Hey guys!
JT Tran here and I am with a very special actually
awesome guest, my friend
Adam Lyons.
Good to see you.
Adam here is a great dating coach.
In fact he’s been voted one of the number
like number 1
actually best pick up artist in the world.
Makes the list regularly with me.
I want to talk to you guys about something that a lot of pick up artist don’t really get
go into because they’re all about like getting girls but the reality is
we get into pickup to get a relationship
to get a girlfriend.
So Adam is a perfect expert for this.
Thanks man, I do appreciate it.
I do find that
a lot guys when they get first into this
they talk about “how do I meet a girl? How do I talk to a girl? How do I get a phone number?
How do I go on a date? How do I get laid?”
These are all the questions they ask initially
and that wears out the minute they’re capable of doing it.
Because most guys get into this, I genuinely believe, because they want to be happier
and they think that if they go out there and they do this
that they’re going to become happier
and what happens is once they start getting sex regularly and they start being able to get girls
they’re still unhappy.
That void
that they think is going to be filled by being able to go out and getting any girl they want
isn’t actually being fulfilled
and this is usually because
there’s something much deeper that’s missing
and that typically comes from maybe they had a bad childhood where they were bullied at school
and they want the cool kid and they want to everyone they’re the cool kid and they can get the girls
or maybe they’re rejected a whole bunch of times
or stuck in the friendzone by a girl that they really like.
Whatever the problem was
they’re trying to fix that by going out and trying to have a sex with a girl
and they think that’s the answer and it’s not
and when they get there, they have to get there first, until they get there
they’re like “whatever, if I can get hot girls I wouldn’t care.”
Everyone thinks that until they get there.
The minute they get there
they’re like “why don’t any of these girls want to date me?
Why don’t they want to stay in a relationship with me?”
And guys make the mistake
of thinking that because they’ve been in a relationship once
now they can do it anytime.
They can go out there and meet a girl
and if they have sex, it’s going to be a relationship.
But the skill that they’re learning that gets them a girl that builds attraction
unfortunately is the opposite skill
that would enable them to keep a relationship, that would enable them to keep a girl.
And because of that
they’ve now got this new skill that helps them get a girl and the old skill they had to
mumble their way into relationship
is pretty much gone
and now they don’t know how to keep those relationships and it’s something that you know
knowing me, it’s something that I specifically enjoy and I love.
I was married for a very long time and I had a wonderful relationship
and I decided to end it. And that’s a key point
I decided to end it because what I was looking for in that relationship wasn’t there, which is children
and I really want children. I moved on...
and literally my next relationship
I got kids because that’s what I wanted
and the true art
of being good as a dating coach is getting what you want
and...
when you get to the point where you realize that you want a relationship
and you want to hold the one down, then I suppose the things
that we’ll talk about today will be really helpful.
Yeah. It’s an evolution of us as pick up artist. We go into, get a girl, get a girlfriend
maybe become a husband and then eventually the adventure of father, being a father.
Yeah. It’s just that next progression of whatever it is that you want to do and
being capable of doing that
and I’ve been through that. I went through that phase of
I just want to go out and pickup a whole bunch of chicks and there’s videos of me running
out in the streets and grabbing a whole bunch of girls
and I learn. Actually I wanted a...
more committed relationship
and I figured that I’ll try the whole monogamy thing and I did that for long. It was great.
And then I realized that actually I really want kids and that’s the next step.
I’m constantly evolving and looking for new things
every single guy that’s watching this, I can pretty much guarantee you
the majority of you at least, at some point
you’ll go from being able to get a whole bunch of girls to actually saying
“I really want something more meaningful"
and bear in mind meaningful doesn’t have to be settling down, getting married
to just one person.
Relationships come in a whole wide variety of different things.
Yeah and our goals as men, they evolve and they change.
Exactly and be cool with that. Be okay with it
and learn the skill set to get whatever you want.
I am...
in an amazing position of my life where...
I truly do have the skill set to...
if I wanted tomorrow I could be married to just one girl
and I can probably be married for the rest of my life and I know how to make that happen,
but the beautiful thing about this skill set is I don’t have to stay in that marriage.
I can leave
and get a new relationship and find something else.
A lot of guys worry that they’ll leave the right girl behind and then they’ll miss
out and never be able to find the one again
or that they’ll die alone.
I’m not worried about either of these things.
I have the skill set that is mine to keep
where I can always find somebody or find what I want
and so I’m constantly just looking to create
a lifestyle and relationship style that I want
and that’s the true art, I supposed, of getting good at this.
Awesome, awesome. Yeah I know I’ve been in relationships.
I’m not looking for that at this particular juncture in my life
but I’ve had, I’ve enjoyed it.
What would you say are a couple tips for...
let’s say the intermediate pick up artist
who is now able to get girls, at least sleep with them
but is having a little bit difficult time forming a relationship.
What kind of tips would you give or intermediate level guys that are watching this right now?
It’s amazing that you're asking this. I literally, the last 2 days
I’ve posted 2 videos on my YouTube channel, specifically about this
and I think one of the biggest tips that I gave was...
most pick up artists are
being taught be in the moment, live in the moment, enjoy the moment
and because of that they never really think about the future
and when you want to convince somebody
that you’re interested in a longer relationship
or that you see them as more than just a...
fling or a one night stand thing or an instant attraction thing
then you need to talk about the future. You need to bring that up into conversation.
One of the things that I suggest to the guys is whenever you’re hanging out with a girl
make sure that before the end of the hangout, so somewhere...
in the 2/3rd through the amount of time you’re planning on spending with her.
So if you’re going to hang out for 3 hours, it’ll be at the 2 hour mark.
Talk about doing something in the future
and don’t just say “wouldn’t it be cool if we did this?”
Actually arrange it.
“Next Wednesday there is a show that I really want to go to.
Why don’t you come with me?”
Future planning, future projection.
Plan it out and actually set the time and date and location, organize it.
Make it a done deal
before the end of the interaction.
That way, the next hour of the interaction with her, she’s like
“wow, this guy’s already thinking of hanging out with me again.
That’s really cool. I like that.”
The thing about that is you’re not planning of having kids.
You’re not like “we should be boyfriend and girlfriend next week.”
You’re just saying, same as with a typical pick up
you’re justifying the reason.
“Next Wednesday I’ve got this show I really want to go.
I want someone to come with me. You’re cool. Why don’t you come with me?
It’ll be fun. We can hang out again and enjoy the show.
I’ve got a couple of tickets, why not?”
It just lets her think “this guy’s already thinking about seeing me again.
He doesn’t just perceive this as a one night stand thing”
and 9 times out of 10 that’s enough to create a relationship
and I would say for the first...
3, 4 months of your relationship
you should consistently be planning the next day
on the previous one.
Just presume that you guys are going to hang out
suggest the activity.
Exactly. Just be like...
“next Sunday I’ve got this thing. Do you want to come and do it?”
And you can even put it on them.
You can be like “the last 3 times we’ve hung out, it’s been my idea.
When do you want to hang out next week? What do you want to do?” It’s all on you.
Great advice. Now here’s one that I hear constantly...
and I think this is part of like the growing
evolution, as time goes on, the kind of dating changes.
Should a guy ever actually have a conversation
to say like as f we’re in high school?
Do you want to be my girlfriend? Check yes or no.
Should they ever do that?
Just no, just never.
The best thing about relationships is just assuming it is exactly what you want it to be and relaxing in it.
I meet so many guys that are stressed about, like “well I wanted her to be my girlfriend.”
I was like “she’s you’re girlfriend. She’s a girl, she’s a friend, you’re hanging out and you’re having sex.
What are you worried about?”
And it comes out that what they’re really worried about is they don’t want to sleep with somebody else.
They want to put these boundaries around it to stop them sleeping with somebody else
and sure that can sometimes work
but it’s not the best way to do.
The best way to make sure that nobody isn’t sleeping with anybody else
is to make sure that you are the most fun
most interesting, most sexual person in her life.
When she’s got a choice between hanging out with 2 people and it’s like Joe Schmo
who’s kind of hot and he works out a lot and he loves himself
versus you who takes her out and you guys have a hell of a lot of fun together
and you play games and you laugh and you joke and you cook together
and you wipe whip cream on her nose.
She’s going to pick the guy who wipes whip cream on her nose every single time
because that’s fun, that’s enjoyable. It’s something engaging
whereas hanging out with Joe Schmo, sure it’s cool and he looks pretty
and even if at the initial part of the relationship where the two of you are hanging out
she’s going to lean towards you.
When I had my relationship with the girl that I got married to when we first got together
I wasn’t the only guy competing for her.
There were 2 other guys that are going after her
and one of them, I totally met him. He was like...
a ripped male model type guy.
He was really cool and was successful and everyone thought he was great.
There was a part of me which is like “wow is this ...
is this guy really...
capable of getting her off of me? Is that a thing?”
And I just realized I don’t even care.
I’m just going to enjoy the moments I have with her
extend it as far as I can and see what happens.
And sure enough in a competition between the two of us
with me just not caring about it
he started getting weeded out.
I remember there was one time she’s in a venue with the guy
and he went up to her and was like
“who’s this guy you’re hanging out with?”
And he got defensive and I was just chilling out
“hey man, nice to meet you.”
I wasn’t a mod, I wasn’t being rude. I was just being cool and chill
and I was like I don’t even care what happens right now.
If it doesn’t go down with this girl
I have a whole bunch of other girls that I can go and see
and get them like that.
If it does, then that’s great.
And sure enough, his jealousy...
made him lose out
and he couldn’t handle the fact that there was a guy that wasn’t ripped
that wasn’t cool, hot shot guy that wasn’t into sports
and he was the one that he was competing with
and because of that guy’s jealousy, I was winning.
So you should definitely speak with your actions
rather than just your words.
Yeah for sure and in fact don’t even necessarily worry about speaking it.
Just continue and see what happens. Just enjoy the process.
If you think about spending your entire life with somebody
remember when you’re thinking about dating somebody long term
you’re opening up the possibility that it’s life.
That’s a hell of a lot of years.
We’re talking decades.
Why do you have to be dating them within 6 months?
Why is that?
Why does it have to be straight boyfriend-girlfriend?
I love keeping things open for as long as possible.
Even with that relationship, the one that I got married to, I don’t think
maybe you’ve noticed but like for the first year we moved together, it’s completely open.
We’re just doing our own thing and enjoying it and seeing if it potentially worked
and then as we were ending things
we opened up again.
To this day, she’s one of my best friends.
I was talking to her today. We’re laughing and joking about...
obviously my kid on the way
and everything else that’s going. She’s a really good friend of mine still
but the point is we knew the importance of
going back, to opening up and to testing the waters and seeing
and just relaxing and there was a chance we would open it up and close it again
or just opening up an end.
And either way, nothing mattered
because...
both of us had the confidence and because I have the confidence and the skill set to know
that I can meet somebody else whenever I want
and hold down relationship whenever I want it
One last question.
Going through the relationship, what happens when it ends?
Just really quick advice
what should a guy do when a relationship ends.
How does he end it and how does he get over it?
Just really quickly.
There’s 2 types ending – there’s she leaves you and there’s you leave her.
In an ideal situation…
There’s no mutual breakup, that’s a myth.
They do happen. My breakup was mutual
but it was a 2-year breakup.
It started as a discussion
and then there was a lot of tests and we were like…
not like testing her to see if she’d fail
but actually “let’s see what happens if we do this.
Let’s go on vacation separately and see how we enjoy.”
It was very discussed the whole time.
Theactual breakup, I remember happening, was...
a 3-hour hug.
We sat there on the floor, just hugging each other
and talking about all the best times that we’ve had together
and it was that hug for I was like
“at the end of this hug...
it’s going to be it”
and I let go of her and said “hey, just so you know, I think I’m going to file a divorce”
and she’s like “thank you”
because she didn’t want to do it and it just made sense.
It was mutual but I think it’s rare. I don’t think it happens very often.
Outside of the mutual breakup
typically the situation you’ll find is either she breaks up with you
or you break up with her.
If the girl’s breaking up with you
then the best thing you can do is add as many positive emotions as possible.
I actually made a YouTube video about this recently on my channel
and the way you can do that is think of all the cool things that you can do now
that she’s not around.
If you like walking around your apartment naked and she hated it
now you can start doing it
or leaving your socks on the floor or leaving the toilet seat up
or hanging out with that girl that she didn’t really like.
Make a list, like literally write it down.
As you start realizing all these cool things you can do now
you’ll be getting over that breakup a lot better
and there’s actually a neurological reason that we go into.
It’s like operant condition, causative conditioning.
Yeah. You’re actually kind of messing your brain chemistry
instead of having the normal pathways form.
We talked about that in the channel.
Definitely check that out.
But yeah, it’s fun. It’s interesting to learn.
And then the other way is if you’re breaking up with her
and if you are, the best way to do it is
to go a public place.
Typically I like to
get a small meal
but I don’t eat it in the restaurant. I get it to go and I sit on the doorstep
on the curb or what have you, on the park bench. Get a coffee or whatever it is
and you sit down with the girl and you explain like “
these are all the reasons that I brought you here.
I think that the relationship is not going to go on any further.
It’s not going to go where either of us want it to.
I’ve come to the decision that I think it’s time for us to move on.”
She’s going to do a whole bunch of emotions.
Anger, she may be upset and she’s going to be sad
and she’s going to plead and beg and offer you sex and all those sorts of things
and all you do is you just sit there and take it, all of it
and you just constantly like “I understand...
I’m here for you as a friend if you need me to be.
I’ll also understand if you don’t want me to be there as a friend”
and you wait for as long as she needs. You don’t leave. You don’t say
“hey I’ve got to get out of here.”
You wait until she’s ready to go.
You offer to call her a cab.
You tell her that you can move her belongings if she wants
or she’s welcome to come over and get them
whatever makes her life easier
and that’s what they mean by being there for somebody during a break up.
It doesn’t mean break up with her quickly
then 2 days later hang out with her again and then
3 days later catch up with her again and then
have coffee and that turns into sex.
It means end it in a day
but give her the whole day
of you sitting down in a public place where you can’t...
start having sex or anything to try and make it feel better
and you’re just there solidly, strongly stoic
just standing there and ready to receive whatever she wants to give to you
watch her go through the range of emotions
and at the end she’ll come to acceptance and she’ll be like “okay.”
Basically breaking up with class
as supposed to being a complete douche, right?
Yeah that’s exactly it. That’s what it means.
You stand there and take it.
I’ve had my fair share of that
and I’m very well verse in how to do it
and I can honestly say that every single time I’ve done that
I’ve managed to keep the person as a really good friend.
It takes a while, like they go away and you don’t see her flick through for months
and then they come back and they’re really cool
and you stay really good buddies.
Awesome, awesome.
Now this has been some really great advice.
For the audience that want a bit more of the Adam Lyons here,
how can they find you?
The best way to find me is actually to find my YouTube.
You can find it directly at YouTube.com/AFC.
That’s very classic.
You can find me directly at YouTube.com/AFCADAMLONDON
or if you go to TheDatingCoach.com, it should redirect and you’ll see a whole bunch of
videos including the one we spoke about, how to get over a break up
how to form a relationship, how to keep relationships going
and even things like how to start a conversation and even
how to make your interactions a little bit more sexual.
They’re all there as a whole bunch of videos.
We try and upload like 7 a week
almost 1 a day.
A lot of great material from one of the best guys out in the industry
and you are going to go on a new adventure of fatherhood.
Congratulations my friend.
Thank you, man. I appreciate it. Yeah we just found out, we had a baby on the way.
Take care guys. Bye.