Hola, hola. I'm Wilmer Valderr--
Hey! [Bleep] you!
♪♪
What's up? I'm Wilmer Valderrama.
Before we get started, let's get one thing straight.
If you're thinking, "Oh, Wilmer, you're such a cute puppet,"
you can go ahead and [bleep] yourself.
I'm a marionette.
Have you ever seen Kermit do this?
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Welcome to the "Hollywood Puppet [bleep] Show,"
the show where my friends
tell the craziest, most [bleep] up stories,
re-enacted by the world's greatest marionettes.
Okay, first up, here is a birthday story
from my brother Lil Jon
that's definitely memorable.
♪♪
Ugh.
Got to work on the aim.
♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba, ba ♪
What's up, y'all? It's your boy, Lil Jon.
I'm here to tell you about an unforgettable birthday
that I totally forgot.
But let's start at the end, 'cause last things first.
I hope you can keep up. You ready?
Let's go.
[ Breathing deeply ]
[ Rooster crows ]
You ever wake up
and you don't know where you are?
You don't know how you got there,
why your pants are down to your ankles,
and you got blood coming from your forehead.
What the [bleep]
Yeah, me too.
Last thing I remember is...
[ Groans ]
Well, I don't [bleep] remember.
[ Muffled speaking ]
All I know is --
I couldn't find my boy, Shawty, nowhere.
Yo, Shawty! Shawty!
Where you at?!
♪♪
At least I found my jacket.
Ha ha!
The lift ticket.
Of course!
It's starting to come back to me.
[ Buzzing ]
Me and Shawty were snowboarding,
having a good time.
♪ Wicked ♪
[ Reggae music plays ]
You know, just cruising.
[ Reggae music continues ]
Shawty: Yo, L.J., thanks for inviting me
to your annual Sundance party weekend
to celebrate your birthday.
No sweat, man.
And, uh, thank you for concisely explaining
why we are here.
You know that's how I do.
♪♪
Oh [bleep]
Look out!
Aah!
♪♪
Damn! You high, L.J.
You know it, son!
♪♪
-Ha ha! -Whoo!
♪♪
[ Engine sputtering ]
Oh [bleep]
Is this where I hit my head?
Ooh!
Oh! Yeah, boy!
Yeah!
I stuck that landing like a champ.
But when I looked up...
Lil Jon: What the [bleep] you doing? [ Both laugh ]
Move your asses out the way!
[ Woman screaming ]
...Kind of snaked these two snow bunnies.
[ Straining ]
You know me. I'm a good dude.
So I get them back on their feet.
Yo, we celebrating tonight for L.J.'s birthday.
Y'all should come.
Oh, we'd love to,
but we don't get off work until 2:30 in the morning.
But here's our card.
Give us a shout sometime.
Well, it don't take a genius
to know what these ladies do until 2:00 in the morning.
♪ And their money ♪
So, okay, at this point,
I'm starting to remember meeting these young ladies.
But I don't remember what happened next.
♪♪
And I don't know what happened to my head...
for real.
No, no.
No bueno.
♪ It don't stop ♪
Oh [bleep] That's right.
It's starting to come back to me.
♪ Shorty, keep it poppin' on the floor ♪
♪ Dancin' all night 'cause you know we ain't stoppin' ♪
♪ 1, 2, 3, 4, bottles in the club ♪
Me and the homies took over the local distillery.
The place is packed.
The liquor was flowing.
[ Laughter ]
And the booties was shakin'!
♪ How we go, go, go ♪
♪♪
So, this seriously roided-out mother[bleep]...
[ Grunting ]
Yeah.
It looked like he eat babies for breakfast.
He comes up to me.
I'm a big fan, bro.
Yeah, you is a big fan.
Huge mother[bleep]
I want you to meet my girlfriend.
♪♪
♪ Yeah ♪
What's up, shorty?
♪ Come on over here, baby ♪
♪ Listen to me close ♪
♪ You could be the one I'm lookin' for ♪
[ Russian accent ] Nice to meet you.
You look strong.
I am the big fan.
[ Slow R&B music plays ]
[ Laughs ]
Now, listen, here, y'all.
Number one, I'm happily married.
And, number two,
you never mess with another man's girlfriend, right?
So I say...
Have a good time.
Drinks on the house.
I'll see y'all later.
♪ Hey! ♪
♪ Put the candles on the cake ♪
♪ We gonna celebrate ♪
So, about an hour passes.
We gettin' straight slizzurped.
And then something happened that I will never forget.
The steroid dude's girlfriend comes up to me all wasted.
[ Slurring ] Happy birthday, handsome.
Wow. [ Laughs ]
Now, at this point in the night,
my reflexes ain't too sharp,
and before I could stop her,
the [bleep] tried to kiss me.
You mother[bleep]
[ Hard rock music plays ]
Now, all I see is his giant fist!
Aaaaah!
[ Grunting ]
Is this where I hit my head?
[ Gong bangs ]
[ Bell tolling ]
Guess what. I'm totally fine.
[ Triumphant music plays ]
What the [bleep]
My flask!
It saved my life!
Now, this was definitely some kind of birthday miracle.
But we didn't want to stick around
till the goddamn police show up.
We up out of this joint.
It's time to find somewhere else to party.
Shawty reminded me of the card
from them girls on the slopes.
[ Electronic music plays ]
It's my birthday, bitch.
It's my birthday.
[ Music continues ]
[ Smack! ]
Who am I to let my boys down?
-[ Rolls tongue ] -Do you like my booby tassels?
[ Laughs ] Shorty, you got a nice-ass outfit on.
Hey, I love your hair.
Who your goddamn beautician?
♪♪
Lil Jon: You smell like Cheetos.
[ Laughs ]
Hey! Best birthday ever!
Yeah!
[ Stomach grumbling ]
But since we bailed so early
from the other party,
nobody had no chance to get no food.
So I had the idea of getting some food here.
Let me get that. Let me get that.
Let me get two of them, uh, one of them.
And let me get all of that right there.
♪♪
Tip to everybody out there.
I don't care how drunk you get,
don't you ever order sushi from a strip club in Utah.
♪♪
Spicy mother[bleep] mackerel!
I was the only one who made it back to the condo
without puking my brains out.
[ Farting ]
Unfortunately, I wasn't the only one
that needed to use the john.
We're dying out here!
[ Pounding on door ] Hold on, hold on!
I'm in here, god damn it! -L.J.!
Can't a brother [bleep] in peace?!
Let us in, L.J.
Leave me, you heathens!
Damn!
I can't hold it much longer!
[ Pounding continues ]
1, 2, 3!
[ Farts ]
♪♪
[ Smack! ]
♪♪
It was the goddamn door.
[ All puking ]
So, the moral of the story
is what I said two goddamn minutes ago.
Don't eat strip-club sushi
in mother[bleep] Utah, bitch!
[ Bell tolls ]
This mother[bleep] dead.
What should we do?
Run!
♪♪
Oh, and pick your crew carefully.
I'm gonna kill those mother[bleep]
Yeah, that's it, mother[bleep] Bye.
If you ain't mother[bleep] know,
now you mother[bleep] know, mother[bleep]
Valderrama: Ahh!
Suuuuu!
Hey. [ Chuckles ] I didn't see you there.
Yes, I'm practicing
the ancient Chinese tradition of Tai Chi.
When you're 4 feet smaller than everyone else,
one must find a way of grounding one's self.
[ Bell tolls ]
Stay Zen or this cruel world
will eat you alive with judgment.
[ Bell tolls ]
That reminds me --
Amber Rose has a story about judgment,
so let's hear it, Amber.
[ Gong sounds ]
[ Laughs ]
I'm great.
♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba, ba ♪
So, a while back, when I was much younger,
I worked as a stripper,
living in this tiny apartment in the Bronx.
[ Horns honking ]
And the story that I'm about to tell you
is the last day of my stripping career.
All the good that's happened in my career
started that night.
I was trying to save money to buy a ticket to L.A.
and live the dream of becoming a superstar.
But no matter how hard I worked,
I just couldn't save up enough.
[ Telephone rings ]
But then it was like a miracle sent from above.
Hello?
Amber, I need you down here pronto. [ Glass shatters ]
Me? On a Tuesday night?
I know, I know.
You're not one of our big-money Tuesday night girls,
but Big Tigger's coming, and we have
lots of champagne to sell, and I need you.
Oh, my God. This is the best news ever.
I'm on my way.
This was the break I was looking for.
I mean, a night like this could pay my rent for months.
[ Cellphone beeps ]
[ Electronic music plays ]
[ Panting ]
-Aah! -Get out of my way, bitch!
[Bleep]
Oh, I got to go make this money.
Whoo! [Bleep]
I could not wait to get there.
[ Indistinct conversations, electronic music plays ]
Welcome to the Tuesday night club, girl!
This is when we make our money.
[ Laughs ]
Money, money, money, boobs.
Money, money, money, champagne.
Money, money, money, power.
Man: Amber, your hair is backward.
How many times do I have to tell you?
That buzz cut isn't sexy.
Men want long, feminine hair
that looks like a beautiful waterfall
of their mother's love and sex.
Mm-hmm.
What was that?
Much better!
Now go out there and make it rain!
Oh, and Big Tigger is coming tonight,
so you better be on your game.
[ All cheering ]
Man: All right, boys, get your dollar bills ready.
Coming to the main stage is Amber.
[ Cheers and applause ]
It was a Tuesday night,
the night where the girls made the most money
at the club I was working at.
Man #1: Oh, my God. Is that Big Tigger?
Man #2: Hell, yeah it is.
[ Electronic music plays ]
[ All cheering ]
Yo, dawg, she dance as good as she look,
I'm gonna make it rain tonight.
So I decided that I was gonna give them a show
that they would never forget.
This is the best night of my life!
I'd never seen so much cash in one place.
Hey, do it, girl. You better work that booty.
To this day, I don't even understand
how Tigger and his crew got their hands on so many $1s.
Yo, you got nice strength, girl.
You balsa wood
or are you just light on your feet?
Guys were having so much fun.
I mean, it was crazy lit.
Yeah, daddy. Look at me. Check this out.
Mm-mm!
It was the greatest dance of my life.
I was on top of the world.
Ooh, my. Damn. Work that booty.
[ Laughs ]
So, it's like 20 minutes later,
and I'm just chillin' backstage,
and I'm still so excited
about all the money I just made.
And then the girl walks in and she's like...
You're in big trouble.
Bitch, what?
The manager wants to see you.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
I had no idea, like,
what I could possibly be in trouble for.
Money, money, money, boobs.
Money, money... Yeah, man, whatever.
Amber.
We've been waiting for you.
Where's the ring, Amber?
I'm sorry. What ring?
You stole my ring and major bling.
Now it's time for you to sing.
People always think I'm, like, a bad person
because the whole blond, stripper, buzz-cut situation.
But, honestly, I'm a sweetheart.
I don't lie, I don't cheat, and I damn sure don't steal.
I would never do that, I swear.
I'm not that type of girl.
There's only three places that ring could be --
on the stage, in your bag backstage, or...
Also, it could...
Well, I guess those are the only two places.
Listen, Amber, the ring is missing.
You're a stripper.
Clearly, that's the only logical explanation here.
Now let's go search your bag for it.
I'm telling you -- I would never.
Shh. Shh. Austin, back me up.
[ Scoffs ] Girl, I'm Dallas.
That's Austin.
But, Dallas, girl, you believe me, right?
I never trusted you, Amber...
if that's your real name.
I mean, I, like, didn't see you do it,
but also, like, didn't see you not do it.
So, like, what I'm trying to say is --
you basically could have done it,
but nobody really knows.
I can't believe it.
Not one girl is sticking up for me.
And then I'm starting to think,
"What if I accidentally did put it in my bag?"
[ Clanking ]
But it wasn't in my bag.
And that's when things got really bad.
Girl, I know you took my ring.
Now, you best remember where you put it.
Or every dime you make for the next five years
is going toward replacing it.
You hear me?
I decided that I was not about to stay in a place
where people were accusing me of something that I didn't do.
I don't care if I got to live on the streets.
I'm getting the hell up out of this place.
I quit.
♪♪
Listen up, everybody.
I think I know the answer to the case of the missing ring.
♪♪
Terrence J.: It all started when we walked into the club.
It was approximately 9:30 p.m. when we arrived,
and I smelled that undeniable smell of the strip club --
80 kinds of perfume smell all together,
with sweat, shame.
Pretty sure all strip-club managers
manufacture the smell
and pump it in through the air vent.
But how would they coordinate that?
All strip clubs smell the same.
-Yeah. -That's not why we're here.
And that's not the smell I'm talking about.
The smell I'm talking about was the smell of the skin cream
of the dancer on that stage.
And that dancer happened to be Amber.
♪♪
I'm not done!
At this point, it's 10:30 p.m.
Champagne is flowing.
Dollar bills is flying around
like a [bleep]damn tornado.
All of a sudden, I start to feel,
like, a rumbly-tumbly in my stomach.
It was them greasy damn onion rings
we ate in the car on the way over.
And that sweet, succulent oil all over Big Tigger's fingers
allowed that ring to just slip right off
and fly across the stage.
The ring sailed like a ship through the cosmos,
passed our crew, and then gravity did its job.
Landed right by Amber.
Did Amber tell the truth or is she lying?
And now here it is, the mystery solved.
Was it Amber?
Did she take the ring?
[ Dramatic music plays ]
No, she didn't take the ring.
It landed in my shoe.
That stripper told the truth.
♪♪
You call me a liar in front of all these people
and put me through [bleep] hell.
And the whole time, it was in his boot?
Yo, yeah, I mean, it was in his boot.
[ Chuckles ] So, we cool?
[Bleep] no, we're not cool!
So, after some serious negotiations,
we figured out what he needed to do
in order for us to be "cool" again.
Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
I just want to take a minute to apologize to Miss Amber Rose.
It was my own stupidity that was to blame.
Mm-hmm.
So, yeah, uh, very, very sorry.
Love you, Amber. Peace.
So, Tigger was good.
All was forgiven.
But after that,
my night actually got way more interesting.
I love your hair this way.
That's what I'm [bleep] saying.
You are stunning.
I'm casting for a music video that shoots next week.
It's for Ludacris.
Any interest?
Say what?
You have a great look.
And, well, I saw what happened
and loved your attitude.
And my husband loves your ass.
Guilty!
Mm! But there is one catch.
Ugh! I knew it. What is it?
It's not local.
I mean, we'd fly you out, of course.
It's in Los Angeles.
Rose: And that's it.
That video was the beginning of everything.
Peace, Bronx.
♪♪
All the good that's happened in my career
started that night.
And the funny thing is --
the lady would have never noticed me
if all that crap hadn't gone down
with Tigger and Terrence J,
because my buzz cut is what made her approach me.
That was the story
of the last night of my stripper career.
The end.
[ Breathes deeply ]
[ Clears throat ]
Wow. That was one wild story.
Amber, big shout-out to you, sister.
[ Breathes deeply ]
[ Groans ]
Remember to clean up your, uh, chakras, kids.
Ommmm!
[ Humming ]
[ Coughing ]
I choked on a mosquito.
Let's call it a wrap on another episode
of the "Hollywood Puppet [bleep] Show."
Big thanks to my brother Lil Jon and the sweet Amber Rose.
Till next time, this is Wilmer Valderrama
reminding you that mosquitos are annoying as [bleep]
Can we get a citronella candle or something?