MY WIFE AND I BOND-- YOU MET MY WIFE BACKSTAGE GLI DLOVELY.
AND YOUR BABY.
>> MY LITTLE-- MY BABY.
>> Stephen: WELL, SMALL.
SHE WAS SMALL.
THAT WAS HER HEAD.
I WAS DOING HER HEAD.
HER HEAD IS VERY SMALL.
UNA.
>> UNA.
I FEEL LIKE-- I THINK THE MOST SPECIAL THING ABOUT MARRIAGE IS
JOKES, THAT YOU CAN SHARE JOKES WITH YOUR WIFE AND HUSBAND THAT
ARE FUNNY TO YOU AND THAT EXPRN NO ONE ELSE, OTHER THAN, MAYBE,
YOUR CAT.
BECAUSE WHEN YOU HAVE A CAT, YOUR BAROMETER FOR HUMOR, OUT
THE WINDOW.
LIKE-- LET ME EXPLAIN.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE THE CAT DOESN'T LAUGH AT YOUR JOKES?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
>> NO, THE CAT-- I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.
LAST SUMMER, MY WIFE AND I WENT ON A TRIP TO MASSACHUSETTS.
AND I CALLED IT CATS-A-CHOOSEETS, AND WAS NOT
FUNNY BUT IN OUR HOUSE WAS THE JOKE OF THE YEAR.
>> Stephen: DID YOU BRING YOUR CAT WITH YOU?
>> WE DID, WE DID.
>> Stephen: I GET IT.
>> LITERALLY, THAT WAS LIKE I SAID, WE'RE GOING TO
CATS-A-CHOOSET.
AND I WAS LIKE AAH!
AND MY WIFE WAS LIKE AAAH!
EVERYBODY LOVES A GOOD PUN WHEN YOU HAVE A CAT.
>> Stephen: YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY STICK WITH THIS WOMAN
BECAUSE SHE'S LAUGHING.
>> WE HAVE A VERY SPECIAL THING.
>> Stephen: SHE'S NOT OVER THERE RIGHT NOW.
YOU CAN KEEP LOOKING BUT SHE'S NOT ACTUALLY OVER THERE RIGHT
NOW.
>> SO WE DRIVE TO CATS-A-CHOOSEETS, AND WHEN WE
ARRIVED-- SEE, NOW YOU'RE GETTING IT.
>> Stephen: I'M THERE.
>> NOW WE'RE STARTING TO HAVE THIS BOND.
>> SO WE DRIVE TO CATS-A-CHOOSEETS AND MY WIFE HAS
A HEADACHE AND SHE ASKED FIWOULD ACCLIMATE OUR CAT TO THE BEDROOM
-- >> DO WHAT.
>> ACCLIMATE OUR CAT IVAN TO THE BEDROOM.
>> Stephen: JUST PUT THE CAT IN THE A BEDROOM.
>> YOU'RE CLEARLY NOT A CAT -- >> I HAD A CAT.
I HAD SEVERAL CATS.
I DIDN'T ACCLIMATE MY CAT.
I'M AN AKA-LA-CAT.
>> IF IT'S AN INDOOR CAT, IF YOU DON'T ACCLIMATE IT, IT WILL JUST
EXPLODE.
>> Stephen: THEY DEPRESSURIZE.
THEY DEPRESSURE EYES, YES.
>> SO I'M ACCLIMATING IVAN TO THE BEDROOM, AND I FALL ASLEEP,
WHICH IS THE ONLY THING YOU CAN'T DO WHEN ACCLIMATING AN
INDOOR CAT.
I FALL ASLEEP-- ( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: WHY-- WHY CAN'T YOU-- WHY CAN'T YOU ACCLIMATE
A-- WHY CAN'T YOU FALL ASLEEP?
DO THEY JUST GO STRAIGHT FOR YOUR EYES WHILE THEY'RE
SLEEPING?
WHY CAN'T YOU FALL ASLEEP?
>> IF I LEANED IN AS MUCH AS YOU'RE LEANING IN RIGHT NOW --
>> YOU'D BE THE HOST.
>> WE'D BE KISSING.
>> Stephen: I'M REALLY CURIOUS ABOUT THIS.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS WITH DOGS, YOU KNOW.
>> NO, NO.
NO, SO-- WAIT, SO YOU'RE ASKING WHY DO YOU HAVE TO --
>> WHY DO YOU HAVE TO STAY WEAK WHEN YOU'RE ACCLIMATING A CAT?
>> TO MAKE SURE THEY DON'T GET OUT, BECAUSE THEY'RE TRYING TO
GET OUT.
>> Stephen: CLOSE THE DOOR!
CLOSE THE DOOR!
YOU'RE MAKING THIS MORE COMPLICATED THAN IT HAS TO BE.
ACCLIMATE THE CAT!
PUT THE CAT IN-- >> DON'T GET MAD AT ME!
>> Stephen: I'M NOT MAD-- >> WE JUST MET!
WHY ARE YOU GETTING MAD AT ME.
>> Stephen: I THINK YOUR WIFE JUST WANT WANTS SOME ALONE TIME.
>> SHE DOES.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE IN THERE WITH THE CAT?
>> I COME OUT AND IVAN GOT OUT.
I RAN AROUND THE HOUSE, HE GOT OUT, HE WAS IN THE BASEMENT.
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
THE POINT, IS WE WERE STAYING AT THIS HOUSE IN WESTERN MASS., AND
THERE WERE MICE IN THE HOUSE, AND THEY WERE PARASITIC MICE.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
>> OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF TOXO PLAS
MOASIS.
IT MEANS THEY HAVE A PARASITE IN THEM.
>> Stephen: OR THEY HAVE A PARASITE IN THEM.
THEY'RE NOT PARASITIC MICE.
THEY DON'T LATCH ON TO YOU LIKE A LEACH AND YOU HAVE TO PICK
THEM OFF WITH A HOT MATCH OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
THAT'S WHAT PARASITIC MICE SOUND LIKE.
>> THEY HAVE A PARASITE IN THEM AND THEY WANT IT TO BE IN YOU.
>> Stephen: THE MICE DO NOT.
>> I SWEAR TO GOD.
>> Stephen: MICE DON'T KNOW.
>> YOU NEED TO RESEARCH THIS, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: YES.
>> SO THEY'RE UNAFRAID OF CATS AND THEY'RE UNAFRAID OF PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: WAIT, THEY'RE UNAFRAID.
>> I SWEAR, MY WIFE WAS WATCHING TV ON THE COACH, AND SHE LOOKED
NEXT TO HER AND THERE WAS A MOUSE AND HE WAS WATCHING TV
ALSO.
AND SHE SCREAMED, AND HE JUST LOOKED UP AT HER LIKE STUART
LITTLE.
LIKE, "HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?
I DON'T LIKE THIS SHOW EITHER.
I DON'T KNOW WHY ALL THOSE WOMEN WOULD WANT TO MARRY THAT ONE
GUY."
AND SHE PUSHED HIM OFF THE COACH.
>> Stephen: JUST PUSHED HIM OFF.
JUST PUSHED HIM OFF.
>> YOU KNOW, JUST KIND OF SWATTED HIM OFF.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> AND HE DIDN'T EVEN RUN AWAY.
HE-- HE DIDN'T EVEN SCURRY, WHICH IS A VERB INVENTED FOR
MICE.
( LAUGHTER ) HE JUST WALKED THROUGH THE
KITCHEN LIKE A ROOMMATE.
HE WAS LIKE, "FINE, I'LL GO IN THE OTHER ROOM.
I JUST THINK YOU'RE OVER-REACTING."
THEN HE DID A CONFESSIONAL INTO THE MOUSE-CAM IN THE KITCHEN.
HE'S LIKE, "I'M NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS.
I WAS HERE BEFORE THEY CAME.
I'LL BE HE WERE WHEN THEY'RE GONE."
THAT'S FROM "REAL MOUSE WIVES OF CATS-A-CHOOSEETS.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MOUSE WAS?
HE WAS ACCLIMATED.
( LAUGHTER ) MIKE, CONGRATULATIONS ON THE NEW
SHOW.
>> THANK YOU!
>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME ON.
IT WAS SUCH AN HONOR.
THE SHOW IS CALLED "THANK GOD FOR JOKES."
THIS MAN KNOWS HOW TO ACCLIMATE A CAT.
WHAT?
WE COULD HAVE STOPPED.
I DON'T WANT TO STOP.
BUT EVENTUALLY WE HAVE TO DO THE COMMERCIALS.
YOU HAVE SOMETHING MORE TO SAY.
I'M HAPPY TO HEAR.
>> WE EXTENDED THROUGH MAY.
>> Stephen: YOU EXTENDED THROUGH MAY!
>> IT WAS GOING TO BE SIX WEEKS --
>> IST SAYS RIGHT THERE.
THROUGH MAY 29.
IT'S NEVER ENDING.
THE THEATER IS ACCLIMATED TO HIM NOW, MIKE BIRBIGLIA, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.