Welcome Back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘What exactly will I be looking for? Floating space monster?’
This week we’re looking at The Phantom Planet.
‘This mysterious planet seems to come and go at such speeds that it’s impossible to track.’
Spaceships have been vanishing after encountering a giant honey-nut cluster in space that we’re calling a planet.
'A large planetoid size object is on a direct collision course with us.'
There’s only one man for the job.
‘I don’t know whether to flattered or not.’
Frank Chapman sets out to solve the mystery with navigator Ray.
‘I think we’ll make it’
I have a bad feeling about Ray.
Their ship breaks down, in what seems to be a bad space neighbourhood.
Or possibly the OK Corral.
Frank is hit and when Ray gets him back inside, the gravity, which has been noticeably present to this point, suddenly goes…
Ray has served his narrative purpose, we won’t be hearing from him again.
Frank meanwhile is caught in a tractor beam. and on the ‘planet’
It’s like Gulliver’s travels.
But not really. Frank extends the usual earth greeting to his hosts…
and is, quite reasonably I think, put on trial.
‘Bring in the jurors’
Next in the trial is the swimsuit round.
But wait, these people speak English.
‘Here we are able to speak all languages through tone waves.’
Yes, explaining that made it much more plausible.
‘This is not the time for explanations.’
It’s too late now. Frank is found guilty, which seems fair because he definitely is…
‘First I’m found guilty of something that wasn’t my fault and then I'm set free.’
He ran into my fist your honour.
He is sentenced to a B movie love triangle.
'We're talk on the way.'
Also he can’t go home.
‘But being here you cannot be permitted to leave.’
Should be pointed out, their tractor beam didn’t drag him here, it saved him from crashing.
‘We managed just in time to control your landing by releasing the pressure in the space warp.’
But that won’t stop Frank from being rude to his saviours .
'I don't get it.’
My initial problem with this film must already be obvious,
same as always; don’t like the hero, but there is more.
For starters, the fact that they’re tiny doesn’t affect anything and…
‘The oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size.’
More than that…
‘Why is Raton getting smaller?’
‘This planet is slowly using the up the energy that holds the electronic particles together.’
If the gaps between the particles were wider, surely you’d get bigger.
Fortunately Dark Corners’ scientific adviser has a Phd in chemistry.
Dad, could loss of energy make a planet shrink?
No.
I don’t care about the science.
I don’t the care about the science in context because again,
it doesn’t matter to the story.
‘You mean you might disintegrate into nothing?’
‘Yes, some day, but it will not be in our time’
Just thought I’d mention it.
What about the love triangle?
‘Well between the two it would be difficult to make a choice.’
Frank hangs out with Liara,
but prefers Zetha.
‘I like you’
Potential for drama, especially as 2nd in command Herron also likes Liara.
‘I am demanding your permission to challenge him to the duel.’
Poised between two disintegrating gravity plates.
Frank and Herron fight to the death.
'I don't want to kill you.'
Predictable, and afterwards Frank sets Liara straight.
‘I think you were waiting to see who won the duel and then take the one that was left over’
Yeah? Well I think if Zetha wasn’t around you’d have hooked up with Liara, who by the way you totally led on, you sanctimonious prick.
‘The siren means we’re being attacked’
Now the planet comes under attack from the solarites.
‘For generations they’ve been after our universal gravity control.’
Why?
‘Because they want to avoid being pulled into the sun.’
I feel like I might be on their side, especially since the one we meet is played by Richard Kiel.
Looking like a radioactive Bertie Bassett.
But, although he picks up a girl, as B movie aliens will.
He doesn’t hurt her.
Doesn’t do anything to her, except take her to the control room and wait for someone to come rescue her.
'Watch the plates!’
I’m sorry, you left the disintegrating gravity plates lying on the floor of the control room?
How many technicians are lost this way?
So here’s my problem; you’ve got the shrinking thing,
the love triangle (which is really square once you add Herron),
the solarite attack, the kiel solarite and Frank’s attempts to return home which he does.
'Now they will never believe me.'
And I can see how someone could string those bits into a single narrative, but no one has.
This is episodic in the worst way, practically none of these events effect each other.
And if that wasn’t enough.
'What then will the future reveal if this is only the begining.'
How many films had to end like this before someone said;
kinda stupid isn’t it?
'Alright, alright, take it easy.'
Thanks for watching. This was chosen by one of our Patreon Shadows, if you’d like to pick a film for us to review, join the Dark Cult here.
For me this comes under the heading ‘Capt Picard would have done it differently’
What other scifi movies show humans in a poor light? Let us know in the comments below.
'I know my love for you is so strong, but you have to go.'