WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND I AM--
YOU KNOW WHAT I AM THANKFUL FOR?
I AM THANKFUL TO HAVE YOU ALL HERE TONIGHT AND EVEN MORE
THANKFUL TO HAVE NONE OF YOU HERE TOMORROW, BECAUSE TOMORROW
IS THANKSGIVING.
AND WHILE LAST YEAR, PEOPLE MOSTLY STAYED HOME BECAUSE OF
THE PANDEMIC, THIS YEAR, FAMILIES ARE PLANNING A RETURN
TO LARGER THANKSGIVING CELEBRATIONS.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS: LOT OF PEOPLE IN THEIR EARLY 20s
ARE GOING BACK TO THE KIDS' TABLE:
"I KNOW YOU JUST GRADUATED FROM SWARTHMORE, NEIL, BUT TONIGHT,
YOU'LL BE WITH MADISON AND PARKER, TALKIN' PAW PATROL."
( LAUGHTER )
TRY TO KEEP UP.
AS MORE PEOPLE ARE VACCINATED, THE HOLIDAYS ARE RETURNING TO
NORMAL-- A.K.A., CRAY-CRAY.
INFACT, ABOUT 53 MILLION PEOPLE ARE EXPECTED TO TRAVEL FOR
THANKSGIVING, AND ALL OF THEM WILL BE ON YOUR FLIGHT TRYING TO
BOARD BEFORE THEIR GROUP GETS CALLED.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S NOT JUST GOING TO BE-- WHATEVER.
WHATEVER.
WHO CARES?
WHO CARES!
IT'S NOT GOING TO BE PLEASANT.
WITH THE UPTICK IN TRAVEL AROUND THE HOLIDAYS, AIRLINES ARE
WARNING PEOPLE TO EXPECT PACKED PLANES, UNRULY PASSENGERS, AND
CANCELLATIONS.
SO, EVERYONE'S FLYING SPIRIT AIRLINES?
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
ARE THEY A SPONSOR?
THEY'RE NOT A SPONSOR.
OKAY.
IF YOU'RE HEADING TO THE AIRPORT, IT'S IMPORTANT TO KNOW
WHAT'S ALLOWED BEFORE YOU HIT THE SECURITY LINE.
THE T.S.A. THIS YEAR SAYS YOU CAN BRING CERTAIN FOODS ON
AIRPLANES, SUCH AS TURKEY, FRESH FRUIT AND VEGETABLES, MAC AND
CHEESE, CANDY, AND SPICES.
THAT'S GOOD, BECAUSE A KEY STEP IN MY TURKEY DRY BRINE IS
LETTING IT SIT ON MY LAP FOR SIX HOURS.
( LAUGHTER )
DISTINCTION THAT THE T.S.A. IS MAKING THIS HOLIDAY SEASON,
ACCORDING TO THEIR RULES.
THEY CONSIDER CRANBERRY SAUCE A LIQUID.
HEY, T.S.A., I HATE TO QUIBBLE, BUT WHEN REMOVE SOMETHING FROM A
CAN AND IT STILL HAS THE RIDGES FROM SAID CAN, THAT'S NOT A
LIQUID.
ADMITTEDLY, SCIENCE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, BUT IT'S NOT A
( BLEEP ) LIQUID.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OF COURSE-- YOU HAVE TO BREAK GLASS.
YOU GOTTA DO IT.
( APPLAUSE )
THANKSGIVING TRADITIONS CAN BE SWEET AS PIE, OTHERS CAN BE
AS DANGEROUS AS HANDING THE ELECTRIC CARVING KNIFE TO
GRANDPA, WHICH IS WHY THERE'S NEW VIDEO OF THE CHICAGO FIRE
DEPARTMENT DEMONSTRATING THANKSGIVING SAFETY WITH A FRIED
TURKEY FIRE.
COINCIDENTALLY, THAT'S ALSO THE NAME OF THE NEW DICK WOLF DRAMA.
ON NBC WE HAVE THE VIDEO FROM CHICAGO.
>> YOU CAN SEE THE SIZE OF THAT TURKEY AND THE SIZE OF THAT
CONTAINER THAT IT'S GONNA BE GOING INTO.
IF YOU LOWER THAT, COMMANDER ROBERTSON, YOU SEE HOW QUICKLY
THAT THAT WENT INTO FLAME.
>> Stephen: WOW!
THAT JUST MAKES ME WANT TO DO IT MORE!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I MEAN, COME ON, THAT'S FUN!
NJTSZ THE FLAMES.
>> Stephen: THE FUN.
>> Jon: YES, THAT'S A GREAT FLAME.
>> Stephen: WHY SPEND FOUR HOURS PEEKING INTO AN OVEN WHEN I
COULD SPEND 30 GLORIOUS SECONDS RECREATING "BACKDRAFT" WITH A
BUTTERBALL?!
STILL, THAT'S IMPRESSIVE PRODUCTION VALUES.
HOPEFULLY, THEY CAN TOP IT WITH THEIR VIDEO WARNING PEOPLE NOT
TO PLUG ALL THEIR CHRISTMAS LIGHTS LIGHTS INTO A SINGLE
OUTLET.
( BUZZING ) ( EXPLOSION )
NOW, ANOTHER WAY WE'RE GETTING BACK TO NORMAL THIS YEAR:
MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE IS BACK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
COME ON.
YES, CBS.
>> Jon: A PARADE!
>> Stephen: CBS.
THAT IS GREAT NEWS FOR US NEW YORKERS.
IT'S THE ONE DAY OF THE YEAR THEY CAN SEE VEHICLES ACTUALLY
MOVING ON SIXTH AVENUE.
WE HAD A PARDE LAST YEAR, BUT DUE TO THE PANDEMIC, THERE WAS
NO IN-PERSON AUDIENCE.
AND LET'S FACE IT, WITHOUT AN AUDIENCE, CARRIE UNDERWOOD
SINGING UNDER A GIANT INFLATABLE TURKEY IS JUST STUPID.
( LAUGHTER )
HAS UNVEILED SIX NEW FLOATS, INCLUDING BIRDS OF A FEATHER
STREAM TOGETHER BY PEACOCK.
IT'S SO CRASS TO USE A HOLIDAY FLOAT TO PROMOTE YOUR STREAMING
SERVICE, NBC.
UNLIKE THE TASTEFUL WAY PARAMOUNT+ IS PROMOTING ITSELF:
A GIANT BALLOON OF TOM SELLECK'S MUSTACHE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
GOOD RATINGS.
( APPLAUSE )
YEAR IS GRAVY PIRATES, BY HEINZ.
GOOD TO SEE JOHNNY DEPP STILL GETTING SOME WORK.
( LAUGHTER )
TECHNICALLY A FLOAT.
IT'S SOMETHING THEY'RE CALLING A "FLO-ALLOONICLE."
CONFUSED?
WELL, AS ONE ORGANIZER EXPLAINED, "IT'S A
'FLOALLOONICLE.' SO IT'S PART FLOAT, PART
'BALLOONICLE.'" OH, IS THAT WHAT IT IS.
HERE I WAS THINKING IT WAS PART FLOALLOON AND PART "ICLE."
I FEEL LIKE A TOTAL MORONALOON.
( LAUGHTER )
REASON, THERE'S ALWAYS LOTS OF BILLIONAIRE NEWS.
I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S INSTALLMENT OF MY
LONG-RUNNING SEGMENT: "RICH PEOPLE, THEY'RE JUST NOT
LIKE US.
US PAY TAXES" >> QUICK!
SHOOT ME INTO SPACE!" >> Stephen: FIRST UP, SPACE-X
FOUNDER, ELON MUSK, SEEN HERE WISHING ON THE STAR HE JUST
BOUGHT.
( LAUGHTER )
EVER SINCE DEMOCRATS SUGGESTED THAT THE WEALTHY PAY ANY TAXES.
FOR INSTANCE, RECENTLY, BERNIE SANDERS TWEETED, "WE MUST DEMAND
THAT THE EXTREMELY WEALTHY PAY THEIR FAIR SHARE.
PERIOD."
TO WHICH MUSK REPLIED, "I KEEP FORGETTING YOU'RE STILL ALIVE."
( LAUGHTER )
YOU CANNOT TALK TO BERNIE LIKE THAT!
( AS BERNIE )
SPACE BOY.
I'M FROM BROOKLYN, THE B.K.!
YOU KEEP TALKING TO ME LIKE THAT, I'M GONNA SLAP THE TAX
MONEY YOU OWE RIGHT OUT OF YOUR TOP 1%!
REMEMBER, IN SPACE, NO ONE CAN HEAR ME PUT MY FOOT UP YOUR
ASS!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHERE IS MY DAMN SOUP?"
THERE'S ALSO NEWS ABOUT MUSK'S SPACE PENIS RIVAL, AMAZON
FOUNDER JEFF BEZOS, SEEN HERE WATCHING "THE GRAPES OF WRATH."
( LAUGHTER )
CONFERENCE ON THE FUTURE OF SPACE EXPLORATION, AND HE
PREDICTED THAT ALL POLLUTING INDUSTRIES WILL MOVE TO SPACE
ONE DAY, AND THAT WE'LL ALL LIVE ON SPACE COLONIES.
WOW, THAT IS SOME PRIME SPOILED BILLIONAIRE TALK.
( BRITISH SPOILED KID )
EARTH ANYMORE.
IT'S DIRTY, AND IT'S FULL OF PATHETIC LITTLE MILLIONAIRES.
I WANT A SHINY NEW PLANET, AND A BIGGER THAN THE ONE ELON HAS!
I HATE HIM!
I HATE HIM!"
I WANT A NEW ONE!
BEZOS' PLAN TO CLEAN UP THE EARTH IS SORT OF LIKE YOUR MOM'S
PLAN TO CLEAN THE LIVING ROOM: AFTER ITS DONE, NO ONE IS
ALLOWED IN THERE, EXCEPT COMPANY:
>> OVER CENTURIES, MANY PEOPLE WILL BE BORN IN SPACE.
THEY MAY VISIT EARTH, THE WAY YOU WOULD VISIT YELLOWSTONE
NATIONAL PARK.
( AS PARK RANGER )
WHAT USED TO BE NEW YORK CITY, BEFORE IT WAS RECLAIMED BY
NATURE IN THE FORM OF GIANT RAT-BEARS.
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE WILDLIFE, BY WHICH I MEAN THE POOR PEOPLE
JEFF BEZOS LEFT BEHIND.
OKAY, NIGHT IS FALLING.
HERE COME THE RAT-BEARS.
AND WE'RE WALKING, WE'RE WALKING.
OH, NO!
THE RAT-BEARS HAVE FORMED AN ALLIANCE WITH THE POOR PEOPLE.
WE'RE RUNNING.
GO, GO!
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ NOW IF YOU WANT TO STAY ON THE
PLANET BUT STILL HAVE A RICH GUY TELL YOU HOW TO LIVE, I'VE GOT
SOME GOOD NEWS.
COURTESY OF WALMART BILLIONAIRE AND MAN SINGING,
"I DON'T CARE TOO MUCH FOR MONEY.
MONEY CAN'T BUY ME HAIR!" MARC LORE.
LORE HAS ANNOUNCED HE IS FOUNDING "A FUTURISTIC CITY
KNOWN AS TELOSA," NAMED FOR AN ANCIENT GREEK WORD
MEANING "HIGHEST PURPOSE."
AND TO THINK YOU CAN CREATE YOUR OWN CITY, I'M GUESSING YOUR
PURPOSE WASN'T THE ONLY THING THAT WAS HIGH.
( LAUGHTER )
OFFER ITS CITIZENS EQUAL ACCESS TO EDUCATION, HEALTH CARE, AND
TRANSPORTATION.
RESIDENTS WILL BE SELECTED THROUGH APPLICATIONS.
WE ACTUALLY GOT A COPY OF ONE OF THE APPLICATIONS.
"IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, TELL US WHY YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED
EQUALLY, MORE THAN OTHER PEOPLE DO."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: LORE--
DID I GET THAT RIGHT?
LORE CALLS HIS VISION FOR TELOSA "EQUITISM"-- A MASHUP OF
EQUALITY AND CAPITALISM.
THAT IDEA IS VERY "CREATIVE" AND "APT"...
OR "CRAP."
( LAUGHTER )
VIDEO: >> WHAT IF YOU COULD PAY THE
SAME TAXES THAT YOU PAY TODAY, BUT GET THE BEST SOCIAL SERVICES
OF ANY COUNTRY IN THE WORLD?
THAT'S EQUITISM.
>> Stephen: NO, TECHNICALLY, THAT'S DENMARK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, IF YOU'RE INTERESTED-- DENMARK!
HUGE FANS OF DENMARK HERE.
NOW, IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN BECOMING A TELOSA RESIDENT-- OR
TELOSIAN, AS NO ONE WILL EVER CALL THEM-- YOU SHOULD KNOW
THERE'S NO SET LOCATION FOR TELOSA JUST YET.
THAT'S BECAUSE TELOSA'S NOT A PLACE.
IT REALLY EXISTS IN...
HERE.
IT WAS HARDER TO GET TO THAN I THOUGHT.
( LAUGHTER )
DOWN TO NEVADA, UTAH, IDAHO, ARIZONA, TEXAS, AND THE
APPALACHIAN REGION, WHICH INCLUDES 13 STATES.
AS INSPIRING AS THE FAMOUS WORDS OF HORACE GREELEY:
"GO WEST, YOUNG MAN.
OR EAST, OR MAYBE SOUTH.
WE HAVEN'T FIGURED IT OUT YET.
JUST SHUT UP AND GET IN THE WAGON."
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE ROSAMUND PIKE AND SIR PETER JACKSON.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE"!
JOIN US.
♪ ♪ ♪