Attachment parenting and sleep training
It's not often a popular combination, and and why might that be well it really depends on what attachment parenting means to you
But generally speaking
Attachment parenting is the kind of parenting that
may involve
Co-sleeping or baby wearing
Baby carrying
All the feeding on-demand
Self led weaning and that kind of thing
That's not to say those things are all exclusively a classed as attachment parenting
you might do one of those things to those things some of those things and still not be an
attachment parent but
people have different ideas about attachment parenting and
Sometimes people actually say you know I I like the concept of attachment parenting although
I wouldn't class myself as an attachment parent. Maybe that's you
So and you know there are some lovely concepts about attachment parenting
there are some ways in which it can be very helpful and
brilliant for the parent and the child and the bond and and
Nurturing them there can also be some ways where it's possibly not so helpful like
Perhaps when you have two young ones perhaps you have
You start off along an attachment parenting road with one, then another child is born not too long later
And actually the things you would do
In an attachment parent way with the first you can't do anymore because you have another you know baby to look after so
it can be a number of different things to different people but
What I look at today is the?
Theory behind its attachment parenting and sleep training the reason why the two don't often come together is because quite often
attachment parents
follow more philosophies about
Kind of just doing whatever their baby wants and that might not necessarily be what the baby needs
But it it often will be what the baby wants and so training in any kind of way
probably wouldn't be high on the agenda for an attachment parent because to try a
child or you know to Train anything into any one requires a
Consistency it requires boundaries and it requires structure
And and those are things that you may not have in
your attachment parenting
Principles, maybe you do but you may not have which is why sometimes those two things don't go together, but they can
They absolutely can
You can
Work on sleep and have an attachment parenting
Style to how you parent?
So how can you what are the things we need to consider? Well that's number one you need to consider what your goals are what?
Outcomes are you hoping for? What? Do you actually want to achieve in the sleep training?
Maybe you are Co sleeping with your child. You don't want to stop Co sleeping, but you want your child to actually sleep
because maybe your Co sleeping, but they're not really sleeping very well or
Maybe your Co sleeping and your little one is helping themselves
To feed so it may be feeding from mum whenever they stir awake in the night
And mum is thinking well don't want them to do that anymore
still happy to have my child in my bed, but just don't want this kind of you know an
Endless you know using mummy like a pacifier kind of scenario that might be your goal
The other girl nor the guy. I'm thinking of perhaps. You're
You're not Co sleeping
Maybe you just you like having your baby in your room or your young child in your room
and you like that closeness and
But you're also finding that your child wakes up a lot struggles to settle themselves and needs a lot of help to get to sleep
So you want to improve that you want to help your child to be able to put themself to sleep?
But you do still want that closeness
That's possible too
So I think it's really important at the beginning to just actually consider. Well. What is it? I'm actually setting out to achieve here
What do I want to achieve?
with my table sleep
And how do I how does that sit with my attachment parenting philosophies and do I want?
Do I want the best of both worlds here?
You know and just see if they marry up because it's really important to recognize. What is and isn't realistic in terms of?
Possible if you want
Your child who Co seats in your bed next to you
To be able to put themself to sleep
You can do some work on that
But you've got to consider the fact that your being there may be the crutch your being there may be
The thing that enables your child to put themself to sleep so maybe they're not
Fully putting themself to sleep because you being there is an essential ingredient
So if you want your child to be able to put themselves to sleep
That that's the skill that they'll be able to do any time
So you could say night-night put them down and go out for the evening
or
something similar
You if you really want that skill to be a hundred percent there
And when they can put themselves to sleep that also means put themselves back to sleep if they stir awake in the night
Which we all do?
So if that's the thing you want to achieve
but
you are
Adamant that you still want to sleep in the same bed as a child you've got to understand that your being there might be
Actually a part of that might be doing it for the child a little bit
So there's only so far down that skill line that you're going to get with your child
you'll definitely be able to get progress, but you you won't be able to I
guess
master that skill in that child if
You being there is a requirement to completely independently settle themselves it needs to be completely independent, so
Just consider what your what you actually want to achieve just make sure that your goals
and your expectations are
In line with each other because otherwise a might not you know well
It won't work because you won't see it through the second thing is to be aware of
Intermittent reinforcement, and they talked about that quite a lot and but basically
When you're training you have to be consistent
and I mean anything a
Great complete sideline example is if you are training to get into better shape you're not going to get in better shape if you
Randomly now and again exercise, or if you randomly now and again
Binge eat you know you've got to be consistent. There's got to be
Regularity, and you know anything you want to achieve will be achieved
Over daily actions even if they're small, but certain principles that you go with every single day
So you know if you're going to teach your child
Anything you need to be consistent when it allows to read they don't just pick up a bit once every few months
They need practice every single day, and they'll get better at it and better at it, so it's the same kind of concept now
It's not gonna work if you
for example
Say no, you're gonna sleep in your own crib or you're in court or you're in bed
Or what have you that's what you're gonna sleep now. That's figure asleep now. I'm putting you down
This is where you're sleeping and then you know
Some point in the day or in the early hours of the morning, and you just think I had enough
Yeah, you know it's fine come on. That's Pikmin sling or I'll just carry you or rock you off to sleep
you know and you just
Change your mind
When you don't feel like it or you decide because you know that other part of you is saying why not?
What's wrong with that?
I want to do that and that's fine
But just know that if you're going to do that if you know that you're likely to do that you're going to
Not only not see results but probably make the situation worse and harder for yourself and for your child
intermittent reinforcement or in other words a lack of consistency is the
Likely route to creating a monster and basically
Making your situation worse than it was before you even began
Why because you've what you do. There is you teach your child it's like saying no no no no no no oh
Okay, then and what you're doing now is you're teaching the child. Oh all right, so I know it's a yes
I know I can get that eventually so I'll tell you what yeah, I ki. I see what they're doing here
They're teaching me that I need to
scream harder cry hard hold out longer protests more
And then I'll get it so okay fine. I'll do that
And the same goes for any age child you know if you teach them that
Yeah, eventually I might say yes. There is a chance
Then they will persist until they break you down
I'm thinking of older kids there, but you know it's the same principle, so just make sure that you are
Confident and happy and understand the absolute importance of your consistency
The third thing I want to share with you on this kind of attachment parenting meet sleep training
combination is
What you actually could achieve? What why it is worth it, and how you can achieve something I?
Spoke to a lady who was saying I really I really like and have followed kind of principles of attachment parenting
But I've never closed up with my children, and I said, that's okay
it doesn't you know that doesn't make you any less of an attachment parent if that's the principles you like to follow and
machine we only wanted to understand what what she could achieve, and she said you know I
My baby is still in my room
And I think this baby was probably about
Ten months or so and definitely passed the you know the recommended safety
Guidelines for broom sharing, and he said I quite like the men in my room
Does that make it impossible for me to improve the sleep, and I said no it doesn't make it impossible
But you have to look at the individual situation and the individual child if your child is very switched on very alert
then actually being in that same room with you might be sabotaging their learning efforts when you're cha up and
You know looks around and goes
Oh, yeah, it's still my time, and you know maybe wants to practice that you have just lay back down and go to sleep
They're gonna find that a lot harder if they're like oh you're there
Hi, and just try to interact with you
Or if if that's the norm if it's I'm awake come and see me
And even if coming and seeing them just to going over there
That's enough for them to think that's what we do I wake up we do this they're gonna wake up
We all wake up we wake up three to six times a night
It's gonna happen, but the only way to expect that child to resettle is through practice
So it may or may not be easier and actually kinder on the child to give them their own space
Give them that room
to maneuver to to figure things out and to
Practice that doesn't mean you're gonna ignore them if they wake up screaming and they need you you go. That's of course you do
Everything I recommend is responsive. You're always gonna respond to your child. You're always going to meet their needs
but you're also going to learn that needs and wants are different a
Child's needs need to be met a child wants. Don't need to be met
and it's very easy to confuse the two especially when you are an attentive and sleep-deprived parent who just
wants peace and harmony
So
The point here really is that you can still keep the closeness if you have come from and perhaps attachment parenting principles
But you know that it's now time to kind of move on from that perhaps
There is a new child on the way or or has arrived or perhaps. You just know that it's not really
Serving you or your child anymore if that's you and it's time to move on then
Just know that you can keep that closeness that bond that you've formed that
Lovely sense of security that your child has
And if you decide it's time to move them to their own room and start helping them become a better sleeper that
Doesn't mean you're gonna break that that doesn't mean you're going to leave them there to
Feel all alone or be crying out and nobody comes or you know all those kind of horror stories
That's not what you would need to do in order to improve their sleep what you would be doing is you would be going?
Here look here's a nice new sleep environment. That's yours used
You know you're used to going to sleep with me right nearby you're still going to go to sleep with me right now
Bye, and you would start off by staying close by in that room whilst your child falls asleep offering comfort
Being just as attentive as you were in your room
But bit by bit you'll be able to almost hand over the reins to your little one as some when they're ready
So that they're actually quite happily
Developing that ability and quite happily
becoming more independent and more skilled
Just because a child or a baby becomes independent and is capable
Doesn't mean your attachment is in any way broken
independence and
Maybe not needing you quite so much doesn't mean that you haven't got that closeness in that attachment
So just remember that you know you want your child to grow up to become a very independent adult
So don't you know don't take away their independence as a little one if that's what they're seeking
independence doesn't mean
You know there's no bond. There's no attachment attachment is healthy in an independent child
So that's all really I wanted to share there's really three key points, so just remember if you are
from an attachment parenting
Mindset, but you want to think about some sleep training just consider. What are your goals? What are the outcomes? You really want to achieve?
beware of
Intermittent reinforcement and understand that you have got to be consistent training will require some rules and boundaries
and you'll need to stick to them and
finally know that you can achieve something you can see improvements and
sleep training with attachment parenting philosophies
So there you go some
Hopefully some tips to drive you forward and of course if you have any questions at all
Don't hesitate to get in touch. We have a team of consultants ready to help you and
guide you through by the hand