*Warning*
*Voiceover of reporter by IHE* This just in! The Youtube channel I Hate Everything is nothing but a hater, and is super jealous of whatever you like!
*IHE intro music*
*Splat* IHE: Look, Kite Man, how long does it take to clean Aquaman's mangled corpse from a stock photograph of a movie theater?
Kite Man: Well, it might be easier to clean if it wasn't completely dried on there. How long's it been up here for, exactly?
IHE: Only about, 2 weeks. Kite Man: right.
IHE: Oh, hi there! Umm, yeah... so, the news.
IHE: "I READ THE NEWS TO STAY CURRENT" is something I hear too many a person say in their defense as to why they watch the news.
IHE: I've been personally criticised in the past for not "KEEPING UP TO DATE," so I did eventually give in and start to read and watch the news more regularly.
IHE: And in doing so, I came to this conclusion: the news is f**king stupid and ultimately completely unnecessary.
IHE: Now, before you get mad, let me explain. Of course it's important when earth-shattering like 9/11 is happening because there is a potential that you could be directly impacted by it.
IHE: And the results from the event are going to change the rules and regulations of the entire planet for the immediate future.
IHE: I'm talking more about the celebrity stories like what Simon Cowell is going to call his f**king baby.
IHE: When I say I hate the news, what I primarily mean is the 6:00 show, or whatever time it's on,
where you have the eternal old-looking man paired with a woman presenter who gets replaced when corporate executives decide that she's not attractive for television anymore,
*HILARIOUS zoom in* whereas the male presenter seems to stay around for perpetually infinite amounts of time like they're Dorian Grey or something.
IHE: And of course, you have newspapers.
IHE: They both feel dated to me now, primarily because of the instant nature of the internet,
where we can pick and choose what we want to read about at any time that's convenient to us.
IHE: And does anyone else notice the ludicrous ways these news shows present their top stories?
*voiceover* On tonight's show, a couple brutally murdered and their severed limbs were fed to genetically altered super pigs!
*voiceover* And these little ducklings might have bitten off more than they can chew, in the annual duck cake-eating contest!
IHE: It come across to me as some sort of joke.
IHE: It seems like the only intention for any of these news outlets to even exist is so that you have something to spark a conversation with your friends. Such as...
guy #1: mate, did you hear about the guy that dropped 40 billion puppies in the river down south?
guy #2: no? well that sucks. thank for ruining my day, asshole.
IHE: Now I don't know about you, but I don't want to hear about all the bad sh*t that's going on the the world!
IHE: I know it happens. Nothing I can really do is going to change anything about it. And what good does knowing that some murder has killed a bunch of people in a small town do to me?
IHE: Apart from ruining my day and making me wanting to watch Requiem for a Dream again.
IHE: Another *BART* of the problem is that people would believe anything that's written down or presented by a pretty lady on television.
Womanly voice: Hey, you shouldn't play games! They will turn you into a murderer!
Man: Wait, what? What evidence is there of that?
Womanly voice: Well, I read it in the newspaper!
Man: Oh, shut up.
*Zoom-in on a murderer*
IHE: Ultimately, I guess it's just another form of entertainment, adding a glossy coat onto something that is completely bland 89% of the time.
IHE: I guess the silver lining is that no one is forcing you me watch or read anything.
And I do read news or listen to podcasts in junction to things I do find interesting.
IHE: But when someone criticises me, you, or anyone else for that matter, for not keeping up with the news,
because it's so important,
show them this video and tell them to f**k off.
*silence*
Kite Man: i used to be a news anchor once.
IHE: (yeahthatsgreat) So when's the body going to be cleared up?
Kite Man: i was San Diego's top rated newsman in the male-dominated broadcasting of the 70's.
Kite Man: but that all changed for me and my cronies when an ambitious woman was hired as the new anchor.
IHE: That is the exact synopsis of Anchorman from IMDB.
Kite Man: oh yeah. well looks like this body just isn't coming off. i geuss you'll have to find someone else to do.. whatever you do.
IHE: Great, more work for me! Jesus Christ!
*silence*
*outro*
BYE
*silence*
When I say I hate the news, what I primarily mean is the six o'clock show or whatever time it is,
when you have an eternal old-looking man paired with a woman presenter who
gets replaced when the corporate executives decide she's not attractive enough for television anymore
*sharp inhale*
Oh, I write too long sentences to be able to talk properly, fuck!