WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FOLKS, I HAVE SPENT ALMOST MOST OF THE ENTIRE LAST YEAR
TRYING TO AVOID TALKING ABOUT OUR FORMER PRESIDENT, "TEENY
WEENY PEENY MUSSOLINI."
BUT NO MATTER HOW HARD WE TRY TO AVOID HIM, HIS NAME KEEPS
COMING UP.
HE'S HISTORY'S TACO BURP.
THE LATEST BELCH COMES IN A NEW BOOK FROM FORMER WHITE HOUSE
CHIEF OF STAFF AND MAN MAINTAINING EYE CONTACT AS HE
CRUSHES YOUR CHILD'S HAMSTER
MARK MEADOWS.
ACCORDING TO MARK MEADOWS, IN THE FALL OF 2020, THE FORMER
PRESIDENT TESTED POSITIVE FOR COVID A FEW DAYS BEFORE HIS
FIRST DEBATE WITH JOE BIDEN.
OKAY, THAT IS TOTALLY IRRESPONSIBLE.
THAT IS ALMOST AS RECKLESS AS WHEN WALTER MONDALE DEBATED
REAGAN WEARING HIS PET COBRA.
NOW, A WEEK LATER, WE LEARNED THE PRESIDENT ACTUALLY DID HAVE
COVID AND WAS HOSPITALIZED FOR IT.
BUT WHO COULD HAVE KNOWN THAT HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN POSITIVE AT THE
DEBATE THAT TUESDAY?
LET'S ASK MY GOOD FRIEND, ME FROM LAST YEAR:
SO IF HE WAS FEELING DOWN ON WEDNESDAY, THAT MEANS HE MAY
HAVE BEEN CONTAGIOUS WHEN HE DEBATED JOE BIDEN.
YOU CAN'T GO WRONG WHEN YOU BET ON THE FORMER PRESIDENT LYING.
AND HIM NOT PAYING TAXES.
NOW, ACCORDING TO MEADOWS' BOOK, THREE DAYS BEFORE THE DEBATE,
MEADOWS TOLD HIS BOSS, "MR.
PRESIDENT," MEADOWS SAID, I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS.
YOU'VE TESTED POSITIVE FOR COVID-19."
NOW, MEADOWS DESCRIBES HIMSELF AS A DEVOUT CHRISTIAN, SO
INSTEAD OF WRITING WHAT THE PRESIDENT ACTUALLY SAID IN HIS
REPLY, MEADOWS SAYS IT "RHYMED WITH 'OH SPIT, YOU'VE GOTTA BE
TRUCKING LIDDING ME.'"
MEADOWS, OF COURSE-- MEADOWS, OF COURSE, HAPPY TO HELP UNDERMINE
DEMOCRACY, BUT HE WON'T SWEAR.
IT EXPLAINS THE TITLE OF HIS BOOK, "I'M A DUCKING PIECE OF
ZIT WITH MY NOSE UP RUMP'S GRASSHOLE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: OH, THEY'RE FANS.
>> Stephen: MARK MEADOWS FANS HERE TONIGHT.
ALSO, "YOU'VE GOT TO BE TRUCKING LIDDING ME?"
SO, I'M GOING TO GUESS, IN THE MEADOWS HOUSEHOLD, THE WORD
"KIDDING" S WHAT THEY CALL THE ACT OF "MAKING KIDS."
( LAUGHTER )
GO BLIND."
NOW, AFTER THE PRESIDENT'S POSITIVE TEST, THE WHITE HOUSE
HAD HIM TAKE A DIFFERENT TEST AND GOT A NEGATIVE RESULT,
WHICH, ACCORDING TO MEADOWS, THE PRESIDENT TOOK AS FULL
PERMISSION TO PRESS ON AS IF NOTHING HAD HAPPENED.
NOT EXACTLY THE ACTIONS OF SOMEONE WHO CARES ABOUT PUBLIC
HEALTH.
"OH, I ONLY MIGHT HAVE HERPES?
WELL THEN, PUCKER UP, LADIES, THE KISSING BOOTH IS BACK ON.
OH, THIS?
I'VE JUST BEEN EATING CORNFLAKES."
MEADOWS--
"I BUMPED MY LIP ON A BIRKIT."
NOW, MEADOWS TOOK A DIFFERENT VIEW, AND INSTRUCTED EVERYONE IN
THE PRESIDENT'S IMMEDIATE CIRCLE TO TREAT HIM AS IF HE WAS
POSITIVE.
SO NO TOUCHING HIM, NO GETTING CLOSE TO HIM, AVOID HIM UNLESS
ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY-- A STRATEGY THE C.D.C. CALLS
"THE MELANIA."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE DEBATE--
IT'S AN OLDY BUT GOODIE.
I'M NOSTALGIC.
THE DEBATE WAS THREE DAYS LATER, AND ACCORDING TO MODERATOR CHRIS
WALLACE, THE PRESIDENT WAS NOT TESTED BEFORE THE DEBATE BECAUSE
HE ARRIVED LATE.
S6 ORGANIZERS, WALLACE SAID, RELIED ON THE HONOR SYSTEM.
HOW CAN YOU RELY ON THE HONOR SYSTEM WHEN YOU KNOW HE DOESN'T
HAVE ANY?
THAT'S LIKE MEETING WITH VLADIMIR PUTIN AND RELYING ON
THE SHIRT SYSTEM.
SO WHY DID MEADOWS LET THE DEBATE GO FORWARD?
WELL, BECUSE HE SAYS, BY DEBATE DAY, HIS BOSS LOOKED A LITTLE
BIT BETTER.
"HIS FACE, FOR THE MOST PART AT LEAST, HAD REGAINED ITS USUAL
LIGHT-BRONZE HUE."
"LIGHT-BRONZE HUE."
MAYBE HE'S HEALTHIER.
MAYBE IT'S MAYBELLINE.
IT'S MAYBELLINE.
IN FACT, THEIR MORTUARY LINE: "LOOKS LIKE HE'S SLEEPING."
COINCIDENTALLY, MEADOWS DROPPED HIS BOOK PREVIEW ON THE SAME DAY
THAT HE AGREED TO COOPERATE IN THE CONGRESSIONAL CAPITOL ATTACK
INVESTIGATION.
SO, HIS CONGRESSIONAL TESTIMONY MIGHT JUST BE A CLEVER MARKETING
PLOY:
"MR. MEADOWS, WHAT DID THE FORMER PRESIDENT KNOW ABOUT THE
PLANNING FOR JANUARY 6?"
"A LOT.
AND I'M GOING TO TELL YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW IN
MY NEW BOOK.
AT $14.95 A COPY, THAT'S A STEAL YOU CAN'T STOP."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE ALWAYS ARE.
TONIGHT IS THE FOURTH NIGHT OF OMICRON-NUKAH, AND IN RESPONSE
TO THE NEW VARIANT, THE C.D.C.
PLANS TO TOUGHEN CORONAVIRUS TESTING FOR TRAVELERS.
TOUGHER TESTING-- THAT CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING: DOUBLE-WIDE
Q-TIP, AND NOT UP THE NOSE.
( LAUGHTER )
THE NEW RULE WILL REQUIRE EVERYONE ENTERING THE U.S. TO
SHOW A NEGATIVE RESULT FROM A TEST WITHIN 24 HOURS OF
DEPARTURE.
HOW WAS THAT NOT ALREADY THE RULE?
THIS WHOLE TIME, THEY'VE BEEN LETTING PEOPLE TEST UP TO THREE
DAYS BEFORE THEIR FLIGHT.
THAT'S A BIG GAP.
WHEN THE COPS PULL OVER A DRUNK DRIVER, THEY DON'T GO, "SIR,
STEP OUT OF THE CAR.
OH, WHAT'S THAT?
YOU TESTED SOBER THREE DAYS AGO?
MY BAD.
I'M SORRY.
HOOTERS IS THAT WAY, ON YOUR WAY.
JUST DRIVE THROUGH THE WALMART."
( APPLAUSE )
YESTERDAY, THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION ADVISED
UNVACCINATED PEOPLE AGED 60 AND OLDER TO POSTPONE HEIR TRAVEL.
THEY ALSO POLITELY REQUEST THAT ALL TRAVELERS 60 AND OVER STOP
SHOWING PICTURES OF THEIR GRANDKIDS TO THE PERSON SEATED
NEXT TO THEM: "THIS IS AIDAN.
HE'S IN THE COAST GUARD.
AND MADISON HERE IS IN BEAUTY SCHOOL.
OH, YOU'RE OFF TO THE BATHROOM AGAIN?
OKAY, I'LL WALK WITH YOU.
THIS IS DAPHNE.
SHE HAS A NOSE RING.
I THINK THAT MEANS SHE'S A LESBIAN."
( LAUGHTER )
RESTRICTIONS WILL HELP STOP THE SPREAD, AND WE'LL NEVER HAVE TO
WORRY ABOUT THE OMICRON VARIANT IN THE UNITED STATES.
>> CNN CAN NOW REPORT THE C.D.C.
HAS IDENTIFIED ITS FIRST CASE OF THE OMICRON VARIANT IN THE
UNITED STATES.
>> THE CALIFORNIA AND SAN FRANCISCO DEPARTMENTS OF PUBLIC
HEALTH AND THE C.D.C. HAVE CONFIRMED THAT A RECENT CASE OF
COVID 19 AMONG AN INDIVIDUAL IN CALIFORNIA WAS CAUSED BY THE
OMICRON VARIANT.
>> Stephen: OKAY, THERE'S NEED TO PANIC.
EVERYBODY CALM DOWN!
WE JUST NEED TO SOCIAL DISTANCE AND MAYBE BLOW UP THE GOLDEN
GATE BRIDGE AND WALL OFF ALL OF SAN FRANCISCO AS A HOT ZONE OF
THE DAMNED!
I LOVE EVERYONE IN THE BAY AREA, BUT GOOD-BYE.
WE DON'T NEED YOUR SOURDOUGH ANYMORE.
THANKS TO COVID, WE KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT OURSELVES.
( APPLAUSE )
PRESIDENT BIDEN'S APPROVAL RATING KEEPS GOING DOWN.
HE'S PARTICULARLY NOT DOIN' SO HOT WITH THE YOUTHLINGS.
ACCORDING TO A NEW POLL, BIDEN HAS A 46% APPROVAL RATING AMONG
AMERICANS AGED 18 TO 29, WHICH IS A 13-POINT DROP FROM WHERE HE
WAS IN MARCH.
BUT TO BE FAIR, BIDEN IS 79 YEARS OLD.
YOUNG PEOPLE JUST WANT SOMEONE THEY CAN RELATE TO, WHICH IS WHY
THE MOST POPULAR POLITICIAN AMONG YOUNG AMERICANS IS
80-YEAR-OLD SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS.
( AS BERNIE )
THE YOUTHS LOVE BERNIE.
THEY GO GA-GA OVER MY MITTENS AND GOO-GOO OVER MY IDEA THAT
THEY SHOULD HAVE HEALTH CARE.
THEY STAN ME.
THAT'S THE TEA, FAM.
NO CAP.
NOW SCOOP YOUR UNCLE BERNIE A GENEROUS LADLE OF THE CHICKEN
NOODLE.
BITCH BETTER HAVE MY SOUP."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"BITCH BETTER HAVE MY SOUP."
ONE REASON THE YOUTHS ARE DOWN ON BIDEN IS THAT THEY'RE WORRIED
ABOUT THE STATE OF OUR DEMOCRACY.
IN FACT, 35% SAID IT IS LIKELY THEY WILL SEE A SECOND CIVIL WAR
IN THEIR LIFETIME.
NUH-UH-UH.
NO GOING BACK FOR A SECOND CIVIL WAR UNTIL YOU FINISH YOUR FIRST
ONE.
I STILL SEE SOME PLANTATION WEDDING VENUES ON THAT PLATE,
YOUNG LADY.
IT GETS WORSE.
25% OF THOSE POLLED SAID THERE WAS A CHANCE AT LEAST ONE STATE
WOULD SECEDE IN THEIR LIFETIME.
OOH!
CAN WE VOTE ON WHICH ONE?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
-- I-- I-- PICK WYOMING.
THERE'S ONLY, LIKE, NINE PEOPLE THERE, AND ONE OF THEM IS KANYE
NOW.
( LAUGHTER )
COULD COME AROUND ON THE PRESIDENT, BECAUSE AFTER A VIDEO
WENT VIRAL ON THE TIKTOK, THE INTERNET IS SWOONING OVER JOE
BIDEN'S HOT SECRET SERVICE AGENT.
OKAY, BUT AREN'T ALL SECRET SERVICE AGENTS HOT?
I'M PRETTY SURE THE JOB LISTING SAYS, "AGENT WANTED: MUST LOOK
COOL IN SHADES.
TALL AND HANDSOME.
ABLE TO CARRY ME AROUND LIKE A LITTLE BABY IN THOSE BIG, STRONG
ARMS."
THE VIDEO IS FROM BIDEN'S TRIP TO NANTUCKET LAST WEEKEND.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK: ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WHOA!
IF HE'S THERE, WHO'S MANNING THE DOOR AT ABERCROMBIE & FITCH?
I DON'T--
WHAT?
NO, NO, NO.
BUT TRULY, WOULDN'T ANYONE LOOK FINE WITH THAT MUSIC AND
SUNGLASSES?
LET'S TRY IT OUT: ♪ ♪ ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND I PERSONALLY WANT TO SASAROUTE THAT AGENT.
BECAUSE DESPITE ALL THIS ATTENTION TO HIS SEXINESS, HE'S
FOCUSED ON DOING HIS JOB, JUST LIKE MY HEAD OF SECURITY,
SILVIO.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, SILVIO?
>> YES, SIR.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS JAVIER BARDEM.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, IT'S THE MOST GOOPIEST TIME OF THE YEAR.
JOIN US.
♪ ♪ ♪