JON, I'M PRETTY EXCITED ABOUT OUR GUESTS TONIGHT LL COOL J.
>> Jon: MM-HMM!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: IT'S NOT JUST THE
LADIES WHO LOVES COOL JAMES.
EVERYBODY LOVES COOL JAMES OUT THERE.
I'M ALSO EXCITED BECAUSE TOMORROW NIGHT WE HAVE MR. TOM
HANKS ON THE SHOW.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE TALK ABOUT RELIGION FROM TIME
TO TIME ON THIS SHOW BECAUSE I'M HOPING TO GET THIS THEATER
RECOGNIZED AS A CHURCH FOR TAX PURPOSES.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I WAS INTERESTED IN THIS
STORY: THE DEFENSE DEPARTMENT RECENTLY EXPANDED ITS LIST OF
RECOGNIZED RELIGIONS FROM JUST OVER 100 TO 221.
SO THERE MAY NOT BE ATHEISTS IN FOXHOLES, BUT NOW THERE ARE
PAGANS, WICCANS, AND MEMBERS OF THE SCHWENKFELDER CHURCHES,
SCHWENKFELDERIANS, WHICH IS A CROSS BETWEEN AMISH AND JERRY
LEWIS.
"SCHWENKFELDERIAN!" THE LADY WITH THE SIG OOH OOH
DENHAGEN -- I DON'T SPEAK FLUENT LEWIS.
ONE OF THE MILITARY'S NEWEST RECOGNIZED FAITHS IS HUMANISM,
YOU CAN IDENTIFY HUMANISTS BY THEIR SYMBOL, THE HAPPY
HUMANIST!
SEEN HERE BEING ROBBED BY THE ARAMARK LOGO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TAKE MY WALLET!
I'VE GOT CHILDREN!
LOOK HOW HAPPY THIS GUY IS.
THERE IS NO GOD!
THE STARS BLINDLY RUN!
WE'LL NEVER SEE GRANDPA AGAIN!
( LAUGHTER ) NOW THEIR RELIGION, NOT MINE --
I KNOW GRANDPA'S WAITING FOR ME --
MY RELIGION HAS ALWAYS BEEN RECOGNIZED BY THE MILITARY --
CATHOLICISM.
BUT I DON'T PARTICIPATE IN ALL OF THE RICH TRADITIONS THAT I
SHOULD.
FOR INSTANCE, CONFESSION.
BUT I LIKE TO GET THINGS OFF MY CHEST.
SO, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'D LIKE TO CONFESS TO YOU, MY AUDIENCE.
YOU WON'T TELL ANYBODY, RIGHT?
>> AUDIENCE: OF COURSE NOT!
>> STEPHEN: GREAT.
THIS IS "STEPHEN COLBERT'S MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
STANDARD DISCLAIMER -- I DON'T KNOW IF THESE ARE TECHNICALLY
SINS, BUT I DO FEEL BAD ABOUT THEM.
OKAY, WAIT RIGHT THERE.
FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE.
WHEN I'M AT MCDONALDS, I ALWAYS CASUALLY SAY, "YOU KNOW WHAT?
THROW AN ORDER OF FRIES IN THERE!"
EVEN THOUGH I'D BEEN PLANNING ON FRIES ALL ALONG.
( LAUGHTER ) SOMETIMES, WHEN I "THROW MY
HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE I JUST DON'T CARE,"
I ACTUALLY CARE VERY DEEPLY.
( LAUGHTER ) AUDIENCE --
WHILE I WISH HER WELL, I DO NOT CARE ABOUT APRIL THE GIRAFFE.
( LAUGHTER ) JUST NEVER GOT INTO IT.
AUDIENCE, USUALLY, WHEN WE DO CONFESSIONS,
I COME UP WITH AN EXCUSE TO DRINK LIQUOR BACK HERE, BUT I
COULDN'T THINK OF ONE THIS WEEK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I HAVE NEVER FILLED OUT A
BIRTHDAY CARD ANYWHERE OTHER THAN THE BATHROOM OF THE
RESTAURANT WHERE WE'RE CELEBRATING YOUR BIRTHDAY.
( LAUGHTER ) AUDIENCE, YOU KNOW HOW ON
AIRPLANES, THEY HAVE THAT "SECURE YOUR OXYGEN MASK BEFORE
HELPING OTHERS" RULE?
I DON'T NEED TO BE TOLD THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
UNTIL I GOT MARRIED, I ONCE WENT 11 YEARS WITHOUT CHANGING MY
SHEETS.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) AT PARTIES, I'M A BIG FAN OF THE
IRISH GOODBYE.
BUT I'M AN EVEN BIGGER FAN OF THE IRISH HELLO-- WHEN YOU DON'T
EVEN SHOW UP.
( LAUGHTER ) FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE?
>> AUDIENCE: WE FORGIVE YOU!
>> STEPHEN: THANKS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH L.L.
COOL J.