Despite the news
about Brett Kavanaugh's sexual misconduct allegations,
and his history of drinking and partying,
he still has the support of 70% of Republicans,
which is surprising, considering Republicans traditionally
associate themselves with Christian values, you know?
It would be like Barney teaching you how to smoke meth.
For more on this, we turn to my good friend,
Neal Brennan, everybody.
(cheers and applause)
Neal, what do you make of this whole situation?
Uh, Trevor, as an atheist,
I'm about to say something that I thought I would never say.
Republicans, y'all need Jesus.
Wow.
Well, I... I, uh...
(cheers and applause)
I never thought you'd say that, either,
-because you don't believe in Jesus. -I know.
Like many atheists, I grew up Catholic.
(laughter)
I went through all the sacraments, baptism,
first communion, and, of course, molestation.
(audience reacts)
I'm kidding; I was never baptized.
(laughter)
And as an atheist, I used to think that Republicans
were too fixated on Jesus, but it turns out,
he was the only thing keeping them in check,
because now Republicans have dropped him completely,
and they're about as interested in morality
as Steve Bannon is in face cream.
Look at how they're defending Brett Kavanaugh.
It's-it's just a shame that a person like Judge Kavanaugh,
who has a stellar record, that somebody can bring something up
that he did when he was a teenager,
close to 40 years ago.
Uh, that's not relevant.
I mean, we're talking about a 15-year-old girl,
which I respect, you know.
I'm a woman, I respect.
And we're talking about a 17-year-old boy in high school
with testosterone running high.
Tell me what boy hasn't done this in high school.
Please. I would like to know.
But in the grand scheme of things, my goodness,
you-- there was no intercourse.
There was maybe a touch.
Can we-- really?
36 years later she's still stuck on that?
(audience reacts)
Republican women used to be a bunch of church ladies,
and now they're basically Lindsay Lohan's mom.
Instead of preaching chastity,
they're, like, hand stuff's okay.
It wasn't always like this.
Back when Republicans rolled with Jesus,
you guys were all about principles and values.
You impeached a president over it, remember?
You don't even have to be convicted of a crime
to lose your job in this constitutional republic
if this body determines that your conduct
as a public official is clearly out of bounds in your role.
Because impeachment is not about punishment.
Impeachment is about cleansing the office.
Impeachment is about restoring honor
and integrity to the office.
Cleansing the office?
If you're worried about that after Clinton,
you've got your work cut out for you after Trump, too.
Even if you got rid of Trump today,
cleansing the Oval Office will take years.
I mean, the self-tanner,
the Kentucky Fried Chicken grease...
And, you know, any time Eric goes to the bathroom,
he misses the bowl completely.
(laughter and applause)
Now, I'd ask Republicans,
"Hey, when did you guys and Jesus split up?"
But we all know the answer.
It started when that orange balloon animal
rode down that escalator,
and suddenly any behavior was acceptable.
To hold somebody accountable for something he did years ago
as our president today,
I-I think it sets a bad precedent.
It's not a big surprise that he is crude
and he's vulgar. We all knew that.
We knew he wasn't a Sunday school teacher.
If you don't like me working with President Trump
to make the world a better place, I don't give a shit.
(audience groans)
Oh, Lindsey, what has Trump done to you?
You went from honor and morality to "I don't give a..."
I-I don't even want to say that word.
I'm just so (bleep) disappointed.
(laughter)
And it's not just the politicians.
It's Republican voters, too.
They back Trump on paying off porn stars,
praising dictators.
They were even cool
with separating families at the border.
Is there a commandment I don't know about
that says, "Honor thy mother and father
unless they cometh from a shithole country"?
Republicans, y'all need Jesus.
Otherwise, don't be surprised when you get to the Pearly Gates
and Saint Peter is like, "Uh, sorry, buddy.
You got to get on that down escalator."
God bless you, Neal.