Welcome back to the show.
James Comey's flaming bag of October Surprise
kicked off an edifying week-long orgy
of media speculation, climaxing in this bombshell.
(CUOMO) Hillary Clinton getting a late
break in the final hours of this
campaign. The FBI director coming out
sending another letter to Congress.
This time he says we looked at all the
newly discovered emails, there is nothing
there
there will be no indictment of Hillary
Clinton based on the email scandal. The
cloud of suspicion, though, is still over her head
Oh for fuck's sake, you created the
cloud, don't let one off in our nation's
elevator and stand there saying who did
that, was it Hillary? This should have
been your first clue there was nothing there.
We can be sure that what is in
those emails is absolutely devastating
damn, Donald miss the mark so badly on
Clinton's emails, they could have been
one of his casinos. You want to talk
about emails instead of policy?
Fine, let's do it. Thanks to a heroic
transparency fetishist who refuses to
tell Swedish authorities whether or not
he raped someone,
we already know what Hillary staff used
emails for -- things like refusing to force
astronauts to listen to U2 and receiving
pointless tip-offs from Donna Brazile. Oh
really, Donna, someone at the Flint town
hall is going to ask about Flint? Great
use of a leak, dumb throat. But what about
Killary Lock-Her-Up Clinton's own emails ?We
looked, and about a million of them are just
Hillary and Huma emailing "you up?" to each
other
They clearly don't know what that means, which
makes me doubt Huma ever opened her
husband's laptop. We were a little
scandalized to learn that Hillary can't
use a printer and has her staff print
everything from articles on nuclear
weapons to AOL lifestyle pieces on
whether love can help you live longer --
oh, don't click on that one, its total
print bait. But what about shady emails
showing Hillary doing special favors for
people?
oh, we found them, like the one where
she saw a CNN story about a 10 year old
Yemeni girl who got divorced and asked her
staff, is there any way we can help her?
could we get her to the US for
counseling and education? typical Hillary,
still pandering to the child bride vote.
then there was the email from a doctor
in Haiti asking for desperately needed
medical supplies. Hillary makes it her
top priority to make sure he gets them
by the next morning.
Well, she makes her staff make it their
top priority. But as I tell my assistant
every day while she makes my children
breakfast,
that's the same thing. Thanks to
WikiLeaks we discover the real Hillary, a
somewhat tech vs workaholic who wants
people to have medicine and wants your
staff to print out this television show
for her large font please.
and now, here to perform her one-woman
show,
"Hillary's Emails: Yes, I Am Up," please
welcome Full Frontal's best new intern,
Sarah Paulson
one issue we must address Tuesday night,
the future of women in the Islamic world.
Here's my question: on this new berry, can
I get a smiley face?
I didn't know they were doing operations
in the conference room. Can we get some
details and promise new carpet?
Ae you up? Please print for me: Cook
stoves. Export Control. Visa reform. Please
try to get me a copy of the Human Rights
Watch report titled, "We Have the Promises
of the World: Women's Rights in
Afghanistan. Can you give me times for two TV
shows: Parks and Recreation and The Good
Wife? Gefilte fish: where are we on
this? Somalia famine. Is there a text
number for people to use to donate? I
could publicize in speech today. Also, if
you're around today, could you help me
with my ipad? Please print. Please print
in bigger print. Please print for me.
Please print. Thank you
Sarah Paulson, everyone
Best intern ever. We'll be right back.