Gracie gold won gold at the U.S.
Championships in 2016.
20 years old and on top of the
world, it was her second
national title she'd already won
a bronze medal in the 2014
olympics.
You sat down with Gracie.
>> I did.
We went to the ice rink for it.
She was done at the U.S.
Championship.
She was favored to take gold
again, but then she fell.
She finished in fourth.
After that she was just
devastated, and that's when her
life began to spin out of
control.
>> I felt like I just
disappointed, like, everyone.
I felt embarrassed to exist for
a little bit.
I didn't want to like show my
face at a rink.
I didn't want to show my face
anywhere.
I didn't want to tweet anything.
I was so ashamed.
I remember just feeling like
such a loser because I just felt
like god gave me this gift in
skating and like my family gave
me all these gifts to pursue it.
And I just still couldn't hack
it.
>> Then it became an eating
disorder as well, the image,
>> When the eating disorder like
kind of like really became --
because I had been struggling
with food.
Like, it wasn't one that was --
I wasn't like diagnosed with one
thing.
I have -- I have disordered
eating is what I identify with
because it's just my
relationship with food is
completely unhealthy.
But for a long time it was like
this thing, like when friends
are, let's go out to dinner.
Oh, it's a fun time.
I have to research the menu.
I got so neurotic about it and
it was this thing, because it
was an illusion of control.
If I can control what I put in
my body -- a lot of variables in
life you can't control.
This was something I could
control.
>> Did the coach tell you that's
a big number when you stepped on
the scale?
>> It's difficult in skating
because it's lightweight.
You need to be in a certain
level of physical conditioning
in order do it.
However, that is a range and
it's different for everyone.
But I remember the first time, I
was like 16 and my coach was
like, I was mad for so long, all
the mean things he said.
But that was just probably
because he was -- again, we are
generations apart.
We are different genders.
How would he know how to
approach me in a way that I
would receive that information
well.
>> How did the binge eating get
for you?
>> I remember feeling so sad
because I couldn't figure out
how to be bolemic.
I couldn't get myself to throw
up.
It was the worst feeling to me.
I remember feeling like, in my
head, you are now a failed
anorexic and you're a failed
balemic.
You can't do anything right.
>> This pattern of behavior and
emotional anxiety and what you
were dealing with, then, then
led to your diagnosis, clinical
depression.
When were you diagnosed and what
was sort of that point where it
all boiled up for you?
>> So, when I checked into the
facility, I remember feeling
like, you're not messed up
enough yet.
These people have real problems,
Gracie.
You're whining because you're
fat, which is your own fault.
As soon as I checked in, like
the first -- the next day, what
are you here for?
I don't know, I have this weird
thing with food and, like, I'm
like really sad all the time and
I sleep a lot.
And then I met with my therapist
and she asked the same thing the
first time.
She's like, oh, you're
suppressed.
You are clinically depressed.
The whole thing is depression.
She was like I can tell you
exactly what that is.
>> Take me through what a day
was like for you in the fog of
depression.
>> So, honestly a lot of the
days blurred together.
Like it's not -- it's almost
like a dream in a way, like I
was in like this dream.
It was more of a nightmare.
I just wasn't there.
It was like blank.
>> Sleeping 24 hours a day
sometimes, right?
>> Oh, I could sleep like there
was no tomorrow.
There weren't any mirrors.
Even my windows.
I left one of them uncovered.
There was laminate on my
windows.
>> What were you afraid to see?
>> I didn't want to see the
outside world.
But I remember thinking, the
world doesn't need, like, more
of me in it.
I was like, I'm just going to
ruin something else.
I'm just gonna -- I'm just gonna
upset more people.
>> Why were you --
>> In my head it made sense at
the time because I thought you
just feel sick and like so
messed up when you look at your
body because you look like a
potato with arms.
It's threw.
>> Like body dismorphia.
>> That was the number one thing
for me.
Body dysmorphia.
>> At your lowest of lows in
Detroit, you talked for months
thinking about killing yourself.
>> I misjudged how important
hope is to the human spirit,
because when I was without it is
maybe the only time that I
really truly felt like I can see
why people leave this Earth,
because there's got to be
something better than this.
So I misjudge, if nothing else,
I want to live the rest of my
life every day with hope.
>> So, she does come out of
that, but I mean, it is -- and
we'll get to that in just a
moment in the second part of our
interview.
You saw how she laughs a little
bit.
She comes to terms with how to
talk about the mental health
issue she was dealing with.
She was clinically depressed.
Thinking about suicide and
thinking about it for months.
>> Fascinating interview.