>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND!
>> Louis: SYNERGY. >> Stephen: HEY!
>> Louis: SYNERGY. >> Stephen: AREN'T THEY THE
GREATEST? I LIKE ALL THE BLACK LEATHER
TONIGHT. >> Louis: IT'S COOL, RIGHT.
>> Stephen: VERY NICE, NICE COMBO.
TONIGHT, TONIGHT MY FRIEND, WE'RE IN LUCK.
YOU KNOW IT'S ALWAYS FUN-- IT'S ALWAYS FUN WHEN MR. TOM HANKS
STOPS AROUND. RIGHT THERE, RIGHT THERE, DOING
A LITTLE GAME WITH US WE CALL "MAYBE COMING SOON."
>> Louis: YEAH. >> Stephen: ABOUT SOME MOVIES
THAT WE'VE DONE TOGETHER. AND CNN'S AUDIE CORNISH IS GOING
TO BE OUT HERE TO TALK A LITTLE ABOUT THE NEWS.
SOME OF THE GAME HENS ARE HERE TONIGHT.
FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME
ROAMING THE CENTRAL ANDES MOUNTAINS OF THE DAY'S NEWS
LANDSCAPE, STALKING THE FINEST, MOST TOPICAL PERUVIAN LLAMAS,
WHICH CAN ONLY BE SHORN ONCE EVERY THREE YEARS, THEN
HAND-LOOMING THE WOOL BEFORE CUTTING AND STITCHING IT INTO
THE BESPOKE VICUNYA SUIT THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, FOLKS, JUST SOMETIMES, I'M TOSSED NAKED OUT
OF A PARTY BUS ALONG THE AIRPORT SERVICE ROAD, CUT ARM HOLES IN A
DISCARDED TENT I FISHED OUT OF A CULVERT, THEN TRY TO EXPLAIN
CRYPTO TO A FAMILY OF POSSUMS WHILE WEARING THE FLAPPING HOBO
SMOCK OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
>> MEANWHILE!
IT'S ALL THE XANAX I NEED. THAT'S THE BENGODIAZAPINE
AMERICA NEEDS. MEANWHILE, IN HUNKY RESEARCH
NEWS, REGE-JEAN PAGE IS THE MOST HANDSOME MAN IN THE WORLD, SAYS
SCIENCE. THAT'S RIGHT: SCIENCE.
I BELIEVE THEY USED NEWTON'S FIRST LAW OF MOTION: "A BODY AT
REST REMAINS AT REST, BUT THAT BOOTY WON'T QUIT!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LOOK AT THAT. HE SURE IS SEXY.
THIS IMPORTANT STUDY WAS CONDUCTED BY A DOCTOR IN THE
U.K., WHO FOUND THAT REGE-JEAN IS 93.65% PERFECT IN TERMS OF
THE GOLDEN RATIO. I'M NOT REALLY SURE HOW THIS
WORKS, BUT THIS IS THE GOLDEN RATIO, AND THIS IS REGE-JEAN
PAGE. 93.65% IS PRETTY GOOD, BUT
IMAGINE HOW GOOD-LOOKING HE'D BE IF HE MATCHED THE GOLDEN RATIO
100%. JUST GORGEOUS!
TEAR ME OFF A PIECE OF THAT. MEANWHILE, PARIS FASHION WEEK
JUST ENDED, AND VIDEO HAS GONE VIRAL OF KYLIE JENNER'S
LESS-THAN-ENTHUSIASTIC REACTION TO A PARTICULAR OUTFIT.
HERE'S A MODEL WEARING A GIGANTIC FAKE LION'S HEAD ON HER
DRESS-- RAWR! THAT IS FIERCE!
EVERYONE SEEMS TO BE ENJOYING IT EXCEPT ONE PERSON.
AND THERE SHE GOES. LOOK, I TOTALLY FEEL YOU, KYLIE.
I WILL NEVER FORGET THE EMMYS WHEN THAT THIRSTY DIVA JOHN
LITHGOW SHOWED UP WEARING THE EXACT SAME PANTHER ASS AS ME!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
JUST THE ASS. JUST THE ASS.
MEANWHILE, A PARK RANGER IN AUSTRALIA HAS FOUND A
RECORD-BREAKING CANE TOAD, WEIGHING IN AT 2.7 KILOGRAMS,
WHICH IS ALMOST SIX POUNDS. DAMN!
THAT THING GETS ANY BIGGER, THEY'RE GONNA STICK IT ON KYLIE
JENNER'S DRESS.
( APPLAUSE )
NEEDS LIFEGUARDS SO BAD THEY ARE REPORTEDLY HIRING PEOPLE WHO
CAN'T SWIM. EXPLAINS WHY THEY'VE CHANGED THE
SIGNS FROM "LIFEGUARD ON DUTY" TO "SOME GUY NAMED CARL IS IN
THE TALL CHAIR." ONE OFFICIAL--
ONE OFFICIAL WAS QUICK TO PUT PEOPLE'S MINDS AT EASE, SAYING
OF THE NEW GUARDS, "I WOULDN'T SAY THEY CAN'T SWIM.
THEY JUST CAN'T PASS OUR SCREENING TEST ON THE FIRST
TRY." THAT STATEMENT NOT AS REASSURING
AS YOU THINK IT IS. "I WOULDN'T SAY THE PILOT CAN'T
FLY. I'M JUST SAYING THEY JUST CAN'T
LAND. ANYWAY, SEAT BACKS AND TRAY
TABLES UP. THANK YOU FOR FLYING SPIRIT."
I'LL BE LUCKY-- I'M NOT SURE IF I'M MAKING IT THROUGH THIS SHOW.
MEANWHILE, THERE'S NEWS FROM ONE OF THE U.S.A.'S TOP FIVE
VIRGINIAS-- WEST-- WHERE A RESTAURANT OWNER WAS THRILLED
THAT HIS "STOLEN HOT DOG STATUE WAS RETURNED."
NOW, OBVIOUSLY, I'M HAPPY THE RESTAURANT OWNER GOT HIS STATUE
BACK, BUT I'M DISTURBED THAT HE IS LICKING HIS LIPS WHILE
DOUSING HIMSELF WITH KETCHUP. "OHH, I'D LOVE TO EAT ME.
BUT I CAN'T, BECAUSE MY MOUTH IS PART OF ME.
MAYBE YOU COULD TAKE A BIG BITE OF ME AND FEED ME SOME OF
MYSELF, LIKE A LITTLE BABY BIRD. WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"
IT'S AN UPSETTING STATUE. JUST HAVE A CHICKEN EATING A
DRUM STICK NEXT TIME. MEANWHILE, "OREO IS LAUNCHING A
LIMITED-EDITION COOKIE THAT COMES STUFFED WITH OTHER OREOS."
THAT HEADLINE AGAIN: "WEED IS LEGAL."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I HEAR. I HEAR IT'S LEGAL.
I WOULDN'T KNOW. I'M NOT INTO THAT SCENE.
THIS COOKIE IS BEING CALLED "THE MOST OREO OREO."
NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE LEAST OREO OREO, HYDROX.
( LAUGHTER )
YOU TASTE LIKE A DENTIST'S OFFICE, YOU DUSTY BITCH.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
"DEAR CBS, DEAR CBS..., AS A MEMBER OF THE HYDROX FAMILY I'M
OFFENDED. ROGER HYDROX."
WHY IS THIS OREO SO OREO? WELL, INSTEAD OF THE STANDARD
CREME, THIS NEW VERSION HAS ACTUAL BITS OF OREO IN IT.
AND I HAPPEN TO HAVE SOME OF THE NEW OREOS RIGHT HERE.
LET'S GIVE THESE GIRLS A WHIRL. MMM.
WELL, THERE'S A REASON IT'S NOT CALLED THE "BEST" OREO.
( LAUGHTER )
"MOST." WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TOM
HANKS. ♪ ♪ ♪