Yeah, what up, what up, what up, what up?
[IMITATES CHAIN SAW]
Yeah!
Cut it up, cut it up, cut it up, cut it up.
JULIA YOUNG: No!
Yeah!
What up, what up, what up, ball bags?
Clear!
Yeah!
We got inside.
Put that down.
We inside.
We broke in.
Well, we didn't-- they let us in.
They let us--
yeah.
Yeah, we getting soft.
Ah!
Welcome to season four.
We're back. [AUDIENCE CHEERS]
Whoo!
Feel like Rick Flare in this bitch.
Whoo!
DESUS: Glad to be back.
We know y'all missed us. We missed y'all.
You know what I'm saying?
Listen, the number one show in late night has returned.
That's right.
- To penetrate you weekly. - Exactly.
You know what I'm saying?
Your mind, your mind, you mind.
You sick fucks.
It's gonna be a great season.
We got a lot of special guests.
Vladimir Putin was supposed to be the special guest
tonight, but--
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
He wanted-- yeah.
We're going to do a polonium taste test.
Yeah.
You know?
He wasn't with it, you know what I'm saying?
Sucks.
Sucks, man.
It's hard.
JULIA YOUNG: Did you guys have a good time off?
Any trips you went on maybe?
Yo!
Uh, yes.
I--
Boy!
I-- listen, don't hate, nigga, all right?
You's at home with four kids.
I'm in Iceland, nigga.
I was like, nigga, I'm in Iceland too.
DESUS: Yes, listen--
I look out the window, I was like, this is icy land.
DESUS: OK.
Listen, for you uncultured swine out there,
I personally increased the diversity in Iceland by 20%.
So shout out to me.
Just had a good time just hanging with my famous friends.
You know?
Just some real jerk shit.
And I hope everyone that watched it hated.
Because that's my life now.
You got to respect that the level of petty, you
know what I'm saying?
As I was saying to Maude and Anna Kendrick--
Oh, go on!
[AUDIENCE BOOS]
Yeah, that's right. That's right.
Yeah!
Hollywood Desus, I can't hear you from outside VIP.
Forget you.
My back still hurts from the ATV.
JULIA YOUNG: Oh, god.
Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah!
Haters all around me.
Yo, pelt him with tomatoes.
Throw tomatoes.
Oh, god.
JULIA YOUNG: Mero, do you have any brags you want to do?
Yo, actually, this is way bigger than Iceland.
[LAUGHTER]
All right, let's hear this one.
So you know the candy bar Whatchamacallit, right?
JULIA YOUNG: OK.
Top tier candy bar.
I found a Whozeewhatzit.
JULIA YOUNG: What?
Which is a Whatchamacallit but chocolate instead of caramel,
B. Bomb.
So I went to Ice--
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
wow.
JULIA YOUNG: Mero!
Mero!
So I went to Iceland, and he went to diabetes.
Love to see it.
Well, CVS.
Was it on sale?
It was buy one get one free, you know what I'm saying?
Love to hear it.
Oh.
JULIA YOUNG: OK, well--
People thought I was with Desus
though because apparently my yard full of snow is Iceland,
so I was like, yeah, yeah.
We're just in Iceland eating Whozeewhatzits and shark meat.
Life changing.
You haven't lived until you ate pissy shark meat.
Yeah, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.
JULIA YOUNG: OK.
OK, quick makeup touch up, I believe, on Desus.
Whoo!
JULIA YOUNG: Real quick, and then--
It's my eyes?
JULIA YOUNG: --we'll get into the warm up.
We'll what?
JULIA YOUNG: Spray.
The lighting.
The light.
I thought you said the Sprite.
I was like, the Sprite?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
DESUS: Hey, New Yorkers with marijuana convictions
will get first retail licenses.
MERO: Yeah, shout out to New York State.
It will soon announce plans to usher in its first outlets
for retail sales of marijuana by the end of the year,
giving applicants access to stockpiles of the drug grown
by local farmers and offering sweeteners like new storefronts
leased by the state.
So should we get arrested so we could get a license?
I mean, like--
can it be retroactive?
DESUS: Yeah.
Yo, I got arrested when I was 15.
DESUS: Yeah.
Back when weed was good, bro.
Yeah, you know?
Not all this synthetic stuff.
Yeah, it had seeds in it.
That's how you knew it was organic.
A $5 bag got you here in one night.
JULIA YOUNG: Are you guys going to buy your weed now
from licensed stores?
No.
You gotta buy it from the weed guy.
Yeah.
When he pulls up in a little Honda CR-X and pulls
out weed out from under his nuts, you
know he's got the good stuff.
That's right, you know what I'm saying?
OK?
He opens up the console, he doesn't know what's in there.
There's a gun, random cash.
You ask him what type of weed it is, he's
just like, got gas, who knows?
Yo, it's that back, nigga.
Take this shit.
Because when you go to the dispensary,
you got to pay taxes and shit.
You're a law abiding citizen.
Boo.
Get out of here. You're standing in line.
You're talking to a bud tender.
Mhm.
- That's a thing. - Exactly.
It's a thing.
It's a bud tender.
And then you got to stand, you got to follow the velvet rope.
You got to give them your ID, and
then they don't take the card so you got to transfer it to cash.
Like, nobody got time for that shit.
Bro, and then you're standing behind like, a 58-year-old,
you know what I'm saying?
No shots at Judy.
Sitting there being like--
What do you have for my bronchitis?
--I've never smoked pot before, but I have
a little anxiety about flying.
My friend told me this is good for glaucoma.
Yeah, I have a cataract I just got removed.
I'm just like, I'm trying to get high, nigga!
Get the fuck out the way!
Shit.
You got to add a dispensary to the set.
Yo, for real.
With real marijuana.
And people just come and cop and like, smoke in the back.
Like, yo, [INHALES SHARPLY] yo, the weed--
Just have the staff walking back in the background.
Yeah, yo, [INHALES SHARPLY] they funny.
Yo, they funny.
What would you name the strains?
The name of the strains?
Mero-juana.
JULIA YOUNG: Oh.
No?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That sounds like a Viacom show.
Not that there's anything wrong with Viacom.
Shout out to Viacom, you know what I'm saying?
Big Viacom game, you know what I'm saying?
- A shout out to Paramount. - Throw the Vs up.
OK.
Shout out to Nick Cannon, you know what I'm saying?
Wildin', wildin'.
Oh, we're messy.
We're back.
It's what we do best.
That's right.
We have a network notes, mother fucker.
All of them.
Just so I could hit delete.
JULIA YOUNG: Do you want some animal goss or white goss?
Oh!
You know what?
After being in Iceland, I did enough white goss.
Let's do the animal goss.
JULIA YOUNG: OK.
DESUS: Video shows Ricky Ross--
MERO: OK.
DESUS: --having some trouble riding a camel on a Dubai trip.
MERO: OK.
DESUS: Rosie.
Get up on this camel.
It's got one hump.
Seeing the camel fold is stressful,
but seeing the amount of stories Rick Ross has posted--
what is he 15?
Like--
Yo, fam.
This is Morse code.
It looks like it's Braille.
It's like [VOCALIZING] yo, I'm rich,
I'm rich, I'm rich, I'm rich.
Yo, his face-- every time he's in trouble,
he gives like, a nervous auntie face.
Like, I don't know what it is.
He's just like--
He's like, hey--
I didn't sign up for all this.
Y'all said we was going to have--
you said tropical vacation.
I didn't know--
I ain't never been in a kayak.
And you know that camel was like, he can't fit on me.
Yo.
Damn.
Rosie.
And he hopped off that real quick.
He's like, uh.
He's like, yo.
He's like, you know what?
I'm going to go back to my farm, you know what I'm saying?
Did they have to put the camel down after this?
I don't know.
That camel's a good one.
That was a Bronx Zoo ride camel, you know what I'm saying?
He got released back into the wild.
But the Beijing, impeccable.
That's it.
No matter where he is-- he could be in Morocco, Sudan.
The Beijing is pow.
Scalpel.
Listen, sometimes you got to pack it in your carry on.
You know what I'm saying?
He's like, what you mean I can't take more than nine ounces?
You got to paint that shit on like spackle.
Ooh.
Rosie.
Yo.
It's the boss.
JULIA YOUNG: Hair and makeup needs to come in again.
- For me? - Hair?
JULIA YOUNG: For one of you.
Let's see.
You should just call it makeup on this show.
Let's be real.
Like, ain't no hair.
JULIA YOUNG: Oh.
Aw.
True.
I mean, let's be real.
JULIA YOUNG: Hat and makeup.
Hat and makeup.
OK.
All right.
Yo.
JULIA YOUNG: All right, white goss.
White goss.
Oh shit.
DESUS: Elon Musk and Grimes secretly welcomed
a second child, a baby girl.
MERO: OK.
The "Genesis" singer was forced to reveal in her Vanity--
was forced to reveal?
They had her on the gun--
"Vanity Fair" was like, yo, [COCKS IMAGINARY GUN]
You had a baby?
Huh, mother fucker?
Huh?
Yo, the "Genesis" singer was forced to reveal in her "Vanity
Fair" cover story published Thursday
that she and the Tesla mogul secretly
welcomed the baby girl after her daughter
began wailing from upstairs.
Wailing?
She was being a bad mother during the interview?
She's like 2+2 is four, be quiet.
DESUS: "Her full name," she writes, is Exa Dark "Sadilow"
Musk.
I just did a Harry Potter spell.
MERO: OK.
DESUS: Exa is a reference to the supercomputing term
exaFLOPS, the ability to form one quintillion
operations per second.
MERO: OK.
I just see FLOPS in all caps.
And I'm just like, word.
The name is a flop.
DESUS: Dark, meanwhile, is "the unknown.
People fear it, but it's truly the absence of photons.
Dark matter is the beautiful mystery of our universe."
Oh, they were high, high.
MERO: Bro.
It's like, damn, dog, like, shit.
She texts me a voice memo with the pronunciation
of "saduduah," "sa-deer-re-eel," "sa-dear-eel,"
which she calls "a more elven" spelling of sidereal,
"the true time of the universe, star time, deep space time,
not our relative earth time."
It's also a nod to her favorite "Lord of the Rings"
character, the powerful Galadriel, who
"chooses to abdicate the ring."
I love when you get money, you could just do dumb shit
with your kid's names.
Yo, this is wild.
Like, if I'm smoking dust and I'm saying this,
y'all are like, yo, he's crazy. - Yo.
But you saying, it's like, yo, it's deep.
If you name your kid this at Lincoln Hospital,
they're taking it away.
JULIA YOUNG: All right, you want to do some international goss?
Yo.
JULIA YOUNG: It's not goss.
Oh.
Oh, shit.
McDonald's, Starbucks, and Coca-Cola
was like, yo, Russia, we out.
DESUS: There were 847 locations of McDonald's in Russia
at the close of the year, according
to an investor document.
What is this, an invasion?
Shut it down.
DESUS: Do they have no other place to get food?
Yo, they assed out now.
Damn, Russia's the mall people you used to go to.
Yo, damn.
They closed the food court.
Yo, [GIBBERISH].
The worst part, this is our dollar menu.
We're like, what?
Yo, that shit cost 7,500 p's.
Damn, Russia's down so bad they don't even got trays.
Yo.
Just gotta carry both in your hands, like, yo.
Just come pick this shit up.
Yo, bring a U-Haul truck, that's what that little icon means.
Yo.
JULIA YOUNG: People are auctioning it off on eBay.
Huh?
JULIA YOUNG: People are auctioning off the food
on eBay before it shuts down.
MERO: Damn, 18,000.
DESUS: 18,000.
There's like, chicken on there.
Bro, if I'm buying that, I'm putting that shit on my chain.
And that's the baller shit, the 50,000 rubles.
That's Vladimir Putin's order.
That's why it's taped up and shit.
Like, yo, don't fuck with my shit.
Don't poison me.
Oh, this is-- oh, they got a fridge full of McDonald's.
Hey, yo.
That's not going to reheat well.
[LAUGHTER]
Yo!
They just got one pineapple.
You know that shit was like $100,000.
Ugh.
Fam, yeah, no.
No, ain't nobody trying to eat all those burgers.
The pineapple's just to keep it fresh.
It's not even to eat.
But you know you can leave McDonald's
out forever or some shit.
Yeah, you can just leave it on the counter.
Yeah.
Also who are we fooling with the vegetables in the crisper?
Come on.
You know somewhere someone's got
a bathtub full of Coca-Cola.
Like, yo.
They put Saran wrap over the shit, like, yo--
It's good. It's still good.
- It's good. - It's still good.
It's not flat. It's not flat.
It's not flat. - There's still bubbles.
There's still bubbles.
See, look, look, look, look, look.
I'm telling you, b.
I would say shout out to Russia, but we can't shout.
No? No.
No, no.
All right, all right, I won't write Z on my lapel.
Yo, I hope y'all enjoyed the warm up.
I hope you're warm, you know what I'm saying, and moist.
Now let's start the show, you know what I'm saying?
DESUS: The end.
[APPLAUSE]