Hey, guys.
(crowd whooping, Jacqueline laughs)
I used to write poetry.
(scoffs) Can you tell?
(sighs) I had to give it up.
I just got tired of being in a constant state of enchantment.
Just constantly taking in the mundane world
for all of its glory.
It got to be too much.
Just night after night curled in a windowsill.
Seeing the moon, as if for the first goddamn time.
I think ultimately, poetry is the art
of being a bit much.
So, as you can imagine,
I excelled.
I'm an apple woman.
An apple... woman.
If you read the ladies magazines,
you might know what that is.
They like to tell the women what shape we are
and what jeans to buy.
Pear is a classic shape.
They always say, "You're a pear if you carry your weight
in your hips."
They're like, "You're a pear,
if you have a woman's body."
And then they're like, "You're an apple,
if your shirt hurts."
There's celeries, as well.
But...
they don't say much about them,
'cause they're doing okay on their own.
I was born a celery.
But I knew I was an apple.
I'm a trans-vegetable.
That's the only pun you're gettin' out of me,
so I hope you enjoyed it. (chuckles)
They're rude to apples, they do this thing.
Next to apple, there's always a little asterisk.
And then, at the bottom of the page,
in tiny letters, they're like,
"By the way, if you're an apple,
you're at greater risk for heart disease."
But you go, apple girl. (chuckles)
What do you think of my hair?
(crowd cheering, whooping)
I know, it's pretty good.
I like to have volume at the crown.
Got a little volume in there.
You see that? Boom. Boom.
When it's too flat, it's not attractive.
But when you go...
(sultry-voiced): Hey.
Something happens. You feel that?
You feel it? (giggles)
Do you know why?
It's a, uh, evolutionary mechanism
built into you.
Reminds you of the days...
you were in a cave, right up--
right up against a cave wall, rough.
Maybe against the wood of a barn door.
You feel that. You feel like
you've penetrated me.
Congratulations.
(chuckles)
I do find it embarrassing to be caught in the act
of trying to be sexy. (chuckles)
I'd rather go the other way, you know what I mean?
Just sort of drape myself
in a tarp and let... (chuckles)
It's an old salesman technique.
It lets a man think, you know,
it was his idea that I'm a woman.
I see it. I see a woman in there.
You know.
I find it embarrassing to try.
What if I fail? (chuckles)
My worst nightmare
is I'm drugged, and I'm stripped,
and I'm put inside one of those giant birthday cakes
and rolled out into the center of a party.
And I come to, I don't know where I am.
So, I burst out,
looking confused.
And everyone's thinking,
"Ah, she thinks she's real sexy."
No, I don't. I was kidnapped!
The human body is a horror. (chuckles)
It's hideous.
Even in its best form.
Like, sometimes in a movie, I'll see, like,
an alien and it'll have something like...
like that, going on.
By its mouth.
It's, like, really gross. (chuckles)
But we have that going on,
right here.
Equally disgusting.
I think we'd be a lot better off if we were just...
But instead, our limbs end in tassels?
Flesh tassels?
A fringe of human flesh?
Someone was like,
"Let's cut into that a little."