One of our viewers recently wrote in with this question, Dr Paul what
does it actually look like to love my kids no matter what and even if?
You've heard it many times on this channel. Let's get clear about what it actually looks like in
practice. I'm going to share with you five things you should not do and five things that you should.
You know that your job is to love your kids no matter what and even if. How they feel is up to
them but we can really help as parents. Here are a few things that you absolutely should not do
in this context. Number one, do not say or imply that your child is bad. You know we come by this
honestly because as children we heard it all the time, be a good boy, don't be a bad girl. We hear
it and we internalize that our behavior makes us either good or bad and if we are bad we are
fundamentally unlovable. This is some of the child psychology so tune into it. We don't want to imply
or say that they are good or bad because that sets up a dilemma in their mind. We can appropriately
respond to behaviour disruptive behaviour but we just don't want them to internalize those kinds
of labels. So let's be really conscious and aware of that do not imply or say that your child is bad.
Here's the next one, do not lose your cool. I know, this is a tough one. The number one video that's
viewed on this channel "How to get your kids to listen without yelling?". Why are we constantly
losing our cool with our kids? Well, there's a lot of reasons for that and we can help you with that
through some of the videos here on the channel or the coaching programs that we've put together to
support you it's really important to stay calm to keep our cool as a parent and that's not easy. I'm
not saying it's easy, I'm saying that's something we need to work on. Do not compare your child to
others. I realize as I'm sharing these doom knots with you that we all do them and I don't want you
to feel guilty or ashamed that you're doing it. Welcome to earth it's hard to be a parent. I think
you're doing a great job. The fact that you're here tells me a lot about you. So, hold on to
that idea and let's continue to improve. You know I love what Maya Angelou said about this she said,
"Do the best you know how to do, when you know better do better", so thank you for being here to
tune in to your job as a parent and to find ways that you can do it even better. The comparisons
that we are bound to make from time to time can come across to our child as a message that they
aren't good enough and they don't feel loved in that moment. I know you still love your child. Let's
do everything we can to not put out comparisons of our child with other children. Here's another
one, do not use why questions, specifically in the form of why did you do that, why can't you, why
don't you? Do you hear the feel of those questions and it's not even really a question? Honestly is
there any way that your child can answer that to your satisfaction? Probably not and you're
not really asking why anyway. You're complaining that they did whatever it was that you're asking
them why about. Why did you hit your brother? Okay, there's no answer that's going to satisfy you. What
you're really saying is I'm not happy that you hit your brother. We'll help you with the consequences
that would be appropriate for something like that in other videos here on the channel. But for now
let's just focus in on staying away from those why questions and finally, do not blame your child for
how you feel. Your feelings are your responsibility. It's much too big of a burden for children to feel
responsible for their parents feelings. Phrases like, you make me so mad, you're driving me crazy.
I know I've probably said them too but let's just notice that that's not helpful, okay. You
are responsible for your feelings your child is not responsible for your feelings. Do not blame
your child for how you feel. Look, I'm not here to beat you up, I just want to speak truth to you.
There's some things that we really need to improve. Before we get into the things that you should
do I've got you. We've put together a positive parenting web class, I think you're going to find
this very very helpful. Go to the URL on the screen drpauljenkins.com/parenting and cue that up for
your homework after you finish watching this video. Alright, it's hard to not do those things that
I told you not to do. It's pretty easy to do the things that I'm going to invite you to do. This is
what it looks like to love our children no matter what and even if? You can do these simple things
it will help you with that job. Here's the first one, smile. Check your face, a lot of times we carry
around this grumpy cross face and our kids pick up on that there's an energy to it. So pay attention
particularly to your eyebrows, okay, just smooth that out and have a nice pleasant smile on your
face. Practice it, it's gonna freak your kids out if you do this consistently. But just try it see
what that changes for you in your own thinking. Do express love and specific appreciation. It's okay
to say on a regular basis, "Hey, I love you", and with my kids I would add the other part two, "I love you
no matter what and even if ", and it became almost a playful banter between me and my kids. Sometimes
I would tell my daughter, "I love you, sweetie", and she would say, "No matter what and even if?",
and I'm like, "Yeah, no matter what and even if". Go ahead and express it. I think there's a lot
of families in the world that aren't as open in their expressions of actual love and when I said
specific appreciation find something that you are specifically grateful for and mention that to them
directly. "Hey, thank you so much for putting your boots away when you came through the door. Really
appreciate it", okay, pick something specific. So that it's not just, I really appreciate you. I mean maybe
that's okay too but find something specific to thank them for. Do be firm and kind with
the consequences. We have to use consequences as parents, you'll get that in the positive parenting
class that I offered to you and we're going to help you with what some of those appropriate
consequences could be. So we've got your back on that. When you deliver the consequences. You
have to be firm and kind. Don't do it in a mean way that just makes you the enemy. When we deliver
consequences it's kind of like we're honoring our child's choice for whatever it is that they did.
I know one of the families I was working with last week, this 13-year-old daughter lost her screen
privileges because of how she was handling some of her school assignments. Okay, this was already
set up with the parents. Instead of beating her up about it and say, "Well, you should do better",
and yelling and screaming at it they could be kind as they remove the screen privileges
okay and it has to be firm too. If your kids can get out of a consequence in an unauthorized way
it becomes an unhealthy dynamic between the child and the parents. So you have to be firm but I want
you to be kind too. Do have a lot of freebies and freebies are things that your kids get
not because they deserve it, not because they've earned it but simply because they're your kid. One
of the moms that I was coaching really wanted to take her teenage son with her on a little
outing. I think they were going to a water park or something like that. She really wanted to do
that but she was concerned because he was lacking and getting his homework done and actually turning
it in. What is it with kids that they forget to turn in homework even if they've done it?
I don't know we probably need another video for that but she was in this dilemma he hasn't really
earned it and we had this conversation look, this could be a freebie. It has nothing to do with how
he's doing his schoolwork. It has everything to do with you wanting to spend time with your son and
because he's your son he gets a lot of freebies. Now, don't get me wrong I'm not saying we should
overindulge our children and put him in a position of entitlement that can become a problem too. But
I am saying go ahead and have some freebies. They don't get to earn the family vacation. They come
because they're part of the family. You with me? We can tie the consequences to other things that
don't affect your ability to put together the positive family culture that you want to build
and it includes a bunch of freebies. Here's the last thing I want to encourage you to do.
Send this message regularly and often, "You've got this and I've got you". Now, think about what that
means. You come to your children with confidence that they are smart enough and bright enough
and capable enough to handle whatever it is that they're handling. You've got this and I've got you.
That's the part where you are not going to leave them on their own. You will never abandon them.
You will always be there for them and with them. You don't need to solve their problems they've got
that but you've got them, okay. Think about that message and how you can send it. You've got this
and I've got you. I know we've covered a lot today. We'll get into more detail in that positive
parenting web class. Look, it's totally free. It's my gift to you. I want to support you in doing the
most important job in the world. Go to that URL drpauljenkins.com/parenting and we'll get you in.