AS YOU KNOW I'M A CATHOLIC, BUT I DON'T GET TO CHURCH MUCH THESE
DAYS BECAUSE THERE'S NO OMELETTE BAR.
( LAUGHTER ) AND ONE THING I MISS ABOUT
CHURCH IS CONFESSION.
SO IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'D LIKE TO CONFESS TO YOU, MY AUDIENCE.
YOU WON'T TELL ANYBODY, RIGHT?
>> AUDIENCE: OF COURSE NOT!
>> STEPHEN: GREAT.
THIS IS "STEPHEN COLBERT'S MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS!"
(OPENS DOOR) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: STANDARD
DISCLAIMER -- I DON'T KNOW IF THESE ARE TECHNICALLY SINS, BUT
I DO FEEL BAD ABOUT THEM.
OKAY, BE RIGHT BACK.
(CLOSES, OPENS DOOR) ( SOFT ORGAN MUSIC )
I USED A STARBUCKS BATHROOM WITHOUT BUYING ANYTHING.
AND I FEEL LIKE THEY OWE ME MONEY.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M FINE WITH THERE BEING NO
OSCAR HOST THIS YEAR, IF IT MAKES THE SHOW EVEN ONE SECOND
SHORTER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WHEN I POUR A GLASS OF WINE, I TRY TO LOOK SOPHISTICATED BY
SWIRLING IT UNDER MY NOSE AND TELLING IT ABOUT AN ARTICLE IN
THE "NEW YORKER."
( LAUGHTER ) I JUST DON'T THINK YOU CAN
PROJECT AUTHORIAL INTENT ONTO SALINGER'S UNPUBLISHED WORK.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW YOU GO LIVE IN MY BELLY!
( LAUGHTER ) MMM, MMM...
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I CAN'T SEEM TO MEMORIZE MY
KIDS' CELL PHONE NUMBERS, BUT ON MY DEATH BED, I WILL STILL
REMEMBER: "800-5-8-8-2-3-HUNDRED,
EMPIRE.... TODAY."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( ORGAN MUSIC CONTINUING )
IF WE'RE HAVING A CONVERSATION, AND YOU CAN ONLY SEE HALF MY
FACE, CHANCES ARE MY OTHER EAR HAS AN EAR BUD IN IT PLAYING A
PODCAST.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THIS CONFESSION BROUGHT TO YOU BY STAMPS.COM.
( LAUGHTER ) I'VE DISCOVERED AN EIGHTH DEADLY
SIN, AND IT'S FANTASTIC.
( LAUGHTER ) AUDIENCE,
EVERYONE SAYS "THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM," BUT THEN
EVERYBODY FREAKS OUT WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA AT 8:00 A.M.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I HAVE ENOUGH CRUMBS IN MY KEYBOARD TO BREAD A MCNUGGET.
( LAUGHTER ) I HAVE VERY DRY SKIN.
IT'S NOT MINE.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ( LAUGHTER )
IT'S A PORK RIND.
( LAUGHTER ) CALL ME A VALENTINE'S DAY
TRADITIONALIST, BUT I JUST REALLY LIKE SHOOTING ARROWS AT
PEOPLE WHILE WEARING A DIAPER.
( LAUGHTER ) FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE!
>> AUDIENCE: WE FORGIVE YOU!
>> STEPHEN: THANKS!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CHRIS PRATT.