(upbeat music)
- What is Space Force?
- Something we've been missing for a long time.
- You get to go to space.
- Space Force is a little bit of everything.
- It's like the cast of "Modern Family".
- There you go.
- Isn't fun to say it?
Say Space Force.
- Space Force, it's the next generation.
- It's exciting, isn't it?
What is it?
- It is what they refer to as a cloud computer.
- So Space Force is iTunes, it's where all my music is.
- Yeah, I agree, it's iTunes.
- What is Space Force?
- You know, space like exploration
and just finding out what's out there, I guess.
- But NASA does space exploration.
- NASA is only going to tell us what they want us to know.
(canned laughter)
Whereas I think Trump will send his own stuff
and we will find out the truth.
- Who would lead space for us?
- Neil Armstrong.
- Okay.
I mean, he's dead.
We'd have to bring him back to life.
(canned laughter)
- (indistinct) has to have a military background.
- I think so, yeah.
- But the military has advised President Trump
that we don't need a Space Force.
- Well, Trump's his own man.
- He knows more.
- And he's going
to tell us the truth about what's out there.
- [Micheal Kosta] When you're in Trump's universe.
Everyone loves Space Force.
(in unison) Space Force!
Space Force!
But why do we need Space Force?
- Terrorist could through the use of drones
get into space and become a very dangerous hazard
to our freedom.
- I'm sure that there will be war in space.
- Let's not forget 9/11, okay.
I think that Space Force could help prevent the next 9/11.
- Which would be 9/12.
- 9/12, 9/13. (canned laugher)
- I think ISIS could get to space,
- Space ISIS.
- [Michael Kosta] Space ISIS.
Right, Space ISIS.
But do we really need a Space Force?
- That'd make a lot of sense
and we'd be wasting a lot of dollars,
but at the same time, it's just going to be cool.
(canned laughter)
- Let me just unpack what you just said.
We need to have a Space Force.
It's going to be a waste of money,
but it's gonna be cool.
- Right.
- So we need to have it.
You stand by that statement?
- Stand by that statement, a hundred percent.
- (beep) yeah, Space Force.
- Pretty much,
pretty much, we need regulations in space
because you can't do whatever you want.
- Isn't Trump against regulation?
- Yeah.
(canned laughter)
But as a,
ya, I just stuttered myself here.
You know what?
Space Force, it's just a cool name.
(canned laughter)
- It's a cool name.
(upbeat music)
- Hey America, it's me.
The My Vaccine Guy with exciting news.
My Vaccine is now available in all 50 states
of the greatest nation on earth.
Woo.
My Vaccine is the vaccine for conservatives.
You storm the Capitol.
Let My Vaccine storm your capillaries.
Just go to any vaccination site
and say,
"Hey, can I get My Vaccine?"
They'll know what you're talking about.
(beep)
We'll give you one dose of My Vaccine
and throw in another dose 21 to 28 days later
for free.
For free.
Free.
Patriots, I guarantee that My Vaccine does not contain
a Bill Gates Tracking Device.
Heck, you know My Vaccine's conservative
because it's Tucker Carlson's only remaining advertiser.
Think of it this way.
Every My Vaccine that you get is one
that a Rachel Maddow viewer doesn't get.
What do you think about that libs?
Suck it!
Come on!
Look, I'm not going to give you the science.
Let's be honest, you don't like the science.
I don't like the science, whatever.
Just stick it in your arm.
- [Narrator] MyVaccine is just the Pfizer
and Moderna vaccine under a different name.
Promo code.
IH8AOC does nothing.
- Do not wait Patriots.
Get the My Vaccine.
PLease just get the vaccine.
I wanna go to the movies.
(upbeat music)
(tense music)
- How you doing Howard?
- [Howard] Hey.
- [Man] Looking good, Howard.
- It's what I told your mom last night.
(man laughs)
(tense music)
- I made a crazy risk, a gamble
but it's about to pay off.
(tense music)
I wanna put 40 GS on a six way parlay at today's game.
- We are just playing horse, mister
how would you bet on that?
- This is me.
This is how I win.
- [Male 2] What crazy thing did you bet on now, Howard?
- [Howard] This kid is automatic from there,
he never misses.
(tense music) (ball hits hoop)
He never misses!
- Where's my (beep) money, Howard?
- Let me go double or nothing
on a big hopscotch game tomorrow.
You know, I'm good for it.
- All right.
But here's a little taste of what's going to happen,
if you lose.
- Oh you, (beep), you (beep)
(tense music)
- [Man 2] Hopscotch, you bet on hopscotch?
What the heel is wrong with you Howard?
- [Howard] Don't touch the line, don't touch the line,
don't touch the line.
How hard is it to jump into a goddamn box?
- [Male 2] Where's my money Howard?
- [Woman] Give me my money Howard.
- [Man 3] Where's my money?
Pay what you owe.
- You got a gambling problem, Howard.
- 50 bucks says I don't.
(canned laughter)
(upbeat music)
- Profiting off a prisoner's food budget is clearly wrong.
- Yeah, it's wrong, but it's not illegal, Trevor.
That's the beauty of this sheriff.
Well, that and his aging baby look.
(audience laughs)
that's classic, but I applaud the sheriff
for living in the wrong, but legal zone.
Here, let me explain using this Venn Diagram
that I carry around with me.
(audience laughs)
You see,
(audience laughs)
most wrong behavior is illegal,
but occasionally things that are wrong are also legal,
as you can see in this tasty little sweet spot right here.
(Michael kisses his hand)
(audience groans)
You like that, you dirty little chart?
- Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, can you, can you stop doing that?
(audience laughs)
- See what I just did, Trevor.
It's wrong, but it's legal.
(audience laughs)
although I should warn our viewers, it is a class C felony,
it's a finger in diagram in Utah.
I found that out the hard way.
(audience laughs)
- Michael, of course there are things that are wrong,
but legal, but why would a sheriff do something like this?
- Because that's where all the fun is.
It's like taking your shirt off at a movie theater
or getting a Bill Cosby tattoo
or farting the Ghostbusters theme song in an elevator.
It's wrong.
It's legal.
And it's fun. (audience laughs)
It's like when I told my insurance company,
I broke both my arms and they sent me the check
and I'm like, "Oh, it looks like they're working again."
(Micheal laughs)
- Michael, I think that last one is actually illegal.
- Wait, wait, what, what?
- Yeah, you just confessed to insurance fraud on TV.
- Shit.
(audience laughs)
I better be on my way Trevor
and I need to go shove some pizza up my ass,
so I have something decent to eat when I go to jail.
(upbeat music)
- Trump already gave wealthy people
a huge tax cut last year.
Why give them another one?
- Cool it with the class warfare, Ocasio-Cortez.
Okay, it just so happens
that anyone can take advantage of these tax cuts.
For example, let's say
you made a cool mill last year off
a $10 million hedge fund investment.
Now you can re index that baseline 2% to account
for inflation,
which means you just got an extra 30 K
that'll cover my penis reduction surgery, am I right Trevor?
(Micheal laughs) (audience laughs)
I can even loan you a couple inches.
I'm just kidding.
I know you got a hog.
(audience claps)
- Kosta, most people don't have $10 million.
We were talking about the middle-class.
- Okay, middle-class, that's fine.
Let's say, you're a middle-class yacht owner,
like 35 feet max, couldn't land a helicopter on that thing.
You can just use these cuts as a tax shelter,
borrow 500,000 to invest
in your buddy Dino's revenge porn business.
Then you can deduct that interest
and only pay tax on the inflation adjusted gains.
Trevor, I say cha, you say ching
Cha,
cha.
Do you wanna say cha?
- Kosta, I feel like there's no way
you actually understand what you just said.
- Of course I don't Trevor.
That's why I have a broker.
He'll clear this up, okay.
Hey Chandler.
What's up you bitch?
Yeah, I'm trying to,
I'm trying to explain monies to my boss.
How's this tax thing work again?
What?
Right now you are right?
Go, go.
I'll see you at polo.
I got his voicemail.
(audience laughs)
- Kosta, why do you have a broker, man?
I know for a fact that you're not rich.
- Not yet,
but Donald Trump promised Americans
that we're all going to be rich and he's never lied before.
So call me poor.
Don't call me poor, Trevor, call me pre rich.
(audience laughs)
- Okay.
Wait, wait then how much is your net worth right now?
- How much is an iPhone worth?
- About $900.
- Well then I'm worth $900, baby!
What up?
(upbeat music)
- Bryan, thank you for sitting down.
I know you've had some bad experiences with the white man,
but I come in peace.
- Hey man, we're all about peace.
- The people of South Hampton are saying
that due to your monument,
their way of life is under attack.
(Bryan laughs)
You're laughing, okay.
- That's just laughable.
We're a sovereign nation
and they have no authority
to tell us what we can and cannot do on our (indistinct)
of land.
- What was the reaction within the tribe,
when the monument went up?
- Very happy, we're the forgotten people of the Hamptons.
So now we have our marker on the gateway of the Hamptons,
reminding people that they're all visitors on our lands.
- Clearly the monument is a source of pride but what is it?
Could it be a totem or rock carving
or an ancient burial mount,
would its powers reveal my spirit animal?
(wolf howls)
I couldn't wait
to experience this mysterious tribal monument for myself.
(tense music)
Holy shit, it's a billboard.
(eerie music)
I've never seen anything so big.
I mean I have, but it's pretty big.
So these natives are using capitalism
to ruin the white man's sacred way of living with nature.
Talk about cultural appropriation.
This tribal monument looks a lot
like an electronic billboard.
- If you ask anybody on the Shinnecock Nation,
we'll say it's a monument.
- Let's call it what it is.
This monument is your side hustle.
You making some extra money on the side.
- It's a monument toward overcoming adversity
and saying that we're still here,
but also we need money for education,
police department, playgrounds, social programs.
So it'll have an immediate economic impact to the nation.
- How much of this monument is economics for the tribe
and how much of it is kind of a (beep) you
to the Hampton residents?
- I think it's a little bit of both.
(audience cheers)
- Now you see that's not very Polite.
- Every time somebody builds a big mansion
on our ancestors' bones or plays golf
on our ancestors bones, that's a big F-you to us.
So if we can feed our people,
then at the same time,
stick it to a town that stuck it to us
for the last 375 years.
So much the better.
- Okay.
So just want you to know that no more golf for me.
- Thank you.
(upbeat music)
- Before we begin, you probably noticed
that this is a little different.
Well, what happened was over the weekend,
I lost my voice and my doctor told me not to speak at all,
or I might get surgery.
So I cannot say a word.
Luckily I have Michael Kosta to be my voice for today.
His voice might not be as soothing as mine.
And he doesn't pronounce the word controversy right,
but he'll say everything just the way I was going to say it,
including the N word.
(audience laughs)
Just joking.
He'll be fired before the word leaves his lips.
(audience laughs)
Now, the reason I lost my voice was over the weekend,
I was back home in South Africa,
celebrating my personal hero Nelson Mandela
at the Global Citizens Festival.
And as you saw in last night's show,
I was able to catch up with my grandmother.
And we talked about our shared memories growing up
as black people under apartheid,
it was an experience that meant a lot to me
and to all my South Africans back home,
I just wanna say "Gio Banga".
(audience laughs)
That's definitely how you say it.
Anyway, we're still going to do the show just
like we normally do.
So let's catch up on today's headlines.
(upbeat music)
My name is Augustus Mandrake and I'm a posture expert.
I run the
Academy Of Standing Normally In A Way That Isn't Weird.
And yeah, I taught President Trump.
(canned laughter)
Everything he knows about standing.
Every pose, every mannerism, every iconic stance.
(canned laughter)
He learned from me.
You see that?
(canned laughter)
If you want to stand normally you gotta pop your ass out,
I want your head in Rhode Island
and I want your ass in fucking Tokyo.
(canned laughter)
Let me show you, okay.
First thing you set is your ass, pop it.
Working at Trader Joe's, bang,
President of the United States.
Pop that ass.
You see what I'm doing here?
(canned laughter)
Just look at my ass,
don't look my in the eyes, look at my ass.
This is the only place that you can ever hear a teacher say,
"Look at my fucking ass."
Spine curved, arms up, ass out.
(canned laughter)
You see?
See how normal I look right now,
like I'm walking into a hurricane.
And then if you want variation, drop the arms down.
Ooh.
Now I'm the President of the United States.
You see the way most people stand, it's wrong.
That's why I teach the natural way.
The way that evolution intended our spines to stand.
Because if you're standing normally it should hurt.
That's my motto.
This is what we're looking for.
Okay.
Notice the Frankenstein shoulders.
Notice the hands,
see how it looks like he's carrying two briefcases
that somehow caught on fire.
Do you see how incredibly normal it looks when he does that?
I need four volunteers.
You, you, you and you, come on up.
Now try to stand in like the president,
not like four idiots who suck at standing.
Okay.
More normal, more normal,
more normal.
(upbeat music)
- Across the Alt Right Movement,
leaders are telling young men not to masturbate.
- Wait, what? (canned laughter)
Clinical psychologist Dr. David Ley,
(Micheal Kosta laughs)
Ley,
has a theory about why these young men are so angry.
They're not strangling their Pepes.
They know how to masturbate.
They're not going side to side, right?
They know it's up and down.
- I don't think this is a technique issue.
They are actually trying not to masturbate.
- It used to take me hours.
Now it's like, (Micheal Kosta snaps his fingers),
you know what I mean?
- Well, I have one hand.
So you know, it gets lots of practice.
- This guy masturbates, Dr. Ley,
explained that the main proponents
of this no wank philosophy were the Proud Boys.
- Masturbation is lack of impulse control.
- The Proud Boys believe
that not masturbating increases their testosterone
and makes them more desirable to women,
which brings up one question.
Is it working for the Proud Boys?
- Research actually finds
that less masturbation reduces testosterone.
- So there's evidence
that masturbating makes you a more masculine man.
- A lot of really good things happen in your body
and your brain.
But also researchers finding that people
who watch more pornography, they are more feminist.
And interestingly,
they develop more egalitarian values over time.
(canned laughter)
- You're right.
I watch a lot of gang bangs.
And one day I thought, "Oh my God, women have it so hard."
(canned laughter)
"This isn't fair.
95 guys and one girl,
we need some better representation here."
(upbeat music)
- Help us understand
how exactly does Attorney-client privilege work
in this case?
- Well, Trevor, I'm not a lawyer.
I'm just a guy who took a plea deal
and now has to stay 20 feet away from the Denny's
on 56th street.
But I'll let CNN's Jeffrey Toobin explain.
- The way this works generally is you establish what
you call a taint team, which goes through all the documents,
a group of lawyers to determine which are covered
by the attorney client and privilege,
and which are not, that taint team then turns over
to the investigators,
the documents that are appropriate to look at.
The taint team is not involved in the investigation.
- That's right.
There's a taint team.
(audience laughs)
I'm glad you had me on Trevor
because too often, the taint is ignored.
(audience laughs)
Allow me to elaborate with this chart I keep with me.
This illustrates how investigators deal
with attorney-client privilege.
You see Trevor,
this circle represents documents pertinent
to the criminal investigation
while this circle represents documents
that prosecutors are not allowed
to see in this very sensitive area, right in the middle.
(audience laughs)
That's where the taint team works.
- That seems like an important job.
- Yeah.
This is a crack team of lawyers,
we're talking about here, experts in probing,
which is necessary because if you stray too far
in the wrong direction,
things can start to get a little hairy.
(audience laughs)
- So Micheal,
what exactly is the taint team sniffing around for?
- Trevor, they're looking for what's known
in legal circles as all notable documents,
under surveillance or the acronym ANUS for short.
(audience laughs)
- No, no, no, no.
Hold on.
You said all notable documents.
Where's the the D?
- The D, well, the D is up here.
(audience laughs)
(audience claps)
- I understand why you're no longer allowed in Denny's.
(upbeat music)