- So I'm like, let's talk about this.
She's like, "Nick, I've told you before,
I never want to get married."
I was like, "We don't have to get married.
"We can be one of those couples that's just like together.
"And everyone's like, what's their fucking deal?"
(audience laughs)
"Do they not want insurance?"
Like... (audience laughs)
- I was married for a long time
and I was, you know,
and I was dating somebody for a while.
Now I'm single.
Here's the crazy thing.
You don't even realize
all the amazing little things a woman does for you
til you don't have one.
You don't even realize it.
Women do so many things that you don't even realize.
Like the other night I'm trying to get some sleep.
Trying to sleep, couldn't sleep.
And suddenly it dawned on me. I was like,
"This pillowcase is filthy.
(audience laughs)
"Are we supposed to change these?"
(audience laughs)
- And my husband, he's white.
(audience laughs)
He's socks and sandals white.
(audience laughs)
So we'll be walking around Gary, Indiana, holding hands.
Predominantly Black city.
Everybody just double taking, pointing at us.
I asked him, I said, "Baby, what do you think these people
are thinking when they stare at us so hard?"
And my husband is so funny.
He says, "Baby, I don't care what they're thinking,
as long as they're thinking he must have a big dick."
(audience laughs and applauds)
He said that's all that matters.
But whenever we walk out that door,
we always have to put on that emotional armor
just to be prepared for what may come our way.
Usually it's funny though.
I'll never forget my husband, I was at his football game.
He's a high school history teacher.
He also coaches football.
And I went to the game and the game was over.
I'm standing on the side waiting for him.
My husband was talking to his student
and there were four white coaches
standing not too far from me
and they were all staring at me,
and I was staring at them.
Finally, I heard one of them say,
"I think that's one of the players' moms."
They start to walk over to introduce themselves.
My husband runs over at the same time.
"Hey guys, that's my wife, Tracey."
All four coaches at the same time, "Oh!"
Like a racial siren went off or some shit.
(audience laughs)
I thought the purge was about to begin.
I didn't know what the hell.
(audience laughs)
But my people are guilty too though, right?
I took them down to Opa-Locka, Florida, where I grew up,
to meet some of my friends.
They're all Black. They hadn't met my husband.
I said, this is my husband.
All of them, "Oh.
(audience laughs)
"Y'all together.
"Okay. Ain't nothing wrong with that.
"Okay. Okay."
(audience laughs)
- It doesn't matter how extreme a married person's story is,
they tell it as if you should do it too.
They'll look you dead in the eye.
They'll be like, "I met Robert in seventh grade.
(audience laughs)
"Have you tried seventh grade?"
(audience laughs)
And you're not allowed to disagree with them.
It's too exhausting.
So you're like, "You're right.
"I gotta start trying seventh grade.
"I gotta enroll in the middle school.
"I gotta go to one of those Kumon
"and do afterschool activities."
(audience laughs)
Married men don't try to help you at all.
They don't care.
The only thing married men talk to you about
when you're single
is how they would've crushed it on Tinder.
That's the only thing they say.
"Oh man, if I was single."
It's like, I knew you then.
(audience laughs)
Married women are weird.
They're condescending.
Women seem to be in this competition
that I don't even believe in.
They're like married: winning, single: losing.
That seems to be the case.
So when all of my friends who are my age get married,
they act like they have no memory
of being single whatsoever.
Like they're not allowed to admit they remember.
'Cause it might be that it was a little bit fun.
They'll be like, "I don't even remember.
(audience laughs)
"Oh, what was it? 2012?
(audience laughs)
"Was the Internets around back then?
"I think I just played "Snake" on my phone all day.
"Where am I? I'm so old."
- I recently got married. I got married, you guys.
(audience applauds and cheers) Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, I need the claps.
It's a very heavy ring.
It's very heavy.
It was like a reverse "Lord of the Rings" situation
where I got a ring
and then I lost half of my powers, which is-
(audience laughs)
very different "Lord of the Rings".
We were like, "What? Listening? Compromise?
You take the ring, Sam."
Like the movie's done in eight minutes.
It's not a 90 hour saga.
But we just celebrated our one year wedding anniversary.
So it's one year down, forever to go.
Which is terrifying to say.
But you know what's great
is now it's just kind of liberating.
'Cause I don't give a fuck about any of my single friends.
I don't care about any of you guys.
And it feels great.
'Cause you guys are at home just like swiping for love
and complaining.
Like, "Uh, how do you find people?
"Dimples? Off with his head."
Like a goddamn emperor. (audience laughs)
It's like, "Brunettes, eh, not for me."
I'm like, "Dude, you work at Subway."
You don't deserve this level of choice.
(audience applauds and cheers)
- Getting married's not that much fun.
(audience whoop) Yeah.
You're not allowed to say that,
especially if you're a woman, God forbid over 30, like.
"Well, you're just lucky that the Lord sent you someone
(audience laughs)
to put up with your shit.
And kissing your dog on the mouth. Stop taking videos."
(audience laughs)
There is a world where you can admit
that something is difficult
but also love the byproduct of it.
I love my husband, but the wedding part is exhausting.
It is a physical and mental, and financial
just gauntlet.
Even down to the last minute.
The wedding itself, the whole year is exhausting, planning.
And it's fun. You love your mom (hisses)
but it's a whole thing. (audience laughs)
But even just the day of, let's talk about the day of.
What happened on the day of your wedding, girls?
Right? You had to prepare for it.
Like you woke up early.
"Mm. Just wanna greet the sun."
Got up at like six, like when your dad gets up.
Ha. (audience laughs)
Up. Right.
What, did you meditate?
"I just wanna be centered."
Right? You worked out like it matters, day of.
It doesn't. (audience laughs)
It doesn't, you're not gonna lose any weight at the buzzer.
It's not gonna... (screams)
It's never gonna happen.
What did you do?
You did your little workout
and then you got your makeup done
and your nails, and a massage,
and a colonic and a hyperbaric chamber,
and a hyper, hyperbolic chamber.
Amazing.
And you got a situation room and a silence cone
and a shame corner and a reiki healing.
(audience laughs) And you went ghost hunting.
You did all this stuff.
(audience laughs)
What did your husband do on your wedding day?
I'll tell you, he woke up, like whenever.
(audience laughs)
Went out to eat with his buddy.
"Something tasty.
"Doesn't matter if I'm fat 'cause I'm a funny guy."
Went... (audience laughs)
Who cares if it's bloated, right?
Then he went and got a haircut
on the day of the wedding! Are you kidding me?!
(audience laughs)
- I married my dad, that's who I married.
My dad, who I thought air conditioning cost
a hundred thousand dollars a day to run it.
(audience laughs)
When we would be on car rides,
I thought if you turned it on, your car exploded.
Like just gas. You were out.
We were out immediately.
"Did someone turn the air conditioner on?"
My wife's always around too, I feel.
Just always like near, you know,
especially when I'm at home and it's like I married a cat,
that I'm like, "Ah, you're just always on me."
(audience laughs)
If I do any, I mean, if I go to the bathroom,
she's like, "I'm gonna paint the bathroom door
while you're in there."
(audience laughs)
I'm like, "God, you couldn't do it later?"
"No, I had all the time to do it.
"I thought it'd wait till you went in
"and that's when I was gonna start."
If I eat something she doesn't approve of,
she just pops up, man.
I mean, I'll try to sneak it.
I could eat an Oreo cookie in the attic
at 3:00 AM and I would bet my life
a light would cut on and she'd be like,
"What are you doing up here?"
(audience laughs)
And if I questioned it, it was like,
"What are you doing up here?"
She's like, "I'm always up here.
This is when I do my attic stuff."
(audience laughs)
She put Life360 on my phone.
That's so they can track you even when they're not near you.
You might not even know you have it on your phone.
They just, it's worse than what the government's doing.
I would rather the government track me than her.
(audience laughs)
She just calls me, "Why are you at Krispy Kreme Donuts?"
I'm like, "Look, I'm not gonna live like this, all right?"
(audience laughs)
If I want donuts,
I'm not gonna lock my phone in a gym locker
and go pay cash for donuts.
(audience laughs)
I've done it, but I'm not gonna do it every time.
(audience laughs)
- This is the second marriage.
So I feel like this one's gonna stick.
I recommend if you in your first marriage,
just get that one out of the way.
(audience laughs)
You not even in your final form yet.
After my first marriage, I was a little bit worried
that I'd be damaged goods and people wouldn't want me.
But it was kind of the opposite, you know?
I knew more about myself.
I knew what I liked, what I didn't like.
I know how good my marriage is now
'cause I could base it off of
how shitty my first marriage was.
(audience laughs)
And I'm not one of those comics
that likes to talk shit about their ex.
It's just that we were married too young.
We didn't really trust each other,
didn't respect each other.
She kept trying, I was a little bit bigger then,
and she kept trying to dress me in clothes
with like giant dogs on them all the time.
(audience laughs)
Or just a lot of bright floral patterns and khaki shorts.
Just trying to make me look like a Black Gabriel Iglesias.
(audience laughs)
Basically just keeping me real unfuckable.
(audience laughs)
But my wife now, she wants me to be cute.
Before I leave the house, she checks the hair,
she makes sure I'm suited and booted.
She wants people to want to fuck me.
(audience laughs)
That's a good marriage.
(audience laughs and whoops)
Thank you.
I didn't know what marriage could be fun like that.
I thought it had to be a constant fight, constant struggle.
I didn't know marriage could just be hanging out,
laughing together,
watching "Seinfeld" all day
until you get your dick sucked.
(audience laughs)
When you boil marriage down to that one sentence.
I mean, oh my God, it is beautiful.
Especially if you understand
how often I've watched "Seinfeld" all day
without getting my dick sucked.
(audience laughs)
But no longer.
Mm-mm. Now I get excited as soon as I hear the theme song.
- I will say, the one thing I did right
is that I've been married to the same dude for 17 years.
(audience applauds and cheers)
That's right.
17 years. (audience applauds and cheers)
I married a psychopath.
(audience laughs)
Here's how you know you're with a psychopath, okay?
In the middle of winter
he sleeps with a fan blowing on him.
(audience laughs)
"I'm hot! I'm hot!"
Yeah, because you're a psycho
and psychos have a higher core body temperature
that allows them to stand outside naked in the freezing rain
with a meat cleaver.
(audience laughs)
I told our adorable cleaning lady about it,
and she goes, "Well, maybe it's because he's so hairy."
I'm like, "How do you know, bitch?"
(audience laughs)
Then I remembered she cleans our drains.
(audience groans) Poor woman.
I know, I know.
But here's how you know you're with a psycho, okay, okay?
Look at their Netflix queue.
Look at what Netflix is suggesting they watch next.
'Cause that's somebody's total interest.
That's it.
Apparently my husband only has two areas of interest.
It's either serial killers
or World War II.
(audience laughs)
And he likes to watch his shows
as I'm drifting off to sleep at night.
So I get to hear either, "And the murderer
only killed blonde women, mothers of two."
(audience laughs)
Or...
(ranting in German) (audience laughs)
- Are there married folks out there tonight?
Married folks? (audience applauds and cheers)
I love it. Okay, this is for you guys.
♪ You tell me I'm wrong, but I know I'm right ♪
♪ You say no fucking way ♪
♪ But I insist that I'm right ♪
♪ So I pull out my phone and I look it up ♪
♪ I right away see I was wrong ♪
♪ But I pretend I can't find the answer ♪
(audience laughs)
♪ So I fake like I'm still looking ♪
♪ And you say, "So who's right?" ♪
♪ I say, my phone sucks and blame AT&T reception ♪
(audience laughs)
♪ Then you start to look it up ♪
♪ So I just grab your phone ♪
♪ And drop it into a glass of ice tea ♪
(audience applauds and cheers)
- I have a friend that's thinking about getting married.
He's so dumb the way he's talking.
He's a moron.
Hey, he's been with the girl for five years
and these things he talks about.
"Oh, she's nice.
You know, her family's pretty cool.
You know, she's smart,
but I don't know if she's hot enough.
I don't know.
Yeah, we're talking about getting married.
Is she hot enough?"
Are you high? (audience laughs)
Hot enough? You're talking about getting married
for the rest of your life.
You don't care about hot.
You don't marry hot.
You marry strong.
You don't want a supermodel.
You want someone who can pick up the other end of the couch
(audience laughs and applauds)
without taking the cigarette out of her mouth.
(audience laughs)
That's who you marry.
No, it's a good thing.
It's a good thing.
Look, if you're married and you're in here tonight,
this is a great night for you.
You're having a great time.
There's no pressure on you at all.
You're married. (audience applauds)
You don't even care if your partner's having fun right now.
(audience laughs)
That's not why you're here.
"Let's let someone else talk for an hour."
(audience applauds and cheers)
- So much of relationships is luck.
That's the thing nobody talks about.
It's luck.
Like, okay, so this is the thing I looked up.
So there's a one in eight chance
that you'll marry somebody you're dating.
And there's a 50/50 chance that the marriage will work.
So in essence, there is a 6% chance
that you'll be in an everlasting, loving relationship
with someone you're dating.
Even if they're great and you are great.
6%, that's luck.
And I know I need to pause the show right now
and let all the guys that are here on dates
look at your lady and let her know
that you guys are the exception.
(audience laughs)
You're going all the way. I get it.
But 6%, it's luck, right?
Even if I'm wrong, it's nine, but it's six.
(audience laughs)
It's like we're all,
we all judge each other for our failures at relationships.
We judge ourselves, we should have empathy.
We're all basically just fans
at an NBA game taking a half court shot.
When those fans miss the shot, everyone goes, "Aw."
They don't go, "Fuck you!
(audience laughs)
"Think about why you missed that shot.
"Start with your relationship with your mother
"and go forward from there."
(audience laughs)
(bright music)