And then when it comes to control, okay. Roy says, well,
what do you do if your spouse is paranoid around you?
I resonate with several control behaviors from the e-book. Hmm.
I don't know if you guys realize that or not,
and I'm not even quite sure how to find it,
but we do have an ebook that you can get that's about control. Uh,
the way I developed that ebook.
And I think there's actually something like 30 statements in it that you rate 30
or 45. I think it's 30. I went through a lot of research.
I'm talking about scientific research, valid social science research, and pound.
What people describe when they say they feel that their spouses are controlling
them. Then I did some research of my own asking people,
if you've ever felt controlled by your spouse,
tell me what led you to feel controlled that way.
And the 30 statements that are in that document come from either the research
or my own research research of others or my own research.
And if you go to that ebook,
you can get an idea as to whether or not you are controlling. Now,
if you are controlling, if you really are,
your spouse is probably paranoid around you, you say, well,
what do I do understand that,
that people want change to occur that fast
and our workshops. If you ever come to one of those,
we'll talk about a triangle, a love triangle by a guy by the name of Sternberg.
And he talks about that. Love has three major components. One is commitment.
One is intimacy, and one is passion.
Now passion is not necessarily sexual here, although it has a sexual component,
passion can happen rapidly. I mean, it can happen really fast,
but of the three things.
It's also the one that can fade more rapidly or the one that can change
either direction good or bad,
more rapidly commitment takes longer to develop.
Therefore, if you lose the commitment of your spouse,
it takes longer to redevelop.
Intimacy takes longer to develop an intimacy.
Here is not talking about sex is talking about openness, transparency,
vulnerability, those kinds of things,
and another that where you can be open and honest with each other, into me,
see that kind of intimacy, open, transparent, vulnerable.
It takes a while to develop that it does take some time.
Therefore it takes some time to lose it, but if you do lose it,
people want to get it right back, like, okay, but I see better now.
I understand it better now.
And I'm changing my controlling behaviors so that she can be open and honest
and transparent again. And not think I'm going to try to control or be verbally,
verbally, verbally abusive or any of those things.
And so you need to see that right now and come on back right now.
No passion can change really fast intimacy.
Can't it can't commitment.
Can't it doesn't change really fast.
That's why once you start doing the right behaviors and stop
doing the wrong behaviors,
you've gotta be patient and you've gotta be consistent.
Are you hearing me patient and consistent strive for
perfection? You're not going to do it perfectly. Nobody ever does. Nobody can,
but you strive for perfection and you do it consistently.
And so if ever she's going to be open to doing that to you again,
it's not going to happen in a hurry. You've got to redevelop intimacy,
which means that she's got to feel safe,
to be open and transparent and vulnerable to you without feeling.
You're going to try to tell her how to think what to do,
what to feel that you're actually going to accept her for whoever and
whatever she is and hear me. Well, you're not going to like everything.
Nobody likes everything about another person.
When we are really transparent with each other,
you'll sings things about the other person that you just don't like.
But if you can learn to accept that person anyway, I can love you.
I can like you. I can respect you.
Even if I don't like every little thing you do,
even though I don't like every little thing you think I don't like every little
thing you believe, but you know, I love you. I like you. I respect you.
And you can communicate that consistently patiently,
patiently over time. Can a person learn to trust you again?
Yes. Can they finally believe that you won't control them again?
Yes. But if you expect that to happen in a hurry, it's not.
And if you try to make it happen in a hurry, guess what you're going to do.
You're going to control the very thing that's going to convince you.
But you haven't changed at all.