G'day, A.J. Mahari here in this video I'm going to talk a little bit about
what's really happening in relationships with people with BPD or loved ones in
any relationship type but what's really happening the more you try to work it
out the more you try to help the more you try to rescue the more you give the
kinder you are why is that seemingly making it maybe you don't realize but
incrementally worse you know every time there's a cycle of on-and-off-again
relating or they withdraw or they get triggered and they come at you with rage
etc blame ways it with these cycles and what's happening with all this cycling
around that they're doing that you're experiencing that you're being held
hostage to in many ways what's happening why is it so painful because really with
the intermittent reinforcement like I talked about in my last video a little
bit I think maybe I didn't I don't know um
but with intermittent reinforcement with your hopes with how you still love this
person are you trying to believe in who they who you thought they were that's
not who you're experiencing anymore or rarely if ever or maybe not not at all
anymore so what's happening in their cycles of on and off and being triggered
and you know approach avoidance and not being able to stay closed for engulfment
not being able to stay away for the fear of abandonment that distance creates all
these cycles in relationships with people with BPD well especially in a
significant other relationship girlfriend boyfriend husband wife
partner relationships especially is that what's happening and why it gets
exponentially painful for you there's so many reasons
right but the key reason why gets exponentially painful for you is because
these cycles mean that you're actually putting in all this effort all this love
all this care all the attempt at rescue etc and the result is and many people
don't realize this when it starts or for quite a while or maybe years after but
what you're going through it said all your efforts are being rewarded with one
thing with the borderline cycles of splitting and you know approach
avoidance fear of abandonment fear of engulfment not knowing how they feel on
and off again relationship sometimes they cheat on you et cetera what's
happening is you're getting closer and closer apart and what do I mean by that
well the longer you're in a relationship the more you invest the more you think
somehow it's gonna work out and the closer and a closer that you will feel
at times in closeness for as long as it might last if you can get back to ever
the person with BPD if they can come back to you and allow that closeness so
the more the cycles happen up until and including on-and-off-again or ghosting
and it's over and then hoovering and it's back on again many people find this
way too compelling and important and emotional you know you're attached you
love this person with DPD so many people get hoover back in so wherever you are
in the relationship even if it's new the thing that starts to happen right away
is that the person with BPD their cycles their triggers their push-pull their
back and forth there black and white think all of that they're splitting is
rendering the situation in the relationship it's happening to you
what's happening to you happening to both you in different ways but what's
happening to the partner or the ex the on and off again person
in the life of somebody or in relationship to somebody with borderline
personality untreated or not really significantly treated it's all these
cycles each time you go around and they bring you closer and closer apart and
some people don't know how to put a lot of things in words with what they're
experiencing with somebody with BPD but it is so painful so many people are
distraught many people are losing themselves and it is to this occurring
cycling around of getting closer and closer apart and you might think you're
getting closer yeah and then oh it's it's you know the it's the splitting
again it's the devaluing again and you might not ever be realized
constantly some people with BPD idealize more and then devalue and it's a bigger
swing and some don't really get back to idealization some just get out of the
devaluation that's one way to put it and so with all of this you are getting each
incremental experience of the person with BPD cycling around you're getting
closer and closer apart you think about it that way for a minute does that give
you a sense of your agony does it give you a sense of the pain of all your
efforts to love to care to want the relationship to work out or if you've
been ghosted wherever you may be right now you wanted it to work out closer and
closer apart it's devastating it hurts more than a sudden breakup I don't like
to compare pain but I think it is harder to recover from sudden breakups are
really hard to recover from too but so with people with BPD they're cycling
around and around and around right like I mentioned before
the push-pull approach avoidance you know getting triggered being just
regulated maybe blaming you but pulling back or leaving the relationship
breaking up ghosting coming back hoovering this happens to a lot of
people it's on-again off-again cycles in the relationship or cycles of on
off-again relationship each one brings you back closer but it's closer apart
there's more and more accruing moodiness there there's more and more hurt there's
more and more damaged to the point where people really have to say at one point
or another you know how much more of this can I take and don't forget the
stress of all of this stressful for people with BPD to obviously right but
the stress for loved ones or even exes now we're on off again you're not sure
where you are in all this right now are you an ex maybe you were next yesterday
and you're not today maybe it won't be tomorrow
a lot of people are in this middle place I'm not knowing where they are with a
person with BPD and hurting badly having their own codependent issues which may
or may not be aware of but wanting to be closer again wanting to get back with
that person or wanting to just get back on better footing with that person again
and yet every time you think you get closer right you're getting closer but
closer apart accruing damage and I was going to say the stress of it all - like
with narcissus okay so people with BPD are some are comorbid but many of them
like they're not the same as a narcissus and so when this is happening to you you
really need to think about what you're going through how many times you cycle
around with somebody or you been cycled around to get closer and closer apart
how much more damaged or occurring how much more pain you're actually in and
the stress of all that pain with getting closer and closer apart but
trying to fight that with all you've got trying to make it work in spite of
everything because these relationships unless until somebody is significantly
treated and usually if somebody is going to go and get significantly treated it's
not gonna save a relationship more often than not can't say a hundred percent at
a time so as these cycles are happening and you're getting closer and closer
apart that's why it hurts more every single time you're accruing more damage
more worthiness sometimes also builds resentment so you're trying to love
somebody but you can't really trust them anymore
people DP you don't have any trust but but loved ones partners exes are on and
off again you don't know where you are in the whole equation you can't really
you can't really let go because again emotional distance cognitive dissonance
and this is a person that you just think was meant for you you might think this
is your soulmate but that stuff it's like you can have a soulmate but this
isn't it you know the person would be PE is not your soulmate and the thing is
there's not necessarily only one but people have different beliefs but the
point is so all of the cycling around the people PPD do or you look at as you
know somewhat idealization to devaluation or not necessarily to
idealization but devaluation to kind of like mmm Cairo sort of okay here the
cycles are really creating for you I continued closer and closer apart
situation and then you have to realize that it this stress can really impact
your health stress can really impact people in so many different ways and in
the world we're living today we all have to be doing the best we can for help me
no doesn't look like it I'm doing my best to but I just want to say it's a
closer and closer apart so it's the damage accrued it's what's happening in
cycles cyclical ways even if it's within a relationship or it
could be on and off again the whole relationship as people go through this
for years sometimes getting more and more hurt losing more and more of
yourself because the cycles just build this reality experiences experience of
closer and closer apart over and over again and I can't think of anything any
other way to put it and I'm gonna have more coming on this too because this
idea of the cycles and the relationship the ups and downs the rollercoaster of
being in a relationship with somebody who might not even be diagnosed at with
BPD or who's untreated for sure or unless until significantly treat it and
can't hang around and wait for that either wow I really mean my closer and
closer apart getting your you might be really invested already but but but you
love them so much and there's something subconsciously going on for you with
codependency etc and like I said in another video you keep pursuing the
relationship even if it's really off really on it's not the same for
everybody but this happens to so many people so the thing is this closer and
closer apart well you can feel closer if they if they who were you back or if
you're the relationship and they sort of come back from that devouring place and
maybe for a brief period of time or a certain pattern amount of time depending
on the person that you know as you get to know the cycles of the person that
you're with BPD a certain amount of time but it's not gonna be that long where
you're closer and then BOOM another trigger another rupture more drama more
chaos more range more whatever because they need distance or they just withdraw
if you're quiet BPD and then you're apart and then you come back I might
feel like you're closer they come back I mean yeah and then you might or you
allow yourself you engage a Hoover depending on the
situation and your closer again until you're about to be apart his closer and
closer apart closer and closer apart that takes a tremendous toll on people
and I know if you're something in a situation he can relate to this I don't
have to tell you how you feel or maybe you need to check in more with how you
feel but the accruing damage of the cycles of people with BPD that are
relationally impossible for people to maintain without really being hurt and
wounded and losing yourself and maybe affecting your health just feeling like
you're losing your mind like you're being driven crazy so to speak
it's the closer and closer apart and then when people even when it's on and
off again relating I mean the relationships are off and then they're
on and then they're off and then they're on that's extreme closer and closer
apart right but people don't know how to stop at the apart park at the apart
juncture because you're in a world of hurt and the more that you put into the
relationship and the more time the more investment the more you've been trying
to kind of be kind the more you tried to love through all of their cycles and was
using the term cycle person you know splitting for you know push-pull
protoboys conflict for all the reasons why they just can't really relate to you
in a healthy way closer and closer apart and the agony of
that and how you lose yourself to that and people still feel like they need to
stay like somehow there's hope to you know have this work out they were the
person isn't going to get help nothing's going to change you can't
change them you can't fix them you can't rescue them like I'm always saying which
is really true so have you ever thought about it like their cycles and your
being there and whether it's in the relationship like I said are you being
Rio Verde and Hoover back or your reversal ring is compelling there's
something you need to know more about yourself
I'm out here to work with clients on that because closer and closer apart is
an elongated very extremely wounding way to end up when finally the apart part
sticks whether they make it stick by ghosting and not coming back
or you make it stick by going oh my god what's happening here but like I'm
hurting and I don't even know who I am anymore maybe you're not sleeping maybe
you're not eating right maybe got a lot of things are happening and especially
in this world where they've been right now to be aware of what's happening to
you in the closer and closer apart how you're experiencing closer and closer
apart from what the person with BPD is doing in the splitting and the cycling
and approach avoidance in on-off relationships
breaking up with you one day want to get back the next day breaking up one day
getting two months later yeah whatever the pattern might because
individuals with BPD untreated or maybe even undiagnosed they definitely have
their own patterns of time and and how they do this or or how it happens for
them too but cycles of people of BPD can it continually wound and hurt you
and your accruing it and accruing it and it's gonna affect your emotional health
your mental health your it's gonna affect your physical health and it is
the cycles as I have called it and I don't know if anyone ever said this but
I think I can just I don't know it doesn't matter really but the cycles of
the borderline in your life is going to give you the ever repeating experience
of closer and closer apart these relationships often rupture what is from
the person with the PE side they just walk away they're done or they cheat on
you they do so much damage and it takes a lot of damage for a lot of people with
codependency to give up on someone or to let go of
with PPD to look at yourself to take care of yourself and if this resonates
with you just know I'm out here to help you to do that it's not easy people need
help with it very painful very difficult so ask yourself if this makes sense if
it resonates with you or if you're not going through this right now have you
gone through it you still need to heal from it
do you not realize why it was so impacted damaging to you that you're not
the person nobody really is after a relationship somebody with BPD and I've
had clients who've been together with them for only maybe two weeks or three
weeks in dating and they're not the same and they really need healing and
recovery the cycles people bore line personality especially untreated gonna
be the closer and closer apart it's crazy making for people and it hurts in
a way that I can't even put words to so that's happening to you just know when
you get closer again you're only getting closer to get closer to being apart
that's a really sad truth about the relational rupture and the impossibility
of relationships with untreated people or not well treated people significantly
enough with BPD so take care I hope that was helpful
hope it gives you food for thought the cycles of borderline personality in any
which way in any relationship type bringing you always around and around
closer and closer apart and the end result will be one way or the other
unless you're going to hang on for dear life and lose yourself and maybe even
your life if it wrecks your health etc the cycles are closer and closer apart
and it's the closer and closer that's so compelling right it's all of a sudden
it's part again it's a part it's off it's over it's ruptured the cycles of
the borderline your experience on the other side of person of BPD closer and
closer apart