>>> IF YOU'RE FEELING BURNT OUT,
OVERWHELMED, SPREAD TOO THIN,
KNOW YOU ARE NOT ALONE
>> FROM WORKING FULL-TIME TO
RAISING KIDS AND CARING FOR
AGING PARENTS, A LOT OF WOMEN
ARE FEELING THE PRESSURE.
>> AND THE WOMAN WHO KNOWS THAT
REALLY WELL AT 58, VALERIE
BERTINELLI FOCUSING ON HERSELF.
>> VALERIE SHARED HER STORY LAST
WEEK AND MANY TOLD US THEY
RELATE.
>> WHEN YOU'RE BUSY TAKING CARE
OF OTHER PEOPLE YOU FORGET TO
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
>> IT'S AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE
FROM VALERIE BERTINELLI.
TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD SHE IS A
CHEF, ACTRESS, AND MOM.
>> WHEN PEOPLE TURN THE TV OFF,
AND I GO HOME, THE SADNESS WELLS
UP AGAIN.
I USE FOOD AS A WAY TO NOT FEEL
THE SADNESS.
>> THESE PAST FEW YEARS HAVE
BEEN CHALLENGING FOR VALERIE.
HER FATHER PASSED AWAY IN 2016.
SHE STEPPED IN TO CARE FOR HER
MOTHER WHOM SHE LOST IN JUNE.
>> THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE, I
CAN THINK OF A HANDFUL OF FAMILY
MEMBERS I HAVE WHO HAVE BEEN
CARING FOR PARENTS, WHO HAVE
BEEN CARING FOR KIDS, AND
THEY'RE HERE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT DO YOU HOPE TO DO THIS
YEAR?
>> REALLY FIND A TRUE PATH OF
WHAT IT FEELS TO REALLY TRULY BE
HAPPY, NOT JUST CHOOSE HAPPY
LIKE IN THE MORNING I CHOOSE
HAPPY.
I WILL BE HAPPY, IT'S A
BEAUTIFUL DAY, I'M GRATEFUL, ALL
THAT STUFF.
TO REALLY WAKE UP AND GO, MY
GOSH, IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY.
>> DO YOU REMEMBER THE LAST TIME
YOU FELT THAT?
>> I THINK I -- PROBABLY WHEN I
HAD MY SON 28 YEARS AGO, THAT
WAS THE MOST JOY I EVER FELT IN
MY ENTIRE LIFE AND ANY TIME I AM
WITH HIM.
I WANT TO LOOK AT MYSELF THE WAY
MY SON LOOKED AT ME WITH THAT
PURE LOVE.
>> MANY OF OUR VIEWERS COULD
RELATE TO VALERIE'S JOURNEY TO
FEEL HEALTHIER AND HAPPIER IN
2020.
>> I'M SO HAPPY TO HEAR SOMEBODY
ELSE IS GOING THROUGH THE SAME
THING.
I'VE TAKEN CARE OF BOTH MY
ELDERLY PARENTS AND I'M THE
BIGGEST STRESS FEEDER BECAUSE I
DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH ALL
THE STRESS.
>> I GOT EMOTIONAL WHEN I SAW
VALERIE, I THOUGHT, WOW, WE'RE
KIND OF ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.
>> I HAVE BEEN A CAREGIVER TO MY
MOM THE LAST TWO YEARS AND SO
GRATEFUL I COULD BE A PART OF
TAKING CARE OF HER AND MY DAD.
LAST YEAR, I HIT A LOW AND
COULDN'T FIND JOY.
WHEN I SAW VALERIE'S STORY I
RELATED.
>> ACCORDING TO THE AARP, THE
AVERAGE CAREGIVER IS A
49-YEAR-OLD WOMAN SQUEEZING
BETWEEN AGING PARENTS AND
RAISING CHILDREN.
NO WONDER GENERATION X IS
FEELING THE STRESS.
>> THIS WORLD IS A CRAZY PLACE
AND WE NEED TO PUSH OUT MORE
LOVE AND FEEL MORE LOVE AND
FIGURE HOW TO DO IT.
>> IT STARTS WITH OURSELVES.
>> ONLY WITH OURSELVES.
>> HERE TO TALK ABOUT THIS IS
ADA CALHOUN, WOMEN WHO CAN'T
SLEEP, THEIR NEW MID-LIFE
CRISIS.
>> HOW ARE YOU?
>> YOU STUDIED THIS PHENOMENON,
WOMEN BETWEEN THE AGES OF 40 AND
PLUS, DOING IT ALL.
YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL BUT NOT
REALLY DOING IT THAT WELL.
>> A LOT OF US ARE PULLING OFF
SO MUCH.
ALL THESE WOMEN OF OUR
GENERATION GREW UP WITH
EXPECTATIONS, YOU CAN BE
ANYTHING, PRESIDENT, BE A
DOCTOR.
THERE WAS A LOT OF PRESSURE ON
US BECAUSE WE HAD SO MUCH
OPPORTUNITY AND POSSIBILITIES.
I TALKED TO ABOUT 200 WOMEN
AROUND THE COUNTRY, THEY FELT A
TON OF PRESSURE TO ACHIEVE IN
EVERY AREA.
IF THEY WERE ONLY MOMS AND THAT
FELT LIKE MAYBE NOT ENOUGH AND
ONLY HAD A CAREER AND FELT LIKE
NOT ENOUGH AND MANY DOING
EVERYTHING AND STILL THAT FELT
LIKE NOT ENOUGH TO A LOT OF
WOMEN.
>> YOU LOOK AT THE EXPECTATION
VALERIE BERTINELLI CAME UNDER,
THE WHOLE WORLD EXPECTED HER TO
BE THE HAPPIEST PERSON.
SOME ARE THE ONES IN THEIR OWN
FAMILY.
FOR HER TO HAVE THAT REVELATORY
MOMENT, I WILL CHANGE THINGS.
THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO
NEED TO COME TO THAT.
HOW DO YOU GET TO THE POINT YOU
WANT TO START CHANGING YOUR
LIFE?
>> I THINK IT IS IN ALL OF US.
OUR GENERATION IS SO RESILIENT,
THINK OF WHAT WE LIVED THROUGH
AND THROUGH A CRIME BOOM, THERE
IS A LOT OF TRAUMA IN THIS
GENERATION AND WE'RE COMING INTO
OUR 50s AND TAKING A HARD LOOK
IN WHAT WE DO AN WHAT WE HAVE.
>> WHAT DO YOU DO?
WHAT SHOULD SOMEBODY DO WHO
FEELS THE PRESSURE AS THE SCREWS
GETTING TIGHTENED.
>> QUESTION THE EXPECTATIONS OF
YOURSELF AND IS THAT REALISTIC?
DID YOU DO IT ALL OR CAN YOU DO
IT ALL AND DO IT EFFORTLESSLY
THE WAY THE PERFUME ADS MADE US
BELIEVE, MAYBE NOT.
>> LIFE ISN'T PERFECT AND YOU
CAN'T DO IT PERFECTLY.
MAYBE GIVE OURSELVES MORE GRACE?
>> I THINK THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.
WHAT HELPED ME IS OTHER WOMEN.
GIRL TALK IS A VERY GOOD THING
IN OUR LIVES.
>>> WE'VE BEEN TALKING A LOT
ABOUT PRESSURE WOMEN ARE FACING
ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE A CAREGIVER
AND A PARENT.
>> THESE WOMEN HAVE BEEN
CAREGIVERS FOR THEIR PARENTS.
YOU MED ADA CALHOUN BEFORE THE
BREAK WHO WROTE THE BOOK "WHY WE
CAN'T SLEEP" AND FROM AARP
MAGAZINE.
>> THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT
CARING FOR AGING PARENTS AND
EVERYONE BASICALLY THAT TAKES
WHAT YOU NEED AND PUTS IT DOWN
ON THE LIST.
IS THAT THE WAY IT HAS TO BE?
>> SOMETIMES IN A CRISIS, THAT'S
THE WAY IT IS, SOMEBODY IN THE
HOSPITAL, WHATEVER, YOU CANNOT
DO THAT FOREVER.
EVEN IN A CRISIS, TAKE THE TIME
TO GET THAT CUP OF COFFEE.
CALL A FRIEND, CONNECT WITH
PEOPLE AND DO LITTLE THINGS THAT
WILL STILL FILL YOU UP A LITTLE
BIT.
>> SOME GUILT CREEPS IN IF YOU
SAY, I WILL TAKE 30 MINUTES AND
GO ON A WALK AND CLEAR MY HEAD.
>> WE'RE CARING FOR LITTLE KIDS.
EVEN YOU'RE LIKE, I'M GOING TO
THE GYM.
YOU HAVE TO REALLY SAY IT --
>> OUT LOUD OR YOU FEEL BAD.
WHAT IF THEY WAKE UP FROM THEIR
NAP EARLY AND I'M NOT THERE?
>> YOU CAN'T BE EVERYWHERE,
BETWEEN WORK AND CARE GIVING AND
TAKING CARE OF MAYBE KIDS.
I HAD MY SISTER AND BOTH MY
PARENTS.
YOU'RE ALWAYS SANDWICHED BETWEEN
A BUNCH OF THINGS.
DO THE BEST YOU CAN.
>> ADA, YOU WROTE A BEAUTIFUL
ARTICLE IN "THE ATLANTIC,"
YOU'VE BEEN CARING FOR SOMEBODY,
WHETHER A CHILD OR PARENT
FOREVER.
WHAT DO YOU DO TO GET RELIEF AND
HOW IMPORTANT IS IT TO KNOW
YOU'RE NOT ALONE?
>> THAT'S THE BIGGEST THING,
LOOKING AT THE FACT 40,
50-YEAR-OLD WOMEN IN THIS
COUNTRY KEEPING FAMILIES AND THE
NATION TOGETHER.
WE WORK REALLY HARD AND I THINK
IT'S UNSUNG OFTEN.
IT'S ACKNOWLEDGING, THIS IS A
DIFFICULT TIME.
A LOT OF US WAITED TO HAVE KIDS
AND MIGHT HAVE SMALL CHILDREN
WHILE CARING FOR AGING PARENTS.
THAT'S NEW.
A LOT OF MOTHERS AND
GRANDMOTHERS WERE EMPTY NESTERS
IN THE 40s AND 50s OR WORKED 9
TO 5 JOBS.
>> SOME DO WHAT THEY NEED TO DO
FOR THEIR PARENTS AND KIDS AND
SLEEP LIKE BABIES AT NIGHT.
THERE ARE WOMEN WHO CAN DO THEIR
THING, I WAS GREAT, I WENT TO
THE GAME AND KISSED MY PARENTS
AND I WENT TO SLEEP AND I SLEPT
LIKE A BABY.
ARE WE HARD-WIRED DIFFERENTLY,
SOME OF US?
>> I THINK THOSE WHO GREW UP
WITH EXPECTATIONS IN ALL THOSE
AREAS, ONCE WE GET TO CARE
GIVING --
>> THERE'S NOT A PERFECT THING.
>> EXACTLY.
THERE'S NOT A PERFECT ANSWER FOR
ALL OF IT.
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW THE HEALTH
CONDITION WILL EVOLVE.
YOU CAN'T PLAN FOR EVERYTHING.
YOU CAN PLAN A BIT.
MAKE SURE FINANCIALLY YOU HAVE
YOUR PLAN B AND YOU HAVE BACKUP
CARE FOR EVERYONE.
MAKE SURE THAT YOU ARE PREPARED,
AS MUCH AS YOU CAN BE, AND YOU
DO YOUR BEST.
>> DO YOU REMEMBER THE TOUGHEST
DAYS, WHEN YOU WERE WITH YOUR --
>> FACEBOOK HAS MEMORIES THAT
COME UP AND ONE CAME UP
YESTERDAY, MY MOM WAS GETTING AN
X-RAY.
I WAS SUITED UP WITH THE WHOLE
X-RAY THING BECAUSE I HAD TO
HOLD HER UP SO SHE COULD GET HER
X-RAY AND HAD FRACTURED HER
SPINE AND HAD A HEART ATTACK,
AND THOSE WERE THE DAYS I DON'T
KNOW HOW I GOT THROUGH IT, BUT I
DID.
>> HOW DID YOU?
I ALSO LOVE THAT IMAGE OF YOU
HOLDING YOUR MOM UP.
THAT'S WHAT ALL THESE WOMEN ARE
DOING.
>> WE'RE HOLDING EACH OTHER UP.
>> WHAT ARE TIPS FOR SOMEBODY
SITTING AT HOME, THINKING, THANK
GOODNESS I'M NOT ALONE AND WHAT
SHOULD I DO?
>> ONE WAY I DIDN'T FEEL GUILTY
AT TAKING CARE OF MYSELF, I
COMPARED IT TO MY CAR, MY CAR
CAN'T RUN ON EMPTY AND DOESN'T
RUN VERY EFFICIENTLY ON EMPTY
AND I EXPECTED MYSELF TO.
LITTLE THINGS LIKE GETTING A CUP
OF COFFEE, TALKING WITH A
FRIEND, EXPERIENCING JOY.
I THINK JOY IS OUR GREATEST
SURVIVAL SKILL, CREATING JOY.
I MADE THE EFFORT TO GET MY
PARENTS OUT ON A FRIDAY NIGHT
AND GO OUT TO EAT AND MY MOM GOT
HER HAIR DONE EVERY FRIDAY,
THOSE THINGS WE USED TO FILL
OURSELVES UP.
THE LITTLE THINGS, WHEN YOU TUCK
YOUR KIDS IN AT NIGHT, I USED TO
TUCK MY MOM IN AT NIGHT, THE
HUG, KNOWING I MADE MY PARENTS
FEEL BETTER AND LOVED AND SAFE
AND SECURE, THAT'S EVERYTHING.
>> THAT'S REALLY BEAUTIFUL.
REAL QUICK ABOUT THAT CAR
ANALOGY, THAT'S SO BASIC AND ON
POINT.
THANKS, YOU GUYS.
>> WHAT YOU SAY, TOO, SURROUND
YOURSELVES WITH FEMALES YOU CAN
TALK OPENLY WITH AND BE
YOURSELF.
>> WANT ANOTHER WAY TO FEEL
BETTER, CHECK OUT