>> Stephen: WELCOME TO A LATE SHOW.
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT'S MID JULY AND DESPITE OUR BEST QUARANTINE EFFORTS
YESTERDAY AMERICA SET A NEW RECORD FOR DAILY CORONAVIRUS
CASES.
WAY MORE THAN WE STARNT STARTED QUARANTINING BACK IN MARCH IT ST
ALMOST AS IF THAT CELEBRITY IMAGINE VIDEO DIDN'T HELP.
SHOULD WE TRY ANOTHER ONE.
MAYBE SUGAR PIE, HONEY BUNCH.
SUGAR PIE HONEY BUNCH.
♪ IF FLORIDA ALONE NEW CASES OVER THE PAST WEEK OUTSTRIPPED
THE TOTAL COUNT IN MOST EUROPEAN NATIONS, THAT IS A SHOCKING
VACUUM OF LEADERSHIP IN A STATE THAT I WILL REMIND YOU HAS AN
ENTIRE HALL OF PRESIDENTSMENT CAN'T WE JUST PLUG IN AN
EXTENSION CORD INTO ONE OF THOSE OLD GUYS AND PUT HIM IN CHARGE.
>> THIS COUNTRY HAS REALLY-- THE POOCH.
THANK YOU, GENERAL.
ALL THE PEOPLE IN CHARGE WHO TOLD US THE PANDEMIC WASN'T A
BIG DEAL ARE LOOKING BIG DUMB RIGHT NOW LIKE OKLAHOMA GOVERNOR
AND CHONKY DRACULA KEVIN STITT, CUZ REMEMBER TRUMP'S RALLY IN
TULSA, OKLAHOMA FULL OF UNMASKED OPEN MOUTH SCREAMERS.
LOTS OF PEOPLE CALLED IT A TERRIBLE IDEA, SAID IT SHOULD BE
CANCELLED.
NOT GOVERNOR STITT.
>> WE'RE GOING TO BE VERY SAFE AND WE THINK IT'S THE RIGHT
TIME.
AND MY QUESTION BACK TO ALL THE FOLKS THAT SAY YOU SHOULDN'T
HAVE A RALLY, WHEN IS THE RIGHT TIME.
>> Stephen: OH, OH, I KNOW, WHEN IT WON'T KILL THE AUDIENCE.
DID I-- DID I-- THANK YOU.
SO ANYWAY THEY THREW THE RALLY.
6,000 PEOPLE SHOUTED THEIR AERIAL SIZED VIRUSES AT EACH
OTHER AND GOVERNOR STITT WAS THERE WITHOUT A MASK TO HUFF IT
ALL IN.
AND NOW TO THE GOVERNOR, THE STIT STITT HAS HIT THE FAN
BECAUSE EARLIER TODAY HE MADE THIS ANNOUNCEMENT.
>> I PERSONALLY GET TESTED PERIODICALLY THROUGHOUT THIS
WHOLE THING.
AND GOT TESTED YESTERDAY FOR COVID-19 AND THE RESULTS CAME
BACK POSITIVE.
SO I FEEL, FEEL FINE.
I FELT A LITTLE BIT ACHY YESTERDAY.
>> Stephen: WELL, I WOULD FEEL ACHY TOO IF I SPENT THE
AFTERNOON BANGING MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL GOING STITT YOU
BIG DUMBEE, WHY DID YOU DO T YOU DID IT AGAIN, JUST LIKE THE TIME
YOU DRANK THAT WHOLE JUG OF CRICK WATER BECAUSE YOUR COUSIN
SAID IT WAS ICED TEA, DAMN YOU, YOU STITT FOR BRAIN.
THAT REALLY GETS IT FLUFFY, DOESN'T IT.
WHAT AM I DOING HERE.
OH MY GOD, MI GOING TO NEED A LITTLE ADVIL FOR MY NECK, THAT I
GOT TO SAY, I FEEL A LITTLE ACHY BREAKY TOO.
STICK AROUND FOR NOAH AND BILLY RAY LATER BY THE WAY.
REGRDLESS, GOVERNOR STITT, I HOPE YOU RECOVER SOON.
ALSO PLEASE WEAR MASKS BECAUSE ARE YOU NOW CONTAGIOUS AND YOU
MIGHT WANT TO HIDE YOUR FACE IN SHAME FOR AWHILE.
NOW MASKS ARE STILL OUR BEST BET FOR CONTROLLING THIS VIRUS
ACCORDING TO CDC DIRECTOR AND AMISH POTATOE DR. ROBERT
REDFIELD.
HERE IS WHAT REDFIELD SAID YESTERDAY.
>> I THINK THAT IF WE CAN GET EVERYBODY TO WEAR A MASK I THINK
IN THE NEXT FOUR, TO SIX WEEKS WE COULD BRING THIS EPIDEMIC
UNDER CONTROL.
>> Stephen: SUPER, ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS SLOW SOME DISCIPLINE.
SHOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM FOR THE COUNTRY THAT INVITED HOT DOG
PIZZA.
NOW THE CDC REPORTING THIS CORONAVIRUS HOSPITAL DATA IS
MAKING THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION LOOK TERRIBLE.
BUT THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION IS FINALLY COME UP WITH A SOLUTION
TO THE CRISIS, CORONAVIRUS HOSPITAL DATA WILL NOW BE SENT
TO THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION INSTEAD OF THE CD, C.
AND I BELIEVE WE HAVE SOME LIVE VIDEO OF THE NEW TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION COVID DATA PROCESSING CENTER.
(LAUGHTER).
>> Stephen: YOU SEE TRUMP DOESN'T WANT US TO KNOW WHAT THE
REAL CORONAVIRUS NUMBERS ARE.
HE KNOWS HE'S FAILED.
HE'S JUST LIKE A KID GRABBING HIS REPORT CART CARD OUT OF THE
MAIL BOX BEFORE ANYONE COULD SEE IT BUT WE'RE GOING TO FIND OUT
HOW BAD HE IS DOING WHEN WE ALL HAVE TO MAKE COFFINS IN SHOP
CLASS.
BUT THERE IS SOME GOOD NEWS ON THE COVID FRONT BECAUSE LAST
NIGHT WE FOUND OUT THAT THE MODERNA CORONAVIRUS VACCINE
SHOWS PROMISING SAFETY AND IMMUNE RESPONSE RESULTS IN A
PUBLISHED PHASE 1 STUDY BUT BLAH BLAH BLAH WE HAVE A VACCINE.
GIVE IT TO ME.
I WANT TO EAT UNWIPED GROCERIES AND FINELY FILM MY SPECIAL THE
LATE SHOW SAY IT AND SPRAY-TACULAR LIVE FROM THE
UNVENTILATED BASEMENT OF A NURSING HOME WITH SPECIAL GUEST
GOVERNOR STITT.
OF COURSE ONCE A VACCINE DOES COME OUT EVERYONE ON EARTH IS
GOING TO WANT IT.
AND TO MAKE SURE EVERYONE CAN AFFORD IT SOME PHARMA COMPANIES
HAVE MADE A NO PROFIT PLEDGE.
NO PHARMA PROFIT.
UNLESS THE VACCINE ALSO HAPPENS TO CURE ERECTILE DISFUNCTION IN
WHICH CASE THEY GOT TO GET THEIR BEAKS WET AND IT'S NOT THEIR
BEEKS.
AND NO PHARMA-- A NO PROFIT PLEDGE IS A NOBLE GESTURE BUT
SOME FOLKS ARE SCEPTICAL BECAUSE THESE PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANIES
PROMISE COMES WITH A CAV YET VACCINES WILL BE OFFERED AT NO
PROFIT QUOTE DURING THE PANDEMIC.
HMMMM, THANKFULLY BIG PHARMA HAS COME UP WITH A WAY TO REASSURE
THE PUBLIC ABOUT THEIR MOTIVES AND IT IS ALL IN THEIR NEW AD.
>> ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT THE FUTURE.
UNABLE TO SLEEP AT NIGHT, AFRAID THAT PHARMA COMPANIES WILL PUT
THEIR PROFITS AHEAD OF YOUR HEALTH?
IF YOU ARE CONCERNED ABOUT THE COST OF A VACCINE, ASK YOUR
DOCTOR ABOUT VACSALAX, THE ONLY MEDICATION PROVE TONE REDUCE
ANXIETY ABOUT BIG PHARMA TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOU IN A NATIONAL
CRISIS AM YOU CAN TRUST VACSALAX BECAUSE OF ITS MASCOT PROFESSOR
CASHINGTON.
>> SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDE LEGLESS REST SYNDROME.
CRUMBLE FOOD, SPONTANEOUS BEARD SPORE SPARROWS, FINAL
CONTRACTING, BIG OLD PINK FACE, GORDON FISHERMAN SYNDROME,
SCROTAL YOTUS VACCINE RESISTANCE.
FULL BLOWN CORONAVIRUS AND DOLLAR DOLLAR BILLS Y'ALL 6789
WITH COVID RAGING ACROSS THE NATION DONALD TRUMP HELD AN
EMERGENCY PRESS KMPS YESTERDAY IN THE ROSE GARDEN.
NOW TRADITIONALLY ADDRESSES FROM THE ROSE GARDEN ARE NOT BALDLY
POLITICAL EVENTS.
IT IS WHERE YOU CELEBRATE PARDON THE TURKEY AND CELEBRATE THE
RARE CHAMPION TURKEY.
BUT THIS WAS JUST ANOTHER RALLY SPEECH IN WHICH TRUMP RAGED AND
ATTACKED JOE BIDEN BY NAME NEARLY 30 TIMES.
AT THIS POINT HE'S JUST TRYING TO TALK BIDEN OUT OF HIS
BASEMENT,S WHATA MATTER JOE, AFRAID TO COME OUT AND FIGHT ME
IN THE SEARING NUCLEAR FALLOUT OF PUBLIC SCORN?
FINE, I GUESS I'LL BE THE ONLY ONE MUTATING IN THE AGONIZING
HELL SCAPE THAT I CREATED.
TRUMP'S MAIN ARGUMENT IS THAT BIDEN WAS TOO SOFT ON CHINA.
>> BIDEN PERSONALLY LEAD THE EFFORT TO GIVE CHINA PERMANENT
MOST FAVORED NATION STATUS WHICH IS A TREMENDOUS ADVANTAGE FOR A
COUNTRY TO HAVE, FEW COUNTRIES HAVE IT.
BUT THE UNITED STATES DOESN'T HAVE IT NEVER DID.
>> Stephen: THIS IS SO TRUE.
THE UNITED STATES NEVER RECEIVED FAVORED NATION TRADING STATUS
FROM THE UNITED STATES.
AND WHEN WILL AMERICA FINALLY HAVE AN AMBASSADOR TO THE UNITED
STATES.
EVERY OTHER COUNTRY GETS ONE.
MUST BE SWEET, WAY TO GO JOE.
EARLIER IN THE DAY BIDEN ANNOUNCED AN AMBITIOUS PLAN TO
COMBAT CLIMATE CHANGE, SO TRUMP TRIED TO SCARE THE VOTERS WITH
IT.
>> THEY WANT TO REJOIN THE PARIS CLIMATE ACCORD.
AND THEY WANT TO SEEK AN EVEN HIGHER LEVEL.
MANDATE NET ZERO CARBON EMISSIONS FOR HOMES, OFFICES AND
ALL NEW BUILDINGS BY 2030.
THAT BASICALLY MEANS NO WINDOWS.
>> Stephen: NO WINDOWS?
WHAT-- AND HOW WILL WINDOWS CARBON EMITTING.
DID WE FIND OUT DONALD TRUMP HAS A GASOLINE POWERED VENETIAN
BLIND?
ERIC, QUICK, YOU PULL THE TWO CORDY THINGS AND I WILL FIRE HER
UP.
PULL OU THE CHOKE.
ACCORDING TO TRUMP BIDEN HAS HIS SIGHTS ON MORE THAN JUST
WINDOWS.
>> JOE BIDEN WANTS TO SEND SCHOOL CHOICE, ABOLISH
EDUCATIONAL STANDARDS, ABOLISH IN THE SUBURBS, ARE YOU GOING TO
ABOLISH THE SUBURBS WITH THIS.
>> Stephen: ABOLISH THE SUBURBS.
HOW DESPERATE IS HE TO SCARE SUBURBAN VOTERS.
JOE BIDEN IS GOING TO BORROW YOUR WEED WACKER AND NEVER
RETURN IT, OKAY.
HE'S GOING TO RAKE HIS LEAVES OVER THE PROPERTY LINE IN YOUR
YARD.
HE'S GOING TO TEAR DOWN YOUR SEASONAL FLAG OF A KITTEN
SITTING IN A PICNIC BASKET AND THEN NOT CLOSE HIS RECYCLING BIN
AND THAT'S WHY THE RACCOONS ARE JUST GOING TO TAKE OVER.
I'M NOT RUNNING A [BLEEP] RACCOON HOTEL HERE.
BUT IT'S NOT JUST JOE BIDEN.
TRUMP ALSO ATTACKED THE REAL ENEMY OF DEMOCRACY, PEOPLE
VOTING.
>> THESE MAIL IN FIGURES, SOME DEMOCRAT GOVERNOR SENDS IN
MILLIONS OF BALLOTS ALL OVER THE STATE.
WHO ARE THEY SENDING THEM TO.
NOBODY HAS ANY IDEA.
THEY'RE SENDING THEM TO DOGS.
THEY ACTUALLY HAVE THEM SENT TO DUGS.
>> Stephen: DOGS.
WELL, IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME, FOR TOO LONG THEY HAVE HAD
CASTRATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION.
♪.
>> DOG BARKER APPROVED.
>> Stephen: WE ALSO GOT MORE OF TRUMP'S INTERVIEW WITH CBS'S
CATHERINE HERRIDGE WHO ASKED TRUMP ABOUT WHAT HE PLANS TO DO
ABOUT THE LAG IN CORONAVIRUS TESTING.
>> WHAT CAN YOU DO TO SPEED UP THE TESTING RESULT TIME.
>> THERE ARE DIFFERENT KINDS OF TESTS.
THERE ARE TESTS THAT ARE VERY GOOD, VERY STRONG.
WHERE YOU SEND IT TO A LABORATORY.
THE BEST THING WE CAN DO IS WE ARE DOING MORE AND MORE OF THEM
IS ONSITE TESTING.
>> WILL YOU PUSH FOR MORE ONSITE TESTING.
>> I LIKE IT THE BEST.
I MEAN I LIKE IT THE BEST.
IT MIGHT NOT BE AS ACCURATE BY THE WAY BUT I LIKE IT THE BEST.
>> Stephen: I LOVE TESTS THAT ARE INACCURATE, LIKE THE ONE
THAT SAID I HAVE NO COGNITIVE DECLINE.
PERFECT TEST.
I LOVE IT.
I LOVE YOU, ARE YOU MY WIFE.
WHO AM I?
HIDE ME, JOE BIDEN IS COMING FOR MY WINDOWS.
DOG!
TRUMP HAS BLAMED CHINA FOR THE PANDEMIC SO HERRIDGE ASKED HIM
WHAT HE IS GOING TO DO ABOUT THAT.
>> HOW WILL YOU HOLD THE CHINESE GOVERNMENT ACCOUNTABLE FOR
COVID-19.
>> YOU'LL SEE, YOU'LL SEE, IT'S NOT FOR YOU, IT'S FOR ME.
>> Stephen: OH NO, HE HAS GONE FULL DR. SEUSS, YOU'LL SEE,
YOU'LL SEE, IT'S NOT FOR YOU, IT'S FOR ME.
HOW WILL I PUNISH PRESIDENT XI, THAT MY FRIENDS IS A MYSTERY.
WITH A SPLOOT AND A SPLORT AND A SKLOUT AND A FROWT, I HAVE NO
IDEA WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.
ARE YOU MY WIFE?
TRUMP'S MESSAGING ON MASKS HAS BEEN LET'S SAY UNHELPFUL.
AND LAST NIGHT HE MANAGED TO KEEP UP HIS STREAK.
>> WOULD YOU URGE AMERICANS TO WEAR MASKS?
>> IF IT'S NECESSARY I WOULD URGE THEM TO WEAR A MASK.
>> Stephen: POWERFUL, IT REMINDED ME OF NANCY REAGAN'S
ANTIDRUG CAMPAIGN, JUST SAY NO, IF IT'S NECESSARY.
COCAINE IS DELICIOUS.
YESTERDAY WAS ALSO PRIMARY DAY IN THREE STATES.
MAINE, ALABAMA AND TEXAS.
AND SOME FAMILIAR FACES GRACED THE BALLOTSK LIKE FORMER WHITE
HOUSE PHYSICIAN DR. RONNY JACKSON SEEN HERE WINNING A
STAIRING CONTEST WITH A CEILING FAN.
JACKSON LEFT HIS POST AT THE WHITE HOUSE AFTER ALLEGATIONS HE
WAS PLAYING FAST AND LOOSE WITH PRESCRIPTIONS EARNING HIM THE
NICKNAME THE CANDY MAN.
IT'S TRUE.
URBAN LEDGE-- LEGEND SAY IF YOU SAY DR. RONNY'S NAME THREE TIMES
IN A MIRROR AT MIDNIGHT, THE DRUGS HE GAVE YOU FINALLY KICK
IN.
THE REPUTATION OF BEING A PILL POPPING DADDY DIDN'T HURT
JACKSON TOO MUCH BECAUSE YESTERDAY HE WON THE GOP PRIMARY
RUNOFF FOR A TEXAS CONGRESSIONAL SEAT.
IT HELPED THAT HIS CAMPAIGN PASSED OUT FREE PRESCRIPTION
PADS.
IT WAS A ROUGHER NIGHT FOR FORMER ATTORNEY GENERAL AND
GRANDMA SAYING YOUNG LADY ARE YOU NOT LEAVING THIS HOUSE IN A
CROP TOP.
JEFF SESSIONS.
YESTERDAY SESSIONS LOST THE ALABAMA GOP SENATE RUNOFF.
THAT'S IT THAT'S THE END OF JEFF SESSIONS POLITICAL CAREER.
I WOULD DANCE ON HIS GRAVE BUT IT'S TOO TINY.
AND TO ADD INSULT TO INJURY, SESSIONS LOST TO TRUMP-BACKED
CANDIDATE TOMMY TUBERVILLE, THIS IS A STUNNING POLITICAL FALL.
SESSIONS WAS THE FIRST SENATOR TO BACK TRUMP IN 2016.
TRUMP NEVER FORE GAVE SESSIONS FOR RECUSING HIMSELF FROM THE
RUSSIA INVESTIGATION WHICH IS WHY TRUMP BACKED TUBERVILLE.
WHAT SHIFTS THE STORY FROM SAD TO TRULY PATHETIC IS THAT
SESSIONS NEVER STOPPED LOVING TRUMP.
THIS IS HIS ACTUAL CAMPAIGN AD.
>> YOU KNOW, OUT OF 100 UNITED STATES SENATORS I WAS THE VERY
FIRST ONE TO STAND WITH DONALD TRUMP.
I KNEW HE WAS THE ONE O MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN AND I WILL
KEEP FIGHTING FOR PRESIDENT TRUMP AND HIS AGENDA.
I'M JEFF SESSIONS, I APPROVE THIS AD.
>> Stephen: THAT IS THE SADDEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN
IT IS LIKE A JILTED LOVER WEARING HER X BOYFRIEND'S HAT.
DON'T TAKE HER BACK, CARL.
THIS LOSS HAS GOT TO BE A HUGE BLOW TO JEFF SESSIONS, SO HERE
TO TELL US HOW HE'S HANDLING IT, PLEASE WELCOME FORMER ATTORNEY
GENERAL JEFF SESSIONS.
>> HELLO, STEPHEN.
I DO DECLARE THE LOSS OF MY FORMER SEAT IN THE GREAT STATE
OF ALABAMA, HAS LEFT ME MORE DEFLATED AN A BOUFFANT HAIRDO IN
AUGUST ON MOBILEE BAY IT IS SO PAINFUL TO ME.
JEFFERSON BEAUREGARD SESSIONS THE 3rd THAT I HAVE MADE A
FATEFUL DECISION.
A WORLD WHERE I CAN'T LICK THE BOOT OF DONALD TRUMP ISN'T ONE I
WANT TO BE IN.
AT LEAST I OUTLIVED MY INTEGRITY.
HERE I GO.
I'M HEADED TOWARD THE WHITE-- DON'T TRY TO STOP ME.
I WON'T.
>> I'LL DO IT.
>> I BELIEVE YOU.
>> GOOD-BYE CRUEL WORLD.
I LOVE YOU DONALD TRUMP.
GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB.
JEFF SESSIONS, EVERYBODY.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, RICKY GERVAIS IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MEANWHILE .