( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: JON, A COUPLE THINKS
A COUPLE QUICK THINGS
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >>Stephen: WE'LL MAKE THIS QUICK
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >>Stephen: I'LL MAKE THIS QUICK.
FIRST OF ALL, I LIKE THE SWEATERCH THE PROGRESSION OF
COLOR ACROSS YOUR CHEST IS LIKE THE TURNING OF THE FALL LEAVES.
GOLD INTO ORANGE AND BROWN AND WINTER.
I LIKE IT.
>> Jon: EMBODY THE SPIRIT OF THE SEASON, BABY.
>> Stephen: SECOND, ONE OF THE THINGS I LOVE ABOUT THE SHOW
THAT WE DO HERE IS WE RUN THE GAMUT.
IT'S A VARIETY SHOW AND THAT GOES TO OUR GUESTS AS WELL.
TONIGHT WE HAVE WORLD TREASURE DAVID BYRNE IS GOING TO BE HERE
TONIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I WAS GOING TO SAY AMERICAN
TREASURE.
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: AND NOT ONLY THAT, HE IS INTERVIEWING AND
PERFORMING WITH THE CAST OF "AMERICAN UTOPIA"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND A FASCINATING WOMAN IN HER
OWN RIGHT, HUMA ABEDIN, IS GOING TO BE HERE TONIGHT.
WHO I KNOW PRIMARILY -- I KNOW PRIMARILY FROM HER WORK WITH HER
FORMER HUSBAND AND HILLARY CLINTON, AND THIS IS THE FIRST
TIME SHE'S EVER DONE LATE NIGHT, AND SHE'S GOT A NEW BOOK AND I
CANNOT WAIT TO FIND OUT ABOUT THE REAL WOMAN BEHIND ALL THE
STORIES.
STICK AROUND FOR THAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FOLKS, IF YOU KNOW ME, YOU KNOW
I LOVE LOVE.
BUT KIDS TODAY LOVE LOVE A LITTLE DIFFERENTLY THAN THEY DID
WHEN I WAS GROWING UP.
FROM THEIR TEXTING AND THEIR SNAPCHATTING, TO THEIR TINDERS
AND THEIR GRINDRS, THE WAY YOUNG PEOPLE COURT HAS CHANGED.
FOR INSTANCE: NO ONE UNDER THE AGE OF 70 SAYS "COURT" ANYMORE.
THE YOUTHS HAVE NEW TERMS FOR EVERY TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP, AND
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN MY AMOROUS SEGMENT:
♪♪ >> "ROMANSPLAINING WITH
STEPHEN COLBERT" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: IT'S FALL, WHICH APPARENTLY MEANS SOMETHING
CALLED "CUFFING SEASON" IS UPON US AGAIN.
I KNOW, I KNOW, ANOTHER NEW TERM FROM THE KIDS.
BELIEVE ME, I DIDN'T LIKE IT EITHER UNTIL I LOWKEY YEETED
MYSELF SO EXTRA THAT I WAS SNATCHED RIGHT UP MY CHEUGY.
NOW I'M A SUS ZADDY WHO'S ALWAYS SPILLIN' THE TEA, NO CAP.
EVIDENTLY, CUFFING IS WHEN "PEOPLE START TO GET INTO MORE
SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS, TYING SOMEONE DOWN INTO COMMITMENT, AT
LEAST UNTIL THE WEATHER HEATS UP AGAIN."
WHICH SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE JUST USING YOUR PARTNER TO KEEP WARM,
BUT IT'S STILL NOT AS BAD AS "TAUN-TAUNING," WHICH IS WHEN
YOU CATCH A CHILL, SO YOU CUT THEM OPEN AND CRAWL INSIDE THEIR
CARCASS UNTIL SPRING.
BUT SOME PEOPLE HAVE TROUBLE CUFFING A PROSPECT, AND THEN
FIND THEMSELVES IN SOMETHING THE KIDS ARE CALLING A
"SITUATIONSHIP," WHICH, I AM TOLD, IS "THE STATE OF CONFUSION
SURROUNDING A COUPLE WHO MAY BE SLEEPING TOGETHER, AND/OR HAVE
ROMANTIC FEELINGS TOWARDS EACH OTHER, BUT THEY AREN'T, IN FACT,
TOGETHER."
SO, KIDS, CONGRATS ON YET ANOTHER WAY TO CONFUSE GRANDPA
AT THANKSGIVING.
"SO, TELL ME ABOUT THE MAN IN YOUR LIFE.
OH, IT'S NOT LIKE THAT WITH DAVE?
HE'S JUST YOUR FRIEND?
BUT YOU HAVE 'RELATIONS?' SO, HE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND!
NO... BUT YOU LOVE HIM?
YOU DON'T USE THAT WORD...
YOU'RE TOGETHER BUT NOT 'TOGETHER' TOGETHER?
IS THIS A RIDDLE?
I KNOW THIS!
HE HAS TO TAKE THE FOX ACROSS THE RIVER SO THE CHICKEN WON'T
EAT THE GRAIN?
MARCIA, HELP ME, I'M HAVING A STROKE!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT THAT'S NOT EVEN THE MOST CONFUSING NEW ROMANTIC TERM,
BECAUSE NOW THERE'S "ROACHING," WHICH IS WHEN YOU HAVE A NEW
ROMANTIC PARTNER, AND YOU'RE "HIDING THE FACT THAT YOU'RE
SEEING MULTIPLE PEOPLE."
EVENTUALLY, YOU HAVE TO BREAK UP WITH YOUR COLONY OF LOVERS VIA
RAID ALL THIS ONLY MAKES ME REALIZE
JUST HOW MANY STILL-UNDEFINED RELATIONSHIPS THERE ARE OUT
THERE THAT HAVE NO NAME.
WELL, I AM HERE TO ROMANSPLAIN SOME OF THE MORE HYPER-SPECIFIC
RELATIONSHIP TYPES FOR YOU.
FOR INSTANCE, A "FI-YAWN-CE" IS WHEN YOU'RE ENGAGED TO SOMEONE
WHO WON'T STOP TALKING ABOUT CRYPTOCURRENCY.
SHE'S NOT GOING TO CARE ABOUT BLOCKCHAIN, NO MATTER HOW MANY
TIMES YOU TO EXPLAIN IT.
HEMS-WITH-BENEFITS IS WHEN YOU'RE DATING THE OTHER TWO
HEMSWORTH BROTHERS JUST SO YOU CAN GET TO CHRIS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE'S SETTLING-DOWNY.
THAT'S WHEN YOU MOVE IN TOGETHER BECAUSE HIS APARTMENT
HAS A WASHER-DRYER, BUT YOU'RE FREE TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE ON
NON-LAUNDRY DAYS.
AND FINALLY, YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF IN AN "EN-CAGE-MENT,"
WHEN YOU PLAN TO MARRY NICOLAS CAGE IF HE CAN STEAL THE
DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S IT FOR "ROMANSPLAINING
WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
JOIN ME NEXT TIME, WHEN I TELL YOU WHETHER WATCHING THE NEXT
EPISODE OF YOUR CURRENT NETFLIX BINGE WITHOUT YOUR PARTNER IS
CHEATING.
HERE'S A HINT: IT IS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH HUMA ABEDIN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪