It's the United Nations week, everybody.
-Are you guys excited? Yeah? -(applause and cheering)
Yeah!
Well, clearly, it's because you don't live in New York.
(laughter)
But the United Nations General Assembly
can be an exciting affair, right?
It's the only time all the leaders from around the world
come together to try and solve the world's problems as one.
It's also a time when they try
and throw diplomatic shade at each other,
which is so much fun to watch.
Because basically, what'll happen is,
one leader will say something crappy about another nation,
but there's always a delay for the translations.
You know, so it's like, someone will be like,
"The world cannot keep its eyes closed during this genocide.
"Well, I mean, maybe the Spanish can.
-They nap through everything." -(laughter)
"Oh!"
(laughter)
Now...
Now, the big event today was President Trump's first address
to the General Assembly, and expectations were high.
MAN: President Trump set to address
the U.N. General Assembly this morning.
CNN is told the president will deliver
a deeply philosophical address.
That is what The White House is calling it.
-Hmm. -(laughter)
"Trump" and "deeply philosophical" are two things
that I never thought I would hear in the same sentence.
Like, I can't imagine him being deeply philosophical.
(laughter)
(imitating Trump): I often ponder...
is there life... after death?
'Cause I'd really love to bang Marie Antoinette.
(laughter and groaning)
Ponder.
So, would the president be deeply philosophical,
or would he be Donald Trump?
Well, this morning, we finally find out.
We found out when he got up to speak
in front of his most diverse audience of all time.
Although, uh, Trump loves these foreigners
because they've already pre-booked their tickets home.
Now, President Trump's address
included many, many familiar themes.
You know, uh, how great he's doing as president,
how great the country's doing with him as president,
how much he's president,
did I mention he's president?
Oh, and military-- the military's getting $700 billion.
But the centerpiece for his speech
was introducing the United Nations
to the Trump doctrine.
As president of the United States,
I will always put America first.
Just like you, as the leaders of your countries,
will always, and should always,
put your countries first.
If we are to embrace the opportunities of the future
and overcome the present dangers together,
there can be no substitute for strong, sovereign
and independent nations.
The only way to grow together
is to grow apart.
It sounds like Donald Trump is trying to break up with the U.N.
without getting into a fight.
I love you.
I just don't love us.
And maybe in time we can make it work.
By the way, this is my fiancée, Russia.
(laughter)
Now, now, many more conventional foreign policy minds
may complain that this Trump doctrine
is effectively relinquishing American global leadership,
but there could be an upside.
In America, we do not seek to impose
our way of life on anyone.
We do not expect diverse countries
to share the same cultures, traditions
or even systems of government.
Wow, look at you, Donald.
Oh. Yeah, that's different.
And I know for many people
this-this stance may be disconcerting.
But from a global perspective, it is refreshing to see
an American leader who's not going to dictate to the world.
In fact, Donald Trump almost wants nothing
to do with the world.
It's like Trump looks at the globe,
and all he sees is a map full of Erics.
(like Trump): Nothing at all. Stay away from me.
(laughter)
So, Trump's new policy-- that was weird, by the way.
-(laughter) -So, Trump's new policy--
no interfering in how other countries are run,
unless he doesn't like how other countries are run.
The problem in Venezuela
is not that socialism has been poorly implemented,
but that socialism has been faithfully implemented.
We are prepared to take further action
if the government of Venezuela persists on its path to impose
(stammers): authoritaylian rule...
on the Venezuelan people.
(mock stammering): Nai-red it!
(laughter)
Few things are worse than slipping up on a word
when you're trying to be a badass.
Yeah, it's the reason Liam Neeson
never got his other daughter back.
(like Neeson): I have a panticular set of skill...
Sorry, particular set of...
No. You know what I was saying. What are you... Hey, I...
Why would I say "panticular"? Why would I say that?
"Panticular" is not even a word.
You know what? Wrong number. Keep her. Bye-bye.
But tongue-slip aside, that was a very quick trip
from "you do you" to "we do you."
And Trump didn't just threaten Venezuela.
He also called for sanctions on Cuba, uh,
an alliance against Iran,
a new regime in Syria.
But ever the showman,
he saved the end of the world for last.
The United States has great strength and patience,
but if it is forced to defend itself or its allies,
we will have no choice
but to totally destroy North Korea.
Rocket Man is on a suicide mission for himself
and for his regime.
Okay, I-I don't know what's more insane,
the fact that Donald Trump just stood in front
of the United Nations and threatened to wipe out
a country of 25 million people,
or the fact that he followed that up with "Rocket Man."
(laughter)
Like, you're gonna follow it up
with, like, a little catch phrase joke?
That's like walking into a crowded space,
pulling out a gun and being like, "Did I do that?"
Uh, yeah, you did.
You know, honestly, when you watched this address,
it felt less like a presidential address to the UN,
and more like an insult comic roasting the world.
In fact, if Trump didn't have power or nuclear weapons,
I think that would be a pretty dope show.
(drum beat)
The problem in Venezuela
is not that socialism has been poorly implemented,
but that socialism has been faithfully implemented.
The United States has stood against the corrupt,
destabilizing regime in Cuba.
The criminal regime of Bashar al-Assad.
We will have no choice
but to totally destroy North Korea.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Boo.
Rocket Man.
(laughter)
(drum beat)