Would you feel comfortable first just
talking about some kind of like conversation starters or,
you know, places to start?
It can be tricky when the person
might not want to talk about it themself.
I guess because in relationships, quite often we tie sexual intimacy
in with a relationship and place importance on that.
I think the earlier you have those conversations, the better
I found some question prompts online, so to say a couple
of them in terms of because as you said,
some people might be sex repulsed,
some people in a relationship,
some ace people will be like,
I can do some sexual intimacy with you
because it helps me feel connected with you and I'm not sex repulsed.
It's fine.
So some of these questions were: is sex
something you ever picture yourself having in the future?
What are your thoughts on kissing and touching?
How do you feel about sex?
Like watching it on TV?
And so, I mean, is that all sound like pretty good?
You're just kind of like.
Yeah, definitely. And it's good as well, too.
I mean, some people might change as they age, but generally
people have a pretty firm baseline of what they're comfortable doing.
And so having conversations, you know, is kissing okay?
Would you ever want to have sex with me?
What about, you know, foreplay or anything
and just sort of establishing
what is out of the equation or what's in the equation?
Because that will, I guess, you know, if intercourse
is really important to someone,
if that's completely out of the question,
they might need to have further conversations
about what that looks like down the track.
And then obviously in the future and the moment,
if you know you are going through something physical
just checking in that
they consent to it and that they're okay
with what's happening at the time.
Apart from like, you know, that important
initial conversation and understanding.
or ways or gestures
partners have made you feel supported?
Especially just like in terms of
being Asexual and what that means to you?
I guess probably
the two key things to me, one would be,
yeah, consent, like I talked about before.
So checking in about what's okay
and what you feel comfortable with
and not just assuming because you've said yes once that it's,
you know, from then on it's going to be that way
or the highway kind of thing as well,
I think showing affection in other ways.
So for me, one of my big things is quality time.
Like, you know, having a date night or going out and doing something
that's kind of emotional intimacy that shows, you know,
you care about each other, that's not just based around something physical.
Yeah, just having those conversations,
finding different ways that you can kind of encourage intimacy.
And if things need to change down the track,
not being afraid to have those conversations
and kind of reevaluate,
you know, if you need to explore other paths and things like that.
So should we talk a little more
about the second part of the question now,
which is so the first part is how do I support my ace partner?
And then the second is while also ensuring my needs are met.
So we're assuming the my needs are met person is not ace.
Assuming that maybe this is a monogamous relationship.
Like what can you do for your own needs within those bounds?
And so we were just thinking, for me, there's things in my life
that I do that feel sensual and connects me to my sexuality
that, you know, actually have nothing to do with sex.
Like for me, if I do yoga naked in my room
with a salt lamp and incense.
I don't need anyone else to be there.
But I you know, I feel really connected to
my sensuality and sexuality.
And then there is obviously
also masturbation and like self-centered
sexual touch, which after you've had a conversation
to check that like everyone's on board with
that being all good within
the relationship is like a wonderful thing
to be able to do on your own.
And you can, you know, go in and go in
on the cosmic wank and like not just getting off to go to sleep,
but like slowing down and moisturizing
and all of those lovely things as well.
That's kind of like their own needs that
they may need to cater to within the relationship.
But then I think also another aspect of it
is being I still feel close
to the ace partner without something
they may have been used to having before.
So I like what you were saying around like,
you know, the
emotional intimacy and
putting aside time to do those sorts of things.
Yeah, definitely.
And a lot of the long term relationships
of a person who's allosexual and asexual.
You’ll see that they’ve got that connection
with the same interests,
that they've got the same,
that they have intellectual conversations.
And that quite often is
what makes the relationship last long term,
is that they've got this passion
and this drive of similarity and things that they chat about.
Honestly, it feels like a pretty good thing to do anyway.
You know, as you age, I'm sure some people, probably us,
they're going to be horny until they die,
but, you know, like sex drives wane
and like within relationships, things kind of taper off a bit maybe.
And, you know,
it is important,
it’s so important to be sparked in that way by someone.
So I feel like.
It's just good advice for everyone.