- I go to McDonald's, I'm at the drive through, right?
I want a Big Mac meal.
I haven't had a Big Mac in the longest time.
I'm so excited for this fucking Big Mac.
Oh my God, I can't wait to get this Big Mac.
I get the Big Mac.
I'm so excited, I pull over in the McDonald's parking lot,
I started fucking the Big Mac up.
Smashing it all over my face. Everything.
I'm happy as hell.
I turned to my left,
there's a woman outside the window taping me.
She said, "Got your ass."
I got nervous.
What the fuck is you doing lady?
She said, "Mm mm, but I got your ass."
What the fuck you mean, got my ass?
What am I doing?
I'm so nervous, I dropped the burger.
I just dropped the fucking burger.
I grabbed my phone.
I went to Twitter.
I issued an apology via social media.
I said, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"
The reason why I apologized is
because two days earlier I announced
that I was going plant-based full time.
I just said it.
This video is detrimental to everything
that I stood for at the moment.
Had to issue an apology to the plant-based community.
Became an ally, made a donation,
was a part of protest.
I had to do what I could.
Stood by the side of cows, took pictures.
It was a lot.
I don't like what you guys have made me become, man.
I don't like it.
I'm no longer comfortable.
You switched it on me.
Fuck, you switched it on me, man.
For the longest time,
celebrities looked at people as the weird people.
Them mother fuckers get weird sometimes, man.
People get weird.
That's how we looked at people.
You switched it.
We're the weird people now!
You look at us like, "What the fuck is wrong with him?"
We're the weird people.
I don't know how to fucking act in public.
Hey man, why you staring?
What's going on, man?
I'm thinking everybody knows, I'm looking,
man, get your hands out your pocket.
What's happening man? Come on.
Fuck you about to do me, man?
You about to eat me, ain't you?
Come on man.
What the fuck are you talking about Kevin?
Ain't anybody worried about your ass.
Bullshit.
Look at that guys lookin' at me
in his God damn glasses, man.
I know somebody thinks I'm dinner when I see it.
They going, they trying to eat me up in here.
- My mom made a fake Twitter account
to defend me from trolls.
Aw, it's always aw, when it's not your mom.
You ever realize that?
From someone else's mom, aw.
When it's your mom, you're like, "Fuck you!"
So she made this fake Twitter account to defend me
online like a couple years ago, okay?
The username was Joe Smith 1355, right?
That's very smart.
That is not her name.
But she's a mom, right?
And she doesn't know how Twitter works.
So the username might have been Joe Smith 1355,
but the profile name was Amy Davidson.
Icing on top, profile picture also Amy Davidson.
So I'm reading hate tweets one night
while I masturbate to make myself stronger.
And I was scrolling through,
and I see this one account defending me left and right.
Now, back in the day when you used Twitter on Safari,
you didn't see the profile name or the picture.
You just saw the username.
So I'm reading all these tweets
and people were being very mean.
But Joe Smith 1355 defending me left and right.
Was reading all these nice tweets about me.
Joe Smith 1355.
It was to the point I was like, this is why I do this.
Thank you Joe Smith 1355.
You know?
And then I was reading all these tweets,
and then there was one tweet that was too specific.
And I literally said out loud, "This is my mom."
Which is a weird thing to say mid jerk.
And then have to finish after that.
Like after this, I'm gonna call her.
I knew right away, this was the tweet,
the hate tweet was, "Pete Davidson is gay."
Joe Smith 1355 writes, "Actually he's not,
he may have thought he was gay as a child,
because of Leonardo DiCaprio.
Take a nap, hater."
I call my mom, I go, "Joe Smith
1355!"
She goes, "What gave it away?"
I go, "Your profile name and picture are of you."
And she goes, "Ah, Terry!"
Which means my mom made a Twitter account
with her 79-year-old female friend Terry.
And Terry was calling the shots.
- Not to get off on a fucking tangent, dude,
this is not even related.
But you know what?
I got so much shit from the Asian community man,
for the first "Hangover."
That was controversial at that time, like 10 years ago.
Because seriously, I had fucking Asian haters, dude.
Dude, Asian haters on the internet.
They're the fucking worst, dude.
White trolls are bad, but Asian trolls,
they're the stickiest, dude.
No, no, for real, this is a real comment.
I'm not making this up.
This is a real comment from someone on Reddit,
and it's still up there, all right?
You can look it up.
"Ken, If I ever see you in public,
I will choke you within a few seconds
from death with my bare hands.
Fuck you, you piece of shit,
do anything for a dollar whore."
And that was my mom, all right?
I tell you, these fucking Asian haters, man,
they hate themselves, dude.
They fucking hated the fact I had a thick accent
and I had a small penis.
Dude, I was born with that shit.
That's not a stereotype.
That's fucking real to me.
How are they mad?
And they want me to apologize for that.
My real, what do I say?
Me so sorry.
I don't know what to say.
My God, dude, I get so much shit from "The Hangover."
I did a lot of social justice in "The Hangover."
I was a social justice warrior in that shit.
- Think about that.
I jumped out of a trunk
and beat up the white man three times, all right?
- I was on Twitter and I saw a picture of this guy,
and he was retiring from the military,
and when he retired, he posted a picture of himself,
full military uniform, all of his medals.
But he was wearing a furry mask,
like a sexual dog mask.
- And he posted it, he said,
"Now that I'm retiring from the military, I can come out
and say I've been into pup play this entire time."
And he tweeted, he said, "Officer Bow Wow out."
And it said like, hashtag service dog.
It was rough.
For real that was an accident.
But he tweeted it.
So of course Russia and China's Twitter,
they got ahold of it.
They started talking shit, you know?
They were like, "Look at our military."
It was much like jacked skinhead dudes.
They're like, "Look at America's military."
It was like transgender people, the dog general.
And they were making fun of us.
They were making memes.
They were like, "Look how tough
and masculine our army is.
Look how weak and gay America is."
But I was looking at the pictures,
and I was like, "Dog general's.
the scariest soldier I've ever..."
I never imagined in my, dude just some sexual freak
operating drones that thinks he's a fucking dog.
Just (imitates dog barking).
You know how fucking scary that guy is.
Deleting villages.
That guy's terrifying.
The gayer the army that scarier.
Forever dude, throughout history.
Think of any army throughout history.
Imagine 'em gay.
- Gay Nazis.
Just when you thought those guys
couldn't look any sharper, they...
- You know, as a comedian, you get a lot of feedback online.
Sometimes people are nice,
but other times they're like,
instead of doing comedy,
I wish you were made of bees.
You know, or whatever it is.
This is one of the meanest comments I've gotten.
"Jesus Christ, you're perhaps the ugliest
human on the planet.
But then again, I haven't left the planet."
Again, I enjoy this one,
because there's an introspective shift.
Where he's like, you're ugly,
but then what have I done with my life?
And I do love a troll that's not afraid to self-reflect.
This next one is an Instagram comment
that continues to haunt me.
I still have no answers.
She just writes, "That's so true, Doug."
Who's Doug?
Who is Doug, Carol?
We need answers and we're never gonna get them.
- Well, I actually have a poem for you.
Okay?
It's a YouTube comment on one of my
standup videos that I memorized.
It goes, "Woman, literally only funny went on testosterone
and pretending to be a man.
Well, that didn't work for Hannah Dykespy,
but China Boy here, actually really funny.
Great job, They."
Who's uniting the country now bitch!
- I try to put out positivity.
So when it comes back to me, it means so much.
I try not to focus on negative stuff.
I try to surround myself with positive things.
I try not to read negative comments.
But in a job like mine, you do hear from a lot of people,
and I don't see everything,
but occasionally a turd will get through.
And I happen to see this message on that day
that was sent to me directly,
and I wanted to read that message to you guys,
if that's okay?
- [Audience Member] Yes!
- Yes!
All right.
It's from a guy named Gary,
and I will preface it with,
you are not going to like this message,
but we are going to unpack it together.
So here is what Gary wrote to me on the day
it was announced that I got married.
He said, "How long have you and your wife been mentally ill,
taco licking lesbians, who should be put in Alcatraz?"
I was like, "Wow, that is very specific."
There was no grammar in that message by the way.
He was like, mentally ill taco-licking.
I'm like, I think he means mentally ill
comma taco hyphen.
You guys get it.
Already, I'm doing him favors.
And I guess I was bored on this particular day,
because I was like, I just gotta see
what this person looks like.
Who sends a message like this to a complete stranger?
So I went on his page
and he did not have a picture of himself.
It was a picture of an American flag
and written across of it, it said,
"We need God in America again."
That is what Gary leads with on Instagram.
And then that was the message that he sent me.
And I was like, "I don't know that God
would be into the phrase taco-licking."
Call me crazy, which he did.
But that did not sound very Christlike to me.
By the way, there is nowhere in the Bible where it says
what you can or cannot do with your Mexican food.
Just so you know.
- I'm a proud Puerto Rican.
And you know, so when I tweet, I tweet from the point
of view of a Puerto Rican person and people get mad.
Unfortunately, people get upset at that,
that you know, white people,
they always get mad.
They just, you know, how could you say that?
Because the problem is, is like, you know,
you can't get away with jokes like that anymore
if you're white on social media.
They, no, you have to, you have to reflect.
You're a bad person, Chris.
You've done things, you're bad.
So, but I don't feel that way, you know?
Like I said, I'm a proud Latino,
and...
I said, look, I tweeted, I said, listen,
I said, "If I was President Joe Biden,
the first thing I would've did
is made AOC the head of the CIA,
because nobody looks through phones like Latina women."
That's what I said.
And then this guy, Ryan, this dumb white piece of shit,
Ryan, you know, this guy started tweeting at me.
He was like, "You are a racist.
How could you say that?"
I'm like, "Say what? The truth."
I mean,
why would you have old white men
in the CIA at this point?
I mean, seriously, if you really cared
about national security, you would have the CIA
be made up 100% of Latina women.
And then you get them into relationships
with suspected terrorists.
Let me tell you something, okay?
Those terrorists would get away with zero.
Okay.
Zero, zero, zero.
It's not gonna happen, Papi.
Trust me, I know. Okay?
She has microphones in my shoelaces right now.
She says she's not here,
but I smell the adobo and makes me nervous,
and then my psoriasis flares up.
I'm getting very itchy.
- Do you remember when they announced the live action
"Beauty and the Beast?"
And they said in the live action "Beauty and the Beast,"
there was gonna be a gay character.
Ooh, the right wing fundamentalist Christians weren't happy.
They were like, you can have that in a Disney movie.
A man loving another man.
It's not natural.
Not natural.
That film is about a woman fucking a wildebeest.
Yeah, I mean, to be fair,
I don't think I've taken that directly
from the Disney Plus description.
That's got to stop, hasn't it?
Grown adults getting wound up about cartoons?
It just happened with "The Little Mermaid."
Live action "Little Mermaid."
They announced the actress playing Ariel is mixed race.
Oh, racist Twitter wasn't happy.
You can't have that.
You can't have a mixed race Ariel.
She's a mermaid.
She is the most mixed race character that has ever been
conceived from the waist down she's mixed grill.
It wasn't even the worst.
The worst was a tweet.
It had thousands of retweets,
some racist troll that was trying to play the science card.
How desperately sad are you that you are trying
to bring science into this discussion?
He was like, "It's not even scientifically possible, right?
'Cause how would enough sunlight get down to the bottom
of the ocean for the Little Mermaid skin
to produce the melanin?"
Ooh, I don't know, why don't we ask the talking crab?
Do you wanna have a word with him?
Although, I don't think you two are gonna get along,
because he appears to be a Rastafarian.
It's make believe.
Who fucking cares?
With that said, I guess the only thing they
should have updated is the ending, right?
If Ariel is gonna be mixed race,
it probably can't be happily ever after.
If Ariel is mixed race,
she's probably got to marry the Prince,
and then get harangued by the British press,
and run away to do a Netflix documentary.