♪♪
-Let's get to the news.
Tomorrow is Election Day, which means President Biden's
impeachment trial, I guess, starts on Wednesday.
[ Laughter ]
Former President Trump is reportedly planning
to formally announce his presidential campaign
on November 14th.
No word yet on his choice for V.P.
or First Lady.
[ Laughter ]
Former President Barack Obama and Donald Trump
held separate rallies over the weekend in Pennsylvania.
Obama campaigned for John Fetterman,
and Trump campaigned for 2024.
[ Laughter ]
Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee Chair
Sean Patrick Maloney said in an interview yesterday
that Democrats will maintain control of Congress and added,
"We're not perfect, but we are responsible adults
who didn't attack the Capitol."
Not exactly a high bar.
[ Laughter ]
Democrats are like the stepdad of political parties.
They may be lame, but at least they're not the guy
who walked out on you.
[ Laughter ]
"Hey, I'm here!"
Yesterday was the end of daylight savings time,
in case you were wondering why these all feel
more like 1:30 in the morning jokes.
[ Light laughter ]
The New York City marathon was held yesterday,
and Kenyan runner Evans Chebet was the men's champion
with a time of 2 hours, 8 minutes, and 41 seconds.
2 hours, 8 minutes, and 41 seconds --
the fastest anyone has ever gotten from Staten Island
to Central Park.
[ Laughter ]
At a rally in Pennsylvania over the weekend,
former president Trump called Florida governor
Ron DeSantis, quote, "Ron DeSanctimonious."
Has anyone ever been worse at coming up with nicknames?
Imagine Trump in "Top Gun."
People, people, I know we all love Maverick,
but I think I got one that beats it.
Are you ready? Everybody ready?
"Airplane Guy."
That's right, former President Trump
referred to Florida governor Ron DeSantis
as Ron DeSanctimonious, which is a risky move for Trump
because that's six syllables.
[ Laughter ]
A J.C. Penney location in Pennsylvania temporarily closed
last week after a deer wandered into the store.
Even crazier, a couple weeks ago, a shopper wandered in.
[ Laughter ]
He's asking what aisle stuff's in.
Over 50 students in El Paso, Texas,
may have to retake the S.A.T.
after their answer sheets flew out of a UPS truck
and were either lost or destroyed.
The students are calling the incident disheartening,
regrettable, disconcerting, or irksome.
[ Laughter ]
Astronomers predict that a total lunar eclipse
will occur tomorrow.
So, if you look outside and the moon turns red,
Don't worry, it just means Dr. Oz won his Senate race.
[ Light laughter ]
That's what the prophecy foretold.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, the makers of Miller Lite this week
will offer a Christmas tree keg stand.
And if you're wondering what Santa's bringing you --
AA pamphlets.
♪♪
Yesterday was Election Day
and "Late Night" is now projecting
the Democrats will pick up at least one seat
at Thanksgiving dinner.
[ Laughter ]
In an interview last night with NBC News,
South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham said,
"Hats off to the Democrats
for performing well in swing districts."
Oh, yeah, hats way off!
[ Laughter ]
Democratic Senator Raphael Warnock
and Republican challenger Herschel Walker
are set to head to a runoff on December 6th
to decide Georgia's Senate race.
And, if you think Georgia's election process is confusing,
imagine trying to explain it to Herschel Walker.
[ Laughter ]
Pennsylvania Lieutenant Governor John Fetterman
defeated Republican candidate Dr. Mehmet Oz yesterday...
[ Cheering and applause ]
...in the state Senate race.
Oz says he's just happy he doesn't have to pretend
to root for the Philadelphia Steelers anymore.
[ Laughter ]
Democrat Maxwell Frost yesterday became the first member
of Generation Z elected to Congress,
while Chuck Grassley recorded another win
for Generation Zzz!
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Mumbling ]
[ Laughter ]
Texas Senator Ted Cruz was booed this week at the
Houston Astros World Series Championship Parade.
As well as the bank, the grocery store,
[ Laughter ] his office,
[ Applause ] and at his house.
All in all, a pretty average week for Ted Cruz.
[ Laughter and applause ] President Biden
and former President Barack Obama
posted a video on Twitter this week
[ Laughter ] reminding people to vote.
You know, it's nice to see they're still friends.
The only way we're getting video of Trump and Pence together is
if Maury springs it on them.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Maryland yesterday became the 20th state
to legalize marijuana,
which means that, for the first time ever,
there's something to do in Maryland.
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
Former President Trump voted in yesterday's midterm elections
in Florida, then, because he can't help himself,
took a bunch of ballots back to Mar-A-Lago.
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, a Brooklyn man
who was on the run from fraud charges
was arrested recently in Florida
after the federal agent who signed his arrest warrant
spotted him at a Disney theme park.
[ Laughter ] Huh!
It's a small world.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Always...end...with.... a dad joke.
♪♪
President Biden spoke today at
a DNC event to thank staffers and volunteers.
Okay, but you know who you really
need to be thanking, right?
I mean, the way his endorsements performed,
this man needs a fruit basket, which would be a solid burn,
because he doesn't eat fruit.
[ Laughter ]
Following Democrats' surprisingly strong performance
in the midterms, White House chief of staff Ron Klain
tweeted yesterday, "Never underestimate how much
Team Biden is underestimated."
[ Laughter ] And wow, what a rallying cry.
[ Laughter ]
That's like if Coach Taylor said, "Clear eyes,
full hearts, everyone thinks we're going to lose.
But guess what. We're not going to lose
by as much as everyone thought
and we're going to call that a win.
Go get 'em."
[ Laughter ]
Former President Trump's daughter Tiffany is reportedly
worried that Tropical Storm Nicole will ruin
her wedding this weekend at Mar-a-Lago.
Though if I were her,
I'd be more worried about this tropical depression.
[ Laughter ] Just moping around, complaining
about the midterms, jumping in front to catch the bouquet,
and yelling, "This means I'm the nominee in 2024."
[ Laughter ]
Allies of former President Trump are reportedly telling him
to delay his planned 2024 campaign announcement,
so now he has to come up with a new explanation
for what his big announcement was.
"Uh, we're launching Trump brand hard seltzer."
[ Laughter ]
"That was always the plan
and not something we just threw together."
Pennsylvania Republican Senate candidate Dr. Mehmet Oz conceded
yesterday in a phone call
to Lieutenant Governor John Fetterman.
Fetterman knew it was him
because it was not a Pennsylvania number.
[ Laughter ]
Ex-Trump organization CFO Allen Weisselberg recently testified
that former President Trump inflated the value of
his Trump Tower apartment by $200 million,
which he did by claiming it was a two-bedroom.
[ Light laughter ]
[ Laughter ]
It's a joke about New York City real estate, but...
[ Laughter ]
I'll explain during the commercial.
[ Laughter ]
A T-Rex dinosaur skull will go up for auction next month and is
expected to sell for 20 million of Nic Cage's dollars.
[ Laughter ]
A professional archer in Denmark recently broke a Guinness
world record by shooting seven arrows through a keyhole.
Great for him, terrible for his nosy neighbor.
[ Laughter ]
Is that a two-bedroom?
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Phew.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, organizers of the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show
have announced that next year's event will be moved
from Madison Square Garden
to Billie Jean King National Tennis Center in Queens.
What could possibly go wrong?
[ Laughter ]
That was a monologue, everybody.
♪♪