A little bit about me,
I grew up in a very, very small town.
So I'm trash, if that wasn't clear.
And people say, Oh, Seth, you're
probably-- your town couldn't have
been that bad.
Well, my neighbor name their kid
Truckson.
(audience laughing)
I really wish I made that one up.
I wish that was a joke.
I'd talk to him, like dude,
Truckson?
Is that an old family name?
Where do you get that from?
He's like, "well, the wife and I,
"we really like the name Carson.
(audience laughing)
"We just wanted something
"more manly."
(audience laughing)
I see.
I don't really know what I'm going
to accomplish in my life,
but I know I can die happy
if Truckson grows up to drive
a Prius.
Like that--
--it has to happen. You know?
He just rolls up, and rolls
the window down.
"It's me, Truckson."
I want it to happen.
(audience laughing)
A lot of people confuse being trash
with being poor.
I'm here to tell you, they're not
the same.
All right.
Being poor means you don't have
a lot of money.
Being trashed means you go into debt
for fireworks.
(audience laughing)
There's a difference.
(audience laughing)
One of us had more fun.
(audience laughing)
That's just a joke, Seth.
My dad used to go to the store
to get groceries for the family.
Come back with $0
worth of groceries,
$400 worth of fireworks.
That's the modern equivalent
of trading your last cow
for magic beans.
(audience laughing)
It's not fiscal responsibility, dad.
I was a little bit worried.
My dad came to a show once,
and I was worried he was going to be
sad or offended of those jokes.
He comes up to me after the show
kind of somber.
He's just like, "those fireworks
"are pretty fun though, right?"
(audience laughing)
And he was right because fireworks
are gorgeous when you're hungry.
That is a fact.
(audience laughing)
We ate weird stuff being trash.
Things I didn't know were weird
until I met other people like meat
cheese.
We ate a lot of meat cheese,
you guys.
I get a lot of stares with this one.
You know what I'm talking about
meat cheese?
You're going to pretend you're
better than me.
Dry Bar, is that what's it?
It's just meat that's had cheese
injected into it.
People don't have time to cook both.
So you just do the meat cheese.
I still love it, man.
I love those little hot dogs
on the rollers all day.
Yes.
They remind me of myself, neglected,
greasy, full of cheese and sadness.
(audience laughing)
I love those hot dogs.
I always go grab them.
The other day I grabbed one.
And something made me laugh.
They had added a safety feature
to the hot dogs.
They put a meat thermometer
inside one of them
with a little tiny sign installed
pointing at it that said,
to guarantee freshness.
(audience laughing)
That does not guarantee freshness.
I don't need a meat thermometer.
I need to a meat odometer.
I want to know how far this weenie
has rolled.
(audience laughing)
Anything over mile, no dice.
I can't get my junk food able to go
further than I can.
That'd be embarrassing.
We did eat a lot of cheese
That was-- like everyone else had
grains as their big food pyramid
thing.
It was cheese in the Tippetts
house, man.
We had cheese plates all the time.
Anyone else do cheese plates?
When you take a handful
of shredded cheese
and sprinkle on a plate
and microwave
and eat it with a fork.
That's the-- are we all talking
about the same cheese plate here?
OK.
We got some horrified looks
and we got some of my people.
OK.
Ain't nothing wrong with that.
That's the thing.
Cheese plate was already a term
for classy people.
And I didn't know that until I went
on a date with a classy girl.
We're going out.
She's like, "Seth, let's go on a picnic.
"Let's get some wine,
"maybe a cheese plate."
And I was like, Oh, my chance
to cook.
I'm so excited to score some points
with this girl.
Go back to the kitchen
with some swagger this time.
Hit that plate with the Fiesta blend.
You've got to go with the nice bag
of cheese from Walmart.
Take notes young men, all right?
You can't skimp on a classy lady
with Colby Jack.
(audience laughing)
And there's not really a good way
to learn what the word charcuterie
means.
(audience laughing)
But that's how I learned.
I was like, your cheese plate
Madame.
And she's just like, "I meant
"charcuterie board you Neanderthal."
I was like, charcuterie, that sounds
French.
I think you're thinking
of a European cheese plate.
This is an American cheese plate
right here.
(audience laughing)
Well, like I said, being trash,
it really didn't have much to do
with money.
Because that's the thing,
you add money to a poor person,
you no longer have a poor person.
You add money to a trash person,
you've got a trash person that owns
a tiger, or they buy an amusement
park just for them,
or Michael Jackson's bones.
They're not investing the money.
(audience laughing)
And that's the thing.
My dad was self-employed growing up.
So we had some pretty big dips
in income.
His best year ever $200,000.
His worst year $19,000.
Now, a normal family would have,
I don't know, savings or something
to weather that storm.
But that $200,000, that was a lot
of fireworks that year.
That was a good year.
I went blind that year.
It was great.
(audience laughing)
But it was interesting because we
just kind of riding this rich kid,
poor kid roller coaster
all growning up.
You get Lucky Charms, Marshmallow
Mateys, Kool-Aid, Flavor-aid,
Fiesta Blend, Kraft Singles.
It's not good.
And my parents, they had to get
creative on those bad years,
especially Christmas time
rolling around.
My parents would lie to me all
the time.
I think it's normal to lie
to your kids a little bit.
A round of applause if you lie
to your kids.
(audience applauding)
And some of you were a little too
enthusiastic about that.
I don't know if you should be
calling old child
protective services.
Now, man, people, Christmas rolls
around.
You start telling your kids a story
about Santa Claus.
That's fine, right?
Christmas time would roll around
in my house and my dad started
telling us we were Jewish.
(audience laughing)
And we believed him.
You believe your parents when they
tell you stuff, right?
And we believed them until we fact
checked them.
You take the DNA test nowadays.
You can't lie to your kids nowadays.
We've got too much technology.
It came back 8%.
I'm 8% Jewish.
I don't think that's enough, dad.
I don't think that's enough to get
out of Christmas because you weren't
having a good year.
8%, that's not Jewish.
This Jewesque.
That's Jew adjacent, a jewcent I'm
a jewcent.
(audience laughing)
And after we learned how Jewish we
were, it cleared up some things
in retrospect.
Hindsight's 2020, my dad named
me Seth.
That's a traditionally Jewish name.
But he named my younger brother
Christian, which felt like a bit
of an afterlife hedge.
You're like not really sure how
things are going to work out.
Let's just play both sides
a little bit.
I'm pretty convinced if we had
another brother, he would have been
named Muhammad just to cover
those Abrahamic bases.
At least if we had that brother,
it would have made sense.
But we never had a family depiction.
(audience laughing)
Anyway,
(audience laughing)
that was the slowest burn I've
ever heard in my life.
(audience laughing)
Just like, Oh.
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
And then the thing that really stood
out to me on the DNA test,
the thing that was kind of crazy,
on the top of the thing,
it had a big, bold red letters that said
I had more Neanderthal DNA
than 80% of people
who had taken the test,
(audience laughing)
which I felt was a hurtful way
to phrase that.
(audience laughing)
Just huge letters.
It was just really shouting at me.
It's like if you're going to read
one thing on this test,
if you can read.
(audience laughing)
And I was confused.
I'm just looking at these results
over my furrowed brow
and my large forehead,
my underdeveloped temporal lobe.
And I just said to myself,
(grunts)
(audience laughing)
I don't see it.
(audience laughing)