Hope you guys are good. I'm good.
I watched a bunch of soccer today, which I love.
I love soccer.
I think it's so exciting,
but I got to watch it on the Spanish channel
instead of with these British guys.
They just don't have the passion, you know?
They're just like,
"And there's the equalizer.
[laughter]
"After 89 minutes of play...
[sighs]
"We have a tie.
[laughter]
World's championship match."
[snoring]
You watch that shit on Telemundo...
[laughter]
And those fools are like,
"Y el portero cumplió 33 años
hace dos días!"
[cheers and applause]
You're like, "Holy shit, what'd he say?"
Oh, he just said the goalie turned 33 two days ago.
[laughter]
He didn't say anything. He's just excited.
[laughter]
[screams]
What the fuck was that?
Oh, he's just yawning.
[laughter]
So my parents are from Cuba. I'm really proud of that.
You know, a lot of comics these days get on stage,
and they make fun of their immigrant parents,
and I don't like it.
I think it's a little cheap, you know?
I think it's been overdone.
Immigrants are amazing-- you know, they struggle.
They, like, they--they leave their situation.
They come to the United States. They don't know anyone.
They don't know the language.
They have a kid.
That kid is a comedian.
That's not the American dream right there.
Then that kid has the stones to get on stage
and make fun of their parents for how they talk.
To make fun of their parents for pronouncing it
"Yack in the Box."
[laughter]
Or "Yamba Youice."
That's not okay, and it--and it also--
it's not fair, 'cause they don't have any recourse.
It's not like my dad gets on stage
and shits on me. You know what I mean?
My dad's not up here like,
"Hey, you guys.
"Anybody have an American-born kid?
[laughter]
"Okay, I'm gonna talk about it.
"Oh, man.
"My s--my son, Christian,
"He goes by 'Chris.'
"Okay, what a bitch, you guys.
"I can't believe this guy, getting on stage.
"'Oh, soccer's crazy! I speak Spanish!
"I'm Cuban.' He doesn't look Cuban.
"He looks like he works at Trader Yoes or some shit.
"What a white-washed bitch this kid is, mang.
"I'm telling you.
"Me and his mother-- refugees from Cuba,
"and we in our 30s,
"we came to America.
"We came to the United States.
"We had him. We got blue-collar jobs.
"We put everything into his education.
"We got him tutors.
"He went to UC Berkeley for college,
one of the best universities in the whole world."
[woman cheering]
"And you know what--yeah. And you know what he studied?
"You know what he studied?
"This motherfucker decided to st--
"to study poetry!
[laughter and applause]
"Are you telling me
"I floated through shark-infested waters
"on top of a hubcap
"so this motherfucker can read haikus?
[laughter]
Oh, my God, you guys!"
[cheers and applause]
I think a lot about the traditions
that cross over from Latin America or Spain
or whatever into the United States,
and--I don't know, I think about 'em,
and I was driving the other day,
listening to the oldies station,
and I heard the song "La Bamba,"
and I was sitting there, I was like,
"What is this song about?"
And I speak Spanish. I will translate it for you.
This is, um...
"La Bamba" in English.
It goes like this.
[clears throat]
The bamba.
The-the-bamba, the bamba.
[laughter]
You want to do the bamba?
Do the bamba.
All you got to do to do the bamba's a little thank you
for me and for you, arriba arriba,
the bamba, the-the bamba,
the bamba.
[cheers and laughter]
I'm not a sailor. I'm a captain.
I'm a captain, I'm a captain.
I'm a captain, I'm a captain, I'm a captain, I'm a captain.
I'm a captain, I'm a captain.
I'm a captain, I'm a captain, I'm a captain, I'm a captain.
I'm Captain Bamba. The-the bamba.
The bamba.
[cheers and applause]
You guys have been great.
My name is Chris Garcia. Good night.