Welcome to The Daily Show.
I'm Desi Lydic.
We've got so much good news for you tonight.
Women's sports are now the best sports.
Michael Kosta tries to get out of a speeding ticket.
And Donald Trump has found an entirely new way to lose money.
So let's get into the headlines.
[APPLAUSE]
Let's kick things off with some news from the business world.
Last week, Donald Trump's social media
platform Truth Social went public
with a value of $8 billion.
Which seemed like a lot for a website
whose business model is, what if Twitter was just Nazis?
And guess what, turns out it was.
NARRATOR: Tonight's stock in Donald Trump's media company
tanking after Trump's social media
platform Truth Social reported losing $58 million last year.
The company was valued at nearly $10 billion
after it went public last week as Trump supporters
rushed to scoop up shares.
Truth Social is doing very well.
It's hot as a pistol and doing great.
NARRATOR: But today, that rude awakening, the revelation
of last year's losses sent the stock plunging more than 20%
and the value of Trump's own stake
losing more than $1 billion.
[APPLAUSE]
Yeah, Trump, you lost $1 billion yesterday.
Now you're only worth $6 billion, you broke bitch.
We got him, finally.
Now, there's a bit of a disagreement over why
the stock dropped so much.
Analysts say it's because of huge losses in limited market
upside, while Trump advisors argue
it's because of woke, gay, trans, DEI,
Hunter Biden's laptop.
So who's to say?
At this point it just seems like Trump
is trying to be in every section of the newspaper.
Finance, politics, style, city crime.
It's only a matter of time until he
drops a theater review.
Just saw wicked, total witchhunt.
Let's move on to the fight.
Yeah, you can clap for that.
Yes.
[APPLAUSE]
Ah, Trump.
Let's move on to the fight over abortion rights, where today,
Florida handed us a mixed bag.
Now to Florida where the state
Supreme Court just issued two major rulings
on abortion rights.
Two major decisions.
The Florida state Supreme Court has now cleared the way
for one of the strictest abortion bans in the nation
to go into effect.
It bans abortion at just six weeks into pregnancy,
but at the same time, that same state
Supreme Court also allowing this issue to be
on the ballot in November.
Allowing Florida voters to decide whether they want
to protect access to abortion up
until viability, which is considered to be around 24
weeks into pregnancy.
Florida, what is going on here?
You're restricting abortion, but you're
also putting it on the ballot?
Pick a lane.
These are some crazy mood swings.
You better hope you're not pregnant.
Look, a six week abortion ban is obviously a terrible setback
for women's rights.
But there is a small glimmer of hope
and that the voters also have a chance
to legalize abortion again.
Which is good news.
And also depressing to be celebrating that as good news.
But in this climate, I guess that's where
we're at right now.
I don't know whether I'm happy or not.
I feel like Ron DeSantis' face.
[APPLAUSE]
But hey, at least abortion is on the ballot.
Finally the people of Florida will
be able to choose something besides community
service or jail time and--
that is something.
That is something.
Let's move on to sports.
We're in the final stretch of March Madness.
That special time of year that turns
every office into an underground gambling ring.
And last night, all eyes were on a rematch
between two of the biggest stars in the tournament.
In GOAT fashion, Caitlin Clark
led Iowa over defending champion, LSU, in a rematch
of last year's final.
For anyone who questioned her greatness,
Caitlin Clark had the answer.
41 points, nine 3s, 12 assists, a record breaking masterpiece
that lived up to the hype of a rematch
in an epic battle of greats.
Clark steps back.
Fires.
You bet!
Gold mine from Schenectady.
She's simply ridiculous.
She's possessed.
This poor announcer.
Caitlin Clark hits so many big shots that the guy was clearly
running out of things to say.
She's ridiculous.
She's possessed.
She's a witch drowner.
I don't know.
But honestly, honestly, what an awesome rivalry.
Caitlin Clark and Angel Reese, two fierce competitors
playing their hearts out, captivating the nation
while they're still in college.
My biggest accomplishment in college
was getting a single dorm because of my IBS.
[LAUGHTER]
Hey, if there was a sock on the door,
it was an especially bad night.
Point is, it feels like women's basketball is having
a moment this year and you can tell
by how much the media can't stop talking about how
they're talking about it.
What a great thing for women's sports that we care.
We're talking about it tonight on CNN
because people are caring.
And ultimately that is good.
We care.
The fact that we're talking about women's basketball and
any women's sports in general.
I mean, this is really great.
I freaking love it.
It's really great.
I have done this for 32 years.
I've never once spent five minutes of any show I've
ever done anywhere talking about a great women's game
last night.
At any level.
OK, that might say more about you, but we'll take the win.
We'll take it.
That's right, people are excited about women's
basketball right now.
They're discovering it like it's the first time
your mom tried sushi.
Oh my god, have you heard about this?
Spread the word.
But everyone is raving.
Everyone.
Even Shaquille O'Neal said women's basketball this year
is a better game than men's basketball.
[APPLAUSE]
Yeah.
Yeah, he's like the most famous men's basketball player.
That's like Chef Boyardee telling you
he only eats SpaghettiOs now.
SpaghettiOs, the official food of clinical depression.
[APPLAUSE]
SpaghettiOs, want to hurt an Italian person's feelings?
Try spaghettiOs.
One more.
SpaghettiOs, you don't have to love your kids.
[APPLAUSE]
Anyway, think about how far women's basketball has come.
10 years ago, if you went to a bar on a Monday
night to watch women's basketball
it was because you were an alcoholic.
But today, if you're at a bar on a Monday night,
it's because you're an alcoholic who also wants
to watch women's basketball.
[APPLAUSE]
That is progress.
So this has been a hugely successful college
tournament for the women.
Even despite some obstacles.
In the women's tournament controversy is brewing after
four games were played on a court in Portland Oregon where
the 3-point line was about six inches closer
to the hoop on one side.
The error was discovered before North Carolina played
Texas in the Elite Eight.
Both teams coaches decided to go ahead with the game
to not delay the tournament.
OK, I really relate to this as a woman.
It is so classic for someone else to [BLEEP] up
and we're like, oh, the line is messed up?
It's fine.
We'll just go ahead and play four games.
You can fix it later.
Or not, whatever.
I'm sorry.
[APPLAUSE]
But what exactly happened with the 3-point line?
To get more on this, we go live to Josh Johnson at the arena.
[APPLAUSE]
Josh, what happened down there?
The line was several inches too short.
That's a, that's a huge error.
Well, Desi, I talked to the director of court maintenance,
who made the mistake, as well as several other men who
were just around and we all--
we all agree that your length being
a few inches shorter than everyone was expecting
is no big deal.
[LAUGHTER]
No story here.
Back to you.
[APPLAUSE]
Wait, wait, wait, that's not true.
Having the line be that short makes an enormous difference.
Enormous is a little mean.
Plus, it's not about the length of the line,
it's about how you play the game, OK?
And I think we can all agree, it was a pretty good game.
You know?
It was good for me, I enjoyed it.
And as far as the difference, the women didn't even notice,
all right?
Josh, even if the women said they didn't notice.
Trust me, they always notice.
[APPLAUSE]
OK, but let's give this line guy a break,
because when I talk to him, he swore this
had never happened before.
OK?
And we don't even know why it was too short.
Maybe it was his first time.
OK?
Maybe he had been drinking.
All right?
Maybe the arena was cold.
So how does being cold make a difference?
It just does.
OK?
Wow.
You seem pretty worked up about this.
Why don't we move past the length of the line?
Thank you.
Let's talk about the curve, because the curve was weird.
All right, Desi, Desi, I'm out.
This is why I only play basketball by myself.
OK?
Josh.
Come on.
What did I say?
Josh Johnson, everybody.