- I got to do some international shows this year,
I performed in Japan for the first time,
(audience applauding) which was amazing.
I mean, I wasn't in Japan just for standup,
I was also modeling.
(audience laughing)
I wish that wasn't that funny.
(audience laughing)
But Japan, the Japanese are just,
they're better at being human,
can we admit that?
They're, you know, they're more polite,
they're better at design.
The Japanese toilet,
are you familiar with the Japanese toilet?
The Japanese took the most disgusting experience
of human existence and fixed it.
(audience laughing)
The Japanese toilet washes you, dries you, does your taxes.
(audience laughing)
And that is in a Tokyo Airport bathroom.
You leave a Japanese public restroom
cleaner than when you walked in.
(audience laughing)
You leave an American public restroom with PTSD.
(audience laughing) (upbeat music)
It's good to be here in New York, I love this city.
(audience applauding) It's a great city.
I have lived here 10 years.
I am originally from Indiana.
and I know what most of you're thinking, Indiana, Mafia.
(audience laughing)
But the fact of the matter is,
where I grew up there was something
very similar to the Mafia, 4-H.
(audience laughing)
You didn't mess...
There's different kind of pride where I'm from,
you know? It's not like,
"We're from New York, we're tough",
or, "We're from Texas, we like things big".
It's more like, "We're from Indiana
and we're going to move".
(audience applauding)
Get out of here.
Been a crazy year for me, crazy year.
I don't know if you know,
in April it was discovered my wife had a brain tumor.
I'm not even making this up.
It was removed, she's great.
Everything's good.
(audience applauding) Thank you.
I didn't remove it.
I was in the other room soiling myself, but.
But the tumor is gone,
along with my ability to ever win another argument.
(audience laughing)
It's not like I was winning a lot before but,
now I'm retired.
(audience laughing)
And luckily my wife's not the type to bring it up.
Well once she did, she was like,
"You know I did have brain surgery",
and I couldn't be like, "Yeah that was like a month ago.
(audience laughing)
It's time to move on". You know?
"What about my seasonal allergies?"
(audience laughing)
We all have our cross to bear.
(audience laughing)
It was crazy.
You know the surgeon told me the tumor
was the size of a pear.
Which is scary, but also confusing.
I was like, "Did he go to med school or a farmer's market?"
(audience laughing)
But tumors are often compared to fruit.
A pear, a lemon, a grapefruit.
Interesting fact, worst tumor, grapefruit;
Worst fruit, grapefruit.
(audience laughing)
When you think about it,
grapefruit looks more like a tumor than a fruit.
I almost feel sorry for grapefruit.
"Yeah, we can't win". You know?
"We're already the worst fruit,
now we're compared to the worst tumor.
Well at least we help old people poop."
(audience laughing)
That is the worst impression of a grapefruit ever.
(audience laughing)
People with glasses here,
I trust people with glasses, don't you?
(audience clapping) It's like, "Well that's Ken.
He's got glasses".
But if you're wearing your glasses like this,
(audience laughing)
get away from them!
(audience laughing)
Would you ever take directions
from someone who looks like us?
(audience laughing)
"Where do you got to go?
44th Street. Well why don't we take my spaceship.
(audience laughing)
Yeah I have to pick up Santa Clause anyway."
(audience laughing)
The only advantage of wearing glasses
is you can do that dramatic removal.
You ever see that?
"My God.
(audience applauding)
Holy mother of God.
I can't see a thing.
I am absolutely blind without these.
It's probably why I wear them."
You ever notice when people are thinking in movies,
they're always chewing on the end of their glasses?
"If we give the alien accord..."
You know what they're really thinking?
"This tastes like wax."
(audience laughing)
I mean, sharing a meal with someone, that's intimacy.
That's why it was called, "The Last Supper",
and not the last meeting.
You know? Jesus was trying to get 12 other guys together,
you know, there had to be food there.
You know, like, you know, Jesus was like
"Tomorrow night I want to get everyone together".
You know there was one apostle like,
"Is there going to be food there?".
(audience laughing)
"Yes, there'll be food."
"Are we talking the appetizers or entree's?",
"It'll be a supper."
"So casual, I could wear a robe?.
"Are you going to wear a robe?
I'll wear a robe if you wear a robe."
Jesus, he was in good shape, right?
Jesus was in amazing shape,
especially considering he could multiply bread
whenever he wanted.
Just like boom, pretzel bread. You know?
The Bible doesn't really specify what type of bread it was.
Imagine it was pretzel bread, right?
It was like boom, pretzel bread. Boom, garlic nuts.
(audience laughing)
Like if right now I multiply garlic nuts up here,
you guys would be like, "Maybe he is God".
(audience laughing)
I know religion jokes make some people uncomfortable,
especially the ones going to hell.
(audience laughing)
You ever get a phone call?
That's annoying, right?
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
You better be calling to tell me your hands are chopped off.
(audience laughing)
It's like, "I just wanted to hear your voice Daddy".
(audience laughing)
Buy my CD, right?
(audience laughing)
I'm mostly healthy.
I worked out today, I know I don't need to.
(audience laughing)
When I'm home in New York City,
I work out at the Chinatown YMCA.
And I realize when people hear the Chinatown YMCA,
they think, "Oh that's not
like a serious place to work out".
And it's not.
(audience laughing)
It's not at all,
it's mostly little kids learning how to swim
and really old Chinese people with their parents.
(audience laughing)
I didn't even know you could live to that age.
(audience laughing)
But I tell you, watching a 90 year old on an elliptical
really inspires me to die in my seventies.
(audience laughing)
It looks like a machine is eating someone's grandma.
(audience laughing)
But I love my Y.
You know, it's different from a normal health club,
there's never moments when you think,
"Oh my gosh, look at how much weight that guy's lifting".
It's more like, "Oh my gosh, that guy's smoking
(audience laughing)
on a treadmill in dress pants".
It's very business casual.
(audience laughing)
Sure my Y doesn't have some of the amenities,
but it also doesn't have
the normal health club distractions.
I don't have to deal with loud music
or people that are in shape.
(audience laughing)
I walk around my Y and I'm like,
"You know what? I'm doing okay.
(audience laughing)
Maybe I should teach a class".
(audience laughing)
"Hi, welcome to Advanced Elliptical.
Doesn't matter if you don't have workout clothes on,
we're not going to be raising our heart rate.
(audience laughing)
So let's step on, pick a show
and think about what we're going to eat.
(audience laughing) Okay.
Who's having a burger? Huh?
Let's practice eating fries."
(audience laughing)
I'm ignored at my Y.
I'm ignored at all health clubs.
Like when I walk into a fitness area,
even in a hotel, people always look at me like,
"I didn't know they served food here".
(audience laughing)
The only people that approach me are personal trainers.
They're like, "You looking for a personal trainer?",
"Uh no", "You should be".
(audience laughing)
So I've gotten to the point,
if I'm approached by a personal trainer
I just act like they're hitting on me.
They're like, "Hey, how you doing?",
"I'm married".
(audience laughing)
"I don't think you understand",
"I understand perfectly.
You want to get with me,
but I'm taken. So you can look, but no touchy".
(audience laughing)
I love watching movies.
Did you ever run a movie that was released a while ago
and you enjoy it, but there's kind of that awkwardness,
'cause you can't talk about it with anyone.
You're like, "Hey, I just saw, 'Heat'".
(audience laughing)
"'Heat', I saw that six years ago".
"I want to talk about it now."
(audience laughing)
"No loser."
(audience laughing)
You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book?
They're always so condescending,
"Ah, the book was much better than the movie".
"Oh, really? What I enjoyed about the movie, no reading.
(audience laughing)
It only took two hours and then I could take a nap."
I'm too lazy. You ever read an article
and at the bottom it says, "Continued on page six"?
I'm like, "Not for me.
(audience laughing)
I'm done, you know?
Why don't you stop bossing me around?".
Then I finally get to page six,
I can't even remember what I was reading.
(audience laughing)
You ever read the ending to a different article?
"Al Gore is running from a waterfall?"
(audience laughing)
You ever read a book that changed your life?
Me neither.
I don't have the attention...
Every now and then I'll read a book,
I'll be so proud of myself,
I'll try and squeeze it into conversation.
People are like, "Hey Jim, how you doing?",
"I read a book! 450 pages!"
"That's great, what was it about?",
"No idea.
(audience laughing)
It took me two years".
You ever buy a book and not read it?
You feel almost guilty having it on a bookshelf, don't you?
People are like, "Hey, how is that book?"
"I haven't read it."
(audience laughing)
"Did you just buy it?"
"I've had it since high school."
(audience laughing)
"Well can I borrow it?" "No."
(audience laughing)
I do enjoy traveling to other countries,
seeing how different, but essentially similar we all are.
Like the UK is not that different from the US.
You know, if anything, you go over there
and it seems like British people
are trying to be different from Americans.
They're like,
"Oh you drive on the right side of the road,
then we're going drive on the left side of the road".
(audience laughing)
"Oh you call your mother mom,
then we're going to call our mum."
(audience laughing)
"Oh you call that a cookie,
then we're not going to the dentist."
(audience applauding)
I know that's true.
(audience applauding)
I did notice something when I was over there,
you know British people, they don't say,
"The", before hospital.
You ever notice that? They're like,
"Hospital, I was feeling not good so I went to hospital".
Whenever they would do that, I'd say, "Stop that,
that's wrong and weird".
(audience laughing)
Are you trying to sound like a polite caveman?
(audience laughing)
And I had a friend from London, he was like,
"What makes you think you are doing it properly?",
and I go, "'Cause I'm American
and we invented the English language".
(audience laughing)
It was a pet peeve of mine, so I did some research.
You know why British people don't say,
"The", before hospital?
'Cause they're dicks.
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
I know that sounds harsh, but admit it,
British people always talk to Americans
like we just walked into their jewelry store
with two full bags of garbage.
(audience laughing)
"Ugh. May I help you?
(audience laughing)
Are you lost?".
(mimicking groaning) (audience laughing)
Obviously I love the Britts
and I would never do those jokes there.
(audience laughing)
I have been lucky enough
to perform in the UK a couple times.
And one time I was walking through Piccadilly Circus,
which for the record is a horrible circus.
(audience laughing)
There's no animals.
And no, I was walking through Piccadilly Circus
and I saw they had an M&M store
and I looked at that M&M store
and it just made me think of
all the things the British have given the Americans.
Like our language, Shakespeare, the Magna Carta,
and I looked at the M&M store and I thought,
"Now we're even".
(audience laughing)
When I looked at the M&M store
I wasn't even embarrassed to be American,
I was ashamed to be human.
(audience laughing)
'Cause has anyone at any point in their life thought,
"When are they going to open an M&M store?".
Sure, I can buy M&Ms absolutely anywhere
but I like to buy in bulk
(audience laughing)
in a pro M&M environment.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)