(upbeat instrumental music)
- It's almost summer.
You know, that time of the year when you rediscover
all the places on your body
that you apparently sweat out of.
But for President Joe Biden,
there's been one thing in particular
that he's been looking forward to more than anything.
- Our goal by July 4th is to have 70% of adult Americans
with at least one shot.
By July the 4th, there's a good chance you,
your families and friends will be able to get together
in your backyard or in your neighborhood
and have a cookout or a barbecue
and celebrate Independence Day.
We can celebrate our independence from the virus
together on the 4th of July
as we celebrate our independence as a nation.
We can look forward to a 4th of July
that feels a bit more normal.
The 4th of July.
July 4th. A more normal July 4th.
The 4th of July.
We can have a safe, happy 4th of July.
- Okay. Damn, we get it.
I feel like Joe Biden booked a party house for July 4th
and just learned it isn't refundable.
But yes, Biden hasn't been this excited
about an Independence Day since the first one.
But as much as he'd like America to get vaccinated
so that we can all be as safe as possible
when we blow our fingers off with M-80s,
it's looking more and more like the numbers
just aren't on his side.
- Well, there's some disappointing new numbers out
that show the U.S. may actually fall short
of President Biden's goal
of having at least 70% of American adults
with at least one shot by July 4th.
Nearly 300 million vaccine doses have been administered
across the U.S., but vaccination rates have fallen
really sharply since their high in April.
- [Reporter] Less than 1 million doses of the vaccine
are being administered a day.
According to the CDC, that is down about 70%
from the peak in April
when the country was averaging about 3.3 million a day.
The slowdown could put the president's
July 4th goal in jeopardy,
the deadline he set for 70% of adults
to be at least partially vaccinated.
Right now, about 63% have gotten at least one dose.
- Ooh, this is gonna be close.
And honestly, I'm a little worried about how Joe Biden
is gonna handle this.
'Cause if this comes down to the wire,
he's gonna get desperate.
Dude's gonna be loading up the fireworks
with Moderna needles.
(fireworks screeching) (fireworks popping)
Oh! Wow, that's...
Ah! Ah! Ah!
- So, it's not clear if we'll reach that 70% goal,
but what's clear is that vaccinations have plummeted,
which is especially crazy when you consider
that unvaccinated people are being given every incentive
to get their shot.
- [Newscaster] Vaccine initiatives rolling out
across the country.
Up for grabs?
Everything from a million dollars to cars,
to free beer, and even concert tickets.
- [Journalist] The president unveiling new incentives
like free childcare while parents get the vaccine
or recover from it,
and touting a blitz of new rewards,
like free sporting tickets,
and if the country reaches the president's goal,
free beer from Anheuser-Busch.
- Get a shot and have a beer.
Free beer for everyone 21 years or over
to celebrate the independence from the virus.
- [News Anchor] States and cities are loading on
the incentives too.
The Talladega Superspeedway:
A special promotion would let you drive your car
around the track after you get a shot.
- [Reporter] In West Virginia, the governor is raffling off
cash, trucks, and even firearms
to those who get the shot.
- We're gonna give five custom hunting rifles
and five custom hunting shotguns away.
- Okay, is it just me or are the incentives
getting more and more dangerous?
We'll give you free alcohol.
We'll let you speed around a racetrack.
Hell, we'll even throw in some guns!
Like, I mean, at some point, these incentives
are gonna start killing more people
than the vaccine is saving.
And look, there's a reason that these prizes are guns
and trucks and not Notorious RBG T-shirts, right?
It's the red states, especially in the South,
whose vaccine numbers are holding the whole country back.
And the redder the state,
the fewer people who have been vaccinated.
In Mississippi, it's only 44%;
in Alabama, it's 46%.
Basically, any state where an electric car
is considered gay, they're not messing with the vaccine.
Now, there are a lot of reasons why Republicans
might be more hesitant to get vaccinated.
I mean, maybe they're worried that the microchip
in the vaccine will set off the metal detector
the next time they stormed the Capitol.
Who knows?
But it's definitely not helping
when their political leaders are doing shit like this.
- [Newscaster] With ships already out at sea,
one cruise line announced a surprise shift in policy
for its U.S. passengers.
Royal Caribbean International now says vaccines
will be strongly recommended, but ultimately optional
for guests on its U.S. cruises.
It comes as Florida, the nation's largest cruise hub,
is set to enact a law that would ban cruise lines
and other businesses from asking people
to show proof of vaccination
or face fines up to $5,000 per passenger.
- You heard that right.
Florida isn't allowing cruise lines
to make passengers get vaccinated before they cruise.
They can only recommend it to the passengers.
And let me tell you something,
a recommendation means nothing to a cruise ship passenger.
I mean, doctors also recommend
that you don't eat seven pounds of shrimp in one sitting,
and yet, cruise ship passengers ignore that one
every single day.
Because you see, cruise ship passengers are not there
to follow recommendations.
They're there to relax, eat, get a sunburn,
and maybe push their spouse off the ship
without any legal repercussions.
I mean, this law is just madness.
I get that people don't want vaccines
to be required everywhere they go,
but there have to be some places
that we can all agree need vaccine requirements.
And those places should be any location
where your pee and poop stay on board long as you do.
I will say, though, there is a massive loophole here
for all the cruise lines.
And if you own a cruise line,
I want you to listen to me right now.
Once you're in the middle of the ocean,
Florida laws don't mean shit anymore, yeah.
So these cruise ships, they should just get
to international waters and then be like,
"All right, who's vaccinated and who's swimming home?"
But thanks in part to dumb laws like this
and all the people who don't want to get vaccinated,
it looks like America could fall just short
of hitting that 70% benchmark by July 4th.
But if you think about it though,
there's nothing special about 70%.
I mean, it's just an arbitrary number
that President Biden chose for that date.
So maybe all we need is a goal
that's slightly more achievable and little more fun.
- When the COVID-19 vaccine became available,
the president set a goal.
- To get 70% of adults vaccinated by July 4th.
- Sadly, it doesn't look like we're going to make it.
- Which is why America needs a new, more realistic goal.
- 69%. - 69%.
- 69%.
- We can get this country to 69,
if we're just willing to come together.
- To come together.
- Remember, when you get vaccinated,
you're not just doing it for you.
- You're doing it for other people too.
- That's why getting to 69 makes everyone feel good.
- Even if the mechanics of making it work
are a little tough to pull off.
- We can do this America.
- The way to end this crisis is right there
just dangling in front of your face.
- Because if we can get America to 69,
it won't just be great; it'll be nice.
- It'll be nice.
- Nice.
- And 69 isn't just a random number.
- It's also a sex act where participants put their mouths
on each other's genitals.
- [Roy] 69 the 4th.
- [Michael] Turn the pandemic upside down.
- [Desi] 69.
(upbeat instrumental music)
- Ever since the virus first emerged from Wuhan, China,
scientists have been trying to figure out
how it made the jump to humans.
Did humans encounter infected animals in the wild?
Did the virus get into the food chain somehow?
Did someone mix all the flavors
at the McDonald's soda machine again?
And now, one possible origin is getting renewed attention.
- A federal research facility concluded
that COVID-19 could have originated from a Chinese lab.
That conclusion was made in May of last year.
"The Wall Street Journal" reports
the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory in California
found that it is plausible
that the virus leaked from a lab in Wuhan.
The study says the theory deserved further investigation.
The State Department had access to this report
when it conducted its own investigation of the origin
during the final months of the Trump administration.
President Biden recently ordered intelligence agencies
to revisit the possibility.
China denies the virus escaped from a lab.
- Look, nobody knows where this virus came from,
and maybe we never will.
But if you ask me, of course it's possible
that it accidentally escaped from a lab.
I mean, I've read comic books.
That's how it always happens.
And people are crazy for thinking this, right?
You have a lab that does work on coronaviruses
in the same city where the coronavirus started spreading.
I mean, they wouldn't even do this in an episode of "CSI."
It would be too obvious.
Before the first commercial break,
David Caruso would point to the lab and be like,
"I think they're about to go viral."
Wow! Bow bow...
And you have to admit, it only makes it more suspicious
that China wasn't very cooperative
when the WHO tried to investigate.
It's never a good look when a government starts acting
like a parent whose kid gets too close
to the sex toy drawer.
Ah-ah, ah-ah. Ha ha, nothing to see their, buddy.
It's just mommy and daddy's rubber paperweights, yeah.
How about we find you some Legos?
Let's go, let's go find some Legos.
Get (beep) out of here. Let's go find you some Legos.
Now, I also know that the lab leak theory
has some baggage attached to it
because it's gotten all tied up with conspiracy theories
that China released it on purpose.
And also, it's been tied up in the fact
that there've been racist attacks against Asians
around the world.
But the fact is a lot of scientists, and even the WHO,
are saying that it's at least worth exploring
whether this virus actually leaked from a lab in Wuhan.
And I agree.
I mean, if we're going to get the origin story
for Cruella de Vil,
we should definitely get it for coronavirus too.
And you know, honestly, if I was China,
I wouldn't try to deny it.
I would own that shit, even if I didn't do it.
Yeah, that was us.
And we got a lot more of that COVID-19 too,
so how about we drop those tariffs now?
And we also want the next season of "Mrs. Maisel"
to take place in China.
You better make it happen.
(upbeat instrumental music)
Thanks to America's successful vaccine campaign,
millions of Americans are finally getting back
to doing the things they used to do before the pandemic,
like going out to restaurants, seeing friends,
and then shit-talking those friends
to another group of friends.
Yeah. I know what you said about me, Mary.
People talk.
But apparently, a lot of people aren't quite ready
to be part of society again.
And we'll tell you why in another edition
of Return to Normal-ish.
(cheerful instrumental music)
Of all the things people are looking forward
to going back to, one of the biggest is live sports.
The roar of the crowd, the sounds of the game,
the smell of the armpits of the guy sitting next to you.
(inhales) Ah! You don't get that at home.
Unfortunately, a lot of fans seem to have forgotten
that they're only paying to watch the athletes,
not to commit their own personal fouls.
- [News Anchor] The return of packed arenas
and other venues is an image worth celebrating.
But it appears some fans have forgotten how to act.
The latest edition of people behaving badly
occurred during game four of the 76ers versus the Wizards
with a fan rushing the floor.
- You can tell those people who have been in
some kind of captivity for the past year, year and change.
- [News Anchor] It follows a string of other ugly incidents
during the NBA playoffs.
Popcorn dumped on the Wizards' Russell Westbrook,
a New York Knicks fan spitting
on the Atlanta Hawks' Trae Young,
and a water bottle thrown at Nets star Kyrie Irving.
- Chaos erupts at last night's USA-Mexico soccer match
at Denver's Mile High stadium.
A bottle thrown at young American star Gio Reyna's head.
Later, a fan was also tackled by stadium security
after he ran into the pitch
- Goddamn, sports fans are going crazy.
They're spitting on the players.
They're throwing things at them.
And don't even get me started on that crazy fan
who got into a fight with Floyd Mayweather.
If this keeps up,
the stadium employees are gonna have to start using
the T-shirt cannon as an actual weapon.
And you know the situation is bad
when fans are throwing popcorn and bottles
because, people, at an NBA game
that's like 80 bucks worth of concessions.
Like, I'm sure as hell not throwing my snacks.
I took out a loan to buy that popcorn.
I worked too hard.
Of course, a lot of getting back to normal
is just doing everyday stuff again,
you know, like actually shopping inside a store,
because during the pandemic a lot of people
simply ordered things online, ordered curbside pickup,
or just pointed a huge magnet at a store
and hoped something metal flew out.
But apparently, a lot of people could use a refresher course
on how to behave at the mall.
- Clothing retailers are looking to take action
against unruly and abusive customers.
A dozen retailers, including Gap and H&M,
they're collaborating on a campaign this fall
to enlist customers to combat that behavior
against retail workers.
The campaign comes as workers face increased harassment
as they try to enforce social distancing and mask protocols
during the pandemic.
Organizers say the campaign is not asking customers
to physically step in to stop altercations.
They're not asking that.
But rather to help deescalate the situation
and show support for workers.
- Wait. So the Gap wants customers
to deescalate fights at their stores,
but not physically, just show support for the workers.
So, how does this work?
We're just supposed to be forming a cheer circle
around the fight?
You can do this, Rhonda.
Don't get punched. Bob and weave, girl.
But more importantly, why the hell are people harassing
and abusing store employees to begin with, huh?
People in stores deserve respect.
They work long hours.
They help you find what you need.
And on top of all of that, they tell you
that you can pull off that jumpsuit,
which is why you pull off that jumpsuit,
because it's all about confidence.
But it seems like right now, some of the biggest failures
at returning to society are happening on airplanes.
After a year of staying at home,
you would think that people would be happy
to just get on a plane, eat their pretzels,
and take the world's most painful nap.
But instead, people are turning airplanes
into their own personal rage rooms.
- [Journalist] With air travel on the rise nationwide,
so to have violent incidents,
both in the airport and in mid air.
- Assault on flight attendants are skyrocketing.
They say they'd been pushed, punched, slapped,
even choked by unruly passengers.
The FAA usually handles 150 incidents
of unruly passengers in a year.
So far this year, there've been 2,500 cases.
American Airlines is holding off
on bringing full alcohol service
back on their planes for some.
The company is extending that suspension
until at least September 13th,
after incidents involving unruly passengers
on other airlines.
The airline still is going to allow alcohol sales
for first class and for business class cabins.
- I'm sorry. First class gets booze, but economy doesn't?
And they think that's gonna end the violence.
Did no one at American Airlines see "Snowpiercer"?
If they really want to stop fights,
they shouldn't get rid of alcohol.
They should make you drink until you pass out
for the rest of the flight.
Yeah. You either get zero shots or 14.
There's no in-between.
But the real issue is that people are getting
into fights on airplanes.
Guys, this is the last place in the world
that you should be fighting.
And given how tight space is in economy,
I'm even surprised that it's possible.
Do you know how much effort you have to put
into actually throwing a punch in coach on a plane?
What did you say to me? What...
Man, I'm gonna kick your ass.
Excuse me, excuse me. Can I...
Excuse me. Can I just...
Man, I...
Excuse me. Can I...
Man, you know what?
When we land and you get up and I get up
and we got the bags and we...
Man, I'ma kick your ass!
Excuse me. Let me just get back.
Excuse me, excuse me. Excuse me.
Although the truth is, some people are just assholes
who want to fight.
And let's be honest, you're never gonna get rid of them.
So maybe, just maybe, the better solution
is to just find a way to put them all in the same place.
- [Announcer] Do you wanna travel
and take out your pent up pandemic aggression
on customer service employees?
Hell yeah, you do!
But society won't let you punch a flight attendant.
Until now!
Introducing Throwdown Air,
the only airline with no rules on your behavior.
Or ours.
Our flight attendants are trained in MMA,
hopped up on junk meth, and ready to (beep) you up.
- Can I interest you in some peanuts, crackers, or cookies?
Then come an get 'em, fat boy.
- [Announcer] Other airlines don't want you
to bring weapons onboard.
At Throwdown Air, you have to!
And if you knock out the pilot, then congrats.
You're the new pilot.
Either way, once we're in the air
we're not until everyone on board is bleeding out.
- On other airlines, the flight attendants would tell me
to put my face mask on.
But at Throwdown Air, they just shoved one down my throat
and body slammed me into the beverage cart.
Thanks, Throwdown Air.
- [Announcer] So, if your, an who assaults people
doing their jobs,
then fly the airline for people just like you.
(airplane whooshing)
Throwdown Air, once the wheels are up, the shit goes down.
(upbeat instrumental music)