Abandonment issues – what are they and what can you do about them? My name is Clayton
Olson. And in this video with Christina Louis, we talk about abandonment issues and how they
can wreak havoc on your dating and relationship, love life. We also talk about a maneuver that
you can make with your thinking that allows you to begin to break free from this pattern
and show up in a way where you can create a relationship that lasts with the right kind
of guy. What often people miss is that abandonment issues can actually have you choosing the
wrong types of men over and over again. Now if this is your first time to my channel,
I want to encourage you to subscribe because my aim here is to create content that is a
cut deeper than what's out there and empower you to be able to show up how you want to
show up in relationships and dating. And if you're a woman watching this video, I've got
a masterclass called The Three Keys To Attracting And Keeping A High Quality Man. It’s some
of the best content that I put out there and the link is below in this description. So,
without further ado enjoy the interview with Christina. I love that you touched on whatever
you're looking for, you're gonna find and whatever you're afraid of you're actually
going to create. Beautiful. Yes. In what ways do you see that playing out and sabotaging
women in relationships? Yes. Great question. Well there can be these different schemas
that we might have running from childhood within us. One very common schema that I see
that plays out, and both men and women, and I do a lot of work with women, so I see this
one pretty often is an Abandonment Schema. A schema of them feeling like they're not
actually worthy – not worthy of the love that they're wanting. What ends up happening
is because they've got an identity level story about who they think they are and whether
they think they're that they don't think they're worthy, they will look into their relationship
look out into their relationship and they'll sort for reasons and confirmation that they're
not actually worthy. There's a couple ways that this happens one of them is is that somebody
who doesn't feel worthy might end up picking a partner who knows that dance of perhaps
not giving the type of attention, not giving the type of a presence, and maybe half-assing
their way in the relationship, that then confirms to that woman like, “Yes. Look I'm not worthy.”
And you've picked a partner that doesn't actually have a lot of emotional skill and making you
feel worthy so it can happen right in the beginning of partner selection and it can
also happen within the relationship where perhaps your partner is loving, perhaps your
partner is trying to give you attention in their own language or their own way of communication,
but you're not seeing it. And you're seeing a tease are either as fake, inauthentic, or
try hard, or that they're doing it because you told them to and they don't really want
to do it, so therefore they feel obligated or you're thinking they're feeling obligated.
And this can be incredibly damaging because it's actually seeing the world then through
our own insecurities which just brings more of that certainty to us, which can drive people
out of our lives, and ultimately have us really disconnect from the most important people
in our life. Yes. I just want to empathize with any woman out there that's dealing with
that that's actually a schema that's very familiar to me that I've had to work through
for many, many years. My dad left when I was a little girl and so I had those abandonment
issues. I know exactly what you're talking about there Clayton. Like I was driving the
good guys away because they were like, “Whoa. What is going on?” and then I was drawn
to these guys that needed to be fixed or mothered that I could help. And then I would feel guilty
when I knew like this wasn't working for us. I would feel guilty about leaving the relationship
because I thought “Oh no. What are they gonna do without me?” And then that's a
whole other cycle. It's beautiful to be free and I just want to empathize with any of you
ladies that might be in that model right now. But let's talk about what it takes to make
a relate – like what does it take to make a relationship work? What are the secrets
to building a rock-solid relationship? I know a lot of the women in this audience are feeling
like they're giving too much and they're not getting enough back and they're just they're
trying and they're trying and they’re trying. And they want to model something different
for their kids but when they look around, what we see in the media and in the movies
and what our friends tell us we should and shouldn't be doing in relationships, it gets
often confusing. Help us clear that up please. Yes. Yes. It's a lot, right? There's a lot
going on. And so that I think the first step that comes to mind – as I hear you talking
about this is that number one, I just want to say this - about the abandonment schema
piece. It’s super common. It’s super common. And men have this as well. It's a way that
our child self creates a decision or makes a decision about us so that we can survive
situations in the past. And the step of being able to get out of this and to being able
to heal that is the first step is awareness and becoming present to it. So, to your point
if someone is in this cycle or they're wanting to create a healthy relationship and they're
wanting to get out of this world of perhaps insecurity and feeling like whatever you do
is not enough and there's no changing it into a world of feeling what? Appreciated. Respected.
Loved. Desired. Connected. Present. I think the first step is becoming aware of exactly
how this world is unfolding. What is it that's happening in the relationship that you are
not consenting to or that you don't want? And the question I would have then is where
is your part in creating that? So, what is it that you might be doing or how might you
be showing up that is actually allowing this thing to continually happen? How are you contributing
to it? And now, that is not to put blame on you. That is not to say that you're doing
something wrong or that it's your fault, it's to say that that's your responsibility. That
there is actually power and seeing that, “Wow. Wait a second. If this game that I'm not wanting
in my relationship that's unfolding me, feeling perhaps unimportant and underappreciated,
there's some way that I'm showing up that is perpetuating that. What is it that I'm
doing?” So, getting some awareness around that. And some examples might be around…
Yes. Examples. Because I really want to get into a few examples there to help everybody
understand. Yes. It could be boundaries. Where are you not drawing healthy boundaries and
staying connected to yourself in the relationship? Where are you give not from a place of generosity
but from a place of giving to get? That could be a game right there. That's a big one. Can
we just stop right there for a second? I mean we're taught to do that. As children, we’re
taught. “Well, if you do this for mommy, the mommy will give you candy. And if you
get an A, then we're gonna give you a reward.” It's everywhere. How do we recognize if we
are doing that and how do we stop and then what are we doing instead? Here's the thing,
one of the common occurrences that happens when I'm working with clients is we uncover
some of these games that they might be playing with themselves where they're giving to get
or perhaps they're choosing to see somebody as guilty rather than innocent that they love
– it's a guilty until proven innocent mentality. Sometimes when we uncover these games, what
I see happen is there's actually a lot of self-judgment and accusations towards self
that occur that just actually entrench the pattern. If you contact this pattern then
you're like, “Oh my God, now I feel bad. I can't believe I've been doing this. I hate
this part of myself,” that actually entrenches the pattern more. So when you recognize the
pattern, you recognize perhaps your contribution and creating the dynamic you don't want, it's
to start to realize that perhaps that pattern at some point in your life was completely
acceptable and maybe your only option to get out of a dangerous situation or understand
and make sense of the world around you. Typically, we get these relational patterns that are
destructive from our parents from watching our parents interact. And, perhaps interacting
with a wounded parent who's bringing their own wounds into raising us as children. So,
we then create a game that helps us survive that situation and then we get into an intimate
relationship and then it flares up and comes up there. If we can have compassion for that
child inside of us, we can have compassion for that old program. Realize that we only
did these things because we are trying to survive a situation that where we felt like
we had no other option. We can start to approach it with a little bit more curiosity then and
a little bit more openness. It’s to now release the old pattern from a place of love
and appreciation and understanding, and then beginning to construct, “Okay. Well, how
do I want to be in this relationship? I want to be generous. I want to be open. I want
to be able to give and not expect anything in return. What would I have to believe about
a relationship? What would I have to believe about myself? What would I have to believe
about my partner in order to give from a place of being truly generous and not expected anything
return? Maybe I'd have to believe that the relationship is actually a container and a
platform for me to become my best self and it's not about me getting something from them.
But maybe it's actually about me becoming something. Got it. Okay. What would I have
to believe about my partner in order to be able to give and not expect anything in return?
Maybe they have to believe that they're actually a really good person and that I trust my love
for them and that if they're doing anything that I don't understand or that feels hurtful
or activates my old like wounding, I can give them the benefit of the doubt. And I can say,
“Okay. Maybe they're just ignorant and this is an opportunity for me to actually be vulnerable
and express the impact and talk about possibility with them about what we could create together.”
So, what's happening here is there's an element of awareness, becoming aware of the pattern,
it's going to a place of self-compassion around the way that you may have been showing up.
It's beginning to create and understand the dynamic that the new dynamic that you're wanting
and it's getting really curious about like who would you have to be to show up that way
in the relationship? And now these are things that you can journal about. These are things
that you can really start to just ask yourself and free right and or you can also get somebody
to help guide you through this like a coach like yourself or me. Yes. And it's so valuable,
right? I mean, I think a lot of us, especially as women, are told we're supposed to figure
everything out on our own, and we should already be perfect by now, and we shouldn't ask for
how then we're supposed to be giving, giving, giving all the time. And seeing this connection
here, doesn't that feed the whole give to God because if I'm just giving and giving
and giving so there's just another reason to have compassion for yourselves if you do
find that you are one of us who gives to get sometimes or all the time. Understand that
you've been trained by this world to believe that you're supposed to figure everything
out on your own and you're supposed to take care of everybody else except for you, so
of course you're giving to get because you've got nothing to give in the first place. And
you're going under nurtured, right? Alright. I hope you got a lot of value from that video.
If you are looking to get in touch with Christina and you liked what she had to say, go ahead
and look in the description I've got all of her contact information in there. And again,
if you are a woman who's watching this video and you're really wanting to take your understanding
of this to the next level so that you can show up as a clean and clear powerful woman
who can attract a high quality man, again click on that link below in the description
to register for the master class – Three Keys To Attract And Keep A High Quality Man.
I'll see you in the next video.