I am an Italian.
(audience cheering)
From Georgia, so I don't know
how that happened.
Dead serious, my friends.
Everywhere I go around the country,
I tell people I'm from Georgia.
They're like Italians in Georgia?
Yeah, they're over there.
They're just in the Witness
Protection Program.
(audience laughing)
All my relatives
had those great nicknames.
You know those nicknames you see
in the movies?
Italian nicknames, all my relatives
had them.
Mikey the Shark, Frankie the Hammer,
Joey the Blade, Tommy the Rock.
That is so cool.
Is that not cool?
You want to know what I got?
Vinnie the Pooh.
(audience laughing)
That's not funny.
That's stupid.
Vinnie.
Vinnie the Pooh.
Good thing I didn't miss out
on the mafia as a career choice,
man.
Imagine a bunch of wise guys sitting
around a smoky table like, hey, hey.
Hey, we don't mean to alarm
you guys.
But Vinnie the Pooh's on his way
down here.
(audience laughing)
And he's pissed off, something
about a missing honey shipment.
(audience laughing)
All the guys are scared.
"Oh, Vinnie the Pooh.
(audience laughing)
"And Tony the Tigger, too.
"Is he bringing Tony the Tigger?"
(audience laughing)
Stupid, stupid.
My last name is Coppola,
ladies and gentlemen.
That's spelled C-O-P-P-O-L-A,
spelled just like two famous
Hollywood directors we know
and love, right?
Sofia and Francis Ford.
They pronounce their name Coppola.
We pronounce it Coppola.
Actually, both ways
are correct because it's
a very common last name,
Italian last name, very common
Italian last name.
But for the record, I have never
pronounced our last name Coppola,
unless I'm making reservations
in Los Angeles, and then anything
goes.
I can call a restaurant on Easter
Sunday at 11:30 AM
to make brunch reservations at 1:00,
and I'm getting a table,
ladies and gentlemen.
Oh, yeah.
"Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
"We're all booked up,
"but if you leave your name,
"we'll put you on a waiting list."
Vincent Coppola.
"We'll see you at 1:00."
(audience laughing)
It's cool, right?
It works.
It works, but only in Los Angeles.
Everywhere else around the country,
they don't care.
They don't even care.
North Carolina?
"Yeah, I heard you spell it
"the first time, pal.
"I told you we're booked."
(audience laughing)
No one cares.
New York, New York don't care.
"Yeah, nice try, buddy.
"There's six of them here."
(audience laughing)
Told you I'm Italian because
I can't help it.
It's what Italians do.
It's the first thing Italians want
you to know about them.
Next time you meet an Italian,
just look at your watch.
Watch how long it takes him
to tell you.
(audience laughing)
The record is 2 and 1/2 minutes,
but it's usually within the first 10
or 15 seconds.
(audience laughing)
Next time you meet an Italian,
you just keep your eye on him.
You watch.
"This is my buddy Franco Goretti."
You watch Franco.
He can't wait to tell you
he's Italian.
(audience laughing)
He's like a 13-year-old girl
about to jump into a double dutch.
He just-- looking for a way to work
it into the conversation.
And if he can't find a way to work
it in, he'll invent a way to tell you
he's Italian.
You'll get into a car,
he'll buckle his seatbelt.
"You see the way I buckled
"that seatbelt?
"That's the way a
(speaking Italian)
"Italian buckles his seatbelt.
"That's how we do it.
"No one buckles a seatbelt like us,
"uh-huh?
"You hear what I say?
"That's what we do.
"We cook and we buckle seatbelt. "
(audience laughing)
Calm down, buddy.
No one cares.
(audience laughing)
I'd love to meet an Italian vegan,
just to see what he'd tell you first.
Wouldn't that be--
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Oh, you're going to hear both.
But I wonder
which one comes out first.
(audience laughing)
Talk about conflict.
Can you imagine an Italian vegan
that does CrossFit?
Oh, decisions.
(audience laughing)
What is he going to say?
(audience laughing)
What about an Italian vegan who
does CrossFit and is
from New York City?
Oh, he'll have an aneurysm.
He'll have an aneurysm
and drop dead right there, well,
before he utters a word.
There's no way that that can happen.
What about an Italian vegan
who does CrossFit,
is from New York City,
and gives money to charity?
All right, I'm going to stop right there.
(audience laughing)
That's an episode of X-Files.
And we got other stuff
to talk about.
Italians are hard to hang out
with, my friends.
The other time, not long ago,
I'm at dinner.
Table full of Italians.
I order the manicotti.
The entire table loses its mind.
(speaking Italian)
"Hey, what kind of an Italian
"are you, huh?
"Who brought this guy?
"Who is this guy?
"I don't even know who you are.
"It is not manicotti, you moron.
"It's manicotti.
"It's pronounced manicotti."
I said, OK, pardon me, Guido.
(audience laughing)
We don't want to confuse the head
chef here at Denny's.
(audience laughing)
Relax.
(audience laughing)
Take a break.
I'm an idiot for ordering manicotti
at Denny's, but now these guys want
me to say it right?
Come on.
Not going to do it.
I'm not going to do it.
Matter of fact,
I now pronounce it all wrong,
just to watch their heads explode.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, I don't feel like manicotti.
I think I'll get the baked ziti.
(audience laughing)
You know what?
Forget about it.
I'm getting lasagna.
(audience laughing)
"Say it right.
"Say it right!
"Say it right!"
Does that make me a bad guy?
I worry about that stuff,
ladies and gentlemen.
I crossed some weird line
in my life.
I just-- I don't have any more
tolerance for people anymore.
Do people skeeve you out?
(audience cheering)
Do people skeeve you out like
they skeeve me out?
Do they make your skin crawl?
The older I get,
I find I have less and less
tolerance for it.
I had to get my driver's license
renewed recently.
I had to go in.
Let me ask you a question
about that.
When do the normal people
go to the DMV?
Any idea?
(audience laughing)
Any clue?
I thought I walked
into the green room of
a Jerry Springer taping
when I walked in last night.
It's like the Waffle House
after 3:00 AM in there.
It's a freak show!
(audience laughing)
At the DMV, it stinks in there.
No one's wearing deodorant.
No one's seen a toothbrush in years.
This is the best they're ever going
to look 'cause today's picture day.
(audience laughing)
We got them at their best.
I'm gonna comb my hair.
They're going to take my picture.
Is it just me, or do people always
seem broke at the DMV?
When do people with jobs go?
I'd love to show up on employed day.
(audience laughing)
Wish they posted the names
of the days on the wall
so I can pick that day,
show up on that.
When's employed day?
I never show up on employed day.
I always show up
on mutant, open sore, body odor,
ex-convict day.
That's my day.
I show up on Carnival Worker
Appreciation Day.
It's Freak Show Day.
Hey, when's closed toe shoe day?
That's when I'd like to show.
Freak shows are everywhere.
Here's another one.
Your washing machine
ever break down,
you've got to go to the laundromat
and do your clothes?
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ah, ah.
Oh.
Oh, there's a junkyard
of genetic debris right there.
Have you ever been down
to the laundromat?
Oh, that'll put you off washing clothes.
The laundromat's the reason
I own 87 pairs of underwear.
I hate going.
(audience laughing)
I can go 87 days without
visiting a laundromat.
That's a pretty good little streak
right there.
(audience laughing)
It's always the same thing
at the laundromat, isn't it?
It's always the same thing--
barefoot, dirt encrusted,
snot nosed, greasy kids running
around, screaming like animals,
toothless women washing tube tops.
Oh, ugh.
Ugh, why am I here?
(audience laughing)
Please, Maytag, lower the price
of your appliances.
(audience laughing)
Why?
I just don't understand how
some people choose to leave
their houses looking the way they do.
You know what I'm talking about?
You ever look at somebody
and just go, what are you doing?
Who let you out?
What?
You ever been in a Walmart
after midnight?
Holy cow.
What the?
How did they make that decision?
What are they doing?
Are they getting dressed in the dark
or something?
I know they got a mirror.
They're wearing lipstick.
What, do they just walk out
into the sun and go, oh, OK, OK,
let's just go with this.
Yeah.
I'm going to rock it like this.
Really?
That's what you're doing?
You ever see somebody who's either
dressed really revealing or just
totally outlandish?
I don't know.
They could be wearing
lime green short shorts and a tutu
with cowboy boots and a top hat,
and you see them and you get
this little fear in your stomach,
don't you?
You get this little feeling
in your stomach.
A little voice in your head says,
I got to stay away
from this person.
You keep your distance
around the store.
You keep one eye on them.
You know what that is?
That's instinct,
ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah, that's 100,000 years
of evolution working in your favor
because in the natural world,
insects and animals will wear
bright colors to tell predators
that they're dangerous.
There's no other explanation for
why they look like they do in Walmart.
(audience laughing)
That joke has no ending.
(audience laughing)