One of the constantly surprising aspects of relationships is just how much reassurance
we need to believe that we are actively wanted – and, equally, how easy it is to forget
this awkward fact both about ourselves and the other person. The standard narrative of
love tells us that insecurity about being wanted is going to be at its height at the
start of the dating period, when we are acutely – and rather sweetly – conscious of the
many ways in which our partner might not be keen on taking things further. But, we assume,
once a relationship has started, once there might be children, a home and an established
pattern of life, then surely the fear of being unwanted should disappear.
But far from it. The fear of being unwanted continues
every day. There could always be new threats to love’s integrity. Just because we were
loved yesterday does not ensure a sense that we will be needed today. More perniciously,
if a fear is left to fester, it can lead us to adopt a defensive position where, because
we assume we are unwanted, we start to behave in a cold and detached way, which encourages
the partner to act likewise. Two people who are, at heart, very well disposed towards
one another can end up in a cycle of each denying that they need the other, because
they cautiously and pre-emptively assume that the other person no longer wants them. In
order to try to calm these fears and cycles of unwarranted detachment, we should be sure
to institute an apparently small but in fact crucial ritual into our lives: a morning and
evening kiss. Every morning, before parting, no matter how much in a rush we both are,
we should give one another a proper kiss on the lips, for at least seven seconds which
is – in reality – a very strangely long time. Lean in close together, don’t think
about the many things you have to do in the hours ahead. Simply concentrate on the sensation
of their mouth on yours, feel your nose against their skin. Don’t break off abruptly at
the end: keep looking at each other for another few moments and give a smile. The same should
be repeated every evening at the point of return. When we kiss we are tapping into a
central channel of emotional connection. Intimate physical contact affects us in a way that’s
both distinct from, and in many ways superior to, words or ideas. We are sensuous creatures
to at least the same degree as we are rational ones: a smile or a caress can therefore reassure
us far more deeply than can an eloquent phrase or a well-articulated fact (‘of course I
love you…’). As babies we were soothed by touch long before we could understand language,
and we therefore continue to need physical contact to believe, truly to believe, that
we have a place in another’s life. Normally a kiss follows from a tender feeling: we have
an emotion first and then we express it. But there’s another way our minds can work,
a way in which a feeling follows from an action. The morning and evening kiss should hence
come first, independently of whether or not there is as yet a tender emotion. But then,
almost for certain, if we go through with the kiss, the emotion will occur (it’s very
hard to kiss and feel nothing). We may need to make that rather odd-sounding move in love:
a small effort. The morning and evening kiss should be a ritual. A central feature of rituals
is that we do them whether we feel like doing them or not. The kiss should take place even
if you’ve just had a rather sarcastic argument or if you are racing to an important early
meeting – or if you are feeling resentful. Better feelings will follow from it. When leaving
the house and heading to the station, we should no longer only ask whether we have remembered
the keys or the report. We should always ask ourselves if we have done a far more crucial
and love-sustaining thing: exchanged a seven second kiss.
Our Relationships Reboot Cards inspire conversations that can help to rekindle love between you and your partner.