Halo 4 starts off with the best graphics ever made
And then they run outta those ones in like two seconds
And Cortana's like,
*SHORT GASP*
BITCH GET UP I'M STILL HUNGRY
Halo wakes up and like
"ehhhh what I miss?"
Nothin' much!
Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhoooo
So you walk around from one of the levels from Metroid Prime, but uh
Riddler's spaceship finds you and he goes:
BRING THEM TO MAH LAIR
Since the game is designed by Evil Circ, he purposely excludes Halo 3 from the canon to bring himself back to life
and use the covenant as his soldiers.
Halo's so appalled by this he goes:
!!!!!!!GASP!!!!!!!
sucks the gravity outta the air goes "FUCK YOU Diddler"
Boom
Kicks a fuckin' rocket into Ridley Scott's prized ship, the USS Prometheus
(background) That's for Robin Hood, bitch!
GABSSHHZZ
BUT THEN EVIL CIRC STARTS SUCKIN' UP THE WHOLE GODDAMN UNIVERSE LIKE KIRBY
*Kirby succ SFX*
SOMEBODY GET ME OFF'A DIS PIECE'A SHIT SHIP
WHOLE SHIP JUST STARTS GETTIN' SUCKED IN AWWH FUCKIN' EVIL CIRC JUS'SARTS SUCKIN' EVERYBODY OFF
AND HE GOES THRU THE EXPLOSION THEN SHOOTS GOIN' THROUGH THE FUCKIN' THINK IT'S LIKE
UHEEHHHHHH- *mouth explosion*
Master Chief fuckin' just DIES right there
Halo 4 is a direct remake of the original "Halo Combat Evolved"
and somebody better clean that shit up cuz it ain't my mothafuckin' job to be cleanin' that shit up
Uh, Iron Chef dies from the impact, for the rest of the game you play as Barbiter's son, Shippleton Dipp.
Oh. Nevermind.
"*shht* Come in space command, my ship is run off-course en route to sector 12. I've crash landed on a strange alien planet,
The impact must have awoken me from hypersleep.
Uh, no sign of intelligent lifeforms anywhere."
*Radio distortion babble*
What the fuck?
Cortana you're fuckin... broken
Cortana: "I'm sorry..."
The Career mode is like:
Cortona: "I forgot my ice cream back at the grand canyon."
Chief: "But hey we can go get ice cream anywhere."
Cortana: "NO I WANT THAT ONE!"
SHOOOOOM
Aliens: "WE GUN' GET THE ICECREAM BITCH"
Cortona: "MARCH YOU BIG GREEN FUCK!"
You go through the cave of no return and it's like:
(Dunkey Sings 'The Bridge of Khazad-Dum')
DIE!!!!!!!
(Dunkey Sings 'The Bridge of Khazad-Dum')
That's a circle...
Master chief starts turnin' on all this technology he doesn't even understand because he likes hittin' the fuckin' button
"Halo activated, everyone will fucking die."
Then he goes into the chamber of secrets and the spooky-ass music comes on:
Dunkey singing: Wooooooh
Do not enter the chamber of secrets
Or Tom Riddler will kill you
We fucking told you this would happen
Cortony: "Quick! Get in the Portal 2"
Chiefy: "But I could never solve the puzzles!"
Cortony: "It's okay! I have the Prima strategy guide!"
Chiefy: "Uh... oh here I go! Wee-ha!" *Portal close sound*
Master Chief is never seen again...
Until you get to this part which is kinda like the hub world for Halo *Peach's Castle interior from Mario 64 plays*
Uh the first level is this circle here *Star... chooser screen music*
Master Chief: "This is the first pylon?"
No this is Halo 4 you asshole
In this game, your biggest ally is your biggest enemy...
Dunkey as Doggy: "Woof woof! I'm man's best friend! I am robodoggy!"
*Robodoggy dies in horrible pain*
Oh, hey, look, they got Kha' zix!
Heyyyyy, oh! *laughs*
He didn't-he didn't build any health items.
Cortana: I discovered something interesting about our new friends.
Dunkey: They uhh disintegrate when ya kill 'em.
BSHHHHHHHHHHH
*Mario just got a star*
All right, all right. Let's just keep it going baby.
I'm- I'm going throught this game pretty fast
HEY LOOKIT THAT
HEY That's bullshit they're using Gameshark to skip levels
"Chief! Whatever you do, do not hit that button!"
Chiefy: eh heh heh heh heh heh heh!
[HUGE EXPLOSION]
*DUNKEY HUMS MENACING MUSIC*
All right. Which one of you mothafuckas hit the button??
"I was sittin' here playing with robodoggy..."
"Wasn't me! Couldn't be me!"
Master Chief, I can see you sitting behind that fuckin thing.
Look! I can just distinegrate that.
Get over here. I have force grip bitch.
Oooh. Get over here
You know Darth Vader?
Yeah
Well I'm Darth Sith
...And I'm a robot [ROBOT SOUNDS]
Chiefy: I'll never tell you where the ice cream is!
Bitch I already beat this game on Legendary.
I know where the fuckin' ice cream is. Get outta here.
Master Chief is killed. You play as a flamingo fo...
Uhh... No. Never mind.
Cortana: SLIPSPACE RUPTURE! Dunkey: Slipspace Rupture?
Cortana: Chief! MOOOOVE! Dunkey: Aw he's dead now
Boom he's fuckin' dead
you now play as a gay leprechaun called "Riddle me Gold-"
Cortana: GET UP!
Steve Downes: What's happening?
Dunkey: THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE IS BEING SUCKED UP INTO ITS OWN SELF OOOOO [aka black hole]
IT'S A RACE AGAINST TIME TO ESCAPE!
*Dunkey scats Halo theme at super speed*
Back to original dunkey: DA DA DA BOOM! He fucking dies
NUH UH BITCH! HAHA!
Oh shit I'm gonna fucking die
I'm gonna die he dies he dies he die-hehe
he's gonna die he's gonna die he's gonna-
oh.
oh, that's just unrealistic.
BFWOOO Don't worry Master Chief we'll crash the entire Pillar of Autumn into you
and fucking kill you all oh wait the floods driving it nevermind
YERRRR BFOOSSHHHH
What the hell? It's Evil C- no wait a minute,
It's the Xbox 360 logo!
Come back for revenge on the Xbox one!
dunkey robot voice: Scanning for the ice cream.
it's over there.
SHWOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Dunkey normal again: Let's just get one at McDonalds...
Hey there uh, Peter Butts nice to meet 'cha
Uhh, can't say I was a big fan of Halo: Reach-
WEINER BALLS.
Don't mind her she's a fuckin' retard.
HEY GUYS I FIGURED OUT HOW TO PLAY PACMAN ON HERE! (*Pacman music plays*)
Watch out the pink one is cornering you! Get the big pellet! (*Pacman sound effects*)
Oh you missed the cherry your score is terrible! (*Pacman music still 'plays'*)
the graphics are not good on this version at all (*still the frickin Pacman music*)
So you're saying Lee Sin counters him?
Ok, well how do I beat Halo 2 then?
How do I beat Asteroid?
Lieutenant Dick knows, bring me my iPad.
*Angry Birds music plays in background*
Thank you. *Angry Birds music plays in background*
ooo heh this level again.
Ahh, this one is impossible.
Hey can you beat this one for me Jefferson?
I WANT MY ICE CREAM!
You'll get your fuckin' ice cream if you shut THE FUCK UP!
Oh yeah what flavour?
SEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
rated M.
Well, I'm out of a job.
For the rest of the game you play as Gundam Wing and shoot big m-
Intel tells us the ice cream was last seen in the North Ring.
In these temperatures, it won't last long.
If that ice cream melts, It's not gonna work anymore.
Chief: We'll make it work.
*inspirational music plays in the background.*
PELICAN!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AFTER FULFILLING HIS LIFE-TIME GOAL OF FLYING A PELICAN,
MASTER CHIEF JUMPS TO HIS OWN SUICIDE.
FOR THE REST OF THE GAME, YOU PLAY AS
CHRIS ROCK ESCAPE FROM JAIL.
There he goes. He's dead.
GOD
DAMNIT!
GOD DAM-
*dunkey "da da da"s along with the music*
This level is BULLSHIT they don't give you enough BIRDS!
*continues the da da daing*
YOU! Are our ONLY HOPE!
But what about this other Master Chief?
oh, nevermind.
*inspirational music begins to fade away.*
BOOF!
He dies.
For the rest of the game, you play as Tim Allen riding a zebra
your main weapon is a slingshot and you shoot dinos-
NOPE!
*Inspirational music comes back* YOU'VE GOT AN ENEMY ON YOUR TAIL!
USE THE BRAKE!
Come out darth sith and FACE ME!
Be a man Hulk!
*music suddenly stops*
*giggles*
I saw you move!
No! Nuh uh!
C'mon Darth Sith just gimme the ice cream c'mon now-
you fool... don't you understand?
I ate the ice cream.
Fucking kill him.
*inspiration music blasts yet again* I AM THE THIRD REVELATION!
I AM HALO!
I AM INDESTRUCTIBLE!
Oh yeah but what about this shitty grenade I just found on the floor?
BSHOOOO wha?
*inspiration gone again*
don't use that you fuckin' guy ahhhh
i am the weakest boss in video game historyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Cortana dies from malnutrition and Master Chief is sent back to Earth to answer for his crimes.
I find the defendant Guilty as Charged!
Minus ten points from Gryffindor house.
It's a shame you couldn't get the ice cream...
but at least you got the good graphics back.
What do you think they'll do with him?
They'll lock 'em up.
Tear him apart.
But he'll die if they take off his suit.
Yes he will.
But he'll just come back to life anyway.
Because he's not a hero.
He's like a Green Goblin.
He's like a robot man, he's like...
He's kinda like...
The Dark Knight.
*dramatic music plays.*
face reveal at 1mil subs.
IT WAS ME THE WHOLE TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEE
susrib to dennkl