FOLKS -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST IS AN EMMY
AWARD-WINNING COMEDIAN YOU KNOW FROM EVERYTHING, FROM HER
STANDUP SPECIALS TO "CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM" TO "BLACK-ISH."
PLEASE WELCOME WANDA SYKES!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Jon: YEAH!
YEAH!
>> THANK YOU!
>> Stephen: THEY'RE VERY GOOD.
GAVE ME A LITTLE CHUCK BROWN.
I LOVE THAT!
THANK YOU!
>> Stephen: HOW ARE YOU?
GREAT.
HOW ARE YOU?
>> Stephen: GREAT.
MY FIRST NIGHT AFTER A LOVELY VACATION.
>> DID YOU GO ANYWHERE FUN?
>> Stephen: SOUTH CAROLINA, WHERE I'M FROM.
>> I JUST DID A SHOW DOWN THERE, NICE PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: YEAH, I MARRIED A GIRL FROM THERE, SO WE DON'T
HAVE TO DEBATE ON WHERE WE GO.
>> PRETTY MUCH.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T NEED TO GET INTO A FIGHT WITH YOUR LOVED
ONE ON WHERE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GO WHEN YOU GET TIME OFF.
HOW DO YOU LET IT ALL GO?
>> IT'S LIKE IN YOUR SITUATION, I MARRIED A WOMAN FROM FRANCE,
SO WE GO TO FRANCE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: HARD TO POP OVER
THERE FOR A WEEKEND, THOUGH.
>> WE DON'T DO THE WEEKEND THERE.
THAT'S A LOT OF MILES.
DURING THE SUMMER, WE GO OVER THERE.
AND I REALLY LOVE GOING OVER THERE BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE I CAN
UNWIND.
NO ONE KNOWS ME SO I CAN JUST SIT AND PEOPLE WATCH.
I LOVE DOING THAT.
I CAN'T PEOPLE WATCH HERE.
>> Stephen: DO YOU GO TO PARIS OR SOME OTHER TOWN?
>> WE BOUNCE AROUND.
WE START IN PARIS.
THE THING IS, NOW, WHEN I'M OVER THERE, AND AS SOON AS THEY HEAR
THE AMERICAN ACCENT, THEY ALL JUST DROP THEIR BAGUETTES AND,
LIKE, (FRENCH ACCENT) WHAT IS GOING ON?
WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?
EXPLAIN TO ME?
SNAFU, RIGHT?" I'M, LIKE, YEAH, IT'S CRAZY.
THE WHOLE WORLD IS WORRIED ABOUT WHAT WE'RE DOING HERE.
>> Stephen: DID IT TAKE YOU A WHILE TO LEARN HOW TO SPEAK WITH
A FRENCH ACCENT?
>> OH, NO, YOU JUST, EH, YOU KNOW, EH HOW DO YOU SAY -- THEY
DO THAT A LOT.
>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN AMERICA TO FRANCE NOW?
>> HOW DO I EXPLAIN?
I TELL THEM, I SAY, MAN, I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, IT'S JUST
CRAZY.
I SAID, WE ELECTED A BLACK MAN, AND THEN EVERYTHING JUST WENT TO
CRAP.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
( LAUGHTER ) EVERYBODY LOST THEIR DAMN MINDS.
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
WE CAN'T LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN!
AND THEY'RE JUST TRYING TO ROLL BACK THE CLOCK NOW.
IT'S CRAZINESS.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A NEW NETFLIX SPECIAL CALLED "NOT
NORMAL."
EXPLAIN THAT.
>> WELL, IT'S NOT NORMAL WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE COUNTRY.
>> Stephen: I AGREE.
WE'RE ON THE SAME PAGE HERE.
>> YEAH, I'VE SEEN YOUR WORK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
I APPRECIATE WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
BUT, YEAH, IT'S LIKE WE'RE RUNNING AROUND WITH POTS AND
PANS AND BANGING THEM, LIKE, HEY!
THIS IS CRAZY, GUYS!
WHAT IS HAPPENING?
THIS IS NOT NORMAL!
IT'S NOT NORMAL THAT I KNOW THAT I'M SMARTER THAN THE PRESIDENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THIS IS TRUE.
THIS IS TRUE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
YEAH, YEAH.
YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY FEEL LIKE HE KNOWS MORE THAN I DO, I'M
SURE IT'S GOING TO BE FINE.
>> RIGHT.
BUT I DON'T.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH.
AND WHEN YOU'RE WATCHING HIM, LIKE, OVER IN LONDON, YOU'RE ON
EDGE WATCHING HIM TALK TO PEOPLE BECAUSE IT'S LIKE TAKING, LIKE,
YOUR DRUNK UNCLE TO YOUR BOSS' PARTY, YOU KNOW, AND THE WHOLE
TIME -- YEAH, YOU'RE, LIKE, WHAT IS -- OH, LET ME GO GET EARL!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YOU CAN'T RELAX.
YOU CAN'T ENJOY YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU KNOW HE'S SAYING SOMETHING
STUPID.
YOU KNOW THAT!
>> Stephen: I WAS SURPRISED THAT THE WHITE HOUSE ASKED THEM
TO MOVE THE U.S.S. JOHN MCCAIN.
THAT'S ONE OF THE CRAZIEST THINGS I'VE EVER HEARD.
THAT'S SO PETTY.
>> NOT JUST PETTY, HE'S MAKING THE MILITARY BAILI BEHAVE
IRRATIONALLY.
SOMEONE SAID, OH, YEAH, THIS IS GOING TO THE PRESIDENT OFF, WE
SHOULD COVER THAT UP.
IT'S A NAV NAVAL SHIP!
THAT IS PART OF OUR MILITARY.
IT'S PROTECTING US.
YOU ARE ALWAYS SUPPOSED TO BE PROUD OF THAT.
AND THE MEN AND THE WOMEN SERVING ON THAT SHIP, THAT'S SO
DISRESPECTFUL TO THEM, WE'VE GOT TO COVER UP THIS NAME BECAUSE --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) -- THE SHIP THAT YOU'RE WILLING
TO GIVE YOUR LIFE FOR, YOU KNOW, AND NAMED AFTER A WAR VET, YOU
KNOW, AND HIS FATHER, AND YOU WANT TO COVER THAT UP BECAUSE IT
UPSETS THE PRESIDENT.
SO, WHAT, NOW WE HAVE TO RENAME ALL OUR SHIPS THE U.S.S. PIZZA
HUT?
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, THE U.S.S. McDONALD'S.
THE U.S.S. MAR-A-LAGO.
WHAT THE HELL?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU, I FOUND OUT,
WORKED FOR THE N.S.A.
>> I DID, YES.
>> Stephen: THAT WAS, ONCE UPON A TIME, THE MOST SECRETIVE
GOVERNMENT ORGANIZATION THERE WAS.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
WHAT DID YOU DO?
CAN YOU TELL ME?
>> ACTUALLY, I, LIKE, BOXED STUFF.
I WAS A CONTRACTING SPECIALIST.
SO I BOUGHT ANYTHING FROM RADAR EQUIPMENT TO SURVEILLANCE
EQUIPMENT TO, YOU KNOW, FURNITURE.
>> Stephen: DID YOU EVER GUY OFFICE SUPPLIES?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: AND THIS IS A TRUE STORY, I WAS SENT THIS BY THE
N.S.A., IT ACTUALLY HAS THE N.S.A. SEAL ON IT, RIGHT AFTER
THE CORRESPONDENTS DINNER IN 2016, THE N.S.A. SENT ME THIS,
AND IT LIGHTS UP LIKE THAT, IT LIGHTS UP AND YOU CAN PUT A PEN
ON IT AND SPINET LIKE THAT.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: NOW WHAT ARE THE ODDS THERE IS A RECORDING DEVICE
IN THIS?
BECAUSE IT'S BEEN ON MY DESK FOR 13 YEARS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
COME ON, SHOOT ME STRAIGHT.
>> UH -- ( LAUGHTER )
OF COURSE THEY'RE LISTENING TO YOU.
COME ON!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
OF COURSE THEY'RE LISTENING, YEAH!
>> Stephen: IF YOU'RE BETWEEN THE AGES OF 18 AND 49, JUST
WATCH THE SHOW.
( LAUGHTER ) >> RIGHT
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
>> Stephen: DID YOU GET TO KNOW SECRET STUFF THERE?
>> YEAH, I HAD A TOP SECRET SECURITY CLEARANCE.
>> Stephen: WAS IT CALLED TOP SECRET?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU HAVE TO DO FOR THAT?
>> YOU GO THROUGH A LOT.
YOU GIVE THEM ALL YOUR TAX RETURNS AND YOU GIVE THEM ALL
YOUR FINANCIAL DATA.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WOW!
THEY GO AND MAKE SURE THERE'S NO POLICE RECORD, EVERYTHING,
YOU HAVE TO TAKE A LIE DETECTOR TEST, EVERYTHING.
>> Stephen: WOW.
YOU CAN'T BE IN DEBT.
YOU CAN'T BE IN DEBT, YOU KNOW.
LIKE, AFTER I HAD MY CLEARANCE, RIGHT, SO I'M WORKING THERE.
AND I BOUGHT, LIKE, SOME STEREO EQUIPMENT, YOU KNOW, AND I KEPT
ONE OF THOSE CRAZY CIRCUMSTANCES CITY CARDS WHERE THE INTEREST
RATE IS, LIKE, A THOUSAND PERCENT AND IT WAS A HARD TIME
PAYING IT OFF AND THEY CALLED ME IN AND IT WAS, LIKE, YOU HAVE
DEBT GOING ON, YOU'VE GOT TO GET RID OF THIS OR SEND IT THROUGH
THE CREDIT UNION BECAUSE YOU COULD EASILY BE COMPROMISED.
>> Stephen: SOMEBODY COULD SAY, I'LL HELP YOU PAY OFF YOUR
DEBT IF YOU TELL ME WHERE YOU PUT STEPH STEPHEN COLBERT'S RECO
DEVICE.
>> YEAH, IT'S A BIG DEAL.
>> Stephen: "NEW YORK TIMES" RECENTLY DID A PIECE ABOUT
PILOTS SPOTTING U.F.O.s.
AS SOMEBODY WHO WORKED IN INTELLIGENCE, DO YOU BELIEVE
THEM?
>> I DO.
THIS IS NOT BASED ON WORKING FOR N.S.A., BUT I BELIEVE THERE'S
OTHER LIFE OUT THERE, AND I BELIEVE THEY'RE THE SAME AS THE
FRENCH, THEY'RE COMING OVER HERE BECAUSE THEY WANT TO KNOW WHAT
THE HELL IS GOING ON!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THEY'RE, LIKE, WHAT IS THIS?
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
( PIANO RIFF ) >> Stephen: PLEASE HOLD THAT
THOUGHT.
WE HAVE TO TAKE A LITTLE BREAK.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE WANDA SYKES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )