A woman come in.
She goes, "doctor, do gerbils have
"individual fingerprints
"like human beings?"
Why?
Are you missing some woodchips?
(audience laughing)
Another one said, "what do you give
"a Great Dane with diarrhea?"
I said, plenty of room.
(audience laughing)
And then suddenly she goes, "how old
"should my dog be before I tell him
"he's adopted?"
(audience laughing)
I like to-- dog food and cat food--
feed my dog before I came here
Gaines-Burger liquid and that.
all beef, no soy, no fiber.
Looked at what I was eating--
all fiber, all soy, no beef.
I just switched plates with him.
And now we're selling gourmet cat
food.
When did cats become gourmets?
What kind of gourmet
coughs up a hair ball after he eats?
And we're selling beef-flavored cat
food, beef.
Cats evolved in the Mid East.
They never saw a cow.
Cow is one of their natural prey.
Anybody who has a cat can tell you
the flavors they like--
rodent, fish, bird, miller moth,
right?
Moth season is like Mardi Gras
for the cat in my house.
(audience laughing)
Not beef.
I don't get calls to say, Kev,
this is Tex over at the stockyards.
You're tabby just knocked
another steer downs dragging it home.
(audience laughing)
Being veterinarians, we're supposed
to not be afraid of any animal.
But I'm afraid of spiders
because they creep you out.
The way they move.
They got hair and saliva.
That's wrong.
A bug shouldn't have hair on it.
And now the pet stores are selling
big spiders--
hobo spiders and tarantulas.
Selling big wolf spiders.
This guy came to our practice
with this plastic shoebox.
This giant spider--
He goes, "be really careful.
"He got out a year ago.
"He bit my roommate in the face,
"and he had to have his head drained."
I was like, get a phonebook.
(audience laughing)
But that's not a practice builder
dropping a phone book
on your patient.
Even I can tell you that.
So I said, well, sir, what's
wrong with him?
He goes, "well, he's just not
"himself."
Not his perky spider self?
He called in late for work?
He goes, no, he hasn't eaten
in several weeks, and yesterday,
his leg fell off.
I was trying to think of some
learning to get him out of there,
right?
So didn't have to touch the thing.
So I said, it's been my experience
when the leg comes off,
they're obviously ill.
(audience laughing)
It sounded good, didn't it?
And I remember that the Museum
of Natural History
had old Dr. Licht, the spider
expert.
I said, go see Dr. Licht, the spider
guy.
He's going to help you.
The guy leaves about an hour later.
Licht calls me, "Dr. Fitzgerald,"
Dr. Licht.
Hey.
"Did you send Mr. Montgomery
"over here with this big spider?"
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
"Did you tell him, in your opinion,
"when the leg came off,
"they were obviously ill?"
Yes.
"If you would have taken time
"to examine him,
"you would have seen
"he's, in fact, dead."
(audience laughing)
I just didn't want to get my head
drained, whatever that meant.
What does that even mean?
A spider is a pet?
A spider is a pet like a black widow
is a pet?
Do you know why she's called
the black widow?
Because after the male performs
his husband-like duties, the female
eats him, eats him, except sometimes
the male is hip.
And he offers the female a food
object.
And while she's distracted,
he performs his husband-like duties.
And that's how Valentine's Day
started.
(audience laughing)
No, no, no.
(audience laughing)
I made that up.
That isn't really true.
It didn't start like that.
(audience laughing)