WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
THANKS FOR BEING HERE TONIGHT.
WE'LL BE CHATTING WITH FOREST WHITAKER AND LATER WE
HAVE A PERFORMANCE FROM KANE BROWN, YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS
IT.
I'M EXCITED TO HAVE FOREST WHITAKER.
NEVER BEEN ON THE SHOW BEFORE.
I'M A HUGE FAN.
NEVER BEEN HERE.
( APPLAUSE ) YOU DON'T HAVE TO -- YOU DON'T
HAVE TO -- ( LAUGHTER )
-- DO WHATEVER THAT WAS.
IT WAS NEITHER A ROUND OF APPLAUSE NOR A SYMPATHY, A HINT
OF SARCASM FROM LAUREN.
IT WAS -- ( SLOW CLAPPING )
GOOD FOR YOU!
YEAH, LIKE HE CARES THAT HE'S TALKING TO YOU!
ON ZOOM.
WHO HAVEN'T WE HAD ON THE SHOW THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO BOOK,
REG?
>> Reggie: THAT'S ALIVE?
>> James: IDEALLY.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Reggie: OH, LOUIS HAMILTON.
>> James: HATE TO BREAK THIS TO YOU, BEEN ON THE SHOW.
>> Reggie: OKAY.
HOW ABOUT -- OH, WE HAVEN'T HAD THOSE GUYS.
YOU KNOW WHO WOULD BE A REAL TREAT TO INTERVIEW.
>> James: GO ON.
>> Reggie: ANY OF THE MEMBERS OF OASIS.
>> James: HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU, NOEL GALLAGHER HAS BEEN ON
THE SHOW.
>> Reggie: TURNS OUT WE'VE HAD ALMOST EVERYBODY.
MAYBE WE HAVEN'T HAD FOREST WHITAKER ON YET.
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: WELL, YOU'RE IN
LUCK!
>> Reggie: WHAT?
>> James: WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE GUEST, ROB, YOU EVER HAD ON THE
TONIGHT SHOW" THAT HASN'T BEEN ON THIS SHOW AND IT CAN'T BE
BARACK OBAMA.
>> CAN'T SAY OBAMA.
>> James: CAN'T SAY OBAMA.
THERE APPEARED NOW, I LOVED BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN.
HE'S WHO YOU WANT HIM TO BE.
HE NOODLES A GUITAR WHEN HE TALKS TO YOU.
>> James: HE WON'T COME ON THE SHOW, BRUCE.
>> I THINK HE'LL COME ON THE SHOW.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO, HAVE THE SHOW ON THE OUTSKIRTS
OF TOWN.
>> James: SOMEWHERE ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF THE TOWN.
>> SOMEWHERE ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF A DOWNTRODDEN TOWN, A LATE NIGHT
SHOW, HE'D SHOW UP.
>> James: THAT'S WHAT WE'VE GOT TO DO.
HE'LL ROLL IN HIS PICKUP TRUCK WITH A DOG --
( DRUM BEAT ) SORRY, I THINK GUILLERMO JUST
HAD A BREAKDOWN.
>> NO, I FELT A BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN THEME SONG COME ON.
♪ ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF TOWN ♪ ♪ WITH MY DOG ♪
♪ AND MY MOTORCYCLE AND A BUNCH OF CLOWNS ♪
♪ CAN YOU HEAR THE SOUND ♪ ♪ IT'S COMIN' STRAIGHT FOR YOU ♪
♪ FOR YOU ♪ ♪ FOR YOU ♪
♪ AND YOU ♪ ♪ AND YOU ♪
>> COME ON, EVERYBODY!
♪ OUTSKIRTS OF TOWN ♪ ♪ OUTSKIRTS OF TOWN ♪
♪ THE OUTSKIRTS OF TOWN ♪ ♪ THE OUTSKIRTS OF -- TOWN ♪
>> James: OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD!
COME ON!
WOW!
( APPLAUSE ) THAT WAS EXCEPTIONAL.
I LIKE THAT GUILLERMO'S BEEN A DAD FOR, LIKE, HALF A WEAKER AND
HE'S ALREADY MAKING A DAD SONG.
>> HE'S ALREADY SINGING BRUCE SPRING TEEN SONGS!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> James: LET'S JUMP INTO THE HEADLINES TODAY.
PRESIDENT BIDEN SIGNED AN EXECUTIVE ORDER DECLARING A
NATIONAL EMERGENCY OVER THE THREAT FROM RUSSIA, AND THEN HIT
THE COUNTRY WITH FINANCIAL SANCTIONS.
THIS COMES AFTER RUSSIA INTERFERED IN THE 2020 ELECTION
AND HACKED UNITED STATES NETWORKS.
IT'S JUST NICE TO KNOW THAT WE ALREADY HAVE OUR NEXT NATIONAL
EMERGENCY LOCKED IN.
ISN'T IT?
TEN RUSSIAN DIPLOMATS HAVE ALSO BEEN KICKED OUT OF THE UNITED
STATES.
AND JUST TO BE EXTRA VINDICTIVE, BIDEN SENT THEM HOME ON SPIRIT
AIRLINES.
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY DID, NO
ONE DESERVES THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S HOW THE RUSSIAN DIPLOMATS
WENT HOME.
THE FIRST ONE PACKED UP HIS SUITCASE, THEN THAT SUITCASE WAS
PLACED INSIDE THE SECOND DIPLOMAT'S SLIGHTLY LARGER
SUITCASE, WHICH WENT INSIDE THE THIRD DIPLOMAT'S EVEN LARGER
SUITCASE.
( LAUGHTER ) IN OTHER NEWS, LAST NIGHT,
DEMOCRATIC LAWMAKERS ANNOUNCED PLANS TO UNVEIL LEGISLATION THAT
WOULD EXPAND THE NUMBER OF SUPREME COURT JUSTICES FROM NINE
TO 13, IN ORDER FOR LIBERALS TO TAKE BACK CONTROL OF THE COURT.
FOUR MORE JUSTICES.
THIS IS LIKE THE SNYDER CUT OF THE SUPREME COURT.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THEN TODAY, HOUSE SPEAKER
NANCY PELOSI AND OTHER SENIOR DEMOCRATS KILLED THE INITIATIVE
ENTIRELY, SAYING THEY WOULDN'T EVEN BRING THE BILL UP FOR A
VOTE.
PELOSI WAS ADAMANT.
SHE HAD, QUOTE, NO PLANS TO BRING IT TO THE FLOOR.
BUT WHO KNOWS, YOU KNOW.
SHE SAYS SHE HAS NO PLANS TO BRING IT TO THE FLOOR EVERY
WEDDING RECEPTION ONCE SHE'S HAD TWO ROSEÉS.
EARTH, WIND, AND FIRE COMES ON, IT'S A DIFFERENT STORY.
SHE BRINGS IT TO THE FLOOR.
( LAUGHTER ) I BET SHE'S A BLAST AT A
WEDDING, TWO DRINKS, A LITTLE LOOSE.
>> PALUSI.
>> James: IF YOU COULD ADD ANY FOUR PEOPLE TO THE SUPREME COURT
COURT WHO WOULD IT BE?
>> MY MOM, MY DAD, SHAQUILLE O'NEAL AND ME.
>> James: I'D WANT MY DAD ON THERE, ACTUALLY.
NOT TO GET ME OUT OF STUFF, BUT HE'S FAIR.
>> MY DAD, IVAN KARMEL, KIND OF A JERK BUT IN A GOOD WAY.
>> James: IN WHAT WAY.
YOU KNOW LIKE IN SOCIETY WHERE YOU'RE LIKE, OH, I WISH
SOMEBODY WOULD SAY SOMETHING TO HIM, IVAN KARMEL.
>> James: WILL SAY THE THING.
YEAH, YEAH, NONE OF THIS IS GOING IN THE SHOW AND NOBODY IS
LAUGHING IN ABOUT 45 MINUTES, BUT THE --
>> James: THERE'S A REASON FOR THAT, IAN, REGGIE HAS BEEN
MAKING A SALAD WITH WHAT LOOKS LIKE REAL ARE DEDICATION.
AND ROB HAS BEEN HAVING THE LOUDEST CONVERSATION ANYONE'S
EVER HAD DURING A MONOLOGUE!
( LAUGHTER ) LIKE, WE'RE HERE -- LET'S THINK
ABOUT WHAT WE'RE DOING.
YOU KNOW WHAT WE'RE DOING?
SOME FALLS ON SHALLOW GROUND BY MY GOD WE'RE GOING TO KEEP
THROWING THE SEEDS OUT.
WHAT WE'VE GOT OVER THERE IS, NO, YEAH, NO, THIS IS EXACTLY
WHY I WAS -- NO, YEAH -- NO, I AGREE, YEAH, THIS CAN GO.
SORRY.
WHAT?
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S THE EXPERIENCE.
>> I'LL TALK SOFTER.
>> James: IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE EVEN AT YOUR SOFTIST,
EVEN AT YOUR MOST DULCET TONES, I STILL GET --
( MUMBLING ) ( LAUGHTER )
YEAH, NO, I KNOW, NONE OF THIS IS FUNNY AND FOREST WHITAKER HAS
GOT A HARD ON.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, WE'RE UP HERE.
WE'RE ON A TREADMILL, PLOWING AWAY, JUST TRYING TO FIND A WAY
OF RESCUING THIS WITHOUT BEING, LIKE, FINS UP, BABY!
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: WE'VE GOT VACCINE
NEWS TO TELL YOU ABOUT.
SCIENTISTS AT OXFORD UNIVERSITY ARE CURRENTLY TESTING TO SEE IF
MIXING AND MATCHING CORONAVIRUS VACCINES COULD BOOST IMMUNITY.
I LOVE THAT AS WE'RE APPROACHING AN END TO LOCKDOWN, EVEN THE
VACCINES ARE LIKE SURE, LET'S SWING, BABY.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY'RE MIXING AND MATCHING
VACCINES.
I CAN'T THINK OF A BETTER WAY TO GAIN THE TRUST OF THE AMERICAN
PEOPLE THAN TO MAKE THE VACCINES LIKE AN APPETIZER SPECIAL AT
APPLEBEE'S.
( LAUGHTER ) IAN, I'VE NEVER EATEN AT AN
APPLEBEE'S, WHAT AM I MISSING?
>> JAMES: AND DID YOU SEE THIS?
HONESTLY, NOT A BAD NIGHT.
I THINK PEOPLE TRASH APPLEBEE'S A LITTLE BIT, BUT YOU GO IN
THERE AND IT KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT IT IS.
IT'S LIKE A PLATE OF WHATEVER IT IS YOU WANT FRIED AND A
NONTRADITIONAL QUESADILLA.
>> James: AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, A DAMN GOOD TIME.
>> THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.
>> James: I'M NOT EVEN JOKING.
APPLEBEE'S, CHEESECAKE FACTORY, ALL SPLITTING A CAB.
>> James: CHEESECAKE FACTORY I FIND TOO OVERWHELMING.
I DON'T KNOW HOW A RESTAURANT CAN HAVE THAT MANY OPTIONS.
THE MENU IS THIS BIG AND YOU'RE READING THROUGH AND YOU'RE,
LIKE, CHINESE FOOD?
( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN YOU'RE, LIKE, WHAT?
A WHOLE HAM?
CHICKEN FINGERS, STIR FRY, BURGER, STEAK, QUESADILLA, AND
THEN YOU TURN IT OVER AND YOU'RE LIKE -- IT'S RELENTLESS.
THE FREEZE IS BACK THERE.
THERE MUST BE MORE FOOD BEHIND THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY.
>> I THINK THERE'S JUST SOMEONE DRIVING TO ANOTHER RESTAURANT
BACK THERE.
>> James: I THINK YOU COULD BE RIGHT.
>> I THINK THEY RUN BACK THERE AND THEY'RE LIKE, SOMEBODY
ORDERED A THANKSGIVING DINNER.
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: AND DID EVERYBODY
SEE THIS?
A CANADIAN MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT HAD TO APOLOGIZE AFTER A ZOOM
MISHAP -- DURING A VIRTUAL MEETING OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS.
HERE'S A SHOT OF HIM DURING THE MEETING.
LOOK AT THAT.
>> OH!
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: HE WAS COMPLETELY
NUDE.
HE WAS CHANGING AFTER A JOG, AND THOUGHT HIS CAMERA WAS OFF.
FROM NOW YOU YOU CAN CALL ME THAT GUY'S CAMERA BECAUSE I AM
TURNED ON.
( LAUGHTER ) THE MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT
APOLOGIZED AND EXPLAINED IT WAS AN INNOCENT MISTAKE
BUT ALSO, IF YOU WANT TO SEE MORE, CHECK OUT HIS ONLYFANS
PAGE.
AND WE WANTED TO SHOW YOU THIS.
A COUPLE IN AUSTRALIA WAS UNPACKING THEIR GROCERIES AT
HOME WHEN THEY FOUND SOMETHING UNEXPECTED IN THEIR PACKAGE OF
LETTUCE.ù AN EXTREMELY VENOMOUS SNAKE.
HERE IT IS HERE: THIS IS AUSTRALIA, SO THEY
PROBABLY OPENED THAT AND WAS LIKE, AAHH WHAT'S ALL THIS
LETTUCE DOING IN MY SNAKE BAG?
( LAUGHTER ) GOTTA TELL YA SHEILA, I'VE GOT
TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IT, JUST FOUND A HEAD OF LETTUCE IN ME SNAKE
BAG!
LOOKED UP, AND ALL OF A SUDDEN THERE WAS A SNAKE POKING
OUT AT THEM.
IT'S EXACTLY THE SAME THING THAT HAPPENED ON THAT CANADIAN ZOOM
CALL.
IAN, HOW DO AUSTRALIANS HAVE SUCH A REPUTATION FOR BEING
RELAXED AND HAPPY WHEN LITERALLY EVERYTHING AROUND THEM IS TRYING
TO KILL THEM AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT?
>> Reggie: YEAH, IT'S -- I DON'T THINK YOU CAN
COMPLAIN IN THAT ACCENT.
I DON'T THINK ANYONE WILL BUY IT SO THEY'RE JUST, LIKE, IN A GOOD
MOOD ALL THE TIME.
>> James: YOU RECKON?
YEAH.
>> James: I THINK YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT, MATE.
>> TRY SENDING SOUP BACK IN THAT ACCENT.
>> James: I GOTTA TELL YOU, MATE, THIS SOUP IS DISGUSTING
(AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) OH, MATE, JUST TRIED ME SOUP, IT'S STONE
COLD, BRO.
LOOK AT THE STATE OF THIS SOUP, MAN, I CAN'T EAT THIS, BROTHER.
>> NAH, IT'S ALL RIGHT!
>> Reggie: GOD HELP US.
>> JAMES: MOVING ON, SEGA RECENTLY ANNOUNCED A NEW VIDEO
GAME CALLED FINAL BATTLE, BUT THE PROMOTIONAL POSTER FOR THE
GAME HAS CAUSED SOME CONFUSION.
AND YOU CAN SEE WHY, IT ACCIDENTALLY LOOKS LIKE
THE GAME IS CALLED ANAL BATTLE.
( LAUGHTER ) THE GAME TAKES PLACE IN A
POST-APOCALYPTIC WORLD THIRTY MINUTES AFTER EATING AT TACO
BELL.
( LAUGHTER ) ANAL BATTLE.
IT'S A VIDEO GAME YOU REALLY ONLY PLAY ON BIRTHDAYS AND
ANNIVERSARIES.
( LAUGHTER ) AND FINALLY, IN HAMBURGER NEWS,
A CALIFORNIA RESTAURANT CHAIN CALLED FARMER BOYS, IS OFFERING
CUSTOMERS FREE BURGERS FOR A YEAR IF THEY GET A HAMBURGER
TATTOO WITH THE RESTAURANT'S NAME, LIKE THIS.
SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD DEAL.
FREE BURGERS FOR A YEAR IN EXCHANGE FOR A LIFETIME OF
HAVING TO EXPLAIN THAT TATTOO TO EVERY PERSON YOU EVER MEET.
( LAUGHTER ) A TATTOO THAT SAYS "FARMER
BOYS."
I GUESS IT'S BETTER THAN A TRAMP STAMP THAT SAYS INI AND OUT.