>> STEPHEN: WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
HOPE YOU'RE STRAPPED IN, BECAUSE IT IS NIGHT TWO OF THE
DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION.
AND ONCE AGAIN, WE ARE LIVE BUG RIGHT THERE.
AND I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU.
I'M EXHAUSTED.
TONIGHT, WE BRING YOU MORE STEAMING, HOT,
FRESH-OFF-THE-GRIDDLE COVERAGE OF THE 2020 DEMOCRATIC
CONVENTION, IN A FOUR NIGHT MEGA-EVENT WE'RE CALLING:
>> DEMOCRATS ASSEMBLE.
ARE YOU ARE YOU READY TO GO!
>> PERSON, WOMAN, MAN, CAMERA, TV.
>> STEPHEN: LAST NIGHT, THE DEMOCRATS KICKED THINGS OFF WITH
ONE OF THE MOST ELECTRIFYING INFOMERCIALS OF THE YEAR.
I CAN'T BE THEY GAVE US JOE BIDEN, THEN THREW IN
THE FREE BAMBOO STEAMER, A SECOND SET OF STEAK KNIVES, AND
THE STAINS CAME RIGHT OUT!
EACH NIGHT OF THE CONVENTION HAS ITS OWN THEME.
LAST NIGHT WAS "WE THE PEOPLE," AND TONIGHT WAS "LEADERSHIP
MATTERS."
WHICH, OF COURSE, HAS FORCED THE G.O.P. TO RENAME THE SECOND
NIGHT OF THEIR CONVENTION: "ALL QUALITIES MATTER."
IT WAS A MAGICAL EVENING.
WE SAW ROLL-IN PACKAGES ABOUT WOMEN'S SUFFRAGE, AMERICA'S
HEALTHCARE CRISIS, AND A BEAUTIFUL TRAVELOGUE OF JOE
BIDEN'S HAIRLINE.
EVIDENTIALLY, IT'S BEEN ON QUITE A JOURNEY THESE LAST 50 YEARS.
THE NIGHT STARTED OFF WITH A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT:
>> THIS YEAR, ALL OF US ARE ON STAGE, AND WE HAVE A LOT TO SAY.
>> STEPHEN: IT'S THE "BRADY BUNCH" OF DEMOCRACY!
BY THE WAY, THE SENATE INTEL COMMITTEE JUST REVEALED
THAT TRUMP REALLY DID COLLUDE WITH "RUSSIA RUSSIA RUSSIA!"
THESE YOUNG LEADERS HAD A COLORFUL WAY TO EMPHASIZE
BIDEN'S PLAN TO BUILD ON OBAMACARE AND LET MEDICARE
NEGOTIATE DRUG PRICES.
>> THAT'S A BIG F'IN DEAL.
>> STEPHEN: MAN, NOW I'M GOING TO BE UP ALL NIGHT WONDERING
WHAT THAT "F" STOOD FOR.
IS IT "FROSTING?" CAN YOU GIVE ME A HINT OF WHAT
IT STOOD FOR?
WHAT'S THE HINT?
WHAT?
WHY ARE YOU STICK AGO WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR FINGERS?
( LAUGHTER )
I'LL NEVER KNOW NOW.
THIS SECTION WAS CLOSED OUT BY FORMER GEORGIA GUBERNATORIAL
CANDIDATE STACEY ABRAMS.
AND SHE DID NOT MINCE WORDS ABOUT THE STAKES OF THIS
ELECTION: >> AMERICA FACES A TRIPLE
THREAT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
TRUMP'S A TRIPLE THREAT.
HE CAN SING, HE CAN DANCE, AND HE'S JUST A DICK.
CAN WE SAY THAT?
>> SURE.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE "F" STAND FOR?
WE ALSO HEARD FROM FORMER DEPUTY ATTORNEY GENERAL SALLY YATES,
WHO HAD A STINGING ANALYSIS OF THE PRESIDENT'S BEHAVIOR.
>> PUT SIMPLY, HE TREATS OUR COUNTRY LIKE IT'S HIS FAMILY
BUSINESS.
>> STEPHEN: AND IT REALLY FEELS LIKE WE'RE ALL ERIC.
THEN IT WAS TIME FOR THE DEMOCRATIC SENATE MINORITY
LEADER.
>> HI!
>> STEPHEN: AH!
OH, MY GOD.
DON'T EVER SCARE ME LIKE THAT AGAIN, CHUCK.
TONIGHT'S HOST, TRACY ELLIS ROSS, LAID OUT JUST WHAT MAKES A
LEADER: >> REAL LEADERS DONT ASK WHAT WE
CAN DO FOR THEM.
THEY ASK WHAT THEY CAN DO FOR US.
>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "BUT GREAT LEADERS ASK: I WANT
YOU TO DO US A FAVOR, THOUGH."
AND SINCE THIS WAS A GATHERING OF DEMOCRATS, IT WAS
CONSTITUTIONALLY OBLIGATED THAT AT LEAST ONE KENNEDY SPEAK.
TONIGHT, IT WAS TWO, CAROLINE KENNEDY AND JACK SCHLOSSBERG.
OKAY, I KNOW THIS ISN'T THE POINT OF ANY OF THIS, BUT HOW
MANY GENERATIONS WILL IT TAKE FOR KENNEDYS TO STOP BEING
ATTRACTIVE?!
THOSE ARE THE STRONGEST HANDSOME GENES I'VE EVER SEEN!
FORGET "JURASSIC PARK."
WE SHOULD JUST MAKE A THEME PARK JUST WITH KENNEDY D.N.A. AND I
HUNT IN PACKS, BUT WE'LL MAKE EVERYONE STAY IN THE JEEPS.
IT'LL BE FINE.
THEN WE HEARD FROM SOME FORMER PRESIDENTS JIMMY CARTER AND
BILL CLINTON, SEEN HERE FINDING OUT GHISLAINE MAXWELL WAS JUST
ARRESTED.
AND THE FORMER PRESIDENT LET TRUMP HAVE IT.
>> AT A TIME LIKE THIS, THE OVAL OFFICE SHOULD BE
A COMMAND CENTER.
INSTEAD, IT IS A STORM CENTER >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, THAT'S
TRUE.
THAT'S A GOOD POINT.
BUT I DON'T THINK BILL CLINTON GETS TO LECTURE ANYONE
ON WHAT SHOULD HAPPEN IN THE OVAL OFFICE.
THOSE IN GLASS HOUSES SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED NEAR THE INTERNS.
NOW, BUBBA TOOK TRUMP TO TASK FOR HIS TWITTER HABITS.
>> IF YOU WANT A PRESIDENT WHO DEFINES THE JOB AS SPENDING
HOURS A DAY WATCHING TV AND ZAPPING PEOPLE ON SOCIAL
MEDIA, HE'S YOUR MAN.
>> STEPHEN: I THINK HE'S INVENTING NEW SLANG.
(AS CLINTON)
THEN HE ZOOPS 'EM ON THE TIKTOK.
DID I DO IT?
DID I MEME?
YOUNG PEOPLE, TELL ME, AM I WAP NOW?"
TELL ME.
AM I WAP?" THEN-- WHAT'S THAT STAND FOR,
CHRIS.
WHAT'S THE WAP STAND FOR?
NOT GOING TO SAY?
OKAY.
THEN, WE FINALLY GOT TO HEAR FROM ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ,
BUT THE UP-AND-COMING SUPERSTAR OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY WAS ONLY
GIVEN ONE MINUTE.
>> GOOD EVENING, BIENVENIDOS AND THANK YOU TO EVERYONE HERE TODAY
ENDEAVORING TOWARDS A BETTER, MORE JUST FUTURE.
♪ ♪ ♪ FOR OUR COUNTRY AND OUR WORLD.
>> Stephen: SHE DIDN'T HAVE A CHANCE TO THANK HER AGENT AND
HER PUBLICIST.
TRACEY ELLIS ROSS ANNOUNCED THE ROLL CALL.
>> THIS YEAR FOR THE FIRST TIME, THE ROLL CALL IS HEADING OUT TO
ALL 57 STATES AND TERRITORIES.
>> STEPHEN: NOW, THAT MIGHT SEEM LIKE TOO MANY STATES, BUT KEEP
IN MIND THIS YEAR, AMERICA OFFICIALLY INCLUDES THE STATES
OF DESPAIR AND DEPRESSION.
INDIANA'S VOTES WERE DELIVERED FORMER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE
PETE BUTTIGIEG, SEEN HERE IN FRONT OF WHERE THEY DO SURGERY
ON THE WESTWORLD PLEASURE BOTS.
QUITE SURPRISING, REALLY.
THE DELEGATES FROM MICHIGAN APPEARED IN FRONT OF A ROW OF
CARS.
"WE CAST 92 VOTES FOR JOE BIDEN, AND I CAN GIVE YOU ROCK-BOTTOM
PRICES ON THIS 2018 SILVERADO NO MONEY DOWN.
THE MANAGER'S GOING TO KILL ME, BUT I CAN GIVE YOU 0% A.P.R.
FINANCING.
I'LL THROW IN THE UNDERCOATING.
OKAY, BRING OUT THE PRO-BIDEN SALES GURILLA!
DELEGATES FROM MARYLAND SPOKE IN FRONT OF A BUST OF FREDERICK
DOUGLASS.
"SEE, HE IS ALIVE, AND HE'S GIGANTIC!
RUN!" NEVADA APPARENTLY SENT OUT THE
VILLAGE PEOPLE.
NICE TO SEE THOSE GUYS AGAIN.
SEEMS LIKE SOME DELEGATES WERE TRYING THEIR BEST TO COIN A NEW
CATCH PHRASE.
>> IT'S JOE TIME!
>> Stephen: IT'S JOE TIME.
JUST SAY JOE, WHEN THEY GO HIGH, WE GO JOE.
JOE V. WADE, ARE ANY OF THESE STICKING?
OHIO WENT WITH A MORE AGGRESSIVE APPROACH TO THEIR NOMINATION.
>> SEEMS LIKE EVERY TIME WORKING PEOPLE BELIEVE IN A DONALD TRUMP
PROMISE, THEY WIND UP GETTING SCREWED.
>> Stephen: FUN FACT: SHOUTING WHITE GUY IN A FIELD IS ACTUALLY
OHIO STATE FLOWER.
MOST EXCITING OF ALL, RHODE ISLAND BROUGHT THE APPS.
>> I STAYED UP APPETIZER, CALIMARI IS AVAILABLE IN ALL 50
STATES.
>> Stephen: OH, MY GOD!
I CHOSE THE WRONG PARTY!
WHY DIDN'T YOU GUYS TELL ME THE DEMOCRATS HAD UNLIMITED SAMPLER
PLATTERS.
TELL YOU WHAT, LET'S GET SOME DELEGATES FOR THE WHOLE TABLE,
OKAY?
I'M SORRY, RHODE, YOU WERE ISLANDING.
>> THE CALL MAURA COMEBACK STATE CASTS ONE VOTE FOR BERNIE
SANDERS AND 34 VOTES FOR THE NEXT PRESIDENT, JOE BIDEN.
>> I THAT YOU WILL CALAMARI COMEBACK IS SOMETHING THAT
HAPPENED AFTER YOU EAT FRIED SQUID THAT'S BEEN SITTING OUT IN
THE SUN TOO LONG.
THEN DELAWARE GOT THEIR CHANCE TO BRING IT HOME FROM BIDEN'S
HOME STATE.
>> DELAWARE IS PROUD TO CAST ITS 32 VOTES FOR OUR FAVORITE SON.
>> Stephen: AND AMERICA'S FAVORITE WHACKY UNCLE.
AND WITH THAT, BIDEN HAD THE NOPINATION, WHICH HE WAS THEN
FORCED TO ACCEPT OVER A BLARING SOUNDTRACK OF "COOL AND THE
GANG" CELEBRATION.
♪ >> Stephen: OH, COME ON!
THAT'S A MISSED OPPORTUNITY!
TODAY'S THE 100th ANNIVERSARY OF WOMEN GETTING THE
RIGHT TO VOTE.
IF YOU'RE GOING WITH COOL AND THE GANG IT'S GOT TO BE
♪ OH, YES IT'S LADY'S NIGHT AND THE FEELING'S RIGHT.
OH, YES IT'S LADY'S NIGHT.
OH, YES IT'S LADIES NIGHT AT...
♪ CONTINUING THE BIPARTISAN THEME,
WE HEARD A HEARTFELT ENDORSEMENT FROM FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE
UNDER GEORGE BUSH COLIN POWELL, WHO, FOR A CHANGE, WAS TRYING TO
TALK AMERICA OUT OF A QUAGMIRE.
QUAGMIRE.
THEN WE SAW A VIDEO TITLED, "AN UNLIKELY FRIENDSHIP."
OH, LET ME GUESS A DUCK AND A FOX!
A CAT AND A HORSE.
A CAT AND A HORSE BUT THE CAT IS MESSY AND THE HORSE IS
NOTORIOUSLY CLEAN?
NO.
IT'S BIDEN AND JOHN McCAIN?
OH, THAT'S NICE.
TONIGHT'S CLOSER WAS THE NOMINEE'S SPOUSE, DR. JILL
BIDEN.
AS FIRST LADY, DR. BIDEN WOULD BRING DEDICATION, RESILIENCE,
AND OF COURSE JOE'S FAVORITE SNACK.
"SORRY ABOUT THAT, HONEY.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE A CHICKEN WING!"
WHO'S GOT THE BLEU CHEESE?
CELERY STICK?
NO?
DR. BIDEN TALKED ABOUT THE POWER OF POSITIVE THING.
>> I HAVE A RULE THAT I NEVER THINK OF ANYTHING NEGATIVE WHEN
I'M RUNNING.
>> Stephen: SAME THEOR, THOUGH, RUNNING ITSELF IS A
NEGATIVE THOUGHT FOR ME SO I DON'T DO IT.
JOE TOLD THE STORY OF HOW HE HAD TO ASK FOR JILL'S HAND IN
MARRIAGE MULTIPLE TIMES.
>> I'M GOING TO ASK YOU ONE MORE TIME.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
SHE GOES LIKE THIS...
OKAY.
>> Stephen: MUCH LIKE DEMOCRATIC VOTERS.
JOE RAN FOR PRESIDENT THREE TIMES, AND THEY FINALLY WENT...
"OKAY."
OORGD TO HIR GRANDKIDS, JILL BIDEN IS PRETTY INTENSE.
>> WHEN SHE GOES ON A RUN, SOMETIMES SHE'LL FIND, LIKE, A
DEAD SNAKE, AND SHE'LL PICK IT UP AND PUT IT IN A BAG AND USE
IT TO SCARE SOMEONE.
SHE'S NOT YOUR AVERAGE GRANDMOTHER.
>> YEAH.
>> SHE'S THE GRANDMOTHER WHO WAKES YOU UP AT LIKE, WHAT, 5:00
A.M. AND GO CYCLING.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN READ ALL ABOUT IT IN THE FAMOUS CHRISTMAS
STORY "HOW THE GRINCH STOLE MY LAST FEW HOURS OF SLEEP SO WE
COULD GO PEDAL TO A VERSION OF "SHALLOWMENT.
THEN JOE BIDEN CAME IN AND SEALED THE DEAL WITH A LOVING
PET NAME FOR HIS WIFE.
>> FOR ALL OF YOU OUT THERE ACROSS THE COUNTRY, JUST THINK
OF YOUR FAVORITE EDUCATOR WHO GAVE YOU THE CONFIDENCE TO
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.
THAT'S THE KIND OF FIRST LADY, LADY, LADY, LADY, THIS JILL
BIDEN WILL BE.
>> Stephen: NO, JOE!
IF YOU SAY LADY FOUR TIMES IN THE MIRROR, JOE BIDEN SHOWS UP
BEHIND YOU AS A DEAD SNAKE!
♪ OH, YES IT'S LADIES NIGHT AND THE FEELING'S RIGHT
♪ OH, YES IT'S LADIES NIGHT YOU GOT, YOU GOT THAT RIGHT ♪
MY MOTHER WAS BORN THREE DAYS AFTER WOMEN COULD VOTE FOR THE
FIRST TIME.
ANOTHER FUN FACT: WOMEN HAVE BEEN ABLE TO VOTE FOR 100 YEARS.
JOE BIDEN HAS BEEN IN OFFICE FOR HALF OF THAT!
AND THAT'S TONIGHT'S FUN FACTS.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
WHAT DOES THE "F" STAND FOR?
JUST MOUTH IT.
THEY CAN'T HEAR.
JUST MOUTH-- JUST-- TONIGHT, I'LL BE TALKING TO
SENATOR ELISABETH WARREN.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE."
JOIN US.