Merry Christmas From my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘We don’t want any’
This festive season we’ve gone a slightly different route.
Yes it’s Jaws The Revenge, the film of which Roy Schneider said ‘Satan himself could not get me to do to Jaws Part 4’,
and of which Michael Caine said,,,
‘You been to the Bahamas before?’
'No.'
Me neither, sign me up.
‘Two Bahama Mama's please’
Okay. Now, when we reviewed Jaws 3D....
'I learnt my lesson, no more Jaws sequels. Particularly those featuring revenge'
And I meant it, but – it’s set at Christmas, this is almost too perfect.
'It's Christmas Eve, we're working overtime because of you!'
So, Sean Brody has picked up where his father left off in the police
and is called out to dislodge a log from under a buoy, as the guy on duty is unavailable.
‘Where’s Lenny?’
‘Out to Ben Masters place. Cow-tipping’
and…
Oh no, it’s pushed your arm inside your jacket.
‘What the hell are you talking about?’
Ellen Brody – Lorraine Gary returning one last time – has a theory which she confides to her other son, Michael.
‘It came for him’
‘What?’
'It waited all this time and it came for him.'
I think Michael speaks for all of us there.
‘You can’t believe that voodoo, sharks don’t commit murder, they don’t pick out a person’
Good idea, get the audience thinking about the massive problem undermining your basic premise.
‘It’s not food he’s after’
It’s Revenge!
‘She’s got the idea the shark that killed Martin and Sean is following the family’
Why stop there? It’s not going to just hang around waiting, it clearly thought...
well he’s in the police, if I interfere with a marker buoy, he’s got to come out to fix it.
Oh but wait; Lenny’s on duty tonight.
‘Cow tipping?’
I’ll wager if someone looks into it, they’ll find the shark was behind that as well.
‘The whole idea is preposterous’
Yeah, I’m the one being silly here.
'You're full of it man'
'We now relocate to the Bahamas where Michael works with his unobservant friend.
But it’s Michael the shark wants.
Why is there blood? No one got bit.
‘What’s wrong?’
Despite the shark, Michael continues his study into the habits of sea snails, because if he doesn’t, who will.
But…
Heeere’s Bruce!
‘I’m scared shitless’
Then stop going down. They’re sea snails, no one is ever going to care.
‘Ha, ha, ha, - That’s good Michael’
But now the shark’s tactics change.
And Michael’s wife raises a valid point...
‘You knew and you didn’t tell us?’
They didn’t tell anyone. While Schneider’s Chief Brody was desperate to warn people,
Michael keeps the presence of a dangerous animal a secret,
resulting in the death of a girl who is never mentioned again.
‘What the hell are you angry about?’
Now Ellen springs into action.
‘Come and get me you son of a bitch’
No idea what her plan is, but Michael, his co-researcher Jake, and the other Michael fly out to find her,
landing on the water, which goes badly...
‘Oh shit’
and with that, Michael headed back to his sun lounger.
'Hey, give me a hand here.'
What? I’ve got to do another scene? How did I survive that?
‘It wasn’t easy believe me’
Well as long as it wasn’t easy, I have no follow-up questions about that, or about this...
‘ROAR’
Yes, it’s roaring. And yes, the roar comes from a Tom and Jerry cartoon.
‘ROAR’
Now Jake has a plan.
Now it really is personal.
'Smile you son of a...'
You were only supposed to blow the bloody jaws off.
‘I don’t think that’s funny’
If that looked confusing, that’s because the shark was originally supposed to be impaled on the boat.
Now they head back to mourn the death of…
'Jake?!'
'Michael, you got a minute?'
‘What the hell are you doing alive?’
You’ve got me, but I suppose it’s too late for the film to be anything other than ludicrous.
‘We got a big fish down here man’
I probably should have just listened to my own advice.
'I always listen to my feelings'
Thanks for watching
It gets harder and harder for us to come up with good films for these Christmas specials every year
So if you've got any suggestions, please let us know in the comments below. Thanks again for watching. Have a great Christmas
'No no no, hold it, hold it.'