Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘Don’t shoot, it’s me!’
2020 Texas Gladiators, which we probably should have reviewed earlier,
is pretty indistinguishable from Bronx Warriors, Raiders of Atlantis,
and indeed, 2019: After the Fall of New York
– please subscribe to see these and more.
‘It’d be a new experience’
And when you look at the glut of post-apocalyptic movies coming out of Italy in the 80s,
you do have to wonder what the hell was going on there, that this seemed the most likely future.
Although, I’m not sure anyone could have accurately predicted 2020.
We open with a statement of intent.
‘Let’s make sure nobody’s left alive’
They have a go.
The heroic post-apocalyptic rangers take out the evil post-apocalyptic bad guys,
'Arrrgh, let me go!'
who seem to have raided a nunnery,
saving Throne of Fire’s Sabrina Siani.
But one of the rangers didn’t get the memo explaining they’re the good guys
and has to be admonished,
‘Why’d you do it Catch Dog?’
Why d’you think?.
Introductions follow.
‘Tell me what your name is.'
‘Maeda, an yours?’ ‘Nexus’
Nexus and Maeda, it must be the future.
And after a brief exchange of ideologies.
‘You’ve got to be strong in a world without laws’
‘The law has gone and killing isn’t the way to bring it back’
Nexus swears off violence to join Maeda at the peaceful refinery,
developing energy solutions for a less Mad Max future.
Someone didn’t get the post-apocalyptic dress code.
But this makes them a target for bad guys.
and the workers rush to defend themselves.
Non-violence is a flexible doctrine.
The bikers are driven away, but now...
Is it weird the anarchic bikers are on the same side as the riot police?
I can see a problem with their shields.
Aim for the holes!
Actually they have thermal shields so bullets just bounce off.
Making you wonder why they bothered with the bikers.
One of whom, picks up the Dark Corners Madonna award for uncomfortable underwear.
Nexus and Maeda are captured with predictable results.
‘You don’t want to play huh.’ #Moooo#
Even the cow is disgusted.
Now we meet the riot police’s leader.
‘We are the new order!
’The one true strong and reliable force that has grown from the atomic war.'
Colonel Klink here employs the bikers on top of his soldiers as shock troops
– shock troops without thermal shields,
who – spoilers – lose every fight they’re in throughout the film.
For some reason, they’ve left Nexus unguarded and loosely tied up,
so he’s free to sneak up....
'Noooooo!'
and get himself killed.
We now jump to the old west.
Where Maeda has been won in a card game.
But Nexus’s old mates are there to win her back with a game of Russian Roulette.
Now, you see that’s cheating.
'Your turn.'
#Bang#
‘I won’
Did you? This gets Jab and Halakron into trouble.
‘You’ll get 10 years down in the mines for all the damage you’ve done in here’
Yes because having killed Nexus and side-lined Maeda
there’s definitely time to start what seems like a completely unrelated story.
But Colonel Klink has heard about the rangers.
‘You’ve got to stop them. Everything’s going according to plan’
And no, there was nothing to foreshadow the idea that these guys could stop him.
‘What’s the matter? Afraid of three men?’
You’re one to talk, and, FYI if your entire army can be defeated by three men,
maybe your New World Order was doomed to begin with.
‘I’m not amused by your joke’
The third ranger, Red Wolfe, rescues his friends with the help of Maeda,
last seen a slave in the saloon, now suddenly a gun-toting ranger.
How long were they in that mine?
‘There’s not enough to drink so just wet your lips’
Then pout and call me Daddy.
The bikers attack but the rangers trick them by mashing the face of the enemy dead
and passing them off as their own corpses.
and they escape.
‘Where are we going?’ ‘Who knows’
This is the threat to the New World Order.
They seek help.
‘We don’t trust white men’
Oh good it’s a Western again.
‘But we are all part of one people, one tribe, one race’
Yeah, lecture the native Americans on how we’re all in this together.
That’ll go down well.
But they do join up for the assault on the refinery
and it turns out that thermal shields don’t stop arrows because...
‘The tips of our arrows are cold’
A wafer thin rationale for this ridiculous ending.
'Nothing can stop them.'
and so on.
This is Maeda’s story. She’s there pretty much throughout, excepting the mine,
her philosophy underpins the conclusion, she has the strongest revenge motive,
and is trying to save her daughter.
But the film is never from her perspective.
‘Yes it was terrible’
Not that that would fix it, this is just a bunch of vaguely connected fight scenes.
'You go on insulting us, is that all you can give us?'
Pretty much. But one of these days we must do a timeline of apocalypses.
Thanks for watching. For a more recent 2020 story, check out my book The Golem of 2020,
there’s a link in the description below.
Most post-apocalyptic films look the same, how would yours differ?
Pitch us your post-apocalyptic world in the comments below.
'Get going.'