- I've known for a very long time I'm a fusion
between boy and girl.
I'm just stressing about not being feminine enough.
(speaking Spanish)
- It'd be so much easier if I just accepted the identity
that people saw me.
Not having control over what your body is doing
is really terrifying.
- Good breath, and then just speak.
- My name.
- [Doctor] Good.
- I'm a trans woman now.
- Oh my God, it's almost gonna be a year.
It's been 11 and a half months since I've started estrogen.
I think I saw my body being more developed.
Just last night, actually, I was like, checking myself out.
I'm like, "Oh, I did not notice that before."
So after a year there's like,
definitely some major shifts that have happened.
But I know that like, it might take one to three years
for effects to fully come in.
It's been a wild journey,
and today I'm feeling hopeful, excited, and fresh.
A year ago, when I started having these thoughts,
I really thought that I would be doing this by myself.
I dunno, as much as I love my family,
I just assumed that this would be
a little out of their reach.
The amount of love that I've received
from my mom's side of the family is like,
really overwhelming and not expected.
One of the biggest things that I've noticed
in me and my relationships,
is that I've started to value myself a lot more.
And really like, bring my full self to the table.
I dunno if it's one thing or another,
but the fact of the matter is now when I enter a friendship,
it's not just bits and pieces of me.
Since I was a kid, I had these different parts of myself
that had just been so separated and like, pigeon-holed.
Since I've started doing therapy, transitioning,
it really feels like I'm starting
to pull myself back together.
And like, really live in the present and be fully connected.
And it's weird to like, see your friends differently,
and see your loved ones differently,
in a way that's like, more genuine.
Like, I see exactly for who we are.
I think one of the most interesting things
is that I'm still the same person that I was a year ago.
I honestly think that it's
that I'm straight-up healing so much,
that like, my heart, and my gifts, and my spirituality
has been like, trickling back in.
In this past 11 and a half months, almost a year,
I have learned so much.
One thing that I learned from,
but I still wish that I'd done differently,
was maybe come to my dad dressed the way that I want to
from the start.
This is where I lived with my dad and my sister
for a couple of months.
In a little room.
(speaking Spanish)
- I actually had like, a huge breakthrough
with my therapist a couple of months ago.
I had this obsession about becoming a cis woman.
Like, I was really pre-occupied in getting my face done,
stuffing by bra, having no hair.
Like, all these little things, you know,
that we consider to be feminine.
What I ended up really working through,
was this idea that I can't and I won't
ever become a cis woman,
because we don't have the same experiences.
I think cis and trans inherently have to do
with the history of somebody's life.
I'm a trans being and there's absolutely no shame in that.
Despite me wanting the safety to like,
fit inside of a box, what I realized was that
there's two huge aspects that I really need to think about.
My general presentation, and my gender identity.
When I started, I was really like, "I'm a woman.
I don't care if I have XYZ.
Like, this is what I'm going down."
After just really checking in with myself
and deconstructing a lot of like, preconceptions,
I'm realizing moreso that my gender identity,
I will forever and always understand it
as the fusion between masculine and feminine.
And that's something I've felt since I was a kid.
And that's not gonna go away.
I didn't have to be just a trans woman.
Like, there are so many different types of woman.
For my gender presentation,
to be trans feminine, or trans woman,
meant that when I walked down the street,
I want people to either see me as a trans woman,
or a woman, or a cis woman.
Like, whatever.
Like, that's how I want to present myself to the world.
And that's how I want other people to read me.
That was a huge thing to accept,
because I thought I could only claim one.
You know, and I thought that having one negated the other.
(speaking Spanish)
- I remember talking to my team
and some other people, and some friends,
about how overwhelmed I was
in the first couple of weeks that I started estrogen.
'Cause I felt like, my chest had like, grown twice in size.
I think it was mostly in my head.
But the physiological changes happened really quickly.
And so if anyone is gonna consider doing this,
be prepared, you know.
It's also, at the same time, not as fast as you think.
Like, these are micro changes that are happening
in your tissue, you know.
And so like, to track it obsessively
is a little overwhelming, to say the least.
(speaking Spanish)
- Times are definitely changing, which is exciting.
But, I mean, it's still unsafe for trans women
to walk down the street.
It's still unsafe for trans people to go on dates.
It's still difficult for us
to get medical services and survive.
So I implore cis people and other people
who don't identify as trans or non-binary
that like, they themselves even push the lines of gender.
If a guy wants to wear earrings
or wants to paint their nails,
or if a girl wants to wear a suit and, I dunno,
like, have a short haircut.
Like, I think that the more that
the rest of the world starts mixing and playing,
it'll make it safer for trans and non-binary folk
to do the same.
(speaking Spanish)
- I'm getting like, emotional about the end of this project,
because I didn't even consider transitioning
until I met other trans (indistinct)
I was like, "You get me. My story is in your life."
I'm really excited and hopeful
to see other kids who like, see this
along with all the other stories,
and all the other beautiful narratives
and experiences that have been shared.
Because we're really a community
and the more that you see yourself in us,
we see ourselves in you.
Representation is so important.
(speaking Spanish)
- I really hope to keep creating space
for other trans and non-binary folks.
I really wanna help people dig deeper
into their own understanding and hopefully heal.
And also stay connected and engaged
with what's happening in the world around them.
'Cause something that happened to me early in my transition
was that I locked myself out.
Didn't interact, I mean, didn't ask for help.
And I forgot that there's so many people
that exist outside of myself.
My name is Andrea Mares, and I identify as a gender-neutral,
trans feminine chicana.
(uplifting music)