WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FOLKS, IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE TONIGHT, GREAT TO BE HERE.
ACTUALLY, IT'S GREAT TO BE ANYWHERE TONIGHT.
BECAUSE TENSIONS ARE BUILDING BETWEEN PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP
AND NORTH KOREAN AND DISAPPOINTED VOLLEYBALL KIM
JONG-UN.
NOW, THIS IS THE TENSION I'M TALKING ABOUT.
IF YOU'VE BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK FOR THE PAST COUPLE OF
DAYS, I HOPE IT'S LINED WITH LEAD, BECAUSE THIS PAST WEEKEND,
THE U.N. IMPOSED HARSH SANCTIONS ON NORTH KOREA TO TRY TO GET
THEM TO CURB THEIR NUCLEAR PROGRAM.
NORTH KOREA RESPONDED BY THREATENING REVENGE ON THE U.S.,
SO RENOWNED DEAL ARTIST, DONALD TRUMP--
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YOU HEARD OF THIS GUY.
FANS.
TRUMP FANS.
DONALD TRUMP SAW THEIR THREAT OF APOCALYPSE AND RAISED THEM ONE
ARMAGEDDON.
>> NORTH KOREA BEST NOT MAKE ANY MORE THREATS TO THE UNITED
STATES.
THEY WILL BE MET WITH FIRE, FURY AND, FRANKLY, POWER THE LIKES OF
WHICH THIS WORLD HAS NEVER SEEN BEFORE.
>> Audience: OOOOH!
>> Stephen: OH, WE'VE SEEN IT BEFORE.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE WE'VE SEEN?
YOU USING THAT PHRASE.
>> WE HAVE A MOVEMENT, THE LIKES OF WHICH THIS WORLD HAS NEVER
SEEN BEFORE.
WE WILL UNLEASH AN ENERGY REVOLUTION, THE LIKES OF WHICH
WE HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE, MASSIVE ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT
DEALS, THE LIKES OF WHICH THERE HAS NEVER BEEN.
I LAND AT AIRPORTS, THE LIKES OF WHICH YOU'VE NEVER SEEN.
>> Stephen: THAT IS EMPTY RHETORIC, THE LIKES OF WHICH YOU
ALWAYS USE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S GOOD TO KNOW-- IT'S GOOD TO KNOW OUR PRESIDENT
SEES THE FIRE OF NUCLEAR WAR AS BEING ON THE SAME LEVEL AS A
NICE AIRPORT HE WENT TO.
"I HAD A MEAL AT CHILI'S, TOO, THE LIKES OF WHICH YOU'VE NEVER
SEEN BEFORE."
NOW, IF THREATENING NUCLEAR WAR SEEMS A LITTLE SEAT OF THE GIANT
PANTS, THAT'S BECAUSE IT WAS.
APPARENTLY, TRUMP IMPROVISED "FIRE AND FURY" BECAUSE THE
PAPER HE HAD IN FRONT OF HIM WAS AN OPIOID FACT SHEET.
( LAUGHTER ) LOOK, I GET IT.
I'VE DONE IMPROV.
IT CAN BE TOUGH.
HE SHOULD HAVE STARTED WITH A SUGGESTION FROM THE AUDIENCE.
"CAN I HAVE A GEOGRAPHICAL LOCATION AND A WAY THE WORLD
WILL END?
OKAY?
I THURSDAY SOUTHEAST ASIA AND THOROUGHLYO NUCLEAR CONFLICTS."
AND TRUMP'S MESSAGE OF "DON'T THREATEN US OR WE WILL RAIN DOWN
FIRE AND FURY" WAS SO INTIMIDATING THAT NORTH KOREA
IMMEDIATELY THREATENED A MISSILE STRIKE ON THE U.S. TERRITORY OF
GUAM.
LOOK, NORTH KOREA, LEAVE GUAM OUT OF THIS!
THEY'RE A U.S. TERRITORY.
THAT MEANS THEY DON'T PARTICIPATE IN THE ELECTIONS!
THEY DIDN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP.
JUST LIKE MOST OF AMERICANS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) INNOCENT!
BUT HERE'S THE DEAL.
HERE'S WHY IT'S A LITTLE SPOOKY.
NORTH KOREA NOW CLAIMS TO BE ABLE TO REACH GUAM WITH THEIR
MISSILE AND DESTROY IT WITH "ENVELOPING FIRE."
"ENVELOPING FIRE"?
IS KIM JONG-UN LAUNCHING A MISSILE OR A SERIES OF EROTIC
NOVELS?
( LAUGHTER ) HE LOOKS GOOD.
HE LOOKS-- HE LOOKS GOOD.
I MISJUDGED HIM.
NOW, SOME ARE SAYING THAT TRUMP'S "ATOMIC IMPROV" MADE
THINGS WORSE.
BUT SECRETARY OF STATE AND PROUD EYEBROW AMERICAN, REX TILLERSON,
IS STANDING BY HIS MAN.
>> WHAT THE PRESIDENT WAS DOING WAS SENDING A STRONG MESSAGE TO
NORTH KOREA IN LANGUAGE THAT KIM JONG-UN WOULD UNDERSTAND.
I THINK AMERICANS SHOULD SLEEP WELL AT NIGHT.
>> Stephen: WHY?
WHAT'S HAPPENING DURING THE DAY?
WHAT AREN'T YOU TELLING US?
( LAUGHTER ) BUT OKAY, OKAY.
GRANDPA WANTS US TO SLEEP WELL AT NIGHT, WHICH IS WHY HE'S COME
OUT WITH A NEW BOOK, "REX TILLERSON'S SLEEPY TIME TALES."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OKAY.
HERE WE GO.
OVER HERE?
"THERE ONCE WAS A BADGER, AND HE WAS THE ELECTED LEADER OF THE
WHOLE MEADOW, EVEN THOUGH MOST OF THE MEADOW DIDN'T VOTE FOR
HIM.
HE HAD WEIRD HAIR AND TINY LITTLE PAWS, AND HE WAS OBSESSED
WITH THE LOCAL FOX AND ALL OF HIS FRIENDS.
LIKE, HE WATCHED THE FOX AND FRIENDS WAY TOO MUCH, TO THE
POINT WHERE FOLKS WERE LIKE, 'DON'T YOU HAVE BADGER STUFF
YOU SHOULD BE DOING?
'.
THEN, ONE DAY, THE BADGER GOT INTO A FIGHT WITH A PUDGY WOLF,
WHO WAS SOMEHOW EVEN CRAZIER.
AND BOTH OF THEM HAD NUCLEAR WEAPONS AND DISTANT, UNPLEASABLE
FATHERS, AND..."
UUUH...
YIKES!
AH, IT'S JUST A BOOK.
WE'RE PROBABLY GOING TO BE FINE.
ANYWAY, SLEEP TIGHT, KIDS!
AND SAY YOUR PRAYERS.