Hey there, it's Clay with modernlove.life and this is Relationship Inner Game.
Now in this video I'm going to tell you what it takes to make your ex miss you.
OK?
And when I say how to make your ex miss you, what I mean is how to actually make your ex
genuinely miss being with you.
I'm not talking about like weird little mind games and text message stuff that like a 13
year old middle school kid would do or something like that.
I'm talking about like what it takes to actually have like a real relationship with your ex
so they miss interacting with you so they want to get back together with you.
And so that the two of you can have a good strong chance at having a strong flourishing,
successful relationship in the long run.
OK?
So don't expect any BS mind games or anything like that from here on out for this video.
But what's important to realize is that the reason your ex would miss you if they were
going to miss you is because being together with you felt better than being apart from
you and if your ex broke up with you, then at some point they thought that being a part
from you felt better than being together with you.
So you're going to have to kind of turn things around if that's going to happen.
So how do you build these positive emotional connections with your ex so they actually
start to miss you.
So they actually start to associate positive things with being together with you and they
start to associate negative things from being a part from you.
And the answer to that is that you have to understand the complicated emotions that your
ax is going through during this whole breakup stage.
OK?
So in pretty much every breakup that I have observed after helping thousands of people,
I have seen a certain dynamic play-out about emotional reactance and emotional reactions.
Is this kind of resistance that you feel towards interacting with another person?
You know, maybe it's somebody that you don't particularly like or somebody that you think
might have a hidden agenda or an ulterior motive.
And so you just kind of shut down and want to pull away and back off or maybe even run
screaming towards the escape exit or something like that.
When you're kind of in this sort of a emotional state, and for better or worse, if your ex
broke up with you, they are at least feeling some degree of this emotional reactance when
it comes to interacting with you.
OK?
It could be extremely high, in which case your ex is just not responding to you.
They might not even want to talk to you.
They might just completely ignore your messages or, or not pick up the phone when you call.
It could be anywhere in between but we've actually identified five distinct individual
stages that your ex goes through on this journey towards being totally closed off to being
open and actually missing you and wanting to be in a relationship with you again.
So I just described the first one, the first stage of getting back together.
That's where your ex just won't even talk to you whatsoever.
We call that stage one the wall of reactance.
Now the second stage where you're their reactance is a little bit lower, but still pretty high.
That's called the test drive stage where your ex is going to give you one word responses.
They're not going to be really emotionally invested in the conversation.
They still will respond to you sometimes, but they're not going to be very involved
in the conversation.
You're going to have to do most of the lifting.
OK?
And when they're reacting is even a little bit lower, maybe around the 50 50 point you're
going to be at the third stage, which we call riding the dragon here.
Your ex is kind of waffling back and forth because sometimes they have mostly negative
feelings towards you.
Sometimes they have mostly positive feelings towards you, but again, it's just like, you
know, 51, 49, 51, 49, 51,49.
It's just, it's just like a little see-saw or a teeter-totter kind of balancing right
around that mid point, right?
Just a single grain of sand on one side or the other could be enough to shift the balance.
And so this is what we call riding the drag and this is the middle one and you'll experience
a lot of hot and cold behavior.
You'll experience a lot of mixed messages and it can be very frustrating if you don't
know what you're doing.
The fourth stage when your ex is reactance is quite low and their positive emotional
feelings for you are quite high.
We call this the crisis point and this is where your ex, is it could actually be trying
to actively discourage you from spending time with them or getting back together with you.
And the reason they do this is because they enjoy spending time with you, believe it or
not, but they are actually hesitant about continuing to do so because if they continue
to do so, they will have to directly confront any sort of obstacle or uncomfortable situation
that they might need to deal with in order to get back together with you.
This might be, you know, ending a rebound relationship or uh, maybe telling all their
friends and family that, hey, you know, yeah, we broke up a month ago, but now we're getting
back together, or something like that, right?
That can be a little bit embarrassing and they don't want to do that unless they're
absolutely sure that it's going to work.
So that's the crisis point.
And the fifth and final stage is when your ex's emotional reactance towards you is pretty
much zero and their positive feelings towards you are pretty much completely full.
OK?
And this is what we call new beginnings and this is where your ex would be very open to
discussing the idea of getting back together with you - very agreeable with it.
If, if you know, you did bring it up and although you'd really have to do, is just work together
with them to discuss strategies and ways that the two of you can be a more successful couple
and you can have a healthier, happier, more enjoyable relationship for both of you.
OK?
So in terms of how to make your ex miss you, you really need to take your ex on this journey
from wherever they may be at, you know, your ex may not be at of reactance to start out
with.
They might just start boom right there in the middle at Riding the dragon and then you
just have to kind of help move them through the stages from a, you know, in this case,
riding the dragon to crisis points to new beginnings.
But if your ex is way back there at wall reactance and you have a lot more work to do because
you've got to move them up from all reacting to test drive from test drive to writing the
dragon from riding the dragon to crisis point.
And then from crisis point to new beginnings.
So you have a little bit more work to do.
And by focusing on this emotional journey that they go through, that is how you get
your ex to miss.
You know, you might be wondering, how do I actually guide my ex on this emotional journey?
And the way that you do that is that you have to focus on the quality of the emotional connection
between the two of you.
You have to focus on that emotional connection because your ex's emotions are really what's
going to govern a their degree of emotional reactions or emotional positive feelings towards
you, and also their emotions are what is ultimately going to make them decide if they want to
be in a relationship with you again, so you have to stay laser focused in on that emotional
connection.
OK, now we have a lot of skills and strategies and exercises and tools that you can use to
really help your eggs.
Along this journey we call these advanced relational skills and what these are are certain
ways of being, certain ways that you can bring yourself to interactions with your ex that
will create a context for the two of you to have a much more rewarding, uplifting, and
connecting emotional experiences.
When the two of you are together, if you continue to use these advanced relational skills over
a period of time, what you'll see happen is that your ex's emotional reactions towards
you will decrease and they're positive emotions towards you will increase, OK, effectively
you will be moving your ex from the the, the earlier stages of getting back together like
wall reactants, test drive, writing the dragon and so forth, up through the other stages
to the point where they're actually at new beginnings.
OK, but you have to stay focused on the emotional connection.
Now, if you'd like to get more help getting started with these advanced relational skills,
just go over to our website.
If you're aren't watching this on youtube, it will be down in the description.
It's called relationshipinnergame.com.
Go head over there and you can fill out a short little questionnaire, kind of letting
me know where you're at when it comes to your breakup with your ex, you know, are they still
talking to you?
Are they not talking to you?
All of that stuff.
It will only take about 30 seconds and then I'll send you some advice, tips and strategies
that will help you in terms of getting back together with them, moving them along that
spectrum from a, you know, for example, while reactions all the way up through the new beginnings
stage of getting back together.
If you're watching this video on our website because you're already on our newsletter,
for example, what you can do is you can head down below and there'll be a link that will
tell you more about the five stages of getting back together and it'll tell you about how
you can actually use these advanced relational skills to start to rebuild the connection
between you and your ex so that you can get back together again.
Anyway, I hope you found this video helpful and if you have any suggestions or ideas about
future videos you'd like to make, please go ahead and leave a comment down below.
Again, this has been clay with modern life and this has been Relationship Inner Game.
I will talk to you in our next video.
Please take here.