Donald J. Trump,
former United States president
and the reason America will be paying for decades of therapy.
It has been five months since Trump
was indefinitely suspended from Facebook
for the minor infraction of
trying to overthrow the government.
I mean, who hasn't done that?
But today brought some new clarity on where
you will and won't be seeing Trump online going forward.
NEWSWOMAN: Decision day this morning in a Facebook faceoff
with the company's independent oversight board
upholding the decision to keep former President Donald Trump
off the platform, at least for now.
But the board, a kind of Supreme Court for Facebook,
says it's not appropriate for the company to just
make the ban indefinite, giving Facebook
six months to review its decision.
NEWSMAN: And Donald Trump already moving on from
the traditional social media sites ahead of the decision.
He's launched his own new blog called
From the Desk of Donald J. Trump.
The blog posts are formatted like tweets,
and include options for people to post the content
on other social media sites. People can sign up for alerts
so they know when the former president writes something.
Hold up.
This dude has been saying for months
that he is gonna create a whole new social media platform
to rival Twitter and Facebook,
and he just ended up making a blog?
And not just that, he's called the blog
From the Desk of Donald Trump?
When we know for a fact that he doesn't spend any time there.
I mean, you might as well call it
From the Juice Bar of Donald Trump.
But I get it. You know?
Trump had to do something to distract from the fact that
he lost his appeal to get back on Facebook.
Or, as he put it,
"We won this appeal in a landslide!
Everyone knows it. So many victories."
And look, I get why Facebook extended Trump's suspension.
But you have to admit,
it does seem pretty unfair to ban him from a website
that began as a way to rate women's looks.
Oh, and just as a side note, it's crazy that Facebook
even has a supreme court to make these decisions.
What's even crazier
is Mitch McConnell has already appointed four of its justices.
If you've got a court, well, I'm filling it. Baa...
But let's move on from Trump to another unpredictable threat
facing mankind, this one courtesy of China.
NEWSMAN: Scientists are tracking an out-of-control Chinese rocket
falling back to Earth. It could partially survive re-entry
into the atmosphere. The rocket launched last week,
and the boosters were supposed to fall into the ocean
but they fell into Earth's orbit.
That means the rocket parts, which are 98 feet long,
could fall to Earth any day now, landing anywhere
from New York to Beijing to New Zealand.
Experts say that this is really dangerous.
Keep in mind, this is 20 tons, and nothing heavier
than ten tons has ever fallen to Earth in 30 years.
That's right, people.
The last object this heavy
that fell to Earth from space was...
yo mama.
Oh!
But, seriously, though, are you kidding me, China?
You're telling me that after I spent a year inside,
hiding from coronavirus, now that I can finally go outside
I got to watch out for a rocket that could land on my head?
Yo, this is some Final Destination bullshit right here.
And, by the way, they keep calling this thing
a piece of a rocket. No, no, I'm sorry,
that's a missile, all right?
You don't get to call a missile a rocket
just because you said "oops" first.
And, look, hopefully, hopefully all of this will turn out okay
and this thing will fall safely into the ocean.
Although, I mean, that's just my perspective.
I'm pretty sure somewhere out there there's a dolphin
that's probably thinking the exact opposite.
But, of course, the main threat to the planet
is still the coronavirus pandemic.
Now, in a sign of progress, President Biden announced
a new goal of getting 70% of American adults
vaccinated with at least one shot by the Fourth of July.
Which is a pretty ambitious goal.
I mean, if Biden wants to get 70%,
forget releasing fireworks, he's got to release Major.
You can celebrate freedom from corona
or freedom from your fingers.
Your choice, America.
So if Biden gets his wish, the worst of the pandemic
may soon be behind us in America.
But what's also clear is that the impact of the pandemic
is gonna stay with us for a really long time.
It is so long to snow days for New York City students.
The Department of Education released the 2021-2022
school calendar year, and the DoE says that it will now
keep two practices from last year-- during severe weather,
students will shift to remote learning
instead of cancelling school,
and Election Day will also be a remote instruction day.
Everybody remembers those snow days when they were
a little kid. You go outside. You know,
have fun in the snow, whatnot.
You can't expect us to be in there on-on the screen
all the time. That's just a little, uh, outrageous, now.
That's right, kids.
The bad news is snow days are over.
The good news is, thanks to climate change,
soon there won't be any more snow!
Yeah!
Oh, that's not a good thing?
Honestly, I always thought it was strange
that kids in America got snow days in the first place.
I mean, that didn't make any sense to me.
You're staying home because it's unsafe to go to school?
Have you been to an American school?
If the mass shooters don't get you, the asbestos will.
And not to mention, Amber is so mean all the time,
and I didn't do anything to her.
Like, why does she always say those things?