Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘I have yet to hear a more infantile piece of balderdash’
We’re looking at Italian sci-fi, Mission Stardust,
which has done it’s research.
‘The moon’s a long way.’
Under the command of Major Perry Rhodan, a crew of chiselled men head for the moon to seek a valuable new element,
but find something else.
‘Look over there, tell me I’m dreaming.’
They are met by an alien robot.
‘Our friend’s only a robot’
Takes a lot to impress these guys.
‘Quite an elevator, eh Perry’
I mean the spaceship’s nice and robots are always cool but… that elevator.
Inside they meet 2 aliens and speak the first words to pass between humanity and an alien race.
‘Well now, I suppose you two will unscrew your heads and go hide in a closet’
The history books may gloss over that, and alien Thora already had a bad impression of us.
‘Yours was an aggressive attitude, typical of primitive races.’
Why are they here?
‘We’re working together to save our race from extinction.’
How?
‘By uniting with a younger race.’
Drop your trousers and get on the bed.
‘You wouldn’t by chance like to start right away?’
Actually, humans are too primitive for Thora but that won’t stop Rhodan...
'Stop putting on airs and look at me when I talk to you.'
'How do you.'
...from very much proving her point, although she may have led him on a bit.
‘Are you saying that a naked girl is of interest to a man.'
Our titillation is years ahead of yours.
‘That’s a very primitive act.’
So far, so familiar, another movie in which superior aliens need humans for sex and
learn that humans are actually better than them in every way.
‘Those robots are great tailors but they don’t know how to put buttons on.’
Score one for humanity.
But, things get complicated as we meet Mr Arkon.
‘Nicely manicured’
Crime lords throw the best pool parties.
Arkon is a drug dealer who suddenly develops delusions of global domination.
‘Right here in this message is a way to bring the world within our grasp.’
Also complicating matters...
‘The medical name for it is leukemia.’
alien scientist, Crest is sick and as disease is unknown on their planet,
he needs a human doctor and only one will do.
‘He runs a hospital in Mombasa in East Africa.’
For reasons passing understanding they do not now radio home and say, we’re on our way back,
we need a doctor, they decide to keep it secret.
‘Incognito.’
and when I say secret.
I mean drawing as much attention as possible.
The army arrives, again showcasing humanity’s diplomacy.
‘A woman’s in command here? I’ve never come across anything so ridiculously absurd’
He’s a jerk but Thora’s response seems disproportionate.
‘Thora is disturbed’
I’m getting that impression.
But now aliens have melted the rift valley and declared war on East Africa.
‘That could be interpreted as a declaration of hostilities’
Can we agree that the clandestine portion of the mission is over.
‘Yeah, we might just as well land by Mombasa’
Where did you land?
‘In the desert about 400 miles from Mombasa.’
Got a spaceship that will go anywhere and you landed 400 miles from your target,
well, like I said, the need for secrecy has passed.
‘Well, we’ll have to get a car’
Yep, that’s the logical next step and as long as you’re making problems for yourselves don’t go to a dealer,
buy from a local low-life who will obviously try to rob you.
'Would like to have some fun, I have some very young girls, whatever you want.'
'What about an automobile?'
'But of course I will take you yo Saraman, he will help you.'
I think it’s fair to say the plot has strayed but they reach the doctor.
‘The word fantastic is inadequate to your story.’
Certainly not the word I’d have used.
They head back to the spaceship.
But Arkon now re-enters the story.
‘We’ve carried out all your instructions Mr Arkon and standing by for further orders.’
The doctors is his spy.
'You see my dear, I'm not actually Dr Haggard.'
So is one of the astronauts.
‘The boss said you’d give me all the details.’
The plan goes awry but Arkon takes Thora prisoner.
‘We can still do it, using her as a hostage.’
Rhodan must rescue her.
‘You’re the first people in the universe to whom we have entrusted our battle dress.'
Or at least the first willing to wear it. They attack.
'Hold it.'
And Arkon instantly gives up his hostage.
It’s like the writer didn’t know how to resolve the situation.
Thora once again takes revenge.
‘That’s the end of a lot of evil men.’
and anyone else in the vicinity.
But Arkon gets the drop on them.
‘You’ve made a terrible mistake in opposing Arkon, now you will pay for it with your lives.’
and once again, the writer was clearly stuck.
‘But there’s one weapon you can’t fight.’
Oh what will it be?
‘it’s simple little old courage.’
'Don't move! Or I'll kill you.'
'Stay where you are.'
What sort of crime boss doesn’t shoot?
'Open the door.'
'No it's too late.'
Also, what sort of crime boss infiltrates the space program years ago
on the off-chance a valuable element is discovered on the moon leading to aliens coming here with technology he can steal?
‘Ridiculous’
He also replaces 3 doctors at a major research centre with no one noticing,
and when the real doctor returns...
‘Lucky for me those crooks brought the right serum along.’
That was lucky. The imposters also perform a genuine blood transfusion.
‘I think I feel better.’
But the main problem is that this wants to be camp fun, and it’s not.
There’s no time for fun. There’s too much else going on.
‘I couldn’t care less about that.’
Finally, not for nothing the bad guy’s name is Mr Arkon.
‘Where do you come from?’
‘From Arkon’
I spent the whole movie waiting for the reveal he was one of them.
'The experiment has begun.'
I didn't write a question for this... that was careless.
Thanks for watching. For more alien movie reviews, click here.
Major Roden wastes no time hooking up with Thora, what film aliens would you like to hook up with, let us know in the comments.
'It is done sir.'