Why does my ex talk badly about me when I didn't even behave all that terribly?
That's what we're going to be talking about in this video, but first, my name is Clay
with modernlove.life, where we help you get the great loving relationship that you're
looking for without having to play mind games, without having to play hard to get and without
having to pretend to be someone or something that you're not, because you deserve to be
loved for the unique, amazing and wonderful person that you are.
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Okay, so let's go ahead and get into this.
So your ex is not being totally fair with you, talking badly about you, saying bad things
about you after the breakup.
Sure, maybe you have your fair part to contribute to the breakup, but you didn't do all the
things that they said you did.
You're not as bad as they said you are, so what's going on?
Why are they doing this?
What's happening here is basically this: in order to break up with somebody, a person
has to sort of go through a certain psychological process.
You see, when you break up with somebody, you're kind of hurting them.
You're kind of causing them pain.
Maybe in your breakup there were tears involved, maybe there was crying, maybe there were a
lot of emotions.
That's usually the case, and because of that, your ex probably is stuck feeling, "Am I a
good person?
Am I a bad person?
I hurt someone.
I made them cry.
I caused them a lot of emotional distress.
What does that say about me?"
Nobody wants to think of themselves as a bad person, as somebody who goes out and hurts
others, as somebody who causes them to cry or anything like that.
What has to happen is your ex needs to start to think about things in a certain way that
allows them to live with themselves.
What they often need to do is they need to delete, distort, or generalize certain things
that happened about you in the relationship or about the relationship in general or about
themselves in order to justify why they actually did what they did, why they had to break up
with you, why it was the only choice that they could do.
They may end up kind of twisting the truth a little bit in order to hold onto this idea
that they're a reasonable, decent person and they're not some sort of bad person that's
intentionally going out there and hurting people.
What happens is they might stretch the truth.
They might take one little thing that you did once that maybe was, let's just say not
the greatest, and they might expand it into the entire relationship.
Maybe you had one really bad argument and they say, "Oh, well all we ever do is fight."
Or maybe they said, "You never do this," even though you only let them down one time, or
something like that.
They may stretch the facts.
They may exaggerate certain things.
They may conveniently forget some of the nice things that happened between the two of you.
Very common.
What's happening here is your ex is creating an image of you in their mind of someone that's
worth breaking up with.
They're creating an image of you in their mind to tell themselves a story that like,
"Yeah, I had no choice but to break up with you.
I had no choice but to do this.
It was the only thing I could do.
I'm not a bad person.
I didn't have to do this.
I didn't need to do this.
I'm not a bad person.
I didn't want to do this, but I had to because the situation was so extreme."
Now, the problem is that your ex is interacting with you as if you are this bad person, as
if you are this negative person.
In reality, it's just an image that they're holding in their mind.
It's not who you genuinely are.
Now, sure, maybe you did some things to warrant the breakup.
Maybe you said some things that you shouldn't have said.
Maybe you didn't do some things that you should have done or whatever.
That's totally understandable, but your ex is holding onto this negative image of you.
If you're like most people that I work with, you probably made some changes, and you probably
have done some things to get your life in the right track and to get your emotions handled
and to get everything figured out so that your ex knows that they're not walking back
into the same relationship they walked out of.
But the problem is that they're still holding onto this negative image.
What happens is when the two of you interact with one another, they're basically not interacting
with the real you.
They're interacting with this image over here, so there's this a little bit of a disconnect.
There's the real you over here, and then there's this image over here.
When they're talking bad things about you that aren't true, it's because they're talking
about this image over here and not about the real you over here, especially if you made
some substantial and meaningful significant changes.
What you want to do is you want to continue to be this person over here, the person who
has made all of these changes, the person who is not the same person that their ex broke
up with and all of that.
What's going to happen is the more you interact with your ex, the more it's going to cause
them to doubt this negative image that they had to create of you in order to justify breaking
up.
What's going to happen is you're probably going to experience what we call positive
pullbacks, because when you interact with your ex, whether it's through text or meeting
up in person or over the phone or whatever and you're not that negative person that they
hold in their mind, they're going to say, "Hey, what's going on here?
I thought you were this person, but then when we got together, texted, talked, whatever,
I saw this person.
What's happening?
Is this just you on your best behavior?
Is this you using some sort of gimmick that you heard about online?
What's happening?"
They're not going to know which version is the real you.
Now, granted they probably like this version.
They probably like interacting with you.
They probably like the interactions that you're having when you're not the same person that
they broke up with, but they just don't trust it yet.
What's going to happen is after a positive interaction, they're going to pull back most
likely, and they're going to do this out of uncertainty, not knowing which one they should
put their faith in.
Just know that when you have these positive pullbacks, it's not necessarily a bad thing,
it's just that they're trying to make sense of their experience.
They're trying to make sense of which version of you is the real version of you, so it's
part of the process.
Just continue to show up with consistency, continue to show them that you're not the
person that they broke up with.
Continue to show up as this person, the new improved wonderful person who has fixed all
of the issues with the relationship, and continue to take away the power from this negative
image that they hold a view in their mind.
Every time you show up and you're not that negative image, you're going to put cracks
in it, and those cracks are going to start to grow and compound upon one another to the
point that that whole negative image starts to crumble and fall apart, okay?
That is the most important thing in these sorts of situations is to continue to show
up with consistency, to continue to show up and to really fuel this positive version of
you rather than the negative version of you, because every interaction you have with your
ex is either going to fuel the positive version or the negative version.
When you fuel the positive version, you're going to actually increase the velocity at
which you're moving towards actually getting back together and your ex building more trust
towards you.
When you unfortunately fuel the negative version, you're just going to slow yourself back.
You're going to have more setbacks, you're going to have more challenges along the way.
You have to choose which one you're going to fuel, which one you're going to invest
in, which one you're going to give your ex a reason to believe in.
That's why personal transformation.
That's why making some significant changes.
That's why giving your ex demonstrable proof that they are not walking back into the same
relationship that they walked out of is absolutely critical.
It's absolutely critical.
You can't just say some sort of magic text message and have everything be all better,
because you have to show them.
You have to demonstrate to them that they are not walking back into the same situation
that they walked out of in the first place.
Once they start to put their trust in it, once they start to believe it, once they start
to see it with their own eyes and really get it on a visceral level, that this isn't just
some sort of gimmick, this isn't just some sort of something that you learned on the
internet or something like that, they'll actually start to open up to you in a big way.
That's where rapid, rapid progress starts to happen.
So don't worry if your ex is saying bad things about you.
Don't worry if your ex is not being completely forthright about what happened or anything
like that.
It's just them interacting with that negative version of you in their mind.
It's them trying to tell themselves the story that they had no choice but to break up with
you, that they had no choice, that they're not a bad person, that basically hurting you,
leaving that relationship was the only option available to them.
Okay?
They don't want to think of themselves as a bad person.
So they need to tell themselves this story.
Your job is to take more and more and more power away from that story by showing up consistently,
in every single interaction you have with them, as somebody who is not that negative
version that they hold a view in their mind, because the more you do that with consistency,
over time, the more and more trust they will put into you as the person that they can connect
with, spend time with and be in a relationship with, and the less and less trust they'll
put in that negative image of you that they seem to be holding onto right now.
I hope that this has all helped you out.
I hope that this has given you a little bit of perspective about what's going on and,
more importantly, what you can do about it moving forward from here.
If you're new here, once again, think about subscribing to this channel.
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If you want to know more about what your ex is thinking, you may want to check out this
series over here that I put together on sort of the psychology of your ex, what's going
on in their mind, or you may want to check out this video over here.
But once again, my name is Clay with modernlove.life.
Thank you so much, and I'll talk to you next time.