Let's begin with some shocking news about the 2024
presidential election.
It turns out that the guy who has spent his whole life
wanting to be president now wants
to continue being president.
We do have real breaking news this morning,
as President Biden is officially announcing
he is running for re-election.
The President launched his campaign
with a video that took aim at Republicans
over abortion, social security, and culture wars.
When I ran for president four years ago,
I said we're in a battle for the soul of America,
and we still are.
This is not a time to be complacent.
That's why I'm running for re-election.
That's right.
Joe Biden is running for re-election.
Well, not running, exactly.
The man is 80 years old.
Let's say he's stair-lifting for re-election.
If Joe Biden--
[laughs]
Aw.
If Joe Biden does win, he would be
86 years old when he reaches the end of his second term--
hopefully.
Which is one reason why 70% of Americans
don't think he should run again.
And to be fair, 86 is old, not just for a president,
but for any job.
If my Lyft driver rolled up and was 86 years old, I'd be like,
do you need help getting home?
[laughter]
But I don't know.
Maybe it would be good to have an old man president.
If the economy collapses, he could
just find a neverending supply of quarters behind your ear.
But there is one thing Joe Biden has going for him--
Donald Trump.
Shockingly, polls show that most people
don't want him to run either.
And in Trump's case, it's only partly about his age.
It's also about his tendency to steal
stuff, like classified documents and the election.
Not to mention this guy is in court every other week--
hush money, tax money.
He has a new trial starting in New York today,
and you barely even knew about it.
Trump is in so many different types of legal trouble,
he could be in every spinoff of Law and Order.
[laughter]
The guy's goin' for a crime EGOT.
So those are America's choices--
a guy who's in his 80th year of life
and a guy who's facing 80 years to life.
[laughter]
[cheering, applause]
It sucks, but unfortunately, America only has two people.
Although there is one other person who suddenly has
a lot of time on his hands--
Tucker Carlson.
[cheering]
Yeah.
Yesterday, Carlson got fired from his job at Fox News,
and it was a huge surprise to everyone, including Tucker.
Apparently, they only told him 10 minutes before announcing
it publicly, which is so cold!
And that's barely enough time to pack
up all his Nazi memorabilia.
Not to mention he was Fox's most popular anchor,
and they still fired him.
That'd be like if MSNBC fired--
well, imagine if there was a show people watched on MSNBC.
It would be like firing them.
And look, I know people love making fun of Tucker,
but just put yourself in his shoes.
Say you're this massive piece of shit with no real friends,
and you got to giggle like a Tickle Me Elmo,
and a dumb floppy haircut, and you always
have your mouth hanging open, like you're drying your teeth.
I forgot where I was going with this.
Oh, uh, Tucker's an asshole.
Now, we still don't know exactly what got Tucker fired.
Maybe it was election lies that cost Fox News $787 million.
Maybe it was insulting his bosses in private text.
Maybe it was his overall vibe of creepy dad
driving the babysitter home.
Or maybe it was this.
REPORTER: The Daily Beast reports
that Tucker's repeated use of the C-word
was a key factor in his demise.
According to text messages from the Dominion lawsuit,
Tucker referred to Trump lawyer Sidney Powell as the C-word,
and a former producer at his show
alleges she heard the word around the office constantly.
Female politicians who came on the show were mocked.
There were debates about who they'd rather sleep with.
C-word, all the time.
They use the C-word all the time?
Like, how do you use the C-word at the office all the time?
Oh, Susan's taking lunch orders.
Uh, tell that [bleep] I'll just have a [bleep] salad.
Hold the [bleep].
You know what-- do you want to share a [bleep]??
[laughter]
For the audience at home, I know that just got bleeped.
I just said the word, [bleep].
[cheering, applause]
But you know what? You know what?
It's OK.
Tucker's allowed to say the C-word, because he is one.
But enough about the vaccine-skeptical white guy
facing a sudden career move.
Let's talk about Aaron Rodgers.
After 18 years playing for the Green Bay Packers,
Rodgers has decided to change teams.
And because he's Aaron Rodgers, he did it
in the weirdest way possible.
Big news from the NFL--
four-time MVP Aaron Rodgers is packing his bags from Green
Bay to join the New York Jets.
REPORTER: Last year, a down year by Rodgers' standards.
The team missed the playoffs.
And if you saw Rodgers walk off the field
after the regular season finale,
you might have thought that was it for his career.
But then, in the off season, he went
on a darkness meditation retreat
to contemplate his future.
He says he was leaning toward retirement when he went in.
He decided he wanted to play for the Jets when he came out.
Yeah, Aaron Rodgers is like, I no longer fear darkness.
Train me to the Jets.
[laughter, applause]
So yes, Aaron Rodgers decided to go to the Jets
after spending four days in complete darkness,
which, first of all, you can just close your eyes.
But also, this guy does ayahuasca.
And I got to say, I don't think it's working.
Imagine taking a substance that opens your mind to the deepest
mysteries of the universe, and you come out going, whoa,
I should do the same job but in a different city.
It seems like such a waste of time.
He's doing all this weird stuff.
His poor brain is probably like,
can we just go back to concussions?
And speaking of illegal drugs, let's
move on to our final story--
the battle over abortion pills.
Two weeks ago, a judge in Texas banned the abortion pill
nationwide for safety reasons.
Because even though women have used it
safely for over two decades, he's a man, and I guess
he just knows better.
Now, thank god, the Supreme Court
has temporarily halted that decision,
at least until Clarence Thomas comes back from
his all-expenses-paid cruise.
But that doesn't stop individual states
from enacting their own bans, and over a dozen states
already have, including Wyoming, which
bans both mifepristone and a second abortion
pill, misoprostol.
But we looked into it, and it turns out
it's not a ban for everyone.
You can still get misoprostol in Wyoming
as long as you're a dog.
Or a cat, or a horse.
Because veterinarians in Wyoming
can still prescribe the pill for animals, which means
if you're a woman in Wyoming, whose
rights are being restricted, you
might need to get creative.
Shh.
Good girl.
I'm your mommy.
Hi.
You must be Desi.
Thank you so much for seeing me.
Her.
My girl.
Waffles.
VET: Of course.
And what can we do for Waffles today?
Waffles was wondering if you could write a prescription
for the abortion pill.
OK.
When did your dog become pregnant?
[vomits]
Um, two weeks ago, apparently.
Thank you.
Uh, it's just not really a great time for her.
You know, she's really trying to focus on her career.
VET: Oh, I see.
And what does she do for a living?
She's a sled dog.
VET: She's a sled dog.
Yeah, and she's also a bomb-sniffing dog.
And as you know, pregnancy really messes
with the olfactory organs.
No, that's not a thing.
But mostly, she's a therapy dog.
Aren't you, Ruffles?
I thought you said her name was Waffles.
It's just so crazy that this would
happen right now, because she always uses protection.
Oh, you mean she's fenced in?
Oh, she's fenced in all right.
It's like Rikers down there.
Jesus.
Dogs are so expensive!
Do you know how expensive dogs are?
I do.
I'm actually a veterinarian.
There's dog food.
There's doggy daycare.
There's doggy taekwondo lessons.
There's doggy diapers, and then there's doggy college,
and that's just the first 18 years.
Most dogs don't live that long.
She already has two puppies at home,
and they are sucking the life out of her, quite literally.
And this is her [bleep] decision!
This is her decision!
And that's why these pills exist.
So please give her the pills.
Please, and thank you.
Did I say, please?
It's OK.
She doesn't have to explain herself.
We can prescribe abortion pills for your--
dog.
OK.
Thank you.
Hey!
That's my dog.
So sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Anyways.
Since I'm here, could you prescribe an abortion
pill, you know, for my dog?
Yeah.
What's your name?
I mean, her name?
[laughter]